Chapter 39

Chapter 39

Zack

She never showed up for school, or for our date. At first I thought maybe she was scared. Afraid to go through with what we had planned for last night. But she didn’t answer my calls or my texts, so eventually I went to her Aunt’s house. She looked upset, but said Nikki had found out some information about her Mom that morning and probably needed some alone time.

I remember needing time away from everyone and everything after Emily died, wanting to take a time out from the world. So I went back home. I was upset she didn’t come to me; I would have helped her. Or even just held her if that’s what she needed. We didn’t have to go through with our plans.

But now it’s morning and I still haven’t heard from her and my worry has turned to panic. What the hell is going on? So I’m back at her Aunt’s house at six am. I just want to know she’s home and safe. She doesn’t even need to talk to me.

I ring the bell twice but no one answers. There’s a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach and every minute that passes I know something is really wrong. Her Aunt’s car is in the driveway, so I know she’s home. I wait a few minutes to give her time— maybe she needs to get dressed and get to the door. But no one comes. My heart beats so loudly with anticipation, I feel like it might come through the wall of my chest. I wait more, still no one comes. So I start banging. Pounding so hard the door begins to loosen from the hinges. Still no answer. So I start yelling. “Open up the door! Open up the goddamn door!” Two neighbors come out in robes before the door finally opens.

Aunt Claire’s face is swollen like she’s been crying and she steps aside and motions for me to come in.

“Where is Nikki?” I demand, heading down the hall to her room before she has time to respond. I swallow hard finding it empty. Something deep inside of me knew it would be.

“Where is she?” I scream. Aunt Claire’s shoulders jump from the anger in my voice and tears start flowing down her cheeks. I rake my hands through my hair, tugging harshly at the roots.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. But where is she? Is she okay?” Anger and panic twist a knot in my stomach, leaving me feeling like I might be sick. If anything has happened to Nikki I don’t know what I’ll do. Fuck, I love that girl. More than anything. Please God, let her be okay.

“Sit. Zack. I’ll put on some coffee. We need to talk.”

***

An hour later my mind is still racing. I’m not sure what emotions I feel. I’m….numb; in shock, undoubtedly. “Why didn’t you tell her yourself?”

“I don’t know. I’ve been asking myself the same question over and over for the last twenty-four hours. Why did I let it come from some woman she doesn’t know in a cold government office?” She buries her face in her hands. “When she moved in, I thought she was fragile, I wasn’t sure she could handle anything more. She was so close to her Mother, I didn’t want to spoil the memories she was trying to find a place for in her heart with secrets.”

“She isn’t fragile,” I tell her, defensiveness in my tone.

“I know that now. Once I got to know her…really know her…I realized that. She’s probably the strongest person I’ve ever met.”

“And why didn’t you tell her then?”

“Because by then she had found some happiness.” She pauses. “She found you, Zack. And I was afraid of what telling her would do to both of you. You’ve both been through so much.”

“Does Dr. Bennett know she was living here?” So many random questions whirl through my mind. I’m not sure why I ask, but I suddenly remember Nikki’s reaction to seeing him the first time in my yard. She recognized him, but wasn’t sure who he was.

“He does now. I went to talk to him at the hospital last night when Nikki didn’t come home. He’s upset. It’s complicated. He was Nikki’s mother’s doctor and she was very young. But he loved her. He wanted to be with her and his girls. But my sister’s disease made her irrational. She wouldn’t even let him help. When she stopped taking her medications, she really believed he was going to steal Nikki. He did the best he could with Nikki. It was all she would allow him to do.”

“Was he married to Mrs. Bennett when he and Nikki’s mother were together?”

“Yes.”

“Does Mrs. Bennett know Emily has a sister?”

“She does. She hated my sister. I’m glad she never got to meet Nikki, she would have filled her head with vile things about my sister,” she says remorsefully.

It’s just so much to take in at once. I need to clear my head, figure this all out. I stand to leave. “You’re sure she’s safe in Texas?”

She nods. “Her friend Ashley promised she’d keep in touch. She won’t tell me much, only that she’s upset. But at least I know she’s safe.”

“Are you going to call the police?”

“There’s not much they can do. She’s eighteen now.”

“When did she…” I remember I don’t need to ask her birthday. I already know. It’s the same as Emily’s.

I walk to the door, and turn back with one last question, even though I know she doesn’t have the answer. “Why didn’t she come to me?

***

Mom opens the front door before I can even turn the key.

“Zack, I’ve been trying to call you.”

“What’s wrong, Mom?” She has that worried face I’ve come to dread.

“Dr. Bennett is here.”

“Here?”

“Yes. He wants to speak to you.”

I walk into the kitchen and find Dr. Bennett waiting. He looks anxious. Seeing him makes me angry.

“What do you want?” I seethe.

“Zack!” Mom’s appalled.

“It’s okay, Jane. Zack’s upset and he has every right to be.”

Mom looks between me and Dr. Bennett. Neither of us offers anything more. She takes the hint. “I’ll leave the two of you alone to talk.” She turns to me. “I’ll be upstairs if you need anything.”

I nod.

“You’ve spoken to Claire, I see.”

“I shouldn’t have had to.”

“It’s complicated, Zack.”

“Why do adults think everything is so complicated? You took advantage of Nikki’s mother and kept Nikki in the dark about having a sister. A twin sister.”

“I’m not proud of what I did. But I loved Nikki’s mother.”

“Did Emily know?”

“No.”

“Why didn’t you tell them?”

“It’s compli…” Dr. Bennett thinks better of his response when he sees my face.

“It wasn’t just the girls I needed to think about, Zack. Mrs. Bennett and Nikki’s mom had to be considered too.

“So you kept it a secret for your wife? I’m sure Mrs. Bennett was very concerned what other people would think.” My voice is laced with disdain. Not only for Dr. Bennett’s actions, but for Mrs. Bennett too. I never really cared for her much. All of the insecurities and materialism that weighed heavily on Emily were bred from her mother.

Dr. Bennett sighs. He’s smart. Knows there is no answer that will satisfy me.

“What did you come here for?” I ask impatiently.

“I need to ask you if you were in Emily’s room today?”

“What? No.” I pause. “I haven’t been in Emily’s room since before she…”

“Someone was in her room.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I came home to find her mirror broken.”

“Maybe it just fell over. That thing wasn’t even secured to the wall.”

“The patio door was wide open and a picture was ripped up next to the shards of glass.”

“What picture?”

“It was a picture of you and Emily. The one she kept on her mirror.”

I run through a visual slide show in my head. She had so many pictures, I can’t recall which was on the mirror. “Which picture was it?”

“You were on that 10th grade class trip up North to Angel’s Gate. You were standing in front of the lighthouse.”

***

I’ve been running for hours.

I’m lost, even though I know exactly where I am.

Grey clouds hang low in the sky mimicking how I feel.

Exhausted by emotion, my eyes sting from tears that never seem to run low.

A thousand thoughts race through my mind as I run.

I try to chase them away.

But the faster I run the faster they come.

So I try harder.

Each footstep reaches the pavement faster than the last.

The burn in my calves travels up through my legs but I keep going.

Faster and faster.

Desperate to chase away my thoughts.

My hands begin to shake.

My body begins to shake.

Eventually my legs give out and I fall to the ground.

Everything changes from warp speed to slow motion.

My body crashes against the concrete.

The momentum from the speed of my fall opens the skin on my knees, my elbow, my arms, my chin.

The pain feels good.

It drains the energy from my mind and finally, at least for a moment, I stop thinking.