Chapter 29

I open the email with a shaky finger and send a little wish to the gods. I read through the long-winded jargon to get to the important part. The approval or denial or if some changes needed to be made. At the bottom is the word Approved.

Yes! I pump my fist. We got the plans for the gymnasium. I read a little more. They only require one amendment, and that’s a separate entrance to the gym. One that goes away from the farmhouse and leads around the edge of the property line. I’m more than happy with that.

The past two weeks have been hell. Ivan isn’t sleeping, is jittery, and has no concentration. I can hardly blame him. My head is full of having to change our relationship to include a child. I always thought I would have a couple of kids, but I expected to be with a woman I’d married. I’d still be with Well Fit and be bored with my job. Now I’m in an exciting, passionate, wonderful relationship with a man. I have my own piece of land, a beautiful home, and a new business enterprise to start. We have room for a child in our lives, and all we need now is confirmation from the solicitor.

I push my chair back from my desk and go and find Ivan. “Babe, where are you?”

“Kitchen, with Drew,” Ivan calls back.

“We got it. The planning was approved. Can you believe it?”

“That’s awesome. Congratulations. You newbies are doing a great job of keeping me in business.” Drew laughs.

Ivan’s phone rings, and the laughter stops. Ivan checks the screen. “It’s him.”

Drew puts his coffee cup in the sink. “I’ll go outside. This is private.”

“No, stay.” Ivan swipes the screen to answer the call. I slide my arm around his waist. He stiffens, his body tense as he listens. “Okay, I can do that. Yes, we’ll be there. No, no questions yet. Thank you.”

He puts the phone down on the table. “He wants us to go to his office. He has the results but won’t tell me over the phone. He’s in Exeter and can see us this afternoon at three thirty.”

I look at my watch. It’s only eleven. We’ve got too much time to waste before we have to leave. “Why don’t we go out and have a nice lazy lunch?”

“I don’t think I could eat anything. I’ll hit the waves for a couple of hours.”

That’s actually not a bad idea. If it takes his mind off the meeting, he should go for it. “Okay, do you want me to come down with you?”

“No, it’s okay. You’ll be bored. Go start planning the build. I’m sure you’ve got a spreadsheet ready for it already.” He chuckles, but it’s stilted. He’s trying his best to be normal.

But I know him better than that. He’s struggling to deal with all this. He won’t talk about what we’ll do if he is Milo’s father. I’m the opposite, and I’ve been researching what we need for a tiny baby. Munro has been a massive help. He and his husband, Beck, used a surrogate, so it’s not the same situation, but he’s been supportive and has sent me a list of essentials. Another of my worries is how Ivan’s going to feel if he isn’t the father. I don’t think he’ll be happy with leaving a baby in the system and without proof of who the father is. He may still want to honour Kate’s wishes and take Milo under his wing. If only he’d talk to me about it instead of bottling it up. We’ll have plenty to discuss this evening.

As he passes me, he runs his hand down my back and presses a kiss on my lips. “I’ll be home by half past two.”

“Okay, love you. Be safe.”

“He’s not dealing, is he?” Drew also watches him out of the kitchen window as Ivan makes sure his board is secure.

“No, he’s not sleeping well, and his concentration is all over the place. But at least we’ll have an answer in a few hours.” I sigh. I’m exhausted, tired of keeping up a happy appearance.

“You’re pretty incredible, you know that, right? You’re standing with him through this without, it seems, a second thought. It’s not even been a year since you moved here and your whole life has changed. And is possibly about to change again.”

I give him a sad smile. Although he’s right, he doesn’t know how much I love Ivan. I could never walk away from him. “Says the man who’s devoted to a little girl he met a year ago. You didn’t think twice about being with a man with a child. Why is that any different from what I’ll be doing? You love Merrick and everything that comes with him. This is a baby, and I suspect he will be Ivan’s, and because of that, I will love him unconditionally.”

Drew nods. “Have you got everything you need?”

“No, Ivan doesn’t want to do anything until he has the test results. Deep down, he knows the answer. He just needs to be told officially. I don’t know how it works. Like, do they hand him over? He must have someone like a social worker. I have no idea.”

“You’re going to find out soon enough. You know you’ve got us. You’re not alone.” He gives me a smile tinged with sadness.

I feel it too and fear. I’m afraid Ivan will say no, that he doesn’t want to take responsibility. How will that affect him in the long run? Will he always wonder? Will he regret it all later in life? More importantly, will we survive it?

Drew leaves after making me promise to keep them in the loop, and now I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s only fair to let Ivan do the thing that settles his head, but what about my peace of mind? I change and do what I always do—run.

When I walk into our bedroom, the shower is running. I peel out of the sweaty running gear and toss it directly into the hamper. The bathroom is full of steam and the scent of Ivan’s body wash, the enticing rich sandalwood I’m so used to on his skin.

“Room for one more?” I step in next to him and press a kiss on his shoulder.

Ivan is trembling, really bloody shaking. I wrap my arms around him and hold him close as he clings to me. “I-I don’t know how to deal with this.” He trips over his words, and his crying intensifies.

“Oh, baby, we’ll get through it. We have to.” I sway slightly until he calms down.

As he lifts his head, his eyes are filled with fear and panic. “This isn’t how I planned to have a child.” I kiss his forehead. “What if he isn’t mine? How do I leave a child in the foster system? Do I still get to keep him?”

“I don’t know, love. I’m sure there will be plenty of time to ask all the questions we have. Whatever the results, they’re not going to just hand him over.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Ivan releases his grip on me and gets out from under the water.

“I’ll be with you in a minute.”