Chapter Fifteen

London

Keeping the job offer secret from Daddy until I figured things out was full stop not working. Not even Chained had been able to distract me from the feud happening in my head. Now I had both the secret making me feel like a crappy little mashed up with actually acting like a crappy little. It was a freaking hot mess, and one I needed to fix and now.

I wanted to share everything with him and had from the start. I'd been too inside my head to see it though, and all that did was make matters 4,000 percent worse. Once again, I'd let my fear get in the way, and I was ruining our night together. And if I didn't fix it, I was going to ruin so much more than that.

"I can't stand to see you so sad and not be able to help," he said.

I broke down in tears. "Daddy, I don't know what to do. I promised I'd tell you everything. I want to do that. I need to do that. But it's so hard. I don't even know where to begin. It's such a mess in my head. How can I make it make sense for yours?"

He pulled me into his lap. When did we sit near each other? Heck, I barely remembered coming back here in the first place.

"I've got you." He hugged me close. "Take a deep breath. Tell me what's happening. I've got you."

"I know. You always do, and I never fail to let you down." Tears fell freely from my eyes.

"No, my little conductor. You never let me down. We are both doing the best we can. That's all anyone can do."

"I try." More tears, my voice cracking as I spoke the two words.

"Start from the beginning and go forward from there. I promise you, whatever it is, we'll figure it out…together."

I pushed back a little so I could see his face but not be out of his embrace. "I got offered a job."

"My gut says to congratulate you, but you don't sound happy about that."

"No. I am. It's a great job. It will help people. So many more than I am now. It will be everything, but also..." A lump grew in my throat, my heart thumping so loudly even I could hear it.

"But also, what?" He wasn't pushing; he was opening the door. Had he pushed, I'd have clammed right up. I was already putting enough pressure on myself. Any more, and I'd shut down. Had he seen that? Of course, he did. He was Daddy.

"But also, it's not here."

He tipped my head up with a finger under my chin. "How about we take a big step back? Tell me what's going on from the beginning. I feel like I'm missing too much."

"The beginning. I guess you could say it was our trip." I closed my eyes. "They came to me because they heard me talk, and they're thinking about upgrading a project connected to the university. I didn't understand who all is funding it, but basically, they want me to help people learn to do what I do—to help others via volunteer clinics and opportunities via their outreach program. It's a great opportunity and it could do so much for the community, but..."

"But it's moving. And you don't want to leave this town?"

I didn't say anything. He didn't need the pressure of knowing what was really holding me back. If he wanted to think this town was what I held precious, then let him.

He sighed. "Oh, sweet boy. It's because of me, isn't it? You don't want to leave me."

I wrapped my arms around him as tightly as I could, not wanting even an inch of space to be between us, and nodded against his body.

"How about you give me all the details, every last one, and you and I will figure this out together?"

"It's not that easy." If it had been, I wouldn't be in the changing room of a kink club crying my eyes out instead of having fun.

"It can be. Let's give it a go. The worst that can happen is we are back where we started. Tell Daddy everything."

And so I did. I told about getting the email, about my patient who came in and reminded me why what I did mattered, the one that most people would turn away, I gave him all of the details I could remember without my notes of the follow-up Zoom I'd had with them.

The more I spoke, the more I got excited about the work. But also, as my excitement grew, so did the fear he was going to tell me to take the job. It wouldn't be right for him not to. That didn't mean it wouldn't hurt.

"It sounds like a great opportunity." His voice gave nothing away.

"It is and if…if my heart wasn't here, I'd probably have said yes immediately." At least I think I would. My true feelings about the job and my emotions were a mixed-up pot of confusion at the moment, and I couldn't be sure.

"Did you know that I can do my job from almost anywhere that has an airport?"

I hadn't. I knew he traveled a lot. But traveling and working from anywhere weren't the same. Not even close.

I shook my head.

"And if you take the job and you wanted me to, I could come with you."

"You would leave here for me?"

"My little conductor, of course I would. I'd do anything for you. But really, it would be a selfish move." He tapped my nose. "I'd be doing it for me. The heartbreak of not being near you… I don't even want to think about that.

I looked up at him and said the first thing that popped into my head. "I love you, Daddy."

"I love you, my little conductor. I love you."

We talked some more, this time creating a basic action plan. We were gonna go check out the job and the new city together. They had offered me a trip out there, and it was time I took them up on it. Until we did that, neither of us was going to make any decisions. We needed all of the information first.

I didn't know what would come of all this, but I already felt lighter. I didn't know if the job was one I needed or if it was one I'd be willing to move forward with. Maybe I'd get there and it would be dreadful. Just because I liked their goals and their mission didn't mean I was going to like the path they wanted to use to get there.

What I did know, and all that mattered, was that Daddy was going to be by my side through all of it.

"I look horrible." My face burned from crying. There was no way I still looked adorable.

"You don't."

"But do I look good enough to go back out into the club?" Now that I'd dealt with all the big crap on my plate, I needed to escape, to be little.

"Is that what you want? You want to go back and play?"

I thought about it. "Yeah, I want to play. To fall into little space and just be." Playing with mounds of toys, surrounded by other littles, and under the care of my daddy sounded delightful.

"We can do that."

"And, Daddy? I'm sorry I kept it all in. I'm trying to be better at communicating."

"We're getting better at it." He held out his hand, and I took it. "Let's find a baby wipe and clean up your face before we go back to the little room. Maybe I can find us a book about trains.

"And maybe a craft…with glitter."

"Nope. It's not a special occasion," he reminded me.

"Stupid rules," I mumbled as he led me over to the changing table where the baby wipes lived. "Stupid no-glitter rules."

Big me a 1,000 percent understood why they were limiting the stuff. Little me was grumpy about it.

"Maybe there'll be stickers. You like stickers."

"I do like stickers." And I didn't trust anyone who didn't. They were the best.

Later that evening, I went home with a whole arm full of stickers. For some reason, I thought collecting them there instead of on the piece of paper Ms. Lily offered me was a good idea. As Daddy took them off before bed, I saw how very wrong I was. But he kissed the spots where each one had been, so maybe it was the best idea ever. Maybe.