21. Loren

21

LOREN

Looking at Oakley right now is like looking into the mirror if it showed the exact opposite reaction. I need him to accept this, but there's no true fear or dread or worry that he's not going to. It just means I need to find a way to make him understand.

"Noah and I talked about love a lot over the last year, and he thinks I do have the capacity to love. It's just defined differently by me. He says love isn't a one-size-fits-all kind of emotion. There are a lot of different kinds of love."

"The ancient Greek had anywhere from six to nine different types of love," Oakley interjects, smiling. "Different scholars claim different things."

His enthusiasm over history never ceases to make me smile. "Noah thinks my love just looks differently than most people's. Some of the things you like—romance, for example—aren't going to come naturally to me. But if I put a different definition to what romance means, I can usually find something that puts a smile on your face. I want to keep you smiling. I want to hear about your life. I want to be the person who makes you happy. I want to see you all the time and I want you to feel that way, too. Noah thinks this is love for me."

"You're saying that Noah thinks you love me now?" he asks, eyes wide.

"I also appreciate that you're very expressive, even when I don't always know exactly what you're expressing," I continue, grinning and ignoring his question, running my finger along his jaw. "Noah thinks I experienced love at first sight, which seemed like the least crazy thing I could say to Levis the other day or week or whatever. So I also volunteered that as an explanation as to why I was following you. Although, full disclaimer, if he hasn't already figured out that I'm a sociopath, he's going to at some point. He's very observant."

Oakley smiles. "He is. Also, he seems to like you, so even if he has figured it out, he isn't holding it against you."

"Good. But what I need to know is if you can love me knowing that I might not be able to return that sentiment in a way you're familiar with."

"If I say I can't?"

There's no good answer right here, so I feel like maybe this is a trap. "There's a chance that I'm still never going to leave," I say. "But I won't ever harm you either."

His answering smile is soft. Oakley stares at me, his eyes flitting between mine and all over my face. I want to ask what he sees. What he's thinking. But I let him work it out for himself. In reality, there's no ‘chance' about it. I will always be in his shadow. As soon as I saw this man, a part of me was rewritten to include Oakley in my makeup. He's a part of me and quite frankly, I will not live without him.

"Okay," he says finally.

"That's not very specific on what you're agreeing to."

Oakley's smile widens. "The way I see it, everyone is different. As your friend Noah says, love is different for everyone. Not to get philosophical, but all relationships are different too. I've never had one, so it's not like I have anything to compare one to; so the way I see it, we can just build something together that's right for both of us. Right?"

"Mmm," I respond. "Are you naturally shy?"

My question surprises him and his eyes widen a little before he laughs. "Yes."

"I'm not necessarily shy, but I'm not social. I'm the aggressor when I know what I want and how to get it—I don't mean that violently." I pull him closer, bringing his hips to mine. His cheeks pinken. "I've never done anything with a guy, and we've already established that I've never had a relationship, and I suck at reading people in general, so initiating anything on my part is likely going to be rare. I needed coaching to know how and when I could kiss you."

Oakley likes everything I said, but especially the last admission. His smile is so big and wide. It's a light all on its own. "You asked for advice about me?"

"More than once."

"So… if I want to touch you, should I ask?" he says, wrapping his arms around my neck and bringing his mouth to mine. His lips hover, not quite touching. He's so close that I can no longer see him clearly.

"Not necessarily. But again, don't get upset if I need space."

"Do you need space right now?"

I shake my head.

"Can I touch you right now?"

"I'm not sure how much more you can be touching me," I comment, raising a brow.

I'm not generally na?ve. For the record. I'm going to chalk this moment of dumbassery up to being distracted that Oakley's so close, he's alive, and he seems to accept me and still wants to be with me.

"You're awfully cute," he says, grinning. "Can I touch your skin, Loren?" His top hand moves from behind my head over my shoulder, between us down my chest and stomach to the hem of my shirt.

"Oh. Yeah. You can touch me."

He laughs quietly, his hand sliding under my shirt to rest on my stomach. His hand is warm. Hot. I can feel the heat seeping into me and igniting my blood.

"I just realized what you said. You've never been with a guy?" he asks suddenly, pulling his face back to look at me clearly.

I blink at the sudden change in his body language and tone. No longer quiet and teasing, heated. Now surprised and… disbelieving?

"No. Does that bother you?"

Once again, I can't read the expression on his face. But I'm really trying. "No," he whispers. "I just… I've never been someone's first before. First anything."

"How about you're not my first then? You're my last. My only. Does that make it better?"

Okay, I think he liked that. His eyes look a little glassy now. Oakley nods and then his mouth is on mine.

His kisses are never aggressive. To this point, they've only ever been soft and exploratory. I thought we were getting comfortable with each other during our last kisses.

Maybe it was me slowing us down.

I've been slightly hard since I climbed into bed with him. It couldn't be helped. Not when being this close, especially when he's wearing so little. As soon as we got him back here, I took off his dirty clothes and Myro washed his wounds because I was shaking too bad to do so. Then I tucked him into my bed and covered him up.

I dig my fingers into his hair, tangling the long strands around them. He moans into my mouth and the sound goes straight to my core. His hand on my stomach moves further up my torso, touching me. Exploring. Dipping along my ribs and around my back.

His tongue dips into my mouth. It's easy to lose myself in him. Letting him be the one to move this wherever he wants it to go. I'd give him my kidney right now if he asked. Fuck, I'd let him take it without asking.

"Is this okay?" he asks, breaking his mouth from mine.

"You don't need to ask," I tell him. "I'm sure you can feel that it's okay."

He smiles, kissing me again. The way his mouth moves against mine, leading my tongue into the dance he choreographed, has me chasing his lips when he pulls away again. "Will you take your clothes off, Loren?"

I nod but don't move, trying to get his mouth to mine again.

Oakley grins. "Now?"

Grunting, I pull away and quickly shove my clothes off. My gaze doesn't leave Oakley. While I undress, he pushes the blankets off him and my eyes trail down his body, looking for any injuries we missed.

There aren't any that I can see. Some bruises but I knew they were there.

His fingers in the elastic of my underwear make me pause again. He tugs them gently. "These too?"

I push them away and then still, watching him stare at my dick. I'm not self-conscious. I'm probably pretty average. Glancing down, I decide that I am average. Maybe a little bigger? What's average again?

When Oakley licks his lips, I decide that I don't even care.

"Can I touch you?" he whispers.

I huff. Reaching for his hand, I place it over my dick. Oakley grins, his eyes flickering to mine. "You really don't need to keep asking, Oakley. I'm perfectly capable of telling you if I don't want to do something."

"Yes, well, I'm very aware that you haven't touched another guy and haven't had one touching you. I imagine it could be a little… intimidating? Confusing?" His eyebrows knit together.

"Why?" I ask.

His eyes flicker to mine again. "Uh… I think a sexual awakening tends to do all those things initially."

"I hope I didn't mislead you. I'm plenty sexually awakened."

Oakley laughs, his hand wrapping around my dick. It jumps in his hold. Jesus, I like his hand around me.

"I love that you're you," he says and gives a gentle tug on my cock to pull me nearer.

I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I lower myself to hover over him. Oakley spreads his legs on either side of mine. He's still in his underwear—boxer briefs—they're snug and I can see how hard he is right now too.

The desire to touch him is strong, but I kind of just want to let him touch me right now.

"Thanks," I say, pulling my thoughts back to what he said.

"I want to keep checking." Oakley scooches down onto his back so he's laying under me. Fucking hell, have I ever seen someone sexier? It makes my breath catch. Like I literally forget how to take a proper breath looking at him right now. "For my own peace of mind. And I think it'll prompt you to make sure you're comfortable too. All right?"

"Oakley, you could ask for my kidney and I would say yes right now."

He laughs. "Kiss me, Loren."

As if I were on strings, I drop to him, bringing my mouth to his. Still, I let him orchestrate this as I lose myself in the way he's touching me. Alternating between jerking my dick and learning its shape. The weight of my balls. Pressing against my taint until I'm practically growling into his mouth.

Oakley shoves me onto my back and climbs on top of me. The way I nearly come when he becomes more assertive has my head spinning. Then he's moving down, dragging his tongue along my skin. There's a vague thought that I hope I got all the blood off me.

"This okay?" he asks.

"Yep."

His tongue flickers over my cockhead and my hips jerk. He grins. "This okay?"

"Oakley, I swear?—"

His grin widens. I don't get to finish my empty threat before he takes my dick into his mouth. My hand immediately goes to his hair, gathering it in my fist. I need to see his face. I need to watch him swallow me and hollow his cheeks as he sucks gently.

His pretty eyes meet mine and I'm so fucking close to filling his mouth. The way he's looking at me! Like he enjoys this.

I stare. There's no convincing myself to look anywhere else. My mouth is open as I try to suck in air. A lungful eludes me.

And then he's buried his nose in my pelvis, bringing me to the back of his throat, and sucking like I'm a lollipop. My eyes roll. My hips jerk. I try to pull him off, try to warn him, but I think I only manage some incoherent sounds before I've lost it down his throat.

In the seconds that it takes me to empty, my entire body tingles with pleasure. I'm so fucking hot right now, I break out in a sweat.

Then Oakley's moving back up my body, kissing along my torso. I grip his hair with both my hands and bring his mouth to mine.

It's a miscalculation. Even though I'm very aware that I just came down his throat, my brain misfires because the taste of my release on his tongue surprises me. I'm momentarily disturbed until his body comes down on mine and I can feel how wet his underwear is.

I pull my mouth from his. "Did you?—"

Oakley's cheeks heat and he nods. "You're hot on a regular day, but the sounds you make when I'm sucking your dick are definitely sensory overload."

It's been a while since I got off. Like, the week before seeing Oakley. I've been preoccupied. Now I don't think I'm going to remain off for any real length of time. I bring his mouth to mine again, kissing him hard.

He groans into me, his body already moving against mine as he climbs on top. Oakley wiggles out of his underwear and then wraps our not quite hard dicks in his fist. My hips jerk into his hand and a brand-new heat wave surges through me.

I'm never going to get tired of the way he touches me. Ever!