13. Chapter 12

Sharp nails dig into my arm, fingers wrap around my wrist, then my leg falls off the side of the bed, a desperate grip around my ankle. The sheets are pulled from my body, sending a chill down my spine.

My mind begins to clear the fog of slumber, but not soon enough. The Shadows pull me into their embrace as a blanket of black appears above me. I fall from the bed in my panic, pushing myself away from the black. Pain radiates through me as I catch myself on twisted ankle and sore palms. The Shadows voice their concerns, "run," they say as I use the nightstand to pull myself up.

Men"s voices fill the hallways, my head whips in that direction. It"s not the regular customers that frequent the hallways in search of women willing to give them what they want. They pound on the doors below me. Objects clatter to the ground and a woman lets out a terrified shriek as a man shouts, "Everyone out, now."

I know what they search for, who. The Shadow above me dissipates and reforms on the floor. I shuffle backward, half expecting the same figure of a man to appear above it like before, to take me into the darkness, to take me to another beast. Perhaps one far worse than Father.

Think. I turn to look for my clothes, but the heavy footsteps make their way up the stairs, so instead, I pull the sheet from the bed and wrap it around myself as I search for an escape. The pool beckons me. The Shadows tell me that I will be safe, but I do not believe them. I fear what will happen if I step inside, as it seems I have no control of where it takes me.

The only way out is down. Heaving the window open, I peer at the street below, then to where Kirian and I stood when we entered through the back door of The Charlie. A man in a guard"s uniform blocks the door, a sword strapped to his hip. I quickly dismiss the idea.

Facing the room again in search of an impossible escape, I see the pool of black move to under my feet, I try to step back, but it grows, giving me little room to avoid it. A door opens nearby, something hits the wall near me with a thud, then sinks down to the floorboards, a woman cries out in pain. "Look at me." One of the men says, she lets out another, more desperate scream.

There is silence for a moment, "It"s not her," the men tell each other. Then the door slams shut, and footsteps start in my direction. My heart hammers in my chest. I can"t think. The Shadows pull me in all directions again, gripping at me with their long fingers in a silent plea to move. To do anything but what I am doing now, which is nothing. I remain frozen, the pestering becomes urgent, violent.

I swat them away angrily. Think. But there is nothing, no escape. My body starts to shake, I blink away the blur of tears, and when I open them, I see the Shadow figure once more, its arms outstretched from the pool of darkness, my legs swallowed by its black grip as he drags me under once more, just like before.

The last thing I see is a guard"s boot breaking through the wooden door frame as it"s forced open, fracturing the lock. The sheet is ripped from my body as I fall. I take a deep breath as I plunge into the black liquid.

It"s warm and weightless. My body convulses as I try to make sense of what"s happening. I swing my arms the same as when I dive into the lake at House Luz, but I"m slowed by whatever substance surrounds me.

Minutes tick by. I can"t hold my breath forever.

When my chest aches with the need for air, I breathe, surprised when I can inhale and exhale easily while I remain surrounded by what I thought was water.

I stretch my arms and legs out, searching for something, anything to grab onto, but nothing is there.

"It"s empty." a voice says from above me, it"s muffled, distant. I try to look in the direction of that voice, but there is just endless nothingness. It consumes me, when my stomach comes out of its knots and my chest stops aching, an alarm goes off in my head. Get out.

Kirian, he"s going to come looking for me, but I won"t be here. Get out, get out, get out. I thrash around in a desperate search once more. Tears leak from my eyes, but they do not fall, they are suspended in time, sticking to my face like mud. More voices come from above, below, all around me. I stay like that listening to the multiple conversations, the clattering of glass as it breaks, women"s scrambling footsteps and men who are upset about the disruption of services.

Soon, the sounds stop, replaced by silence, the silence that comes from the city right before the sun rises. The in-between, the times when men and women are either asleep or sitting quietly in their warm homes before they start the day. The silence turns into the faint sounds of glass being pushed into dustpans and emptied nearby, the same servants who fetched me water for my bath whisper their complaints of the soldiers who trashed the rooms as they clean.

I drift in and out of consciousness, it"s hard to know when I am asleep or awake, whether my eyes are opened or closed.

Sometimes I think I"ve had a dream but can"t remember the details. I listen and wait. It"s all I can do.

No more tears come, and soon, I no longer search for a way out. A sense of calm falls over me, like the abyss wants me to stay in it forever. Soon, I begin to think that"s not such a bad idea. Nothing can hurt me here, no one expects anything from me. I curl my legs to my stomach. Yes, I can stay here. It"s not so bad.

"Katsia," my name floats over the top of me. The voice, it"s panicked, worried, angry even. "Katsia," the familiar voice calls again. It gets closer to me. I reach for it. Lifting my hand is hard, like wading through honey.

I push it above my head with all my strength, searching once more for something to grab hold of. I hear nothing, only the sound of boots on wood as they further from me. Wait. I force myself out of the calm and back into reality. I cannot stay here.

No, please don"t go, don"t leave me here.No words come out, but I scream anyway. It just rattles around in my head. Kirian, I"m here. I try again, unable to tell if the words are coming from my mouth or are only in my mind.

I will myself to reach again, stretching my arm impossibly further. "Please" I beg the Shadows. They are the ones who put me in here and they are the ones that can let me out.

Something solid hits my hand. I scratch at it, pain radiates from my fingernails up my arm. Again, I paw at the object until I wrap my hand around something solid. The object is cold compared to the warm abyss that I currently swim in. I follow the cold, hoisting myself up and into it, the world becomes tangible once more.

My nose sucks in the icy air, the smell of must fills my lungs, I try not to gag at its intensity. I continue to breathe in, ignoring the ripples of pain that make their way through my body and focusing on the faint scent of mint that Kirian must have left behind. My shoulder aches as I lay on the rotting floor. The cold air now has me shaking uncontrollably. You do not belong here.

I do not realize my eyes are squeezed shut until the light blinds me as I relax slightly. Even from behind my eyelids, the light seeps through, creating a burning sensation behind my eyes. I give myself little time to adjust before I force myself to open them all the way, I bite my lip to stop myself from crying in pain. I blink until the room comes into focus.

The mattress has been taken from its frame as it lays on the floor, and my dress is thrown to the other side of the room. The small dresser near the bed is missing its drawers and the oil lamp leaks from a crack at its side. This world seems gray, bleak and unbearable. I struggle to my hands and knees but that"s as far as I can get.

My hair falls to the sides, the ends laying limply on the ground near my hands. Where it touches my arms, I feel heat—a stark contrast to the frigid air. My knees feel as if they lay on a pile of glass, and my hands feel as if they might shatter under my weight. This world is hurting me. Everywhere I touch, it stings.

Someone steps into the room. I do not look up. The movement would make me sick. Slowly, they shut the broken door behind them.

The person kneels before me, their breathing so loud, their own knees hitting the floor, bone and flesh on wood like thunder to my ears. They drape something warm across my back. I ignore the bite of the fabric, every stitch my skin mistakes for needles. I concentrate on the smell of mint that now surrounds me, the same way that the darkness surrounded me only moments ago. Kirian.

He stands, and picks me up with him, effortlessly. He places me on the mattress and wraps me in blankets, disgusting yellow splintering sheets that dig into my sides. I shiver violently, both from the cold and fear. He slides under the blanket as well, pulling me into him until my body relaxes as I become accustomed to the air once more. "You"re safe" His words surround me, like they have their own aura. I believe him.

We stay like that for what could be hours or minutes, I am unsure. "I could hear you." He finally says into my hair. Hear me? When I called for him from the abyss, I did not speak at all, I only wished it inside my head.

Suddenly, I am very aware of my naked body pressed up against him. My eyes go wide as I slither out of his arms, making sure that I am covered in all the right places before I sit up. It takes everything in me to look at him, and when I do, he searches my eyes for answers that I do not have.

"I"m sorry." Is all I can say. Hot tears sting as they fall, this world has not had enough of hurting me, I guess. So, I wait for a moment before continuing, gathering myself and letting the pain subside. Kirian does not mind, or at least he does not show it as we sit in silence. "I was here, I think." I finally say. He shakes his head as he sits up so that we are eye to eye. "Here and not here at the same time." I clarify. I swallow hard, and I don"t want to think of what just happened, how, or why.

And can"t bear that look that he is now giving me, confusion and awe and God"s dammit, the pity that has never truly left his face since that day at House Luz. I want to wipe it away.

"You don"t have to-." He stops mid-sentence. "You"re here now, that"s all that matters, you"re safe." He reassures me for the second time. You"re safe. His words repeat in my head. You"re safe. And I can really feel it. It sinks into me, I"ve never felt it before, safe.

I lift my chin at the realization and press a gentle kiss to Kirian"s lips. It"s almost out of my control.

My hand releases a part of the yellowed sheets so that I can place it on his face. He grabs my wrist, as we fall onto the plush mattress, now bare of its bedding. My legs part as I straddle him, my naked breasts push up against his muscular chest. The beat of his heart against my body sends a wave of heat rushing between my thighs.

I surprise myself by pushing further into him, never having felt the pressure of a man, never wanting to. I shudder out a breath before crashing my lips back down to his. A growl escapes from somewhere deep in his chest as his tongue circles my bottom lip before sucking it into his mouth, holding me in place with his teeth as his hands move down my back in a desperate need to touch as much of my skin as possible.

This is the first time I have kissed someone. The touch of others often prevents me from getting this close, but this feels right, good even. Maybe even amplified, just as the world had been moments ago when it pained me to exist in it.

It only lasts seconds before he pushes himself upright, leaning back onto his hands. This sends me flying backward. Embarrassment makes my cheeks flush. I lick away the saliva from my now swollen bottom lip as I prop up on my knees, straightening out my upper body, one leg on the hard floor and one on the mattress. I quickly grab the sheets and wrap them around my body once more.

Stupid, Katsia, so stupid. What have I done? Whatever emotion I let myself feel just seconds ago is gone, replaced with overwhelming guilt. Especially as I watch him stand quickly, pacing about the room before he looks down at me like he just made the biggest mistake of his life. My wide eyes find something, anything else to look at that is not him. He straightens out his shirt and grabs the discarded jacket from the ground. "You- "he starts as he throws the jacket over his body and begins to button it from top to bottom. When he turns back to me, I see that he has only gotten halfway down. As if he can only do one thing at a time. "I- "he tries again but fails.

Embarrassment fades away and something else takes its place, rejection, a familiar feeling. Feral is what he called me. Why would he want to be with someone like that? He wouldn"t. He deserves better, someone with etiquette and manners and not someone who spent her life afraid of the dark, afraid of everything besides the land and animals and the sun. Stupid. That"s what I am, so stupid for thinking he would want me as much as I want him. "You don"t have to explain." I half-whisper, still kneeling.

"Don"t you dare." His voice low and demanding, my head snaps up to see the expression on his face. He takes one step towards me. He towers over me. When I make to look away, he reaches down and lifts my chin up to meet his face. I pinch my thighs together as the warmth presents itself again. I pull away quickly, embarrassed that even after his rejection he can still make me feel that way.

"I get it Kirian." I spit, my head still tilted up at him. Forcing myself to keep his eyes and wishing that the tears that I feel welling up again would disappear.

"You have no idea how much I want this, you." He sweeps his hands over his hair, slicking it back behind his ears. "It"s not that simple, we can"t do this. I won"t do this. To you." Do what? I think to myself. "You haven"t lived, you haven"t had men pine after you, court you." He sighs and sits back on the bed beside me, leaning over onto his knees. "And trust me they will, fight over your affections, fight each other just to get one taste of you." He speaks to the ground. How can this large man look so small right now?

What do I do with that information? Nothing, and I don"t. I ignore him as I slide off the bed and find my clothes tossed onto the table near the now-emptied bag of food lying on its side.

I pull my clothes on quickly, taking another glance at Kirian, whose internal struggle I will never understand.

He stands and continues buttoning his jacket. Then he comes over to me, I"m still trying to piece myself together to understand something that I"ve never felt before, I have no words for it. Kirian forces me to face him. He places his hands on the back of my head, pulling me to him. So hot and cold, but my body molds into him so easily, and I let him keep me there for just a moment longer. "Don"t waste your affections on me, Katsia," he says my name again, so drawn out and lazy.

"I"m not wasting anything. I"m not a child. I knew what I was doing." A lie. I have no idea what I"m doing, I never have. I push myself away from him. It"s not easy. It feels so good to be near that chest, near his heart.

Hurt molds his face as he takes a step back. He scrapes the palm of his hands against his jacket, straightening out the wrinkles as he corrects himself.

"Tomorrow morning, we will have to head out before the sun is up. They will be waiting for you. South-east gate three. Wear the dress." He speaks like is giving orders again. I wish I could switch so easily into a different person.

Then he walks over to the dress and lays it on the bed. It"s green, so dark against the disheveled sheets. He makes his way to the door, placing his hat on his head and reaching for the knob. "I"ll see you in the morning." He whispers.

I know he should go. I know I should hate him for making me feel this way, but what"s worse than rejection is being alone. Don"t go, don"t go. All day by myself, all night, I can"t do it, not after what happened. Who knows when the Shadows will present themselves, when they will take me to that place that I almost did not escape from?

Don"t go."Don"t go," I finally say aloud. "Please," I add before taking a few shaky steps toward him. "Please" I say again to his back side as he still holds the door, so tightly that his knuckles turn white. "I don"t want to be alone," I admit. "I don"t care about my future, men fighting for my affections, or being courted. Right now is all I have, it"s all I"ve ever had. For once I don"t want to spend it alone."

He doesn"t turn around.