Chapter Eight | Jamal

I finished my clubhouse sandwich and tidied the crumbs off my desk. Noah had brought the food from his pub when he'd arrived earlier than usual. After dropping the sandwich off in my office, he'd gone to the gymnasium to wash the floor before kids started showing up after school.

His face was covered in a sheen of sweat when he came back into my office and took a seat in front of my desk. "Been meaning to do that for days."

"I appreciate you keeping it clean in there."

Noah leaned one elbow on the arm of the chair, his closed fist supporting his chin as he studied me. He had a glean of amusement in his eyes. "Amazing how much dirt they track in."

He was making me feel nervous. "Yup."

Crossing his arms, he smiled at me. "I want to hear your side of the story."

I swallowed. "What story?"

Noah chuckled. "Liam told me what happened … or almost happened."

I rolled my eyes and sighed. "We had a moment. I thought he was going to kiss me."

"The report I got mentioned lots of tentative panting."

"Plenty of that." I touched my cheek where Liam had stroked my skin. "He was so gentle and unsure. It was breathtaking." I looked at Noah. "It was also terrifying."

"You're worried he's not serious? "

"You know him better than me. Would he do that to me? Treat me like an experiment."

"What do you think?"

My face flushed. I was embarrassed for even considering it. Liam was one of the most honest and genuine men I'd ever known. "I don't think that sweet man would hurt me like that."

"The fact you understand that about him means he's letting you in. That's something special. He doesn't do that with many people. He must trust you." Noah leaned on my desk. "And to set your mind further at ease, let me tell you something about Liam. If you were an experiment or a number, he would've tried to fuck you the first time you hung out. Liam doesn't play games."

My chest tightened. Crossing the line away from being simply friends meant we had embarked on a pathway toward intimacy. Liam had hesitated last night, giving us a moment to adjust.

We'd know when the time was right.

"Let's go and check on Ethan," I said and rolled away from my desk. We'd set him up in one of the empty rooms. A long list of youth had signed up for pottery classes with him.

I clutched Noah's arm as we stopped in the doorway of the room. Kyle was seated on a stool at the wheel, his hands on the clay as the wheel spun. Right behind him sat Ethan. His chest was against Kyle's back, his hands covering Kyle's to guide him in forming a bowl.

Kyle rarely let anyone touch him. Ethan had managed to win his trust in the short time since I'd led Kyle from the library to the pottery room for his lesson. There was a guarded look of concentration on Kyle's face as Ethan spoke softly in his ear, encouraging him.

"Your friends are amazing," I said to Noah.

"Yeah, I think I'll keep them in my life." He put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry I tried to put you off when it came to Liam. Not to give too much away … but he's different with you."

I needed to hear that. Spending time with Liam felt different for me too.

Ethan looked up at us and smiled. His expression was one of love for Noah. Liam came with a family not unlike mine. Noah had told me there had been concerns with Ethan and Daniel at first but in the end, they had supported Ethan fully. Now, Daniel had been folded into their unique family along with Brody. It might be a fantasy, but maybe someday I'd be welcomed too.

I rolled back to my office. Behind my desk, I gripped tightly to the rubber and cold metal of my wheels, then massaged my thighs. It soothed me that I could feel something .

Something. But I'd never be a completely responsive lover for Liam.

I closed my eyes.

Liam had caressed my hipbones with his thumbs with enough pressure that there had been a slight sensation. In time, he'd find the areas of my body where I had feeling.

A soft moan escaped my lips as my cock stirred.

I knew deep down he'd take his time with me.

Tonight was the Queerabilities meeting I'd been looking forward to all week. I had a topic I wanted to broach. A concern that had been on my mind ever since Liam and I shifted our relationship into something beyond friendship. When I closed my eyes, I could feel his hands on me. So tentative and affectionate. I'd never had anyone touch me like that—with such reverence.

I rolled my chair to be next to Warren.

"Haven't heard from you in a bit," he said.

Warren was never one to call me because of my unpredictable schedule at the centre. He had voice-to-texted me a couple of times. Our conversations had been brief. I had a lot on my mind.

I hadn't shared any of it with him.

He was going to find out tonight during the meeting. Might as well tell him now.

"I've had Liam on my mind," I replied. "Our relationship has changed."

"You caved?"

"It became impossible to deny what I was feeling. I took a chance that he was there too. I had him lift me onto my bed. The pull between us as he held me was stunning. The emotional tension was incredible … final breath and heart-stealing vibes. I've never felt anything like it."

"Not even your ex … Richard?"

I'd been agonizing over that. I had loved Richard, but during our years together, I'd been unaware a craving for someone could be so much more intense.

"It's different." I couldn't quantify the unprecedented emotion more than that.

"Okay, everyone." The coordinator, Grant, caught our attention. "Let's begin."

A woman in a motorized wheelchair who often came with her caregiver raised her hand.

"Yes, Lorraine," Grant said.

"Has anyone tried to go to the Lace and Lady Fingers tea shop?"

"The new place on Menzies?" someone replied.

"Yes. They're completely inaccessible for me," Lorraine said. "I spoke to the owner."

"How did that go?" Grant asked.

"He's going to have someone smooth out the lip at the doorway."

"That's a good result," I said even though I didn't have a problem navigating lips and ledges like Lorraine did with her much heavier chair. My arms were strong enough, and my wheelchair light enough that I could manage some inconveniences. I worked out every day to keep as independently mobile as possible, but I knew there'd come a day when I'd struggle because of age.

It was a concern that I'd been thinking of addressing.

"Anyone else?" Grant asked.

I raised my hand. "I have some intimacy concerns. I've met someone and I think we're headed that way. The last time I was intimate was with my partner of many years soon after my accident. It didn't go well but that was because we had memories of what it used to be like."

"Is this person disabled?" Grant asked.

"No. Far from it."

"You're afraid you'll turn him off?" Warren asked.

"That is definitely a concern."

"Has he shown that the paralysis is an issue?" Lorraine asked.

"I don't feel like he's treated me differently than he would anyone able-bodied."

"Do you trust him?" Warren asked.

"I'm headed that way. I just don't know what to expect."

I looked around the gathered crowd. Maybe this was too personal. But I'd known most of these people for years. Intimacy was not a new concern among us.

"I'm a top," I said. "I think he might be too."

"That's a whole other issue," Lorraine replied. "You're going to need to work that out in bed. Or maybe have a conversation beforehand … about all of it. What you can do and what you can't."

Lorraine was right but when was I going to drop that bundle of information? Get ahead of it or wait until we were about to have sex. Either way, the topic was going to be difficult to tackle .

"Thanks, everyone," I said as I looked down at my hands folded in my lap.

The meeting passed with the usual and a particularly lively conversation about rude people on the bus who wouldn't give up their seats or move sufficiently to accommodate wheelchairs and scooters. I was lucky I could drive a car. Public transport sounded like a nightmare.

We were breaking up when Grant approached me.

"I have some pamphlets about intimacy," he said and grabbed a folded piece of pink paper from the table covered in pamphlets. He handed it to me. "Maybe this will help."

I exhaled, frustrated. I knew the pamphlet wouldn't include anything to do with gay sex. I couldn't even find anything on the internet. Richard and I had figured out the mechanics of what worked to give me the ability to penetrate him. It had been an awkward experience.

I thanked Grant, rolled out of the building, and got myself into my car. Liam was going to need to be extremely patient with me. We needed to have a conversation before anything happened between us. He could decide at that point if he wanted to move forward with me.

Sex was a big deal in his world.

Would I be enough for him?

I picked up and set down my phone on my bed multiple times before I worked up the nerve to phone Liam. I wasn't prepared to have the sex talk but there were other things on my mind.

He answered after three rings.

"Jamal … hey. I was just thinking about you." Shivers ran up my spine. His voice sounded smooth and sultry. Whatever thoughts he'd been having … he'd been enjoying them.

"Me too … that's why I called." Obviously. God, I sounded like an idiot. "I thought we should talk about what happened in my bedroom Monday night. "

Liam emitted what sounded like a purr. "Yeah, it's been on my mind."

How did I dive into this? I adjusted the pillow behind my back and leaned against it. "Was it all right what I did? Asking you to lift me. Did I push when I shouldn't have?"

"No, it was perfect. Unexpected … but perfect. Full disclosure, though. I'd made a promise to myself to stay in the friend zone with you. I wasn't planning on breaking that."

"Same."

"What happened?" he asked.

" We happened."

Liam chuckled. "That's one way of putting it."

He sounded pleased with the way things had unfolded. How far did we want to take this connection we'd made? There were things we needed to sort out. "I have concerns."

"I'm not surprised."

I frowned. Was that Liam being self-deprecating? I hoped not.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean I have no idea what a romantic relationship is supposed to look like. My upbringing didn't give me many examples. The only point of reference I have is with Noah and Ethan. And to be honest, Ethan and Daniel's situation … I don't quite understand their relationship."

"But that's what you're looking for … a romantic relationship?"

Liam was silent for a few seconds, then his voice was quiet. "Isn't that what you want?"

God, the uncertainty in his voice just about broke my heart.

This was going to be hard, but it was the truth. "Yes, but I'm worried I won't be enough. That a potential partner will become frustrated with my inability to do everyday things. "

"The guy would have to be an asshole to back away from you because of that."

An easy answer until you found yourself in that place.

"My life is challenging."

"Everyone's life is challenging in some way. Yours is just more visible."

"Okay. About that. Won't people wonder why you're with me?" Might as well recognize we were talking about us in particular. "People might think you've taken me on as a charity case."

"Jeezus, Jamal, I'd punch anyone who said that about you." Liam sighed. "Other people don't matter. When we spend time together, I come away feeling better about my life. Hopeful even. You've opened something inside me. I want to be my best with you."

Such beautiful words. My heart pattered in my chest.

"I've felt that too."

"You're not worried about my past?"

"What do you mean? The hookups?"

"All of it. Men pick me up because of my body. They don't give my mind a second look. I'm convinced people think I'm not capable of deeper emotions."

"I don't believe that. Neither do your friends. We all know you're more than your body."

"There have been times when I wanted more from a guy."

"And you never chased up that feeling?"

"I was too scared of being rejected. It was easier to continue playing the part of a toy."

Beautiful, sweet man.

"I'll never treat you like a toy, Liam."

He took a few moments. "I know you wouldn't."

We had just put a lot of baggage on the table. It seemed we were both worried we wouldn't be good enough for one another. A fucked-up thing to have in common .

It was a lot to take in.

It was time to change the subject.

"Ethan is doing fabulous at the centre. He succeeded in getting Kyle, our boy on the spectrum, to partake in making pottery. It was beautiful to watch them together."

"Brody will be excited to hear that. He has a special place in his heart for that young man."

"I'm sure Noah told him, but I'll give Brody a call."

"He'll enjoy hearing it straight from you."

On to other matters. "Your police record check came back. An interesting charge but no convictions. Ethan explained to me what happened the night you were arrested."

"Will I be allowed to volunteer at the centre?"

"Yeah. We've all had too much to drink."

"When should I come in?"

"I wouldn't say no to seeing you tomorrow."

"For the kids." I could sense him smiling through the phone.

I laughed softly. "Yeah, let's go with that."

"I'll be there."

I smiled. "I'll be waiting for you." The flirting felt good.

Taking a chance with this man felt even better.