Chapter 5

It only takes a few minutes to explain who I am and what I want to do to have the full support of the head of the activities. She even expresses an interest in coming along to the yoga sessions. With an appointment to visit her tomorrow, I feel a little better.

I grab my laptop, excited to make an exercise programme that will suit and interest all fitness levels. Would people be looking for a personal trainer on a one-to-one basis? There’s no harm in adding that to my proposal. A running group would be fun too. Not everyone’s cup of tea, but around the town are some great running paths. I’ll ask Drew his thoughts.

What about weight training? I have a full set of weights at home I can bring, but not enough for a class. That would have to be another personal training option for now.

As I add more ideas to the growing list, I get more excited. This is exactly what I’m looking for. Is it really this easy? Is this what I’ve been missing? Could I have done this back home, or is it being here why I’m looking for a new future? Whatever the reason, I’m happy, even if Merrick has acted like a dick today. I’ve known him long enough to know how stubborn he can be, but he’ll apologise soon. Probably not today, but he’ll be over tomorrow.

My stomach rumbles loudly, breaking my concentration. I look up from the screen. Shit, I’m sitting in the dark. The night has closed in around me without me noticing. It’s already past five. I shut down the laptop, turn on some lights, and close the curtains. The view seems so different from when I came here in the summer, when the long, light evenings showed off the bay from this elevated position. Now in the winter, the view has gone, and the black night surrounds the little cottage like a shroud. I find it comforting. The London sky never gets this dark, thanks to all the streetlights and lit-up buildings.

My stomach growls again. I need food. I wander into the kitchen and open the fridge for ingredients for a quick dinner. I settle on chicken pasta, and in fifteen minutes, it’s ready. As soon as my arse hits the chair, a knock on the door makes me jump up again.

Bloody hell, this will be either Merrick or Drew. I’m not in the mood for either of them. I want to eat and then watch something crappy on Netflix until I can go to bed. But I’m a nice guy and don’t ignore the incessant knocking like I want to.

It’s Merrick, and he’s not smiling.

“I’m about to eat.” I turn away, leaving the door open for him to follow me.

“You’re not going to make this easy for me.” It’s not a question.

“It’s not a matter of making it easy, Merrick. You know what you said was wrong. If you’ve come to apologise, then great. If you still want to make an issue of my reasons for being here, then tough shit. I don’t owe you an explanation.” Okaaay, I’m more pissed off with him than I thought.

He stares at me for a long moment, then nods. “You’re right. I have come to apologise. I hadn’t considered the similarity of our situations. I want you to stay. I want you to make your home here, to start your life over again.” He smiles softly, genuinely. “I wish I knew what had happened, but only so I could help.”

“I had sex with a man.” The words are out before I can stop them.

Merrick blinks a few times. He probably never expected to hear those words from me. He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing heavily in his throat. “Um, okay. Can we talk about it?”

“I suppose so. It’s out now. I doubt you’re going to forget it.” Maybe now is the time to tell him, to let him help untangle the turmoil in my head.

“How, why? I mean, when? Who with?” His confusion is comical, yet neither of us is laughing.

I push my plate of rapidly cooling dinner to the side. My appetite has vanished. The lump in my throat would make it impossible to swallow anything anyway. “How? I was at a leaving party for one of the trainers in a club. A gay club. This guy came up and asked me to dance. It went from there.” My cheeks are burning, not with embarrassment but with the memory of how hot kissing him was.

“It went from there? Christ, Brodie. In all the years I’ve known you and the number of gay bars we dragged you to, you’ve never accepted any of the advances from the gorgeous men. You were hit on a lot. What was so different about this one you fucked him?”

Goddammit. Why does he have to say it like that? His crude words make the night seedy, a blow-job-in-the-bathroom kind of experience. Not the life-changing, mind-blowing night it was. “I didn’t fuck him. He fucked me. Over and over and it was incredible. And I would do it again in a heartbeat.”

“What was his name? Did you see him again after that night?” Merrick pulls out the other chair at the little table and sits. He rests his elbows on the table and steeples his fingers. He’s going to have a lot to say about this. “Are you into men now too?”

“Calm down, Merrick. It was a hot hook-up. I didn’t stay the night, and I don’t know his name. It was a great experience. I’m not against dating men, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. I haven’t seen another who attracts me as much as he did. It did wake me up, though. I took a long look at my life and knew it was going nowhere. I worked too many hours, I stopped socialising and meeting up with friends, and I missed you. I was stuck in a rut and didn’t like it.”

“So you quit your job and came here,” Merrick says with a sad smile. “I am sorry for what I said, and thank you for telling me. I’m not going to say a word.”

“Thanks, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t mind. I had a great time, and it sparked something in me. I’m not ashamed of what I did or who I am. You’ve always been so out and proud, something I’ve admired in you. While I don’t need to shout anything out loud, I won’t hide either. Not that anyone has shown any interest in me. As open as this town is, it still isn’t overflowing with gay or bi men.”

Merrick snorts. “You’d be surprised, but I get it.” He assesses me through slightly narrowed eyes. I want to squirm under his scrutiny but stay still. “I’m not actually surprised, not deep down. You’ve always been open-minded. You can appreciate a good-looking man as much as a woman. If a label is necessary, which I don’t think it is, I’d put you as pansexual. Your attraction is to the person, not the gender. It suits you.”

“I’m not going to go there, Merrick. It was one night. The only thing I regret is leaving. I would’ve liked to know his name, to maybe get to see him again. He’s always on my mind.”

And isn’t that the truth?