9. Nine

Nine

By the time I got home, I was too tired to discuss the case with Zack. It was late, and we both had early starts.

Zack was hyped up with the excitement of his new job, and I didn’t want to bring bad news into the house. Well, I didn’t fully class it as bad news, but… it was certainly going to raise some interesting conversations.

As Anna had asked, I made sure I was in work and ready for the day, prior to eight thirty, but I found myself alone in the boardroom. Had she got me in early just to be mean?

I threw myself into a seat in frustration - why was Anna such a bitch? Was this really still because of Zack? Between the tension at home and her non-stop whining, I could do with a break.

I pulled my hair up into a messy bun. It annoyed me at times, flopping around my face when I already felt angsty. Thank god I’d stopped for a Starbucks… At least that was one place that never let me down.

I’d grabbed a copy of The Metro while I was there. With the hours I’d put in lately, I deserved ten minutes to read and caffeinate. Especially as I’d got to work early for absolutely no reason. I inhaled the smell of the caramel macchiato as I lifted the lid. Was this better than sex? It was the closest I was getting for now, anyway. Actually, to be fair, of all the things I had to complain about, that wasn’t one of them.

The first couple of pages of news were just depressing; I needed happy. I remembered an easier life at Draper the coffee buzz soaked into me along with the warm feeling from those words. I decided to keep hold of the paper for times when I needed an emotional lift, so stashed it in my desk drawer as I turned my mind to the day ahead.

By the time we got to mid-afternoon, I was convinced that it didn’t matter which firm represented the other side. Paperwork was just paperwork. I’d have nothing to do with Luke; I kept repeating that to myself. I might have to speak to a secretary over there every now and then, but that would be the height of my involvement. I was purely here to support Peter and Anna and deal with invoices and all the dull detail. I was absolutely sure… One hundred percent.

“Lily!” Anna screeched across the room, breaking me out of a trance. She hadn’t even mentioned the fact I’d got there early for no reason. “Isn’t this where you used to work?”

Fantastic…

“Yes, new partner now, though, a lot of new staff probably. Why?”

“Just wondered. No reason.” She studied her long, deep red nails. “Can I have more coffee please?”

Everyone who worked here could make their own coffee, except for Anna. I stood in the kitchen and messaged Zack while I waited for the coffee machine to kick in. At least she’d said please this time.

Hey you. Good day? xx

Great day. How about you? Miss you x

You’ll see me soon silly. It’s an OK day x

Want to go out for dinner? You can tell me why it’s only OK? x

Sounds great. Want to pick me up from here when you’re done? x

It’s a date date x

I smiled at our little, private joke; it felt old now, but so us. Coffee made, I plastered on a smile and got on with the work. Anna seemed almost bearable for the rest of the afternoon, and although it was strange at times, seeing his name on this paperwork, there was nothing particularly ‘Luke’ about it, it could’ve been from anywhere.

I rushed out of the door when Zack messaged to say he was outside. He looked especially sexy today in a dark blue suit. He thought his hair needed a cut, but to me, it was perfect. As he scooped me into a hug, I kissed him and took the excuse to run my fingers through it.

“See, you missed me too, I knew it.” Zack smiled as he spoke and grabbed hold of my hand.

“Ugh, some things don’t change,” Anna’s snidey voice rang out as she approached us. “How’s the job going?”

I zoned out as they talked about something corporate that I wasn’t interested in. Zack’s fingers stroked mine in reassurance as I leant my head against him. I was just in a lovely daydream about where we should go to eat when I felt Zack bristle next to me.

“Did Lily not tell you?” Anna asked in an innocent voice, always the actress .

“No,” said Zack as he let go of my hand. I saw Anna smirk at the movement.

“Sorry!” She bit her lip coyly as she walked away. Zack appeared oblivious to her as he focused his eyes on me.

“Why would you not tell me?” His voice was deadpan. I hadn’t heard the conversation, but I knew exactly what this was.

“Well, I only found out yesterday, and then I was with Cassie, and this is the first time I’ve seen you properly and?—”

“Lily, stop,” he sighed, and I noticed his fingers were clenched into a fist. “Let’s get a drink. I don’t want to talk about it out here.”

I almost had to jog to keep up with him, which wasn’t easy in heels. I seemed to be permanently in trouble. He marched into a pub around the corner, making a vague effort to hold the door open for me. I sat at a small table by the window as he stood at the bar, his shoulders hunched. The place was dimly lit, almost as if the nicotine smoke cloud of years ago still remained.

His lips were pursed together as he sat and pushed a miserable looking wine towards me over the sticky, wooden table. He drank from a whisky glass, and everything about his posture screamed of tension. I swallowed, not knowing what to say.

“So?” Zack glared at me as he spoke.

“There’s not a lot to say. I found out yesterday. I’d already said yes to the role. It’s not like he’ll be around the office.”

“You’ll be thinking about him all the time again.”

“Zack, if I wanted to think about him I would. It’s not like a horrible child custody case is going to make me want him back,” I said. “If I say I don’t want to do this now, I’ll look a total idiot at work.”

“See, again you’re putting other stuff ahead of me. Work, Cassie, him, everything comes before me,” Zack’s voice was eerily calm.

“That is not true! I wouldn’t ask you to put yourself into an awkward position at work. It’s not fair. If I was going to be sat in a room with him for the next six months, I could see your point, but I won’t even see him.”

“Then why didn’t you mention it?” asked Zack, his tone remained calm.

“Because this is the first chance I’ve had. I found out yesterday and then I went out with Cassie. I already explained this. I was out telling her that you don’t want me to help her. There doesn’t seem to be much you do want me to do.” I sat back and gazed out of the window as I chewed on my lip in a sulk.

“Don’t try and make me feel bad for trying to build something special here. If it was up to me, this time next year we’d be living in our house, married, and having a baby. If I leave it up to you, you’d be running around after him and letting Cassie have your baby. ”

“It’s not a her or us scenario, both could happen, you know?” I couldn’t help but raise my voice, and I could see it made him mad.

“I want you to tell Margaret you changed your mind about working on the case.” His eyes bore into my own as he spoke, waiting to judge my reaction.

“They already sorted my cover out, did all the paperwork - I can’t.”

“Of course you can. Plans change all the time.”

It felt like the two of us played a dangerous game of chicken as we both watched each other. Neither one of us wanted to fold.

“You know I don’t like it when you tell me what to do.”

“You know I don’t like it when you put me at the bottom of your priorities. Look, forget it. I’ll go stay with my folks tonight. You just do your little figuring out what you want act. Again.” He stood up, downed his whisky, and without a glance back at me, he left.

My heart pumped furiously with anger; I didn’t know what was up with him these past few weeks. He literally just wanted me to sit around the house, have babies and not see anyone else. I hadn’t done anything to make him that insecure… but in my heart I knew I had.

Bloody Anna. If she’d kept her mouth shut I could’ve explained it all on my own terms, but now he thought I’d hidden it. Which, to be honest, was sort of true.

I trudged to the train station, utterly deflated. My mood didn’t improve upon arriving home alone to find the table still full of wedding magazines, plus a list of house viewings that Zack had booked for the weekend.

I called Cassie for a whinge, and it turned out Guy was in the doghouse too. She announced she was coming over and bringing gin.

“He is such an arse!” Cassie exclaimed as she walked in, thrusting a bottle towards me. “He promised me he wouldn’t miss parents evening again.”

“To be fair, he was working, and she’s only in year one. You wouldn’t have been discussing exam results.” Cassie shot me a death glare, and I immediately closed my mouth.

“Sod him, anyway. Sod them all! I brought pyjamas, let him sort the school run out in the morning.”

I smiled to myself as I poured our drinks in the kitchen. Whenever Cassie and Guy fought, it was over within twenty-four hours; I knew this wasn’t serious. Wasn’t so sure about Zack, however.

I could see Cassie nodding off as I began to tell her the tale. She’d confessed to me weeks ago that she wasn’t sleeping well. A long day with the girls plus a drive over here had obviously been too much. This was her opportunity for a night of peaceful rest, without Guy or the kids. “Come on, Mrs,” I said as I pulled her up from the couch. “Off to bed, you’re exhausted.”

“But you were telling me about Zack…” she objected.

“And that can wait, you need rest.”

Ten minutes later, after hugs and goodnights, I wandered back downstairs and poured myself another gin. A phone began to ring, but it wasn’t mine. I listened for the noise, which, weirdly, seemed to be coming from inside the couch. As I slipped my hand between the cushions, I felt the smooth, cold surface of a phone and pulled it out, instantly recognising it as Cassie’s.

My heart skipped a beat as I saw the caller ID – Luke Adamson.

A battle raged within my mind, a full-on war that flashed by in an instant, but the fight was won as I swiped to answer and held the phone to my ear.

“Hey, you ok? Sorry I couldn’t make it over last night, work is insane,” Luke’s voice travelled down the phone to me in a perfect melody of sound.

I couldn’t form words. I was frozen, one hand still buried down between the couch cushions.

“Cassie, you there?” Luke sounded confused.

“Erm… Cassie’s asleep. She left her phone,” I whispered, petrified of what his voice was setting off within me.

“Lily…” It wasn’t a question; he knew it was me.

“Hi,” I laughed as I spoke, the sound full of nerves .

“Is Cassie at yours?” Luke questioned.

“Yeah, but she was worn out, I sent her to bed. Then I heard her phone ringing. I should go, I just… It seemed rude not to answer.”

“Please don’t go,” Luke’s voice pleaded.

“We’re not supposed to talk.”

“Just once, it’s good to hear your voice. Is Zack there? I don’t want to cause any trouble.”

“He isn’t here. It’s good to hear your voice, too.” I lay down on the couch; Cassie’s phone pressed against my ear. “How are things?”

I heard him take a deep breath in before he answered. “Not bad, how about you?”

“Yeah, all fine…” The silence felt awkward. I didn’t know what was safe to discuss anymore, but I also didn’t want him to go. “I’m happy you’re a partner now.”

“The timing all worked out well. Everyone still misses you, I mean everyone, Lily.”

I smiled, knowing full well what he meant. “I miss everyone too. I think about them a lot. Caddel my breath caught in a gasp as I sank into it. I had focused for a long time now on not letting myself do this, but maybe, maybe just for one night, a little think about Luke wouldn’t be a bad thing? A girl had to have something happy to dream about, right? My mind travelled to a much happier place - a teepee full of fairy lights and raw, naked, love.

Yet the next morning, guilt lay heavy throughout my body. I knew Zack was only trying to do what was right for us. I twisted my engagement ring around on my finger as I contemplated. Zack got into this sulky childlike mood so easily lately. I was trying to do my best for everyone, why couldn’t he see that? He didn’t even know that on top of work, friends, weddings and houses, I was arranging a huge surprise holiday for his birthday. There was even more pressure to make those birthday plans perfect after mine had been so special.

The phone call had been a mistake - but it reminded me of the ache in me that wouldn’t settle. I needed to fill that ache, and I would do so with Zack. Just how Luke had wanted but, wow… How I missed him.