Chapter 30

30

I spent the weekend with Avery and Alex before they left for the start of the university semester. It was the last free weekend I had with them, and not going to lie, it made me sad.

Although it felt like I was finding my footing in life a little bit, I still felt that niggling fear of being left behind. I was scared that once they left, they'd find people better than me, and I'd lose contact with them as time went by. They've been in my life for the better half of it and I don't know what I would do without them.

Maybe this was all stirring back up after the week I just spent with my mother and realising how caught up in real world you can get. From work to coming home to crashing into bed after a long day, I didn't really want to do anything at the end of the day and I imagine University would be much the same. This recurring fear is almost becoming tiresome and I hate feeling so clingy.

I almost laughed at myself because I hadn't really talked to them since my birthday. I had been so caught up in Reece that I hadn't thought to reach out to them. I've been so caught up in him and running around in the shadows with him. But those shadows had been like a wistful escape from my inner nagging thoughts, and it had been nice to let go and be present with him.

"Dakota, what do you think?" Alex's question snapped me back into the present and I looked at him as he held up a plain grey T-shirt with khaki pants.

"Sure," I answered, pasting on a smile and nodding.

He dropped his arms as he shot me a deadpan look. "You weren't even paying attention, were you."

He didn't phrase it as a question, he already knew I wasn't.

He narrowed his gaze. "What's going on with you?"

I shrugged, turning my attention to the rack of clothes in front of me. They were men's shirts that Alex had just plucked the grey shirt from, but I needed to distract myself from his, and now Avery's, inquisitive gazes.

"I'm fine. I'm just… my head is a bit all over the place at the moment, to be honest. Sorry," I said in a way to hopefully brush off my moment of zoning out.

I didn't want to burden them with my thoughts but I should have known they would take that little admission and turn this outing into a therapy session of sorts. They would drag it out of me with their persuasive methods like they always do.

"You know you can talk to us, right? We're always here for you. The good, the bad, the ugly, remember?" Avery said, squeezing my arm as she looked at me with soft eyes and a small comforting smile playing on her lips.

"Exactly. Unload on us, stop carrying all those thoughts in your head, or you'll tip over with that big head of yours," Alex added, nudging my arm as I turned and lightly punched his arm playfully.

Avery took that time to mumble under her breath, "It's a wonder you haven't already."

I scoffed a laugh. "Oh, okay, this is just making me not tell you guys anything."

They both grinned at me.

"You know we're joking. But on a serious note, stop bottling up so much and tell us what's wrong," Avery commanded while casually flicking through the rack of shirts I had been busying myself with before. She pulled out a white graphic shirt and showed Alex, who hummed over it before taking it and adding it to his pile to try on.

"I'm sorry I haven't been a very good friend lately. I haven't really spoken to you guys in almost a month. I only saw you vaguely at Reece's party, but then I ditched you guys there as well."

Avery waved my apology off. "It's fine, ‘Kods. I don't care if we don't speak every day. So long as I know you are both okay, I'm happy."

I chewed on the inside of my bottom lip before the admission reluctantly fell from my lips. "I have this… fear that you guys will slowly forget me in time. That we'll lose contact and move on once you guys start your lives. And I don't want that to happen."

Avery grabbed my shoulders and pulled me to face her. "We have been a part of each other's lives for almost 13 years, like hell that would happen. Life would be incredibly weird and dull not having you both in it. I know I'm going to be moving away, but I will make sure to check up on you guys at least once a week, I promise. I would never leave you."

"Hear, hear. I don't think anyone else would be able to handle all my quirks like you guys. I don't know what I would do if I wasn't annoying you daily either."

I chuckled, trying to subtly blink back the tears in my eyes. "You know, I love you guys."

Avery smiled and they both wrapped their arms around me.

"Yeah, we love you too," they murmured.

Avery pulled back and looked up at me, searching my eyes as if knowing there was more. "That wasn't all, was it? What else has been happening?"

As I was about to answer, someone called my name, and I turned to see Liam and Reece standing behind us. It was such a surprise to see them together, like a collision of my worlds, making me have flashbacks to the beginning of last year. It was like a reality slap to the face.

Liam smiled, but I avoided eye contact with Reece, afraid of what I would see. After his birthday, he didn't try to contact me. I didn't try to reach out either because the boy I saw that night was nothing I thought I knew. I got that he was in a vulnerable place, but it was like he was bound to self-destruct everything around him with the unfiltered words he blurted.

"Hey, how are you? Nice to see you again, Avery and Alex," Liam greeted.

Their returned greetings were muffled in my mind as I chanced a glance at Reece, meeting his pleading eyes for a split second and almost fell for the pull of his orbit, tugging me to him like an invisible rope tying me to him. But I tore my eyes away from him, cutting the tie as I focused back on Liam's expectant gaze.

I pressed my lips together in a smile and tried to think of the question he had asked.

"Yeah, I'm good. Just shopping for new clothes. How are you?"

"Yeah, the same. I'm actually going on a date tonight, so I need something new to wear," he answered, a shy tint shading his cheeks.

"That's amazing. I hope you have a good time."

His lips curved and then hesitated before he shook his head and met my eyes. "Hey, can I ask you something? In private?"

"Of course. Anything." It's the least I could do.

He pulled me a few steps away, out of hearing range from our friends. Just for him to whisper his question.

"I just wanted to ask, and I know we talked a little about it on the phone the other week, but what was it that made you break up with me? If you could pinpoint one thing that is, was there something I did that turned you off? You can be brutally honest with me. I just don't want to make that mistake again because I really like this girl."

That question made me pause with a swallow.

It was easier to tell him with a screen between us but now, face to face, with every fibre of my being aware of Reece standing mere feet from me, the heat of his gaze burning straight through my temple, I didn't know how to answer that question. It was awkward, and I felt like I couldn't escape the question without giving him a real answer. Or as close as I could.

I glanced at Reece, his curious gaze tracing over the features of my face as I did, and the only thought that shouted in my mind was him .

He was the reason, but I could never admit that.

So I looked at Liam again and sighed. "I was suffocating, Liam. And that's not on you. It's just the more you held on, the more I felt myself pulling away. It felt like you were rushing things between us, and it made me want to jump out of my skin." I chewed on my lip as I watched his reaction, the slow fall of his mouth into a frown. I backtracked. "But, some people might like that. I just… it scares me. And I was scared of being alone. I didn't want to hurt you, but I didn't know how to tell you that I wasn't the one for you. We never really fit together."

He nodded, jaw clenching as he absorbed my words. "Right. I get it."

My lips lifted a little in an awkward sort of smile, trying to offer him some comfort by it. "I hope you have fun on your date. I better get back to my friends."

"Yeah, of course. Thank you," he muttered, before I left him.

I breezed past Reece, I felt his pinky skim alongside mine that was gone the next moment. I peeked over my shoulder just to see him do the same, our eyes connecting for a second before both he and Liam disappeared behind the corner. Even just the smallest of touches from him could spread warmth through my body, and in the awkwardness of that conversation, I needed it.

Avery and Alex shot wide-eyed looks at me as we continued on with our shopping, letting me know that they felt how awkward that whole encounter was for, not only me, but to them even a few feet away. I filled them in on the Facetime call I had with Liam two weeks ago. They grilled me on whether anything was going on with Reece and me, but somehow, I changed the subject away from it, refusing to voice anything. I told them I wanted to go try on my clothes and would text them if I needed help while they continued to browse for themselves.

It was so stupid to be scared of a simple conversation, but at this point, it was like if I spoke it, it would disappear like it was all my imagination. That's what my mind had made up anyway. It was like my subconscious could hear the faraway echoes of a ticking time bomb gradually coming closer. It put me on edge.

I texted Avery a short while into trying on clothes though, fighting for my life to reach the small zip at the back of the A-line blue summer dress I was trying on with small flowers on it. I heard a knock on the fitting room door I was in and I didn't think, I started talking before I even opened the door.

"Oh, thank god, Ave, I need your help with the zip. And then tell me what you think. I really like it, but I don't know if it suits me."

But, when I opened the door, Reece stood there instead of Avery and he was stepping into the dressing room before I could think and shutting the door behind him. I stumbled back a step, holding the back of my dress as I stared at him wide-eyed.

His gaze slid down my frame in a slow sweep, once again warming me without even touching me this time, and it was almost addicting.

He hummed. "It's definitely you. You look beautiful."

"What do you think you're doing in here?" I whisper-shouted, snapping out of my momentary stupor.

"Looking for you, obviously."

I gave him a deadpan look.

He pressed his lips together and sighed. "I needed to talk to you. I left Liam somewhere in the shop, so I'll try to be quick before he comes looking."

I watched him silently, waiting as he chewed on the inside of his bottom lip and trailed his eyes toward the stack of clothes hanging on the wall to my left.

"I want to apologise for how I acted on my birthday. I wanted this year to be different. I thought spending it with you would make it better and I wouldn't feel so alone as I usually am. I wanted to get my mind off everything, and being with you makes me forget everything. But sometimes, my head is too fucked up to escape, especially on my birthday." He let out a broken chuckle and I wanted to wrap my arms around him, but I stood strong, listening to the rest of what he had to say.

"I needed to be alone for a while, that's why I left you so suddenly after our tattoos. I planned to spend the whole day with you, but it was just one thing after the other knocking me down like dominoes with the aim of taking me down. I felt like I was drowning so I thought what's best to block it all out? And I drowned it all with alcohol. Which, I realise, probably wasn't the best decision. I'm not trying to make excuses, but I wanted you to know what I was going through and that I'm so sorry I had brought you down in the spiral I was heading in."

He looked so drained, with his eyes sunken as he recollected his birthday with so much heartache. His hand rubbed the centre of his chest, shoulders hunched as he met my gaze with a pleading look. I took it as half to accept his apology and half reaching for help. I would've given it to him without so much as a thought because he deserved someone on his side.

I lifted my hands to cradle his face, fingers delicately tracing his temple and his eyes fluttered as he sunk into my touch.

"Reece," I whispered, and his eyes pinched at the sound.

He reached up and wrapped his fingers around my wrists. "Please don't pity me. I don't deserve your sympathy."

I expected him to pull my hands away, but he just kept our hands there as if to make sure I didn't disappear. So, I skate my thumbs over his cheekbones.

"You deserve someone to lean on, though. I want to be that for you."

His eyes fluttered open, meeting mine with a flood of unshed tears glistening in them. The shade of deep green I was used to was now a kaleidoscope of deep greens and yellows with the emotions reflecting in the eyes I was falling for.

He leaned forward, tucking his head into the crook of my neck as he released a shuddering breath. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he pulled me impossibly close to him, squeezing me tight with his arms wrapped around my waist.

"You are everything," he murmured into my skin like a prayer. My mind added the unspoken words to me into my delusional world that the word us existed in. I held him a little tighter in return as I begged for them to come true.

I wanted to get his mind off the day that haunted him, wanting to help him fight the demons in his head as he clung to me.

"You know, my mother actually apologised to me last week," I started and he took a deep breath but kept his head tucked next to mine. The touch of his lips along my neck almost short- circuited my brain, but I continued as I stared at the ceiling, the fact we were still in the dressing room a far away thought.

"She mentioned how she grew up and how she never wanted me to experience having nothing. She apologised for pushing me so much and that she would work on that. I actually think we're on the road to patching things up between us."

It was a moment before he lifted his head off my shoulder and rested his forehead against mine. The only tell that he was on the verge of tears was the puffiness in his eyes as they flicked between mine. A soft smile made its way to his lips and he tucked my hair behind my ears.

"I'm so happy for you, Kody," he said, earnestly.

I held onto his arms and squeezed the muscles there, smiling back at him.

"You okay?" I asked, hoping my plan worked to calm his mind.

He knocked his nose against mine, his eyes slowly sparking back to life.

"With you, I know I always am."