Chapter Nineteen

I wake to the sun shining through the curtain-less windows, the warmth on my skin making me smile. I stretch and turn onto my back. The height of the ceiling reminds me I'm not home. It's too high up. Too… off-white. I look around the room, noting I'm alone. A spark of anxiety shoots up my spine, but I remind myself Lumen and Ves wouldn't leave me unguarded. They've never let harm come to me, so they can't be far. They've both killed for me already… Which is a crazy thing to think about. They have ended lives. For me. I guess that is the plus of being mated to non-humans. They don't hold the same morals we do.

I get out of bed to find a pair of pink fuzzy slip-on slippers on the floor beside the bed. I shove my feet into them, and smile when they fit perfectly. There is a matching robe on the back of the chair Vesperon sat on last night. I throw it on, the thick material instantly warming me. I cinch the tie, then head downstairs. Clanking comes from the kitchen, so that's where I go, and find Lumen pulling something from the oven. It's much warmer in here and it smells so good, but I can't place what it is.

"Morning," I say.

Lumen looks over his shoulder, then smiles at me. My stars, that smile… "Afternoon, actually."

And that smokey voice… swoon.

"Okay… afternoon then."

"Hungry?" he asks.

"I'm starving." Taking a seat at the kitchen table, the first thing I notice is how clean it is. I glance back to the living room and find the floors practically sparkling. The couches are no longer covered in sheets, and the furniture looks almost brand new. With the sun shining through the large windows, it brightens the entire place. Especially down here, with the open layout, because there aren't any walls to cause shadows. Which is bad for Ves…

"Did you clean?" I ask brightly.

He shakes his head, placing a plate of pancakes in front of me. "Vesperon did while we slept. As much as he could, anyway. He was able to get the leaves out. The dirt too. I helped him with the sheets this morning."

"Where is he?"

"Sleeping in the study upstairs."

I hate that he can"t sleep with me. That he can't even sleep in a bed. He's probably curled up on the floor and that image makes me sad. Who wants to sleep on a floor?

"Where did you get this?" I tug on the robe. "And this," I point to the food.

"Took a trip into town this morning before Vesperon went to sleep. Got you a few things. There are a few bags of clothing in the closet for you too."

"Why'd you put them in the closet?" I question carefully.

He smirks, leaning his bubbly butt against the table.

"I had a feeling if you saw them, you'd go through them and not come down to eat."

He's probably right. "I'm not materialistic."

"Didn't think you were. But food is more important."

He moves from the table, and I pick up the fork and cut into the fluffy pancakes and begin eating. Lumen places down a mug of coffee in front of me, along with a bottle of syrup, giving me a knowing smile.

"They're so good they don't even need syrup. Where did you learn to cook so well?"

"I spend a lot of time here, and I like food."

It's a simple but totally believable response.

I look up at him, taking in his handsome face. My chest tightens. "Thank you, Lumen. Seriously. For all of this."

He winks, then throws the dish towel over his broad shoulder and goes to the sink to wash a few dishes I see poking out.

"I can take a trip back to the house at some point but want to wait a bit."

That's smart. Who knows what is going on at that house? The shadows are desperate to kill me, so they could be awaiting my return. If Lumen shows up, they could take him. Torture him. Do whatever they need to get information about me. I don't want that for either of us.

"Do we have a plan?" I ask.

"Vesperon and I chatted for a bit but wanted to run everything by you before we decided anything."

"What are they?" I ask, taking another bite.

"Before we get into that, I wanted to let you know that Vesperon looked through that journal his friend gave him. It's written in a code that neither of us could figure out."

"A code?" I question.

"It was smart. He must have done it to keep it safe. We'll figure it out eventually, but it's going to take some time."

He pauses, then says, "We think it's best to focus on a way for you and him to mate."

"Sounds so clinical," I comment, shaking my head and shoving more pancakes into my mouth.

"I know. I'm sorry, it's just… He's kind of useless without taking on a solid form. He can't even sit in a car or sleep in a bed. That's got to suck, right?" He huffs out a laugh, but there's no humor in it. So, both Ves and Lumen think Ves is useless. Did they talk about this while I was sleeping? I sure hope not. Even in this form, Ves isn't useless. He can… well, he can do—I groan internally, knowing I am not going to come up with anything. They're right. He isn't good for much like this. Having Ves in solid form makes sense for so many reasons.

I have to sleep with Vesperon to make him whole.

I don't like that.

I want to sleep with him, mate with him, because he's my mate. Not because I have to. I want to do it because I want it. Because he wants it too. It's weird because I know we both want this, we've talked about it, but now that it's a requirement… It just feels like this mess is taking away from the sentiment of us being intimate for the first time.

"I'm sorry it has to be this way," Lumen says softly. I hadn't realized he moved back over to the table. The dish towel is still on his shoulder, and the sink is now free of dirty dishes. "If you don't want to do that, we can focus on finding the grey first. Neither of us will make you do something you're uncomfortable with."

"What about us?" I blurt.

He narrows his eyes. "What about us?"

"How do we figure out if we're actually mates?"

He gives me a sad smile. "I think the prophecy proves we are, darling."

"So will you pen in a time to sleep with me too?" I raise a brow.

Lumen frowns, holding my gaze for a long time. "Don't be snarky with me, Lexia. None of this is my fault."

My eyes widen at his frankness. I wasn't expecting him to call me out like that.

"You're right. I'm sorry. That was uncalled for." I pull my gaze away from him and go back to eating. "How do mates usually do this?" I ask casually as he takes a seat at the table. It's an average sized square table with only four chairs.

"I hear it just happens. Naturally. You know, they feel the mate bond, and it just… happens."

"But we don't feel it, so…"

"So it isn't happening naturally," he adds. "At least, not the finding out part. It doesn't mean the actual mating part can't be."

I nod and focus on eating. These pancakes are delicious. Probably the best I've ever had. They'd be even better if they were chocolate chip, but Lumen doesn't know I like chocolate chip pancakes because he barely knows me at all. Vesperon doesn't know that about me either, yet… I'm expected to mate with both of them. Be connected to them forever. Otherworldly beings don't care about the things humans care about, meaning they probably don't care that they don't know those things about me. They trust in the universe so much that it doesn't matter. That blows my mind.

After my experience with Bradyn, and being made to feel that sex with me wasn't good enough for him to stay faithful, I feel weird about it. I'm not blaming my reservations on Bradyn, but it doesn't help.

Before this mess, I wanted to have sex with Ves. I hated that I couldn't. Hell, I still want to. But knowing it has to be under all these rules and regulations, done in another realm, and all kinds of crazy shit… I don't like that I don't have the freedom to choose how I give myself to him. In a way that we could take our time and enjoy it. We aren't doing this for our relationship, and that feels… icky. And what about Lumen? What about this grey thing? What if he is all those things Lumen pointed out last night and I hate him? Do I still have to do it? Why do I have to do it at all?

I freeze, as a thought settles.

"What's wrong?" Lumen asks.

I swallow down the food that's stuck in my throat and take a sip of coffee to wash it down.

"How does all of this mate stuff work?"

"What do you mean?"

"Three guys? I'm only one girl. I—how the hell do I handle that?"

"You mean sexually?" he asks outright. My cheeks burn.

"Do you have to be so—"

"Honest?"

"Yes," I grit out, stabbing another pancake so hard the fork scrapes the plate beneath. Lumen grins at me. He thinks he's being cute. He is cute. He's damn lucky he's cute…

"Well, light-beings aren't known for sleeping around. We enjoy sex, but don't partake in it for fun before finding our mates. Not often, anyway, but it does happen. Shadows…" He tilts his head from side to side. "They're iffy. Guardians though… They have a lot of rules to follow, and I'm sure he's used to not having sex, so that won't be a problem."

"And greys?"

He smirks. "They are insatiable."

I groan, dropping my head into my hands.

"Lexia, why are you worrying about sex? Did you miss the part that we have to save the world?"

"No, I just…" I shake my head and drop my fork to the table.

"Just what?" Lumen asks softly.

I don't want to talk about it, is what.

"Nothing."

"Are you a virgin?" he asks.

"No!" I bark out.

He holds up his hands in surrender.

"Okay, I was just asking. Sheesh." It's quiet for a minute. "Look, we can do this however you want. I'm sorry that this whole thing relies on you sleeping with us, but really, it only has to be once with each of us for the bond to settle into place, then we can figure out what we do after that. Life isn't always fair."

"You're telling me," I groan.

He reaches across the table and takes my hand. "If it'll make you feel better, we'll pretend the first time doesn't count. Just close your eyes, act like you don't know what's going on."

It's supposed to be a joke, but it has me sick.

Lumen doesn't know about what happened to me when I was younger. He knows less about me than Ves does, which isn't saying much because Ves barely knows anything either. This is… so damn sad.

"Why can't you go into the shadow realm?" I ask, needing to change the subject. Now that Ted is on my mind all the delicious pancakes are threatening to come back up. Lumen gives me a curious look, and right away I realize he must sense the shift of emotions in me, so I try my best to think happy thoughts. Thankfully, he doesn"t comment on it and just answers the question.

"Well, I could, but it wouldn't be good. If I go into another realm, I can't take on this form. This is my human form for the human world. If I go to the shadow realm, I would be in my light form."

"What's wrong with that?"

"You recall those bright flashes of light when I pop up?"

"Yes."

"That's my natural form. Always."

My jaw drops open. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. So imagine that inside of a realm that has close to zero lighting."

"It's all dark there?"

"Not a single bit of natural light. The city areas have artificial lights for the witches who work there, but shadows live in the dark. They're part of it, so they don't need light for anything. It's why they can take solid forms in their own realm, because the light doesn't take away from them."

"Can a grey?"

He nods. "They can go anywhere."

"Would it make sense to wait to mate with Ves until we find him, then? This way he can… I don't know, keep watch?" That sounds so weird, and I can't believe I even suggested it.

Lumen shakes his head mindlessly. "I don't think so, but—" He stops abruptly, his eyes widening.

"What?" I ask.

He jumps to his feet, letting go of my hand and staring up at the second floor.

"What's wrong?" My heart lurches in my chest. Are the shadows here? Did they find us? "Lumen?"

"I have an idea," he mutters, moving around the table and hurrying toward the stairs.

"Where are you going?" I call after him.

He rushes up the steps, ignoring me. Whatever it is must be important. I shake my head then finish eating… because food.

Whatever it is, he'll tell me later.