CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE Cole

"What are you doing here, Alan?" I asked, quickly glancing from Alan to Chad. I instinctively moved Chad to my side, placing my hand on his lower back. "I didn't see a car in the driveway. How'd you get here?" I asked. "Better yet, how'd you find me?"

Walking into my home after three days of business in New York, I hadn't expected to find who I found standing there. Unexpectedly, every single painful memory I thought I'd recovered from came rushing back like the event was yesterday. Marla had been correct about Alan. He was bolder than I had given him credit for.

"Closed real estate deals are public information," Alan said. "And please don't blame Marla. In her defense, she wouldn't give me your address."

"I think you need to leave now," I spoke, pulling Chad closer.

"I've asked Alan to stay with us," Chad interrupted, soothing me by running his hand up and down my arm. "He declined other offers to come here to speak with you, and I don't want him to be alone over Christmas."

"That's not entirely true," Alan said, looking curiously at Chad. "Chad is just being nice about the fact that I showed up unannounced and he has too kind a heart to kick me to the curb."

"The way you kicked me to the curb?" I asked. "You can leave, Alan. And do not come back to my house again."

"That's fair," he responded. "I'm sorry I came, Cole. I'll leave right away."

Chad walked across the room and reached for Alan's hand, nearly causing me to punch something. I immediately hated seeing my boy holding hands with the man who nearly destroyed me. What kind of spell had Alan cast on the man that had facilitated my recovery, my coming back to life? I had the physical urge to puke.

"You are going nowhere, Alan," Chad stated, glancing at me for my reaction. "We, well, I want you here, so if you will please excuse Cole and me, we will be right back."

Chad headed straight for the hallway and once there, turned and waited for me to join him. "We are not done here, Alan," I hissed.

Chad was already sitting on our bed when I made it upstairs. He sat with his hands folded neatly in his lap and a calm demeanor on his face. His reaction to Alan being here was outrageous as far as I was concerned. How dare he not side with me and demand that our uninvited guest get the fuck out of our home? His level of betrayal both angered me, as well as broke my heart into a million pieces.

"He is leaving, Chad," I insisted. "I am not going to allow that man in my home after what he did to me."

"Okay," he replied. "If that is how you feel."

"Good!" I exclaimed. "I'll go down and tell him."

I immediately turned and headed out of the room before Chad raised his voice slightly to catch my attention. I paused and wondered what on earth he was doing.

"Be sure to explain to him how you don't care that he will be all alone on Christmas," he said as I turned and slowly made my way back into the bedroom. "And also, please make sure that he knows he hurt you so badly that you cannot open your heart to a man who came here looking for something. Something from you, I might add."

I was too stunned to react initially. I leaned my forehead against the wall, my back to Chad. My blood pressure had to be redlining based on the pulse beating in my temples. Chad hadn't been there for those three years that I'd wanted to die. I'd been all alone too, for God's sake. What about me?

I turned to face Chad, no longer able to hold the rage that had now turned into an emotional avalanche as tears sprang from my eyes. "What about me during the Christmases he was gone? I was alone. Where was he?" I asked, my voice breaking. "He… he… didn't give a shit that I was alone then."

"I'm sorry, my love," Chad said, standing and coming toward me. He wiped my eyes with his hands. "I completely understand that you have a right to hurt, Cole. You suffered horribly because of Alan's actions," he agreed.

"Then why?" I sobbed, barely able to speak. "Why would you do this to me?"

He tugged on my hand and moved me toward the bed, patting the place he wanted me to sit. I sat on the edge and he knelt in front of me, holding my hands lovingly.

"Do you recall how you felt being alone?" he asked. "The wondering about what Alan was doing? The abandonment you must have experienced?"

"Of course, I do," I agreed. "The feeling was… it was… horrible," I whispered.

"I'm certain it was. Do you think that experience would've been a little bit better if someone would've come around and wanted to help you, understand you, be there for you?" he asked.

I lifted my face and found Chad weeping as well. He sensed my pain deeply. Of course, he did. That's what Chad does. I gazed at him and absolutely knew that he was on my side. The compassion and understanding that emanated from him was palpable.

"But… I just don't know, Chad," I began. "That's a huge ask."

"For me?" he whispered. "But more importantly, for you, my love."

"I don't understand," I confessed. "Alan doesn't deserve your caring. Why would you ask me to even consider spending a minute with him, let alone our first Christmas with him?"

Chad lifted my chin with his finger. "Because he needs us. He is here today, Cole," he said. "Let's be clear here, too. I am not asking you to forget. What I'm asking you to do is to forgive."

"Oh, that's all?" I half-joked. "Just forgive and move on like none if it happened? Yeah, that sounds easy."

Chad smiled, knowing I was a stubborn man, but he would not mock me, I knew that with all my being. "Please allow me to do this despite the struggle you'll need to endure. I know it's a big ask, but I believe in my soul that we need to have him here with us. Don't ask me how I know, but I know."

"I don't know if I can do this," I admitted, pinching the bridge of my nose. "Is this what life with you will be like from now on?" I asked.

"I hope it is," he answered. "I hope we always have space in our hearts for love." Chad wrapped his arms around me and nuzzled my neck. "I was fortunate enough to have found you, Mr. Hicks, and hopefully you finding me is as important to you. We have a responsibility to protect what we share, and that includes sharing our ability to forgive and to love unconditionally. Even when it hurts."

"That's who you are, isn't it, baby boy?" I asked. I pulled back from his embrace and locked eyes with him. "This quality you possess, and your capacity to love, and how you strive to embrace everyone equally, is exactly why I am in love with you the way I am."

"I will never let anyone hurt you again if I can help it," Chad said. "I just want us to always have the ability to forgive and love even those who we perceive as our enemies. I believe deep inside that you and I can be those people, Cole. I know I want to be."

I looked past Chad and toward the table against the wall at the foot of the bed. A smiling Jack stared back at me from the framed photograph Chad had held the day I met him. The vision of Chad with Jack's picture in his hand was cemented in my mind. I'd found him odd that day. Today, I found him with an unparalleled soul.

"Can you help me break the ice with him?" I asked, nodding my head toward the bedroom door. "Where do I even start?"

"You'll start by listening to Alan with an open heart and be vulnerable to forgiveness. I've always believed that forgiveness is the real power. Sure, Alan wronged you, but you have been given the rare opportunity to find a resolution. Remember, he came here. Give him a chance."

I was unprepared for what I had walked into when I arrived home, but I should've known that if the situation ever arrived, the man I chose to love would be right by my side. Just the idea that I would consider heeding Chad's love-filled advice showed the wonderful influence he had over me. A kind of otherworldly influence I believed he held over all who encountered him.

Chad stood and pulled me to my feet, pressing his hand against my heart. I swore I could feel his energy pass directly to me. "Can you come with me?" I asked, my heart dropping to my stomach at the prospect of talking with Alan again after all I had gone through.

"Now and always," he stated. "You're going to have a very hard time keeping me from your side, Mr. Hicks."

I bit my lower lip and appealed to him one more time. "You're really going to make me do this?"

"Only because I know you can," he said.

He was magical. Unlike anyone I had ever met. If I could spend several lives with this man, that would never be enough.

Chad walked out of the bedroom while I took another glance at my best friend in the picture. The same friend that I'd made a promise to after finally reading the message he'd left on the back of that picture after Bodie had shattered it. A message I'd never seen before Bodie's carnage. Another odd occurrence, perhaps? I wasn't so sure anymore.

Jack had written another one of his beautiful messages there. One of many messages and letters that over the years still held a place in my heart.

C,

Look at us in this image. Time was frozen, and we were caught in an everlasting moment of joy. You and me. So young. So handsome. Forever together. Through thick and thin.

Let's make a promise to one another to be forever young and forever looking for the humor in life even when we aren't young any longer. Let's always look forward, never backward, as we endeavor to truly live our best lives each and every day.

Nothing stops us. No matter what. We will always be reaching for the stars.

J.

Never had that sentiment been truer. Chad peeked into the bedroom as I delayed. "You okay, love?" he whispered.

I smiled at the picture as I reached for Chad's hand. "Never better."

Thank you, Jack.