22. Chapter 21

"Let"s make a deal." Madam Christoph eyes me warily as she ascends her throne, upon which she sits as we entertain her. This is new. I thought there were no deals with this woman. Others have pleaded with her before for an end to the madness. Soon, she leans back, crosses her legs, and lets that wicked smile devour her face.

I find myself staring back at Spartus, back at my prison, bored. Just as I was during Sophie"s lecture, just as I was when Ava and I spared just before we got to the course. If I am not going to be around much longer, it"s no use to be anything but.

I can"t go with Kirian, I thought about it all last night, I didn"t get a wink of sleep. If I go with him, it"s only going to postpone my fate and put his career or maybe even life in danger. There is no escape. These words are on repeat in my head, along with yesterday"s events. The meeting, Augustine"s words, Kirian"s promise.

"Not that it would have made a lick of difference, but yesterday Katsia was not able to participate in our little game." Madam Christoph coos. Her little jab knocks the thoughts from my head. Everyone"s heads turn to me. I fidget nervously under their gaze. "If Katsia can make it to the platform alone, you all get the time between now and The Vow to train amongst yourselves." She looks to the lake, and I am the only one left looking at her as everyone else awaits my answer.

She nods her head in the direction of the lake, her silent gesture for me to take a look for myself. I turn my head. I can still feel her burning a hole into the side of my face with her stare. The platform has moved, it"s almost on the other side, doubling the distance that I will have to swim. No one says a word, they do not need to.

Another punishment. Oh well, no need to argue or plead. Instead, I walk away from the group and to the start. Cora whispers something to her friend, who in turn laughs at my misfortune as she watches me stretch out my arms in preparation. Ava stands behind me. "I can take care of the vines." She tries, but I have a feeling if I do not do it alone, only me and no one"s gifts to help me, there will be consequences. Ones that do not matter to a girl near her death, but Ava is so close to the end.

She will take The Vow, then she will live her life in the gardens of the King"s palace, just as she wants. Or at least this is what I tell myself will happen after my death.

I turn my attention back to the task at hand. I will try, and I will fail. It will be embarrassing, and then, if this doesn"t kill me, someone else will. So, it does not matter.

"Don"t" is all I say to her, then watch as she takes a step back, letting me know that she understands. Her hands shake and her almost too large eyes well up with tears. Sweet Ava.

Everyone else keeps their distance but stands along the sides of the course to watch me. All the nerves that I thought would take up the space in my chest are nonexistent.

Suddenly, I have a chance to prove myself, not only to the people who watch me now but to myself. I am not useless just because my magic has decided to disappear.

This will not spare my life. I know that. But at least I will die knowing that I did this one thing. So, as I stand here, awaiting the fear that is soon to be in my head, I feel nothing but complete calm.

Madam Christoph gives the signal, the high-pitched whistle that"s now burned into my memory. Before my mind catches up to my body, I"m being hurled towards the nearest object. Just like before, every height is thousands of meters higher and every jump is to my death, yet I still make them, knowing that I will meet the ground below even if my mind thinks that I will not.

When the vines turn into snakes that wrap themselves around my legs and arms, I pull them along with me as I am used to the creatures that I know are not real. Soon, the snakes become hands. Which is not unusual, with the exception of one with an eye upon its wrist. I blink slowly, hoping that it will disappear. Strange. It"s never been this way before. Only fears that most would have, not something so unique to me. I do not dare a peek at my tormentor.

Madam Christoph is diving deeper into my mind. I try to concentrate on my next move. Try to keep the things that scare me most deep inside. The hands cross in front of my face, making it impossible to see anything but that damn tattoo. It is no longer just a tattoo on the arm of an old man because it blinks twice, as if it"s alive, mimicking me, watching me. I can"t look away. Instinctively, I raise my hand to push it away from my face. My forearm hits something solid. Not my imagination at all.

Before I can even try to understand it, a warm sensation starts above my knee and drips down my leg, jolting me back into reality. The shock of the pain is followed by a surge of adrenaline. My attention falls to my thigh, where crimson blood falls down the length of a silver dagger. The hands disappear, returning to vines. I blink away the black that surrounds my vision as though I might faint. When I can see again, I look down again and begin to panic as my dagger sticks out of flesh. It"s like nothing I have ever felt before.

I don"t remember sliding the dagger in my boot this morning. For fear of bleeding out, I know I can"t remove it. I leave it as I head for the wall.

So close, just past the wall is the lake and I know it"s a far swim, but I have made further ones. Not any with a weapon in my thigh. Ignoring the pain that comes with every step I speed up to a jog so that I can clear the wall.

Before I can reach it, Stone spins beneath me. I throw my hands out to balance myself. This time, when reality shifts, there is no wall. Instead, I find myself in an empty field. The one outside of House Luz, the one that I slept in to be far from Father and Kirian. There is no course, no shouts from behind me, no lake.

Wildflowers sprout up from the ground, I can only watch as their whole life cycle plays out before me. From seed to bud to flower. I stare up at the setting sun and smile, I smile, genuinely, for the first time in a long time. My face falls as I wonder if that too is a fear of mine, an image that Madam Christoph so cleverly places inside my thoughts, happiness, something that I will never attain.

The wind picks up, sending my hair flying in all directions, releasing it from the pins around my head. It becomes so violent and loud that I can"t hear myself think, it takes the wildflowers, ripping them from the ground by their roots and flinging them through the air, destroying the once beautiful field. The colors that surrounded me moments ago are now dull. Brown grass and dead trees, gray clouded skies that are on the brink of downpour. Move.

A boot that I have felt many times before strikes me between the shoulder blades, sending me plummeting to the ground face-first. An attack I would have normally dodged if I had heard his heavy steps behind me. Cedric. Move.

Tousled brown hair and breath of booze. My punishment for releasing the animals that he had caught with snares.

But I am no longer willing to take his abuse for the sake of keeping peace. This is not House Luz.

I know his weak points. Madam Christoph"s voice is in my head. The same one she would use to dull out commands during training. If they can"t see, they can"t attack. Go for the eyes first. I know where to hit to make it hurt, and I so badly want to hurt him, the way that he hurt me. I turn to him, prepared to make my attack. Finally, he will get a taste of his own medicine.

My leg does not move. I try again, pinned, I look down to see a snare of his design. He laughs at my mistake, his face turns sinister as he walks away, leaving me, just as he did the fox, the doe, the bear, every animal that had the displeasure of ending up in the hands of Cedric Luz. Now, I am the wounded animal, but who will save me?

I try again, pulling at the snare around my leg. The ground meets me with a hard thump. When I place my hands down to lift myself back up, it is no longer made of dirt. The ballroom. Intricate designs that Father made sure were one of a kind.

My leg is still trapped as men and women dance around me. An upbeat jig plays in the background. The dancers line up. Men to my right and women to my left. The women hold flowers, the men swords. They collide at the center, where I lay helpless. My leg is still pinned between two pieces of wood. I do not bother to ask for help. These people have no eyes, just more skin where their eyes should be. If they did, they would notice the blood, my blood upon their skirts as they drag its deep red across the ground, like a brush on canvas.

The men turn to bucks with long pointed antlers, the women to does with white tails that bounce with each movement. Their hooves click on the stained floor as they continue with their choreography.

Suddenly, I remember the painful screams of those scared animals. Perhaps the same sound that should be coming from me. They were set to die in one of these contraptions. Their last breaths used to call desperately for help. But I will not die here. Nor do I have any pain. In fact, I feel nothing. Not even from where the dagger was lodged into my leg just moments ago.

This is not Cedric"s doing, but Madam Christophs. She is farther in my head than I realized she was capable of going. I am no animal, I remind myself. I know how to release the snare. I know how to mend my own wound.

Before my hands can reach the trap, the revelation sends the image of the dancing herd skittering out of sight. Reality comes crashing back. I see that I am still in the same spot, my hand clutching my leg, but when I look down now, there is no more dagger.

A trick from the very beginning.

When I look up, there is the wall, just where I left it. Ava screams at me from the sidelines to move. Her voice is hoarse as if she has been yelling for hours.

I shake away the dizziness of having another person in my subconscious. Then I pull myself up and over the wall, landing on the other side without injury. I sprint to the lake, and as I wade through the cattail and the weeds, I start to wonder when the next trick will be.

It does not come. I swim for what feels like a long time. So long that I start to think that maybe there are no more tricks at all. I made it. All I have to do is keep moving.

I look down and see something long and scaly swimming beneath me. Thereare fish in this lake. It flips its body so that its white belly faces me, keeping my pace as I go. I have never seen a fish like this one, but we are a long way from Thorn Row.

It comes up to me again, curiosity getting the best of it. Soon, every time I put my head in the water, it"s there. This is not one of Christoph"s cruel tricks. It can"t be. There is nothing fear invoking about it.

I keep moving, swinging my arms and kicking my feet faster now, pushing past my limits and ignoring my tired muscles.

My heart jumps to my throat as the fish comes near me again, closer than before. There is something strange about its scales. They shimmer a different color now. Its face morphs into Adriel"s. Blue eyes, perfect skin, button nose. I do not stop. Will not. I guess I was wrong, this must be another trick.

My head goes under again for a few strokes. Water seeps into my lungs, causing me to choke when I see Madam Christoph"s evil grin take up its features before she changes into a wealthy woman with red hair.

It changes again and again, into a million faces, some I recognize and some I do not. This is not a fear of mine, how could it be, I have never seen a creature such as this one, or even read of it. Can you be afraid of something that you never knew existed?

It reaches up to me with a fin that transforms into a human arm as it nears me. I want to take it, the offer now coming from the face of Kirian. His hand, the one outstretched, his face looking up at me. Kirian"s strands of blonde cascade down his face flowing with the water as he moves through it with ease. His hand is so close to mine that I only have to let my own sink a little further.

I will take you away from here.Our conversations play in my head. I come to a halt, my arms and legs unmoving. Kirian laces his fingers in mine. No magic, no trick. He promised me. I let myself sink, taking in a breath of humid air before my head goes under. I feel the opposite of fear as the creature with Kirian"s face now circles my body, disappearing from my view for a few seconds before emerging in front of me again. Kirian wraps a gentle arm around my waist, pulling me into him. It feels familiar, good.

My eyes close for a moment as I let myself slip into the moment. Danger, Katsia. I tell myself. But my body does not listen. The current catches my body in a lulling back and forth. Open your eyes. A small voice. The quietest my head has ever been, actually. Open them. When I do, all I am left with is the cold water that surrounds me and darkness.

The creature still has Kirian"s eyes, pools of green that blend in with the surrounding water but the rest of his features are disturbingly…off. His nose is too long, his chin elongated. As if he has caught on to my discomfort it morphs again. Into multiple faces as if it"s trying to choose the right one to show me. I scan its scales reflecting less light as we sink further revealing its ugly nature.

When I look back at the face it has carefully chosen, Kirian"s eyes are no longer the ones that look back at me. Augustine"s sullen features take in mine. His eyes, not of fire, but completely hollow masses of black, like the abyss that trapped me.

I begin to squirm, a burning sensation starts in my chest before radiating to my back, my throat. It takes me a second to realize that it"s the absence of air that pains me so. The distance that we have traveled from the surface is getting further and further, I"m not sure how long I have been below water. Augustine continues to sink down along with me, a nasty lopsided grin on his face. The same hot hatred spilling off his body.

I push my hands through the water once more, propelling myself upwards. Leaving whoever"s face, the creature steals next as I make my way back to the top, my lungs nearly exploding as I take in the air once more. All the strength in my muscles is gone, yet I still push forward.

The muddy water drips down my throat and I have to concentrate on not expelling my guts from the taste. The swim becomes a slow crawl, my arms and legs begging for rest. With every swing of my arm, I look beneath the surface paranoid of another run in with the creature that lulled me into the deep. The platform in front of me seems so close and so far at the same time. I"m going to make it. I have to make it.

I throw myself into the next few strokes, hoping that it will be enough, that my muscles can take only a few more minutes of abuse.

My hand hits something hard, shooting a pain into my shoulder. I pull myself on the wood and turn onto my back, lying flat as I take in as much air as my lungs will hold and cough out the water that threatened to drown me.

Pain, my whole body is on fire. Just like when I emerged from the abyss, the world hurts, from the tips of my fingers down to my toes. I stand slowly, each movement sending jolts of fire down my back and legs. I squint towards the shore, but I can"t distinguish between the figures that stand amongst each other. Some wave their hands excitedly. Others pace back and forth as if something is on their mind.

Suddenly, the world seems to go dark as a layer of smoke surrounds me, making it hard to see. "No please" I half whisper "I made it, please." Why is Madam Christoph still punishing me? Feeding me fear with her mind.

Just as I feel the familiar, relentless, pulling and prodding, whispers come from all around. I spin my head trying to find where the voices come from, but all I see is black. They are so close, too close, the voices I hear are not around me, they are in my own head. They share with me their worries. They plead with me to stay.

Yes, I tell them within the confines of my own mind. All at once, a familiar warmth seeps into my skin, into my bones. I feel… powerful.

A soft, gentle voice comforts me. "You"re back." She says. "Finally."

There, what has been missing for so long.

Magic.

I thought of my plan as I swam back, my gift ripped from my body once more as I dove into the water. It hurt just as much, more, now that I know what it felt like to have it for just a moment. To have it and not be afraid of it. Is that what it"s like if I embrace it?

My heart ached as though I had lost something, and I had, I was grieving my magic. I didn"t realize how incomplete I felt until those few minutes that I spent on that platform when it had filled the hole that was unknowingly, painfully, gaping open.

A feeling that I previously thought I was numb to, and perhaps whoever took it knew that, knew that I would not notice or care. Just as I had not cared if my life were to end. The only thing keeping me attached to Stone at the time of my arrival was the remnants of Kirian"s gift, his convincing words, willing me to continue.

That night I knew what I had to do, I was sure there was a perimeter, which meant that all I had to do was leave it, find the distance that I have to travel to gain my magic back again. Then, after that it"s easy, the woman, the one inside my head has warned me of this place, the dangers of staying. My death. I know where I have to go.

I did not say a word to anyone, not even Ava, as I pried open the window and descended the jagged Stone with ease. Thanks to Madam Christoph, I was unafraid of the height. Her nod of understanding when I made it back to shore was enough to convince me that what she had done for me today was no accident. Not at all.