32. Oakley

32

OAKLEY

The first two days that Loren is gone, I stay at his house. It should feel weird, right? I'm practically a stranger. At the very least, I should feel slightly awkward with his father.

But… it's not. I can feel that they're still careful with me, testing the waters to make sure they don't inadvertently make me uncomfortable, but otherwise, I feel like we've been friends a lot longer than a few months.

It's hard to believe so much has happened since September. I'd barely begun school when Daniel/Jason showed up in my life. Then there was Loren, the serial killer, and then really Loren. And now, it's like I've just never left his place.

It's weird and lonely sleeping in Loren's room alone. Yet, I'm sure I'd rather be here than completely alone across the street. At the Van Doren's, there are people here. Four others with the triplets and Myro right down the hall. I can hear them moving around to some extent, and I take a lot of comfort in it.

The first night alone in Loren's room felt very… intrusive. This is his personal space. There's the urge to look around, open drawers, and snoop into all the nooks and crannies. I even go so far as to text him to ask if I can. I swear, I can hear his amusement in the text he sends back, which confirms that I can look wherever I want.

I don't, but having permission makes me feel less like an invader.

The first night makes me realize how much I've come to really love sleeping with Loren. The way his arms wrap around me. How I can feel his body everywhere. Feel his breaths on my neck and his heartbeat against my back.

At least I can still smell him on the pillows and within the blankets.

Late on the third afternoon that Loren's not here, I head home. Well, to home number two. Or maybe that's home number one since I lived there first. Anyway, I head across the road to the home I live in with my best friends.

Unsurprisingly, Voss and Imry follow me across. Brek, Levis, and Briar are home and when Levis texted, I said I'd be right over.

Stepping inside, I smile. They don't seem at all bothered to find Voss and Imry coming into our space. I didn't think they would. They enjoy the Van Dorens.

"Okay so tell me how Christmas was," I say by way of greeting, curling up in my usual chair.

"Normal for me," Brek says. "I'm never going to be the child they wanted, but they love me despite my shortcomings."

Imry and Voss give him surprised, disgusted looks. "What does that mean?" Imry questions.

Brek shakes his head. "My family likes to pride themselves on being number one in everything, with awards and accolades and shit. From academics to sports to careers." He shrugs. "I've never lived up to their standards."

"Which is stupid," Briar insists. "You have a 3.9 GPA and a job offer."

Brek shrugs again. "I spent the week listening to how Sally was invited to speak at a conference in India for her research. Ryan graduated high school having broken the academic record in Rhode Island. Little Suzie Michael can now ride a two wheeler and she's barely three. ‘Oh. Honey. How's college going?' I hear as an afterthought once they've made it clear that all my cousins—even my three-year-old cousin—have outdone me everywhere."

"That's shit," Voss says.

"Yeah, well." Brek shrugs once more. "That's my life."

"What's the job offer?" Imry asks, changing the subject back to something other than Brek's father.

"There's a local real estate agent, Zaiden Nyles, who I've met on campus a few times—he's teaching a course on real estate—and we've been talking. He offered me an entry level job once I graduate where I can learn and prep hands-on for the real estate course. When I become licensed after the test, he'll give me a job as an agent."

"That's awesome," Voss says. "Your parents weren't excited for you?"

"I didn't tell them," Brek admits with a bitter chuckle. "Not only is that not utilizing my degree, but it's also entry level with no prestige."

"No offense, but your parents sound like assholes," Imry says.

Brek waves them off. I know it hurts him, even though he's pretending it doesn't right now. He's lived with this his entire life, so he's become a bit desensitized to it. He knows what's going to make them happy, which is nothing he manages, and what's going to earn him mock pride that sounds more like ‘oh, that's nice, dear' than actual congratulations.

It's never even mattered what's important to Brek. He is smart and he is driven. He's accomplished some really impressive things in his educational career, but they weren't at the very top; so to his parents, they were nothing better than merit awards received by everyone who simply shows up and puts in the time.

I've always been really glad that Brek is an only child. I can't imagine how miserable his life would be if his parents were constantly pitting him and a sibling against each other for who's the better Holleran child.

"What about you?" Brek asks, looking at Briar. We know that means he's had enough with the conversation.

"As you, normal. We show up, act like we're close for family, and then go our separate ways after exchanging generic gifts that we all inevitably return," Briar tells us.

"I'm not sure if that's pleasant or tragic," Imry says.

Briar chuckles. "Honestly, we're just really different. Siblings likely couldn't be more different then we are. There's no ill will. We weren't shit to each other growing up. We just literally have zero in common. Believe me, we've actually tried over the years—of our own desire. The most we can pull off is faking interest in what the others talk about so we've kind of just let our relationships simmer, I guess. We love each other. We'd show up if someone needs something, but overall—we're just not friends."

"Yes, tragic," Imry affirms. "I don't mean this to sound mushy, but I can't imagine not being close to my brothers."

Voss nods, frowning. "Built in best friends."

I grin, hiding it behind my knees. That's how me and Dylan were growing up too.

"That's corny," Briar says, grinning. "I love my family, but I'm cool with our relationship. Yeah, it might be nice to have ‘built in best friends' but there are worse situations to have with siblings."

"Speaking of which," I interject. "I haven't heard from Haze. He doing okay with Oren?"

"He's coming home tomorrow," Levis says. "He just called me yesterday to ask for a pickup from the airport. He says it's been good for them both, but they're still working on building their relationship, so more than a week is a little much for the first visit."

"I'm glad it's been good, though," I say.

Levis nods. "Definitely. For both of them."

We've never actually met Oren in person, though we've seen him from afar. Everything we know has come from Haze over the guilt-ridden years and out of fear for his brother. Otherwise, we don't know Oren at all.

The more Haze told us growing up, the more afraid we became for him. As much as we'd have loved to become heroes and somehow rescue Oren from the fate he found himself in—yes, we talked about it often—our selfish focus was on making sure Haze was safe and relatively unharmed.

A moment of silence settles around us before Levis continues, "We don't celebrate Christmas, but we celebrated the New Year. Everything was fine and my mother sent me home with a whole Osechi Ryori to share with you."

"Yes!" Brek cheers, grinning.

"That's… New Year's food, right?" Voss asks, tilting his head as if he were trying to recall.

"It is. Three layered lacquer boxes filled with different, traditional foods we eat on New Year. My mom and sister make several to give to friends they've made here in the U.S.," Levis tells us.

"That's awesome," Voss says, grinning.

Levis nods. "It's really awesome that I get to eat it twice this year." He looks at me. "What about you? How was your first Christmas without your family?"

I huff. "I'm still salty that my parents wanted to travel instead of being with me and my brother, but it was great. You don't really know what is actually a family tradition until you experience someone else's family Christmas."

"Loren spoiled the fuck out of him," Imry teases, smirking.

I flush. "I don't understand how he managed to buy all that without me knowing. He never leaves my side!" I don't miss the way Brek tries not to scowl.

"Online. The man rarely sleeps. The guest room has been filling with boxes for the past month," Voss shares, chuckling.

"But yeah, it was great," I admit, glossing over it when I'd love to say more but want to avoid Brek's attitude. "Mom and Dad called and showed me their chalet and strange tropically decorated tree. I talked to Dylan for a while, and Mom promised we'll all get together for my birthday next month."

"That's something," Levis says.

"I want to hear what Loren got you," Briar says, apparently ignoring the way Brek is becoming sour.

"My favorite thing was the black throw pillow that said, ‘fuck it, just get naked.'" Imry laughs. "The look of horror on Oakley's face!"

"Oh no," Voss interjects. "You misremember. The look of horror was when Loren, witnessing Oakley's blush, said he thought that one was more appropriate than the one that read ‘Taint Tickler.'"

I press my hands to my face to hide the way it's turning red as Briar and Levis laugh. Through the cracks in my fingers, I can see Brek scowl. Once again, I change the subject.

Over the next few hours, we continue to talk and catch up. As long as the conversation stays away from Loren, Brek is pleasant enough. I have to change the subject abruptly like three times before the others seem to catch on and stop bringing up Loren. From the way Voss and Imry eye Brek, I think they finally realize why I'm doing it.

However, I've apparently gotten too comfortable in this ‘avoid the subject of my boyfriend' ruse, because the next time he's brought up and I turn the conversation elsewhere, Brek says, "Why do you keep doing that? What's so bad that even you don't want to talk about your boyfriend?"

While I intend to ignore him and move the conversation along, Voss interjects, "He's changing the subject because you constantly get a dick up your ass every time my brother's name is mentioned."

"Voss, don't," I say, warily.

"I do not," Brek defends. "We can talk about his lack of?—"

"Don't you fucking finish that," I snap and sit forward. "You know what? I'm done with this conversation with you. You don't want me to talk about Loren, but when I don't you get pissed off that I'm not. There's no making you happy and quite frankly, I'm tired of trying. When you're done being a dick, let me know, Brek, because right now, I have no interest in being around you." Getting to my feet, I head for the stairs and stomp up them, Brek's look of surprise staying with me.

As if he doesn't know he's been a fuckhead for months! Whatever.

I'm stomping around my room when I turn to find Imry in my doorway. "You okay?"

"I don't know what his problem is. Loren makes him uneasy and therefore, I should act like he's a pariah or some shit. I'm over it."

"The longer you're with Loren, the more you're going to find people are very black and white with him. They either love or hate him. Most of the time, their inability to understand why he's different makes them hate him."

"It's shit," I mutter, dropping onto my bed with a huff.

"It is. Loren doesn't seem to care much, which isn't surprising. His ability to care about such things is absent." He grins. "But it bothers me and my brothers. We protect him from the outside world as much as we can, as does Dad."

I smile. "I don't think he knows that."

Imry's smile lingers. "He doesn't. Mostly because he doesn't know how to recognize that we do. But when you love someone, you innately want to protect them. Just as you did tonight with Brek."

Sighing, I fall backward and close my eyes. "I'm just so damn tired of Brek's attitude. He's been weird since Daniel/Jason and yeah, I get it. My judge of character maybe needs some work, as does my self-image, which I think is really what made me ignore all of Daniel/Jason's red flags. But fuck."

"In his defense, Loren has a whole lot more red flags than Daniel did," Imry admits, amused.

I snort. "Oh, I know. Maybe they're a different shade of red, though. Like… burgundy."

Imry laughs. "You sleeping here tonight?"

"Yeah. That okay?"

"Of course. You have a spare room in this place?"

"Downstairs across from Levis by the front door. But there's only one."

"Well, I asked about it, therefore it's mine. Sweet dreams, sunshine. See you in the morning." He closes my door behind him.

Refusing to give any more attention to the mood Brek put me in, I decide to go to bed. It's already nine, so that's plenty reasonable. I move through my bathroom and then strip from my clothes before climbing into my bed. Before I turn off the bedside lamp, I text Loren.

Me

Going to bed. Hurry home.

Loren Van Doren

Good night. See you soon.

Me

I'm across the street. Pick me up tomorrow as soon as you get in?

Loren Van Doren

Okay.

Even in my irritation, I fall asleep relatively quickly, but I'm woken up by my bedroom door opening. It's still dark out so I'm slightly disoriented when I turn around. In my sleep, I imagine it's going to be Loren. But it's Brek.

He hovers over the side of my bed.

"What?" I say groggily.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "For being such an ass."

I huff. "You want to tell me why you've been an ass, or am I just going to accept your apology and go back to sleep?"

I can barely make out the curve of his lips as he smiles. He climbs onto my bed and I move over to make him room. As he settles, I close my eyes. We can talk with my eyes closed.

"I've been jealous," he says.

"That makes zero sense," I mutter. "You don't even like him."

His inhale is loud. "We've grown up with Honey Bee, Levis, and Briar always having partners. You, Haze, and me… we were always the three that didn't. I know you and Haze had circumstances around why you didn't but…" His voice trails off. "I guess I didn't expect that the only people I could actually imagine being, uh, like that with were the five of you. Not that I entertained the thought much, mind you, but the knowledge that the only people I ever found attractive were you guys kind of messed me up. So now that you have someone and have practically moved out, and Levis is talking about marrying this girl, and Honey Bee has mentioned getting her own place after graduation more than once… I'm having a really hard time adjusting and accepting it all."

I'm not surprised by most of what he said. Brek has never been good at change. He hates it. Gradual change he can roll with more easily, but big things have always sent him into slight panics. In just five months, there's going to be a lot of change triggered by graduation.

"So you're taking it out on me. More specifically on anything having to do with me when Loren's concerned.".

Brek sighs. "I'm jealous," he repeats.

"I realize you think that's supposed to clear this up, but I'm not seeing the connection quite yet."

"I don't want you to be with Loren."

"Okay, that much I've figured out," I say, chuckling.

"Jesus, Oakley," he mutters and shifts on the bed. I open my eyes when he does. I have like ten seconds to register his words and what happens directly following. "I want to be with you. I love you."

Then his mouth is on mine.