Chapter 16

16

I think I was losing my mind.

All that had been on my mind for the preceding week was the moment in the bathroom with Reece. The amount of times I had imagined kissing Reece could not even compare to actually kissing him. His kiss consumed me. His touch branded my skin like hot liquor.

It was quickly tainted by the fact it could never be anything more. I couldn't tell anyone what was on my mind when I stared off into space as that memory took over. Avery and Alex had caught me multiple times and asked me what was on my mind, but when I'd go to say something, I couldn't get it past my lips.

Reece had been right to want to keep it a secret, given the history surrounding us. I just wanted to be able to talk to someone about it, though. To sort through the mess of my thoughts and feelings. It would have been so lovely to talk to my friends about it, but something stopped me from doing so. I was confused with so many emotions that I didn't even know how to sort through them, let alone talk about them. It was so hard to explain everything between Reece and me. Right from the start, we were a complicated mess before we could even realise it.

What happened in that short space of time was such a whiplash of emotions. From the highest high to the lowest low. From frustration to passion and lust to anger and hurt.

He was a confusing puzzle, one I wish I had the ability to solve. But I didn't have the energy to even touch that puzzle after this. His words still cut through me like a knife. The way he sweet-talked me before immediately flipping it around to a one-time thing. He was a weakness that I always caved to as soon as he said the right words.

One significant question bounced around my mind that week. He said afterward that, given the circumstances, it shouldn't happen again, but did he regret it?

Because I didn't. I didn't regret the feeling of his mouth against me and the way he held me. The way he touched me. The way he shattered me.

"Hey, earth to Dakota," Alex snapped his fingers in front of my face, breaking my daydream.

They didn't know, and I felt guilty every time I looked at them. We told each other everything, but I felt my tongue tie every time I tried to.

"What's going on with you? You've been acting strange all week," Avery asked.

"Yeah, no. I'm fine." I smiled, lying through my teeth as if they wouldn't be able to tell.

"No, you're not. That's twice you've zoned out during this movie, and it's your favourite."

The movie in question was 10 Things I Hate About You and she was right. I have watched that movie at least a thousand times and never once had I not had my eyes glued to the TV like it was the first time I was watching it.

I pressed my lips together and shrugged. "I don't know. Just have a lot on my mind."

Alex paused the movie and then turned towards me. "Okay, then lay it out and get it off your chest. Stop keeping it all in."

It was all at the tip of my tongue as their eyes pierced into the side of my head, waiting. It was hard keeping a secret from them with their prying gazes and never-wavering presence in my life. But how would I say it? Hey, I hooked up with my ex's best friend in the bathroom on my birthday while my brother, who also happens to be friends with him, was ten feet away in the other room. Just thinking that had me realising how fucked up the situation was even more.

There was only one person I could talk to about it, I just needed to work up the courage to approach him. Like the days before, the words I needed and wanted to say caught in my throat. Though somehow, a lie was easier to push through my lips

"It's just my mother and the pressure she puts on me."

Alex sat up straighter. "Did she call again? She always has the worst timing just when you're having fun."

"Yeah, I know. But no, not this time. I've just been thinking that with the new year coming around, everyone's off to university or starting their careers and moving forward, while I just feel stuck. It's like I can feel my mother breathing down my neck, trying to nudge me towards following her perfectly paved path, and I don't want it. Her expectations keep following me around like this dark cloud, even when she's not physically with me."

Alex groaned. "God, I hate her so much. How is she allowed to be a Mum? She needs to give you a break, honestly."

Avery side-eyed him before continuing. "I think what he's trying to say is that sometimes it takes a while to figure these things out. A career is a lifelong thing, and you at least want to enjoy whatever it is you choose to pursue, because if you don't, you'll find that your life didn't have any meaning when you look back at it. So don't rush it or make someone push you into something you don't want to do. It's your life, not anyone else's. Especially not hers. You don't want to be old and spiteful and regretting life."

My eyes watered a little. "It's easier said than done."

Alex sassed back. "Yeah, well, you're mum's an asshole."

I laughed before wrapping him and Avery into a hug. "I love you guys."

"We love you too. We will never leave you behind, I hope you know that. Like we would ever go far away without you," Alex said as he squeezed me tighter before letting us go. "Now, let's continue watching the movie. No more thinking from you." He pointed the TV remote at me before pressing play on the remote.

A bittersweet smile spread across my face before I focused back on the movie. I loved their support and the way they reassured me to follow my own path without anyone else's input. If Avery and Alex weren't with me, I would have spiralled down my thoughts. I was eternally grateful for their presence then.

But still, the guilt gnawed at me.

The next day, Nate came in early and asked if I wanted to go watch the baseball game. I knew this would be my chance to talk to Reece and maybe clear the air between us. To reinforce the boundary between us.

"You might need a ride back though if you do want to go. Some of us are headed to the bar afterward, but I don't want you to be left stranded," Nate mentioned as he leaned against the doorway of my room, watching me grab my things and put my shoes on.

"Yeah, I'll just call Alex or Avery if they're not busy."

"And if they are?"

I shrugged and said absentmindedly, "Well, then, I'll just Uber home."

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Dakota."

My face softened when I realised before trying to reassure him. "It's fine, Nate. I'll be safe. I've done it before."

He reeled back in shock. "What do you mean, you've done it before? You know how dangerous it is around here. You can never trust those strangers."

Nate wasn't the most trusting of Uber drivers, for good reason. He hasn't had the best experiences with them with his friends. He's never told me what happened, but he always got this haunted look in his eyes when it was mentioned. Like he was at the moment. He never allowed anyone close to him to take either Ubers or taxis alone. It was either as a group or one of his friends was voted to be sober for the night.

I could see the panic start to set in his eyes, and I rushed to him and grabbed his arms. "Okay. It's okay. I won't take an Uber. I'm sure Avery or Alex is free to pick me up."

He nodded his head as he calmed himself down, taking in a couple of deep breaths. "Sure. If not, let me know, and I can get someone to drop you off at home, or I'll even do it before I take the guys to the bar."

I nodded back. "Yeah, okay. That works."

I felt bad for making him panic, but I didn't want him to drive me back home when he wanted to go out with his friends. When I brought it up, though, I had forgotten all about his dislike of taxis and Ubers. I'd just gotten used to taking one to Mum's for the weekend this past year because I refuse to drive in the city.

As we made our way out of the house towards his car, I nudged his arm with my elbow. "Hey, I'm sorry for worrying you. I forgot about… the whole thing. I don't want you to go out of your way just to drop me off and then go out again."

We both climbed into the car before he started it and drove toward the field. "It's fine. Just don't go in them alone anymore, okay? Promise me that?"

I smiled. "Promise." I turned to look at him. "Are you ever going to tell me what happened?"

He shifted a little while I could see his whole body stiffened at the topic of question, but his eyes never wavered from the road. "Um.." he started and cleared his own throat. "Maybe one day. But it's still not easy for me to think about, let alone talk about so can we drop it?"

I did, but my eyes lingered on him for a bit.

It was like I was seeing him in a different light. I was used to seeing him with this tough exterior and happy-go-lucky persona. It was like nothing could crack him. But this was the one thing that did, that facade melted, and there he was, vulnerable and raw emotion. He had never let me see this side of him. He was my big brother, and I had always admired how he let things slide right off him. I had wished I could be like him, but this made me realise that not everything did, and sometimes it pierced his armour.

I admired him even more for letting me see this side of him. It ached that underneath it all, there was a darkness that lingered in his heart. A darkness he hid from the rest of the world.

Arriving at the baseball field, he greeted his friends with his usual smile as they waited for their game following the Divison Three game Reece played in.

I took my seat in the stands as I searched the field where the players were warming up until I spotted Reece. They were all lined up along the fence line doing their own stretches and warm-ups. Reece had his leg kicked up on it as he leaned forward to touch his toes. He was chatting with Jake and Sage standing beside him before a burst of laughter broke through him at whatever Jake said. I could hear his laugh from the stand, and the sound tugged up my lips.

I realised then why he was so close to my brother. They were both so good at keeping people at arm's length. They put up a front with smiles on their faces, where on the inside, there was all this hurt that they held and bottled up inside.

With Reece, I wanted to take an ice pick and chip away at his facade until he showed me the real him. I felt like I had started to do that, but now, with the kiss, it complicated things.

I didn't know what to do. I felt like I was spinning in circles with no direction.

When the game started, Nate joined behind me with his friends. We all cheered on Reece as he threw some good pitches, but his game seemed off, and as time went on, it seemed to get worse. It was the top of the fifth inning when he was pulled from the mound after walking three batters in a row. My heart sank for him as I watched him disappear into the dugout with his head down, and moments later, there was a loud thud against the back tin wall. I couldn't see what happened, but there was no doubt that it was Reece.

He sat out for the rest of that inning, and when they came back on the field for the top of the sixth, he was switched out to first base. Even from a distance, I could see he wasn't happy with the switch. The crease in his brow was evident, and the set in his shoulders was tense even with the fluid way he threw the ball back and forth between shortstop and second base while the new pitcher warmed up.

He was caught up in his head about something. I never saw him like this before, and I hoped whatever it was wasn't about what happened between us.

The game ended with a tight 14-13 win for us, and once the boys had started filtering out of the field, I decided that it was my chance to pull Reece aside.

Nate sat beside me, having switched seats once his friends had left for warm-ups halfway through the game. I made an excuse to leave, and he made room for me to climb past him.

It was like he had a sixth sense without even realising it when he spoke up. "Oh, if you see Reece, you should ask him for a ride if you don't want to stay for another game. I'm sure he wouldn't mind."

I pressed my lips into a thin line and nodded back. "Sure."

I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to be trapped in the car with him for ten minutes without being able to escape if I needed to. There were so many ways this talk could go, and I didn't want to suffer through the terrible, awkward silence that would ensue if it turned bad.

As I made my way down the stairs, though, I spotted him already making his way to his car, and my heart leaped into my throat as I quickened my pace to catch up to him.

"Reece," I called out once I was close enough, and he whipped his head over his shoulder to meet my eyes. He smiled but it was strained and I could see in his eyes there was guilt swirling with a need to escape. But he stopped and waited for me, his eyes never leaving mine as I stepped next to him, resuming the walk to his car.

I smiled wide, hiding the fact my nerves were bundled in my throat as I remembered how it felt to have him against me. "Hey."

"Hey, Kody."

It drew a long sigh out of my lips with the sound of that nickname, like those two words were all I needed to ease my worries.

"I have a favour to ask of you," I began as he unlocked his car a few feet from us. Against my better judgement, the question I hadn't wanted to ask slipped past my lips. But I knew he didn't want to be here longer than he needed to be, and I would suck up an awkward car ride if it meant he could escape. "Do you mind driving me home? Nate's going out after this and I didn't want to trouble him."

He dropped his bag in the boot of his car before turning to me, that look he had easing within a few minutes. "I don't mind at all. You don't mind if we make a stop in between, though?"

I squeezed his arm before he rounded to the driver's side, and I made my way to the passenger side. "Of course not. Where to?" I asked over the top of his car.

He opened the door, his eyes unguarded as he met mine. "You'll see."

I already knew. With that one look, I knew the place he needed to be.