Chapter 17

“Clancy Coleman ownedthe Coleman Ranch. He took me in when I didn’t have another solid option for employment. I later found out that was kind of his thing. He looked for those that the world had tried to run over and brought them on to help him keep his family’s ranch afloat.

“Over time, I proved myself to be really good at the work. I wanted to show him he hadn’t made a bad decision in hiring me. That, and I kind of had a bit of a crush on him. It didn’t matter that he was much older than me or that he was my boss. My brain couldn’t get over how good being around him made me feel.”

Gerald took another sip of water before continuing. As much as I wanted the story, I had a feeling I wasn’t going to like hearing about his infatuation with someone else.

Not that he was mine to be possessive of.

He picked back up telling his story while I pushed away my jealousy. “The relationship just kind of… happened. I don’t want to get into it too much because—anyway, he and I were together. But no one knew the boss was into men, so we kept it quiet. Over time, it morphed into more. There were things that required more trust and patience. Through it all, we were a secret.

“It killed a part of me that he didn’t want the others to know. Still, I went along with it because I loved him so much. Then, one day out of the blue, he collapsed. I rushed him to the hospital, only to be told I couldn’t get any updates because I wasn’t family or important enough to be let inside.”

His eyes were burning brighter. Anger shone through his hurt, and I knew then that I’d give the world for this man. Gerald would never be just an employee again. He had my heart, whether he wanted it or not.

“When Clancy finally woke up, he told them all that I could be allowed in on the information. I stayed by his side every single day up until he took his last breath. And not once in all that time did he ever tell anyone else how much we loved one another. It was only after his death that they all confronted me about it. Ironically enough, they’d all known. The rest of the ranch hands didn’t feel it their place to mention it though.”

H gave a dark sort of laugh as he closed his eyes. When he opened them again, some of the fire had dimmed. In its place was apprehension.

“I lost so much of myself trying to be what he needed. After his death, I didn’t know who to be or what to do. I drank to numb the pain. Only, there never seemed to be enough.”

“Which is why you wound up at the facility,” I finished for him. The pieces of his story clicked into place, illuminating the entire dark picture of his heartbreak.

Gerald nodded softly. “When I finished rehab, I decided that the past had to stay in the past. Not for forever, but at least until I’m stronger. I’m not strong enough yet. There are too many triggers there.”

I rubbed along his back. “Is there anything here that triggers you?”

“Oh, gosh no! I love it here. It’s just… well, I didn’t realize what day it was. Had I known it was his birthday, then I’d have warned you I’d get mopey. In the past, I’d drink until I passed out, but I don’t — I really can’t do that anymore. I want to stay sober. That means finding other ways to deal.”

“So becoming besties with the bedroom floor was the answer? I see how it is.” I teased him with an eye roll.

His responding grin sent my heart rate into overdrive. I longed to keep that look on his face. I didn’t want him to ever feel like he wasn’t a priority in my life, no matter to what degree he decided to be in it.

“Can you tell me about the other triggers? I don’t want to do or say something that might send you to a place like you’ve been today. If it’s too much, though, it can wait. I won’t push.”

Gerald’s gaze turned away from me as he hummed. “It’s not really work appropriate information. You’re my boss. I’d just be doing what I did all over again.”

Fuck.

He’s right. Partially anyway.

Because it is far too similar to his past, only I’m not in the closet, and I would never hide him. If anything, I’m the one to shout my relationships from the rooftops. I’ve already proven I can’t go a day without seeing him if today was any indication. I mean, I called the cops to file a missing person report when it could have been that he was just out running errands or something.

I jolted as Gerald pulled away from me. He shifted until there was a small gap between us. It felt like a giant fucking rift, though I knew he was still within arms” reach.

“If I tell you, things will change. You’ll think differently of me.”

I shook my head. “No, I won’t. There is literally nothing you could say that would change how I feel.”

As I watched him and waited, his gaze swung to the windows. It took a few minutes for him to find whatever courage he needed. I wondered what could possibly be so bad that he thought I’d shame and shun him.

With a deep breath, he quietly said, “Clancy was my Daddy. We participated in a kink relationship.”

I couldn’t help the smile that came. “I’m sorry, Gerald.”

“Sorry?” He questioned.

My hands itched to pull him close again. This conversation, this entire situation, had my dominant side working in overdrive. I barely held myself in check.

“Yes, I’m sorry you had to live a life where you weren’t cherished the way you should have been. Being a Daddy is more than just a title. There is a trust that comes with giving someone complete submission. It doesn’t have to be broadcasted to everyone around you, but to go through what you did…” I paused and shook my head. “I really am sorry.”

The tears I’d seen building earlier washed down his cheeks. “I don’t even know what to say to that. I thought you were going to think I was weird. That you’d tell me to get out or something.”

Unable to hold back a second longer, I reached over and took his hand in mine. “I would never say that. There are much kinkier things in this world than a little Daddy kink. I know a guy who loves knives a bit more than the average person. Still not judging him, just like I won’t judge you.”

Gerald tilted his head to the side. “What are you?”

I chuckled. “That’s an interesting question.”

He blushed, then covered his face. “That’s not — I meant to ask how you know all this stuff. What do you know about kink?”

Seemed like it was my turn to get in the hot seat. I tugged him closer until we were touching again, though he wasn’t quite in my lap like I wanted.

“I’m a Dominant and hold membership with a local kink club. A friend of a friend runs it, which I didn’t know initially. I’ve always been more attracted to the dynamic kink relationships offered. Over time, the lifestyle became less about bedroom only activities and shifted into more 24/7 practice.”

His head leaned against the back of the couch as he stared unabashedly over my features. I wasn’t sure what he was looking for, only that I hoped the answer I gave was good enough to continue this. All of this. The talking, the closeness, the connection.

“I don’t know that I can be kinky ever again,” he admitted softly.

Instead of arguing against his point, I asked, “Why do you feel that way?”

“Because I could never call another man Daddy and trust him so blindly like I had before. I couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t want what’s best for me too. I want to be with a man who is proud to be mine and for me to be his. I can’t ever be another dirty secret.”

His pain was palpable. The agony tore through me, rewiring the way I saw our situation.

No matter what, there was one thing he had to know first. “Gerald, I’m not a Daddy Dom.”

I felt his jolt more than I saw it.

“Ok,” he answered.

“When I’m with a partner, I focus on them completely. They are the center of my world in a way that’s hard to describe. I want to ensure their health and safety above all else. And usually, I’m the type to show off more than hide. I won’t rent out a billboard or anything, but it’s painfully obvious to everyone around me when I’m with someone as more than a friend.”

His brow furrowed. “Why are you telling me all this?”

This was where it got dicey. I had no idea how he would handle the true depth of my feelings for him. Hell, I’d only just realized how solidly I wanted to be more with him earlier today when I thought something was wrong. Before, it was only an inkling.

Now, it was like a roaring fire, all warm and welcoming. I couldn’t ignore it even if I tried.

“I’m telling you this because I hope that at some point you and I can explore the idea of more.”

His eyes widened as his body began to shake. “More?”

“Yes, more. Not like you’re used to though. Being submissive with me would be entirely different. There are things that would change and things that wouldn’t. You’ve already shown me that we complement each other quite well.”

“How do you mean?” He asked. “We haven’t… I haven’t…”

“Let me ask you this, why do you come eat lunch with me?”

He frowned. “Because you need to eat and if I don’t show up, I can’t always guarantee you’ve had enough.”

I waited a beat to let that sink in before I asked, “And the breakfast? And helping with errands that I don’t give you? There are several tasks that aren’t part of your job description that you take the initiative to handle.”

“That doesn’t mean anything. I like doing those things. I need to keep busy, and I enjoy knowing you’re taken care of.”

I shrugged. “You could always have someone else take care of it. There have to be better things than you waiting on me hand and foot.”

“No! I can do it. I… I want to do it,” he said with a frown.

“Have you heard of something called service submission or service orientation, Gerald?”

His lips slipped into a soft pout as he shook his head. “No. What’s that?”

“It’s when a person enjoys providing service to another, whether sexual or platonic, as a means of fulfillment. Service varies in what the act entails. In this instance, I believe you find pleasure in providing for me, both when I ask you to do a task and when you are proactive without my instruction.”

His muscles relaxed slowly. “You mean it’s not some weird thing?”

“Not at all,” I told him fervently. “There are loads of people in this world who enjoy completing a task. Sometimes service is sexual and other times it’s merely for the act of the work. It can involve monetary compensation, as we’ve been doing, or it can be done in scenes at a place like the club I attend. Does that all make sense so far?”

“It does.”

I rubbed my thumb over his knuckles. “Good. I’ve not personally had a service sub in the past, though I’ve seen several in passing or at parties. I would like to explore the idea of you embracing your desire to serve as a way for you to combat your addiction. There are several people in our community who have found their way from dangerous, dark places into the beauty that BDSM can be.”

Gerald licked his lips, sinking further into the couch. It was fascinating to watch him ponder through my words. I continued when he didn’t appear to have any questions.

“We wouldn’t change anything at first. All we would focus on was making sure you took the time to truly enjoy whatever service act you completed. The entirety of your day while working would be for you to evaluate how you feel. Is it making you happy? Are you bored and in constant need of things to fill your time? Does it bring about a numbness, like when you’d drink? Are you aroused? We’d catalogue those feelings and then together, we’d work through what the future looked like.”

“But what do you get out of it? You’re already paying me. Are you saying you want to do all this out of the goodness of your heart?”

I yanked on his hand, which, of course, caught him off guard. He tumbled forward, landing right in my arms.

“Did you not hear my earlier statement about wanting more with you? While I would love to dive in headfirst, I’m not going to neglect the fact that your only experience with kink was in a power dynamic relationship where you held very little control. If and when we decide to make this something more than you learning your desires, then I will show you just how strongly I want you. Always.”

Our breaths tangled. He was that close.

I watched as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened them, there was a renewed sense of wonder there. It lay beneath the pain, beneath the hurt. Still, it was strong enough for me to know we could find our way with a bit of patience.

“I think… I want to try. The self-evaluation thing, at least. I can’t say about the rest. When I took this job, I told myself I wouldn’t wind up in the same situation as last time. It was supposed to be a fresh start.”

His words weren’t meant to hurt, but they stung, nonetheless. I’d had a feeling he wouldn’t jump into my arms happily declaring us be together. In fact, I’d have been apprehensive had he done just that.

There was a slight part of me that had been hopeful though.

I pushed away the urge I had to rush things and focused on my dominant side. It knew what Gerald needed more than my eager emotions did.

“While that may have been the plan, life doesn’t always go the way we want. And I’m not rushing you in any way. We have all the time in the world.”