Chapter 30

CHAPTER THIRTY

MARGO

I help Mama set the table, making sure to add an extra placemat. Mama brings out her dishes. She made the salmon, potatoes, and salad, but she also made another dish. It's covered, but I know it's meant for Daniel.

One by one we filter into the room and take a seat. Our table is round so there's no head or foot, but Papa always sits underneath the window. Annie and I always sit across from each other. I squeeze Daniel in between me and Papa.

"It smells wonderful," Papa says.

After Daniel sits down, Mama reaches over and takes the cover off her secret dish. It's stuffed mushrooms, and the garlic wafting from them makes my stomach growl. They're so hot that the cheese is still bubbling.

"I hope you like mushrooms. I filled them with cheese and spinach. There are also some breadcrumbs on top to give it a little texture, but if you don't like mushrooms, you don't have to—"

"I like mushrooms," Daniel says, smiling. It's a cute smile, one where I can tell he's trying not to let it show, but he can't hide it. That's the way he is. I think he's scared to show others when he's happy. Like he's afraid if someone notices, they'll take his happiness away from him.

"Oh good," Mama says. "Well, don't just sit there. Dish up."

Daniel takes his fork and transfers one of the stuffed mushrooms to his plate.

Mama reaches over and adds another. "Don't be shy." She adds mashed potatoes and salad to his plate.

"Mama, he can get his own food," I whisper.

He shakes his head, his smile growing a little wider. "It's okay. I don't mind."

"Tell us about yourself," Papa says. "What do your parents do?"

Daniel's back stiffens. He stares at Papa like he's been caught red-handed, but having a complicated family isn't a crime. His foot starts to tap, and he grabs his leg like he's trying to stop it from shaking.

I speak up so he doesn't have to. "Daniel lives with his cousins. Laura is a spin instructor and Rob is a manager for a construction company."

Daniel's leg calms.

"Oh, nice," Papa says. "Maybe we could invite them over for dinner sometime."

"I bet they would love that," I say.

We spend the next ten minutes or so eating. Mama asks more questions about Daniel, but she's not the type to wait for answers. She answers her own questions with her best guess and moves on. Daniel stays pretty quiet. He tries to smile every time I steal a glance at him, but I know there's something weighing on his mind. I wish he'd tell me what he's thinking instead of holding it all inside .

"Excuse me," he says, pushing his chair back and standing. "I need to use the bathroom." He leaves the dining room, but we didn't give him a tour when he got here.

"Is he leaving?" Mama asks. "He's walking to the entryway."

I jump up. "I don't think he knows where the bathroom is." I race out of the dining room and catch up to him.

He stands in the entryway next to my backpack, back arched as he bends over my notebook in his hands. My heart beats faster, seeing the page he's looking at.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

He looks up and swallows. Tears prick at his eyes. "I told you to add yourself to the list, but instead you added me."

I take the book from his hands, close it, and tuck it under my arm. "You weren't supposed to see that. Why are you going through my things?"

He stares at his feet. "I wanted to help you with your list, but I don't know if I can do what you want me to."

Daniel: help him figure out where he belongs.

"Why not?" I don't think it's too much to ask. I want him to be okay when I leave. I want him to reconnect with his father. His cousins also care about him, but he can't see that. I want him to try harder with them. I've seen the way he acts with Olive. He cares about her. He protects her.

His jaw clenches, and he slips his feet into his shoes.

"Where are you going?"

"I need some air."

"We're talking," I say.

It's like he doesn't hear me. He opens the door and leaves. This isn't okay. He can't close down over something like this. I need him to tell me what's going through his head.

I run outside after him without my shoes. "Don't walk away from me, Daniel!"

His dark silhouette melts into the night, but as soon as I spot him, I charge after him. He walks faster, heading down the sidewalk. I ignore the small rocks on the pavement that scrape the soles of my feet. As soon as he's in arm's reach, I grasp his arm.

He stops, but he refuses to turn.

"Tell me what's wrong," I say. "Why are you so upset? I don't understand." I step in front of him, but as soon as I do, he turns his head farther.

"I," he says, but pauses. "I don't want you to see me cry." He blinks as he bites his lip.

I hook my finger underneath his chin and turn him to face me. "You don't have to hide from me."

His tear-filled eyes meet mine, and I can see every ounce of pain he's holding in. "I already know where I belong. I belong with you, Margo."

The crack in his voice stabs me to my core. I hate that I'm the reason he's crying. These are one of those moments where I can't say it'll be okay. It won't. I can't ignore his shaky breath or his tears.

"I want to be happy, for you, but I don't know how," he whispers.

He's missing the point. "I don't want you to be happy for me. I want you to feel that way for yourself."

"I don't care about myself," he says.

I know. That's the problem. I want him to see that not everyone in the world is going to hurt him. It's okay for him to live his life. I want him to figure out where he belongs in this strange, unstable world because I know once he does, he's going to do amazing things.

"I don't need you to help me cross off the other names on my list," I say. "Just promise me you'll help me with yours. Try saying yes. Next time Olive or Laura or Rob invite you to do something, say yes. Next time you see something you want to try, say yes. If we find your dad and he wants to get to know you, say yes. Can you do that?"

He steps back, wiping his eyes and looking away again. "I don't know."

I lean, following his gaze. "Could you try?"

He half laughs, half cries at my wide-eyed expression. "I can try."

I smile. "Thank you."

His breathing slows, but then his gaze shifts to my feet. "Where's your shoes?"

I cringe, trying to hide one foot behind the other. "I didn't put them on."

"You can't do that," he says, bending down to get a better look.

"It's fine. I used to do it all the time growing up."

"That was before you were sick," he says, lifting one of my feet. "I don't want you to cut your feet on something walking back."

"Then what am I supposed to do?" I ask, crossing my arms. Does he want me to wait while he runs back to grab my shoes?

"I'll carry you," he says.

"What?" Nerves ripple through me.

He turns, and back facing me, crouches down.

I don't move. I can't. This has never happened to me before. I have no idea what to do .

"How long do you plan on making me wait?"

My cheeks turn pink. Again, this is the type of thing Annie would be ecstatic about. If I tell her that I rejected Daniel's offer to carry me home, she'll be livid. So despite the fact I feel awkward, I step forward until I'm against his back. His touch makes my stomach flutter like a thousand butterflies at war. I hold on to him from behind as he loops his arms under my legs to keep me from falling as he stands.

I make a sound that can only be described as the most unromantic squeal known to man.

He laughs. "Are you okay?"

I hold him tighter, afraid that if I don't, I'll fall. "Yes."

His breath catches. I expect him to make the short walk back to my house but he speeds up, passing it.

"Where are you going?" I say.

"Kidnapping you."

I smile, still in disbelief that he's this close. "Why?"

He heads toward the end of the street. "Because I'm not ready to take you home."

"Then where are we going? You can't carry me forever."

"If I could, would you let me?" he asks. I wish I could see his face because I have a feeling he's wearing a coy smile.

In the distance is our neighborhood's park. "Why don't you take me there?" I ask, pointing.

Daniel walks to the little playground. It's not much. There's a swing set, a seesaw, and a merry-go-round. It's lit up by one streetlamp, making it stand out in the dark. When we were young, Annie and I spent a lot of time here, but I haven't been here in years.

"I want to swing," I say.

Daniel backs up to the swing, lowering himself. I let go of him and grasp the silver chains of the swing. I sit but keep my feet up high enough that they don't touch the gravel below them.

I start to kick my legs, trying to get leverage, but I don't get very high. Daniel walks behind me and gently starts pushing me. Every time my back crashes into his hands, my pulse skyrockets. I like knowing he's right behind me.

The stars shine down on us, and I connect them in my mind, mapping out all the constellations I can remember. They're beautiful. Their light is so strong that even after they die, they shine for billions of years. I want to be like a star. I want to shine that long.

"Margo?" Daniel says, pushing me again.

"Hmm?"

He catches the chains instead of pushing me again and the swing stalls. "Annie says I'm supposed to spoil you."

I smirk. She wants me to have a movie-like romance, so I should've seen that coming. "How are you going to do that?"

"If I asked you on a date, would you go?"

I twist to look over my shoulder so I can make eye contact. "What would you do if I said no?"

He rubs the back of his neck. "Ask again."

"Yes, I'd go." I stand up on the seat and hold on tightly to the chains. I'm higher than he is now.

"What are you doing?" He raises an eyebrow and puts his hands on my waist to steady me.

I ignore his question. "So ask me. Not hypothetically this time."

"Huh?"

"Ask me on a date."

There's that goofy grin I love. He tilts his head up to look at me. "Margo Blakely, will you go on a date with me?"

"I'd love to go on a date with you, Daniel Hansen. "

"If you could pick anything to do tomorrow, what would it be?" he asks.

"I don't know," I say. "I told you my mind went blank when I put my own name down on my list."

"I find that hard to believe. Isn't there something you've been wanting to do but haven't been able to?"

I rack my brain, trying to think of something. Then, a light bulb goes off. I have an idea so clear as day, I'm shocked I haven't thought of it sooner. I can't help but smile.

"You thought of something," he says.

I nod.

"Well, what is it?" he asks.

"I've never been on a roller coaster, and they have one at the fair."

"Then let's go," he says.

We stay at the park for a few more minutes before we head back to my house. When we get there, Daniel has to leave, and he says the word I hate the most.

"Goodbye."

I shake my head. The word is too final. It's sad. "It's not goodbye. I'll see you later."

He nods. "I'll see you later."

I wave and watch him walk away.