Chapter 34

When I walk into the room, Ivan is swaying slowly from side to side. He doesn’t hear me saying his name. I rest my hand on his back and stroke Milo’s soft blond hair. “What’s going on in your head? You were miles away.” He wipes away the tears on his cheeks. “Hey, come on. We’re going to do great. He’s going to be the happiest kid in the world.”

“I know, but I don’t understand why she did it in such a callous way. To put her newborn baby into the system was one hell of a risk. It’s like she didn’t care about him, considered him a commodity to keep or dispose of. I hate her for that, for doing it to Milo.”

Milo wakes up and is not a happy boy. Ivan looks as panicked as I am. We know what to do in theory, but now we have to do it for real. “You change him. I’ll get his bottle.”

I take one of the four bottles we prepared this morning out of the fridge and put it in the microwave. It doesn’t take long to warm it, and when I return to the living room, Milo is loudly exercising his lungs. Ivan is struggling to get the tabs on the nappy done up.

“Shit. Shush, Milo. I’m sorry, sweetheart. Daddy’s on it. It’s coming, I promise,” Ivan soothes the red-faced baby. He gets the nappy fastened and picks him up. I hand over the bottle, and as soon as it touches his lips, Milo stops crying and eagerly drinks. “Oh, thank god. How are we going to do this?”

“Practice, love. I’m sure we’re going to get plenty of it.” I gather the soiled nappy and throw it into the special bin Merrick told us to get. “You’re doing great.”

At six o’clock in the morning, I wake up. Ivan is lying next to me with Milo on his chest. The two of them are finally fast asleep. The night has been one long crying fest. Milo was confused and made sure we knew about it. I completely understood, but I felt so helpless. He’s in a place he doesn’t recognise, with people he doesn’t know.

I can do something now, though. I slide out of our bed, go into the nursery, and collect the empty and half-empty bottles, the nappies, wipes, and everything else we went through last night. As I step out, I cast a glance back into our bedroom. Ivan is watching me, one hand on Milo’s back and holding out the other for me.

“Hey, you should be sleeping,” I say, my voice soft and low.

He flashes a beautiful smile at me. “So should you. You didn’t get any either. Put that down and come back to bed.”

As much as I want to, the schedule says Milo has his first feed at seven. I want to make some coffee for us and have a bottle ready for Milo. “Let me get some things sorted, and I’ll be back up here. We can have coffee in bed.”

He smiles and ducks his head to kiss Milo’s head. It’s such a natural movement, like he’s been doing it all of Milo’s life. My heart beats a little faster. He’s so beautiful. Milo and he together would make a photograph that would have women all over the world swooning. And probably some men too. I give his hand a kiss and go downstairs.

I throw away the dirty nappies, dump the bottles in the sink, and turn on the tap to wash them before they go into the steriliser. My need for extra strong black coffee is too intense to ignore, so I leave them soaking in the soapy water and seek out the coffee beans. As they grind, I dart across the room to close the door. Waking the baby isn’t an option. I make Ivan the same highly caffeinated brew as my own and heat the baby bottle for Milo.

He really should sleep through a little longer. He wore himself out, the poor bean. I throw a few chocolate Hobnobs onto a plate and load it all on a tray. When I return to the bedroom, they’ve both gone back to sleep. I put Ivan’s coffee on his night table, expecting the rich aroma to wake him up, but it doesn’t.

Milo stirs and stretches his tiny limbs. He’s so damn cute. He blinks, but before he can scrunch up his face and cry, I whisk him off Ivan’s chest, grab the bottle, and rush to the nursery. Should I change him? But he’s had so many changes I doubt if his nappy is even that wet. He can feed first.

By the time his bottle is empty, he’s fallen asleep again. I manage to get a decent burp out of him and change his nappy without waking him. I should’ve brought my coffee with me, but rather than go back, I leave Ivan to sleep and enjoy having Milo to myself. The glider chair Merrick had insisted we needed is perfect for me to sit and hold his tiny body to mine. My eyes close as I gently move the chair back and forth, enjoying the quiet moment.

What would I have done less than a year ago if I knew this was what my life would be like? Would I even have come if I knew that Ivan lived here? Honestly, I don’t think I would have. That would have been a tragic mistake. The way my life has changed because of that one night is unbelievable. Too many amazing changes have happened. I’m not bored at work or lonely in the evenings anymore. Now I have great friends, a wonderful home, and a new business to build, but most of all, I have Ivan, my one love, and this perfect little man, Milo. And all that is because of Ivan and his faith in me. Falling in love with Ivan was easy. He has his faults, but so do I, yet we work. Which is why I’m happy now to sit here at seven o’clock after no sleep, with a baby on my chest.

Not every night will be like last night. Milo will soon forget Rachel and Simon. He will only know us, and as long as we shower him with love and affection, he’ll prosper and grow. I’m excited to show him the world. I imagine him running around on the beach and Ivan teaching him how to surf. Two blond heads that will get lighter the longer they stay in the sun. His smile, his blue eyes shining as he runs to me. I can see us getting married, with Milo becoming mine as much as he is Ivan’s. A perfect life.

What could go wrong?

I don’t want to think about that. The only way that dream would end is if something happened to Ivan and me. A break-up. Could something drive us apart? What would it take for it to end? Infidelity? Not from me. Broken trust? I can’t see myself doing that, and I’m sure neither would Ivan. He’s admitted he’d got sick of hook-ups and friends with benefits. And hey, look where that one got him. What if he stops wanting me because he has Milo to love and look after? He may decide that having two dads will embarrass the baby in the future, that because he’s bi, a female partner would make everything so much easier.

I’ll still have to live here, even if anything happens. I’ve put all I have into this place, and with the gym starting to be built, I won’t be going anywhere else. Would a break-up make Ivan not want to see me around and leave the Cove?

I stop rocking. The thought of not being with Ivan makes me go cold, and pain stabs my gut. I flinch, and my stomach muscles tense. Milo wriggles. It’s easy to soothe him back to a settled sleep, but not as easy to soothe the hurt I feel at losing all this.

“What has you frowning so hard?”

I drink in the sight of Ivan in the doorway, his pyjama bottoms hanging low on his hips. The squares of muscles making up his six-pack are drool-worthy as the line of dark blond hair disappears under his waistband.

He hands me the coffee I left behind. “Thank you.” I take a sip but, having nowhere to put it, give it back to him.

“So, what was it?”

Now he’s in front of me, my head is all over the place. Can I tell him? Share my worries at the same time as my dreams?