29. Sage

CHAPTER 29

Sage

The only way those fae could have known what I'd dreamed last night was if they'd used magic. But then if they had, surely they'd have commented on the fact that I'd dreamed about having a strange man make me come with his mouth.

No, all they knew was what everyone in that courtyard had seen: those three men leading me up from the pond, me bumping into the Lord Commander, and him telling them to leave me alone.

So, if they knew that?—

If that had actually been real?—

I'd woken with a pink flower in my hand?—

It had to have been real.

There was no other logical explanation. I had no idea how I'd gotten there or how I'd been a fae when I really was a human but?—

Oh, Great Father!

I'd let that man touch me— told him to touch me and he'd?—

My breath picked up and heat seared over my cheeks and forehead and down my neck. The reason I'd been able to dream about how it felt to come with a man's mouth on me was because I hadn't dreamed it at all.

I'd let a complete stranger give me the most amazing sensations I'd ever felt, and I didn't even know his name and hadn't even seen his face. Which meant I had no idea who to avoid if I ended up in that garden again… or if he was here at the Black Tower.

Shadows, would he recognize me? I'd had long hair and pointed ears and fae-colored eyes and those marks, but I'd still mostly looked like me.

If he was in the Tower and did recognize me, I could only pray he'd think I resembled the woman he'd met last night and wasn't actually that woman, since I was supposed to be a human boy. Oh, please.

I sat there, my thoughts whirling, unable to focus on anything. I heard the men lead their horses out of the stables then Owun return with the wheelbarrow.

I'd let that man?—

And it had been wonderful.

Was that what sex with all fae men was like?

He hadn't even used his cock and it had been so much better than my time with Royston. In fact, he hadn't even come himself. Was he angry about that? I wasn't sure what had happened after I'd come. Had I blacked out and he'd gotten satisfaction or had I… I had no idea. I didn't understand how I'd gone to sleep in the Black Tower with short hair and woken in that garden with long hair and pointy ears.

Except I did. The Lord Commander had said I looked stunned from manifesting. So, I had to have been manifesting. But I had no idea what that was or how I'd done it.

"You can scrub faster than that," Owun said behind me, making me jump. My elbow hit the bucket, knocking it over and spilling water across the stone floor. "And now you've got to wipe that up or it'll never dry in time. There are rags with the buckets and brooms," he sneered, and he strode away.

I grabbed a handful of rags and returned to the stall, my thoughts still spinning around and around and around. It didn't make sense. Maybe it was because of the fae magic binding me to the Tower. Maybe all of the men here woke in that garden looking like fae.

If that was the case, I wished Grefin had given me a warning before I'd gone to bed last night.

Of course, he'd gotten a good laugh out of showing me the pump and basin. I bet he got another good laugh over seeing the novices stunned from manifesting in that garden.

Except if he had, wouldn't he have made fun of me this morning? Even if he hadn't seen me or realized I was the new arrival he would have assumed I'd have gone to sleep, woken in the garden, and been confused.

I cleaned up the mess I made, added more soapy water to my bucket, and moved on to the next stall. I scrubbed, unable to stop my mind from spinning while flashes of embarrassment swept through me in waves. Hot and red, fine and frustrated, then hot and red again… and also a little achy with need then sad with regret.

I now knew that sex was more than what I'd first thought, and the odds weren't good that I was ever going to have it again.

Which was probably the cruelest part of what had happened last night. I couldn't very well seek out that fantasy man and have sex with him again, could I? I didn't know his name, didn't know what he looked like, and with my luck, I'd never manifest again.

And really, I needed to focus on being a man, not a woman in lust. I could never forget my reason for being here.

True to his word, Payne, along with Kit and Lewin, led their horses into the stables and a few moments later the Tower's bell rang four times. The stablemaster dismissed me and I headed back to my room to clean up, but Kit and the others fell into step beside me.

"You're eating the midday meal with us," Kit said, his tone making it clear that it wasn't a request.

Lewin scrunched his nose in disgust. "But clean up first."

"Don't forget to wear whatever weapons you have. Guardsmen are always armed, and the quartermaster will want to see what you've got before he assigns you anything," Payne added.

I headed to my room and they presumably to theirs and cleaned up as best I could. My chest throbbed, but I retied the strips flattening my breasts to ensure they wouldn't slip with whatever I was going to have to do after the midday meal — and I could only pray the quartermaster wouldn't ask me to strip so he could measure me for my new clothes. As a woman, I'd needed to strip for the most expensive dresses that I'd left behind in Herstind, but not for my other dresses, and as far as I knew, Sawyer had only ever had to take off his jerkin to be measured for new outfits.

The midday meal was like the morning meal. Men lined up at the one door to the kitchen, took what they wanted from what was offered, then exited through the other door. There was a hearty stew with potatoes and turnips and meat, bacon probably left over from the morning meal, bread, cheese, vegetables, and more fruit.

I took a modest helping of stew, some bread, and another orange. The one this morning had been so good, sweet and tart and juicy, and if they were going to have oranges available at every meal, I was going to take one at every meal, at least until they learned I was a girl. Then I was pretty sure there'd be no more oranges.

Kit waved me down when I exited the kitchen and I took the empty seat beside Lewin, my insides churning. I didn't like that they were paying attention to me, but I knew if I rejected their offer to eat with them that would only draw more attention.

As it was, even more of the men around me gave me dirty or dismissive looks, and I knew the tale of me coming through the ring after dark had now made its way through the entire guard. Everyone knew I was that novice and from their expressions they were now falling into two camps: that I was a dangerous troublemaker or that I was a dangerous idiot.

"Another orange, hunh?" Kit said, digging into his stew.

"I thought noblemen got oranges whenever they wanted," Lewin added, reaching for the orange, but I snatched it away before he could take it, making Payne snort a harsh laugh.

"Not all nobles are as privileged as those in the capital," I said, holding the orange possessively close to my chest.

"And the runt here had to have been the bottom of his pile of nobles," Grefin said, sliding into the seat beside Kit. "He kept ‘my lording' me and couldn't look past his feet last night. If they had oranges, I doubt they'd have given him any." He huffed at me. "Probably didn't feed you enough, either. That's why you're so small."

"Then we should fix that," Payne said, ripping his chunk of bread in half and setting a piece on my tray.

"Bad idea," Lewin said, snatching the bread and taking a bite. "He's got assessment this afternoon. We don't want him puking on the course or worse on Rider when he's sparring with him."

"You're right. I should save that for when I'm around to watch him puke on Rider," Payne said with a laugh.

"And then Rider will stick us on the wall nightshift and we'll be too tired to do anything else," Kit shot back.

Payne turned a heated gaze to Kit. "Then I guess we'll just have to get in as much… anything else as possible this rotation before Rider changes our shift."

"You're already getting in a lot of anything else already," Lewin groaned with a smile.

Payne flashed him a wicked grin. "You can never get enough."

"I'm going to need to spend time in the library tonight, aren't I?" Lewin said. "Oh, the newly mated. Can't keep their hands off of each other."

"Don't worry," Kit said. "We'll take it to the Garden, tonight."

My pulse picked up and I fought not to stare at him. He'd brought up the Garden. Now was my chance to ask about it and maybe I'd be able to figure out why I'd manifested there last night… and how I'd manifested at all for that matter.