Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven

Vault

SLIM HAS LIFTED my ban from leaving the clubhouse since I stopped drinking. So, I've been taking every run the club has and been gone as much as possible. Annabell is never far from my mind. It doesn't matter where I am, she consumes me. She's always consumed me, but it's worse now that everything isn't dull from the alcohol flowing through my veins in a never-ending cycle. For the first time since my dad's funeral I'm clear headed and thinking through every decision I make with him in mind.

I can't believe I fucked up the way I did. Even drunk as hell, I've never fucked a house bunny in the common room because I didn't want Annabell to see that. No matter what's going on with us, I never want to hurt her and I have. I've hurt her deeper than I ever thought I could all because I've been a selfish prick and there's no excuse for that shit. I've done more damage to that girl in a few months than a group of men did in hours one night. And that's the night she lost her entire family. There's no coming back from this for me because the pain I've caused is too vast.

Annabell can say what she wants, but I know how much pain she's in. She hasn't come back to the clubhouse since finding me asleep on the couch with a bitch draped over me. The only person other than Slim and Shy she sees is Hunter. He gives me dirty ass looks every time he sees me. I'd call him on his shit since he's only a Prospect, but I don't. He has every right to be pissed at me for my treatment of Annabell. She's a truly remarkable girl and he sees what I've always seen in her. That's why he's drawn to her as much as I am. The only difference is he didn't fuck everything up with her.

It's not surprising to me that Hunter likes my Bell. She pulls everyone toward her and doesn't let go. Everyone falls in love with her because she's so sweet and caring toward everyone in her life. I had all that until I fucked it all up. Now, if Annabell even sees me, she turns and heads in the opposite direction. So, I've been trying to stay away from the girl who owns me. I barely interact with the members of the club and when I do, it breaks my heart because I know Annabell won't be at the clubhouse and that hurts. She deserves to have free rein of the compound and lately she's only been at the house.

When the club goes to her games, I pretend to stay at the clubhouse, but I'm there each and every game, watching her do her thing and loving the way she moves. I hide under the bleachers so I can move depending on where she's standing. No one has caught me doing this yet, and I don't want anyone to know. Just before the game ends, I head back to the clubhouse and straight to my room. I'll always be there to support Annabell even if she can't see that I'm there. She deserves the support of those who love her and even if she wants nothing to do with me, I can't force myself to stay away from her.

Today, I'm leaving on another run. I want to go to Annabell and talk to her before heading out with the guys, but I force myself to stay at the clubhouse. One of the house bunnies is trying to get me to fuck her and I simply ignore her as I sit at a table alone nursing a bottle of water. I'm not in the mood for anyone's shit. I just want to get on the road and leave the clubhouse for a while. None of the house bunnies have gotten the hint that I'm not going to fuck them again. They continue to push up on me and I'm ready to snap, but I hold myself back and just walk away from them.

Valor has told me Annabell still won't come over here when I'm on a run and that's not what I want. I overheard Valor and Hunter talking the day after the cookout and Hunter told my brother Bell misses the guys here. So, I figured if I'm gone, she can come back over and be with everyone. Instead, she still stays away. I also know she's leaving early for college. I'm so damn proud of her and I want to tell her but I don't want to push her any more than I already have. The only reason I even know she's leaving early is because I overheard Slim talking about it with Killer. He's upset that she's not going to stay around for a few months and head to the summer semester, but he doesn't blame her for leaving either. He wants her to leave and start her life away from the club and everyone here.

"You ready to head out, Vault?" Killer asks, walking up to me with a bag over his shoulder.

"Yep. Bag's already in the van and I'm just waitin' on the rest of you," I answer, not having an ounce of attitude or anything else in my voice like I would have a few days ago.

"How long you been waitin' out here?" he asks, concern filling him as normal when it comes to me.

"A while. Just been waitin' to get on the road," I tell him, looking around as I stand from my seat and stretch out my tired, aching body.

Killer nods his head and makes his way outside. I follow him after tossing my bottled water in the recycling bin. Instead of telling my brother goodbye, I just head straight outside to my bike. Hunter is going on this run and I want to talk to him about Annabell, but I know it's not the time to talk to him. He needs his head in the game just like I do. I'll find time to talk to him eventually, but now we need to focus and that's what I'm trying to do. It's not easy, but I'll do what I have to in order to keep everyone around me safe and coming home without something happening.

Just before we pull out, Valor runs out of the clubhouse and straight toward me. We've barely talked since getting into a fight at dad's house.

"Just want to let you know I'm goin' through Dad's things. I have given you time to get your head out of your ass and you still haven't. Now, I'm done waitin'," Valor tells me, anger and pain filling his voice as he looks me over like he used to before I pushed him away.

"No, you're not. We'll do it together when I get back. I'm done with the bullshit. I'm still not ready to do it, but we have to. I'll be back in a few days and we can get to work," I tell my brother, pleading with him to give me these last few days before we rip ourselves open once again.

"Fine. But if you decide to change your mind while you're gone, just know I'm doin' it with or without you. It's time," he says, turning on his heel and going back inside.

I shake my head and start my bike while the rest of the guys heading out with me get on theirs. This is not what I needed right before leaving on a run, but I know why Valor did it. He doesn't want to keep going the way we've been going. I don't speak to him. The last time we were together we got into a fight, and now I'm finally pulling myself from the bottom of a bottle. Neither one of us know how to breach the space I've put between us. We've never been like this before and now that I'm finally not drunk as fuck and pushing everyone away, there's a distance I don't know if we'll ever be able to cross and start fixing our relationship. Valor and I have gone from best friends and brothers to nothing more than two people who pass one another occasionally. It fucking sucks!

Valor knows I'll be sober heading out on a run. While he doesn't know what's been going on at the clubhouse because I've been avoiding him if I'm being honest with myself. I don't want anyone to see me this way, but especially not my brother. He's been there since the day we were born and I've been treating him like shit. Just like everyone else in the club. Being sober has forced me to examine everything I've done lately and I fucking hate myself. I've been cruel and a complete asshole because I couldn't deal with my dad's death. I've got so many relationships to fix and no clue how to begin doing that.

It's time for me to make some decisions regarding my future. Both with the club and with my life. I've been thinking of joining the Nomad charter and I think it's about time to do that. Maybe once I get back from this run and get Dad's house taken care of. I'll always consider Benton Falls home, but it just isn't the same without my dad being here. Or maybe I'll just take some time off from the club and ride around for a while. Try to find myself. Go somewhere I don't have a million memories of my dad on a daily basis. No matter where I go, there's something I can think about regarding him. It hurts so fucking much and does nothing to help me deal with the pain of losing him.

We've been on the road for hours when Killer gives the sign to pull over. We're staying in a motel tonight and will finish the ride tomorrow at first light. Once we have our rooms, I head inside with the rest of the guys talking about going to a bar down the street. That's the last thing I need right now. I haven't been drinking and I don't want to start again now. All my worst decisions are made when I've been drinking and I'm trying to do better. I need to do better for everyone around me and it's time to pull my head out of my ass and keep it that way.

"You stayin' here?" Killer asks, standing in the door of my room since I didn't close it behind me.

"Yep. Gonna take a shower and head to bed," I answer, setting my bag on the bed and turning to face him. "Have fun."

Killer nods his head as I shut the door. Opening up my bag, I grab clean sweats and head for the bathroom. I take a cold shower because thoughts of Annabell have my cock hard as a rock. They always do. I won't touch myself to her image anymore—I don't deserve to do that, not while picturing her. It's been weeks since I've been with a house bunny or touched myself. I've got the worst case of blue balls known to man and it's nothing less than I deserve.

It's bad enough when I was with the house bunnies, I had to think of my Bell to get my cock hard and fuck them. It's not something I'm proud to admit and I know I'd have my ass handed to me if anyone knew. So, it's my secret and one I'll take to the grave with me. Now, I refuse to disrespect her that way. Annabell deserves nothing less than my full respect because I know if I went to her today and told her I needed her, she'd be there without hesitation. Our relationship will never be the same, but she wouldn't turn me away from her. That's just who she is. And I overheard my brother telling Slim that she promised him she'd never give up on me. While it gives me hope, I also know that it doesn't mean she'll let me in like she used to. Not anytime soon at least.

After taking the world's coldest shower, I get dressed in my sweats and lay on the bed in the room. I grab the remote and try to find something on the TV to watch, but nothing catches my attention. So, I shut it back off and pull out my phone. I pull up a picture of Annabell and just stare at her. It's a black and white photo I took one day when we were laying in the grass and one of my favorite ones. I've got so many pictures of her on my phone from our time together, but this one will always be my favorite. I remember the day I took it like it was yesterday.

We had a picnic, something I've never done before, and she laid back to look up at the sky and watch the clouds floating by. I laid my head down next to her and we just laid there together for a long time. Neither one of us said a word because nothing needed to be said. Annabell doesn't need to always talk to fill the space between us. The most important times I spend with her are the ones where no words are said because they're not needed. For the first time in my life, I can tell what she's thinking and feeling just from her body language. She can tell where my head's at based on how I approach her and hold myself. That's what makes our relationship so special. I don't feel any pressure to fill the silence with words that aren't meant.

When I sat back up, I took the picture of my Bell. Her eyes are closed and she's got a serene smile on her face. Even in the black and white photo, you can see the sun's rays bouncing off her hair and shining bright. It's almost as if a halo is surrounding the top of her head. It was the moment I knew deep in my soul Annabell was going to be my angel, my savior. The second I snapped her picture, Annabell opened her eyes up and gave me the most gorgeous smile I've ever seen in my life. Her smile is enough to light up the darkest night and force all of your demons away. She makes me want to be so much more than I am today and I'll constantly fight for her. I don't see anything about that ever changing.

Now, I've shit on her and made her feel some type of way against me. I have no one to blame but myself and I'll regret my choices until the day I die. Annabell doesn't deserve my shit and I've done nothing but dish it out when she was just trying to be there for me. I was there for her and I couldn't accept her doing the same thing for me. It's not right or fair to her. And there's no way I can ever make it right. It's one of the reasons I want to leave Benton Falls—to give her some peace without seeing me on a regular basis.

Before I can close my eyes and try to get some sleep, there's a knock on my door.

When I open it, I find Hunter standing on the other side. He's leaning against the door frame and I wait for him to say what's on his mind.

"You don't deserve her. You know that, right?" he asks me, pain filling his voice.

"I know. I fucked it all up with her. And I have no good reason why other than my pain in misery," I answer him honestly as I look at him and try to figure out what he's gonna say and how this is going to play out.

"She loves you and I want to see her happy. If I thought I could make her happy, I'd give it a shot and lose my place in the club. But I know she only sees you and she feels your loss more than she's willin' to admit to anyone. Even herself. However, I also know that she's been talkin' to someone at school. She's keepin' things casual because she'll be leavin' soon and doesn't want to leave someone behind. I'm sure you don't know that. You know you've fucked up with her, but the truth is, you might have already lost her."

"You'd give up your spot in the club for her?" I ask, folding my arms over my chest as his words slam into my soul.

"Yes, I would. If I had to, I'd join another club just to be a part of the brotherhood, but I'd give up bein' in the Phantom Bastards for her. If she wanted me. I honestly don't know what the fuck she sees in the guy from school, but they're talkin' about goin' on a date or somethin' after the next game. Pretty sure he's one of the football players," Hunter informs me even as his face falls with the thought of her being with someone else instead of him.

"That's what she's said?" I ask, not sure what to do with this information.

"Nope. I can see it written on her face when she hears your bike. Or talks about the club and stayin' away from the men she loves. You're the only one she wants and you need to decide what you want from her. For now, she's pretendin' she can move on from you with this other guy. I know she's not lyin' to him and she genuinely enjoys talkin' to him. I've been there when he's called or messaged her and her face lights up. Not like it does when she hears your bike or anythin' but it's still there. I've also seen her when I walk up to her. Again, her face lights up and she enjoys spendin' time with me. But, neither one of us are you," Hunter tells me, standing up from the door frame and staring me down.

"You won't have to worry about it much longer. I think I'm headin' out when we get back from this run. I'm talkin' to Slim about takin' off for a while and bein' on my own to sort my shit out. If you want to go for her, do it. But talk to the Pres first. I'm not gonna stand in your way. I want her happy and I know she'll never trust me after the shit I've done to her," I state as pain and regret fill me to the point that it's hard to breathe and I need to grab onto the door tighter to hold myself up.

"That's the thing, she doesn't want anyone but you. Other than the guy at school, others have asked her out and she turns them all down. It could be because of the one she's talkin' to, but I know it's you and only you that she's goin' to settle with. Everyone knows it, even her. She's tryin' to get over you, but she can't because she's got that everlastin' love for you. Unless you put your hands on her, Annabell is always gonna love you and wait for you to get over your shit," Hunter tells me, turning his back and walking down to the bikes. He'll keep watch over them until the guys get back.

I turn and sit on the bed, thinking about everything Hunter just told me. I want to leave Benton Falls behind and get over the loss of my dad so I can be the man Annabell needs me to be. But if I leave here, am I going to make the biggest mistake of my life and push Annabell even further away? Or straight into the arms of another man like Hunter? Or worse, a man who's not from the club that no one knows anything about? Will we all lose Annabell because of the decisions I've made recently? Fuck!

So many decisions to make and not a lot of time to make them. I need to figure out the best way I can do what I have to do for myself and make sure Annabell is safe and happy. If that means me leaving, I'll do it. I don't want to ask her and put the decision on her shoulders, so I'm going to have to use the next two days to figure out the best thing to do and make it happen. Usually, I'd go to Valor to sort this kind of shit out. Now, I know he won't take my call. And if he does, he won't talk to me about Bell. If anything, he'll tell me to leave her the fuck alone and not hurt her anymore. Hell, he's the one who's been teaching her how to drive and that kills me because I was supposed to teach her. I've proven that she can no longer depend on me and it can't be taken back with a few words.

I lay down to try and find sleep, but it doesn't let me sink into it and hide from all the thoughts, pain, and realizations floating around me. My night is spent tossing and turning with thoughts of Annabell and what I need to do. Killer finds me half asleep and sitting on my bike when he comes out with two cups of coffee the next morning. After handing one to me, he sits on his own bike and I wait for him to talk. Killer always does things in his own time and I know this will be no different.

"What's goin' on, Vault?" he finally asks, taking a sip of his coffee while staring at me.

"Didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Got a lot on my mind," I answer, taking a sip of coffee and lighting a cigarette.

"Annabell?" he questions without any judgment or censure.

"Among other things. Thinkin' of goin' on the road to figure out what I want to do now, what I need to do to make everythin' I fucked up right," I tell him, voicing that thought out loud for the first time since I had it.

"Well, you've got a few days to figure it out and I know it's goin' to be weighin' on you. You need to keep your head in the game so no one gets hurt," Killer warns me. "I'm not losin' anyone on this run because your head isn't here. You got me?"

"I got you. I'll be here and only here," I assure him, taking a long sip of the hot coffee.

Killer nods his head at me as the rest of the guys come out of their rooms and get on their bikes. Hunter looks at me on his way to the van. He wants to know I heard him last night. So, I nod my head at him and down the last of my coffee before tossing it into the garbage can behind me. The Prospect is a good guy and if I can't be with Annabell then I hope he does get with her. He'll treat her right and no one will have to worry about some unknown asshole who could hurt her when she's not around the club. That's one of my biggest fears when it comes to her—someone will hurt her when she's at college and Annabell will hide it from us because she doesn't want to upset anyone in her life.

Once Killer starts his bike, the rest of us do the same and we head out. He's leading this run because Slim is going to see Playboy in jail this weekend. It's his weekly visit and he doesn't want to miss it, especially considering Playboy is his son and he's making a mess of things with Sam. She's about to pull a runner and we all see it happening. Hell, that's the reason why Annabell is leaving early for college. She's pulling a runner in the only way she can because it's what she feels she needs to do.

Playboy is pushing her away the same way I'm pushing Annabell away. We're the two dumbasses in the club right now and it's a mess of our own making. He won't see Sam while he's inside on trumped up charges and I won't let Annabell help me. I guess we're more alike than I ever thought we were. Maybe I need to go see him and talk to him about everything going on. Playboy has a fucking temper and will gut me for hurting his sister, but he'll listen to what I have to say first. Maybe he can shed some insight into how I can start making amends. Or if I should go Nomad when I get back. I'll have to think it over on the way home once we're done with the run and I know I won't get anyone hurt.

Shaking my head, I clear my thoughts and follow the guys. I'm in the middle of the pack and I know it's because Killer doesn't think I'll keep my head in the game. So, until I prove to him I'm here with them, I'll be kept on the sidelines so to speak. Not much I can do right now except keep my eyes peeled and look for anyone coming at us. Or any cops that start following us.

We don't have shit on us right now, but that doesn't mean the same can be said on the way back home. I don't even know what we're getting on this run, just know I volunteered to come along for the ride. So, I shake off the remaining thoughts and begin to get my head in the game for today's ride. I can't afford to let my exhaustion cause me to make a stupid mistake that someone else pays for.