14. Chapter 13

Ispent the rest of the day in a daze. First, picking up the destruction left behind. Mostly, I watch the people of Thorn Row pass by outside. Nearest to the window where the light shines, keeping the Shadows at my back.

A young couple walks hand in hand. I think of what Kirian said about men who would do anything to get a taste. I think of the steps of courtship as I watch the man pull the woman behind a building, kissing her deeply before pulling away with a smile. Is that how it is supposed to be? Two people who are so happy together that they sneak away for secret moments like that. Perhaps I got it wrong this morning. Scratch that, I know I got it wrong.

I lay lazily on the now put-together bed or pace about the room. I hide when the servants come to replace the busted lock and ignore the growling of my stomach as I was not able to eat the food that Kirian left before the guards came through. Whatever kind of red fruit pastry was in the bag from the markets now has a boot print in its middle.

I almost considered picking at it, eating the bits and pieces unmarked by the muddied print. It wouldn"t be the first time. Medla once made sure I was not allowed the food from Lupita"s kitchen. Starving me was one of her favorite punishments. Often a failed one the older I got, when I would wait deep in the trees for a rabbit or squirrel to pass by.

Boots shadow the other side of the door. My chest tightens as someone slides a key into the brass. Quickly, I take a few silent steps to the tub and crouch behind it before watching as the door opens slowly. The Shadows send no warning. They do not recreate on the floor in an attempt to kidnap me.

When Kirian steps through the door, I understand why they didn"t bother to hide me. I stand behind the tub, watching him as he scans the room before landing on me. "I didn"t mean to frighten you," he says as the rest of him appears from behind the door. I was not frightened at all, only surprised, as I thought I wouldn"t see him until the morning. I thought many things that made my head spin and my insides knot.

I give him a reassuring nod and head for the table when I see that he has brought another much larger bag from the markets. My stomach lets out an embarrassing rumble at the sight of it. No reaction from Kirian besides pulling the table so that we can both sit, him on the bed, me on the chair. He takes out bread, strawberries, and chicken breast that smells so good that my mouth waters. He places two napkins down along with silverware and plates. When he reaches in again, he grabs two glasses and a bottle of wine. I"m not sure what to do with most of the silverware but I arrange them around my plate in the same fashion he does. He pulls the cork from the wine and pours us both generous amounts. He came back. I let a smile creep to my face.

"You"re smiling." He looks up from the chore at hand. I drop my face immediately like a child who has received a scolding. "That doesn"t mean you should stop." He says, dropping his napkin into his lap, I mirror the movement. "I thought you would need something to eat after this morning."

"I didn"t think you were coming back until tomorrow," I admit.

"What happened… between us- "

But I cut him off as soon as I look at the neatly placed table and notice his freshly shaven face and nice clothes. Medla and Adriel had many of these courtships. They would end in the bedroom for Medla. Adriel was never so brazen. "This is a courtship," I say plainly. He just smiles politely and nods his head with a low laugh that has my heart skipping a beat.

"Not a very good one." His head swivels as he takes in the old room, the tearing wallpaper and the holes that cover the ceiling, all things I"ve already noted, as I have had plenty of time to memorize the small room.

Carefully, I take a sip of wine. I can"t stop myself from cringing at its bitter taste. I observe the red liquid swish back and forth, sticking to the sides of the glass. I was expecting it to be sweet. It always seemed like it would be when I would watch women gulp it down hastily, dancing and giggling. Sneaking back to have more.

He laughs a little, then grabs his glass as well and holds it out to me. I watched as my sisters would clink their glasses together. Peaking at them from afar so that I would not get in trouble for attending their parties when I was supposed to stay put in my room. When our glasses touch together, creating a satisfying clink, I set it down without taking a sip as Kirian does. I can"t imagine why anyone would want to drink that.

The room grows silent, and I"m left with my thoughts once more. "I never forgot about you, you know." He peers up at me through his thick blond lashes. "That night, when I saw you with my bow, you looked so… determined, stubborn. Not much has changed." I can"t tell if he means that in a good way or not. As we eat, I try my best not to shove large pieces in my mouth, chewing my food thoroughly before swallowing. It"s exhausting, being this concentrated on something so trivial.

"I don"t remember you," I say truthfully. I do remember the men that would practice on targets, none of them as tall or as broad shouldered as Kirian.

"I looked for you the next time your sisters held one of their… parties." He chooses his words carefully. He takes a bite of food, chews on it, then raises his eyebrows at me. "Could not find you." he shakes his head slightly.

Memories of the masquerade come flooding in. That night, after I hid the bow from the men, from Cedric, I went back to my room. I lit the candles. I laid in bed listening to the steady beat of the band from a distance. Suddenly, the grating of something on wood came from the hallway. In even measure, the sound got louder and louder.

Then, laughter came from outside my door, a man"s deep laugh and the echo of a woman"s directly after. I waited until the sound stopped and their footsteps faded away. When I went to open my door, it was no surprise to find something barring it from the other side.

It took me all night to work up the courage to climb out the window and scale the walls to another. The sun was peeking over the hillside, and the party was long since over when I landed face-first into an empty room.

I"ll never forget the beating I received for breaking the window to get in. Cedric has always been heavy-handed. That was not the last time my siblings found inventive ways to keep me from their parties. They even made a game of it.

"I was not supposed to attend them," I tell him. To avoid conversation of my dreadfully boring set of rules that Medla gave me and to keep my mind from thinking of the open wound on my brow that I adorned for weeks after Cedric"s punishment.

I decide to change the subject. "Why haven"t you asked me how I escaped the jail?" I ask avoiding his eyes so that I cannot see if he has caught on to why I have abandoned the earlier conversation.

Kirian plays along, "I already know." He states as he sets his silverware down and dabs his mouth with the napkin from his lap. Then he places his hands together and rests his chin atop them. He is being cocky, I realize, he knows something I do not, and he can"t help himself but to put on a show.

I try my best to copy his behavior. It"s unconvincing, and I can tell by the smirk that pulls at the corner of his mouth. I stupidly let myself scan over him before moving my way up to the forest, reflecting back at me. I blink and find as much confidence as possible. "Tell me," I say. I, too, have set my silverware down on the sides of my plate, ignoring the hunger in my stomach for just a moment.

"The Connection. I"ve seen only one other with your gift." His eyes float about the room as if he is searching for something before he continues. "The ability to manipulate darkness. The King"s right hand, Augustine Nero, Light Taker. He, too, has escaped many prisons, much worse than the one you were in." I now let the surprise creep to my face, the ability to manipulate darkness. I almost laugh at his description.

So far, the darkness has not been used by me but rather through me. The Shadows started as distant murmurs, like they were talking amongst themselves, filling the silence. Eyes that I felt on the back of my head. Then, they would reach for me. Speak to me. Nonsense at first, then words so clear and close that I thought they were in my head. Like when I shot the bow at the lake with Kirian and again when they warned me of the guards searching the rooms.

They are not manipulated at all because, just as they did this morning, they pull me into a puddle of thick nothingness. It"s terrifying and completely against my will.

I"m unsure of so many things in this world, but what I am sure of is that I was not meant to have this gift, as he calls it. Somewhere along the threads of fate, a grave error occurred.

Wherever Kirian plans to have me go, I must know more about The Connection and how to get rid of it. My mind wanders as I begin to contemplate all the ways in which I could live my life free of the Shadows. A seamstress, farmer, maybe even a nurse maid, taking care of small children—that wouldn"t be so bad.

I say nothing, but Kirian sees the curiosity blooming within for all the wrong reasons, as is evident when he says, "Yes, your Gifter was very generous indeed." He talks again as if I know more than I have let on. But I know nothing. I do not particularly care about how I got it, and I don"t plan on keeping it long enough to find out. His curiosity will not be sated.

Kirian continues, "The Spent will give you a highly sought-after job with that kind of power. Just like Augustine. After you take The Vow of course." He says. I will not be around long enough to take a job from The Spent.

"What"s that, The Vow?" I ask. Out of curiosity and because I realize that I have not spoken in a long while and have instead just let Kirian fill the silences.

"A ceremony where you vow to use your magic to serve only The Spent. It"s the only way to legally use The Connection on Stone."

"What happens to people who do not? Take the Vow, I mean." I lean forward as I wait for a response, my elbows on each side of my plate. Kirian"s smile spreads from one ear to the other. There it is again, the feeling that air seems to surround him. With a breath of it, I could be smiling, too. I don"t.

"Oh, you will want to." His green eyes move back and forth between my black ones. "When you have completed your training, you"ll realize how important the cause is. You will want to take The Vow and become a member of The Spent." He says it with such confidence like there is nothing more to say about the matter. Coming from his mouth it sounds nice, like he wants me to be a part of something. But getting your hopes up is for fools, and I am no fool.

The night is mostly filled with idle chit-chat, I narrowly avoid most questions that lead back to my siblings or Father, and the night begins to slip away.

Soon, Kirian pulls a small watch from his pocket. "It"s well past the time that I was planning on leaving." He says with a grin.

When he stands, I also stand. Another important gesture I learned from my sisters. The men that they fancied would be walked to the door. Those men would inevitably bend over and place a kiss upon their cheek before their departure. Our door is merely steps away, giving us little time for the same sideways glances and accidental missteps that would lead to such a thing. Medla was a trickster, always coming up with ways to get close to the men without them even noticing she was doing it, but I saw her. I saw everything.

Kirian"s face stretches into a yawn as he makes for the door. I happened to get a good look at that pocket watch as well, and if we are to leave by first light, it"s only hours away. By the time he gets to the barracks and back, I am willing to bet he will only get a wink of sleep. Still, I let him slip on his boots and pull his jacket over his shirt. There is no pleading this time. I will not ask him to stay.

We take the few steps to the exit, just like I saw dozens of times with different men at my sisters" sides. And just as I suspected, Kirian bends down slowly and places a kiss on my cheek, a light, gentle kiss that lights my skin on fire and has my stomach flipping. This one is much different than the one we shared before. "Til" first light, Katsia," he lingers near my ear for a moment before straightening.

My breath hitches, but I manage to reply, "Goodnight, Kirian." The door closes, and I let out a long-held breath as his footsteps fade from earshot.

I don"t let myself sleep. It is for no other reason than the fear that I will once again slip into the abyss, only this time, who knows if I will make my way out. So, I slip from my clothes and curl into the warm blankets, but I do not dare let my eyes close.

When the sun begins to rise, I rise with it.

With a lace bottom petticoat now over my head and the green dress atop it, I take a regretful look in the mirror, hating the body that looks back. Straightening the fabric unsuccessfully and fidgeting with the gold detail around my waist.

The dress does not fit my form. It hangs loosely around the collar as if it belonged to someone with a much larger chest. The dress is also much too short, showing off more of my boots than even my sisters would deem acceptable.

My hair falls to my waist. I run my hands through it and then throw it into a quick single braid. I look into the now broken mirror again, which seems to fit this dingy room better with a new wiry crack down its middle. Only looking long enough at myself to tuck away stray hairs.

As good as it gets, I guess.I"d much rather wear the clothes I had on before. Instead, I shove the shirt and trousers into the bag that Kirian left behind.

Then, I wait.