Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Nikki

When the car door closes, the tension increases. Dinner was surprisingly light after my telling Zack about Mom. It was just what I needed. Zack seemed wounded by my news, yet he didn’t dwell on it…he didn’t try to get me to talk about my feelings. Instead we moved forward, without looking back. It was almost as if he understood that it was a loss that words couldn’t explain.

But now, with our close proximity inside Zack’s car, the tension is anything but light. There’s a current in the air and I feel it from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. Zack rolls down the window and fidgets awkwardly. I wonder if he feels it too.

We drive in silence for a few minutes, until it becomes clear we’re going in the opposite direction we should be heading. “I don’t know the area well, but doesn’t Keller live near school? Are we still meeting at his place?”

“I want to show you something.” We make eye contact. Zack seems excited, if a bit sheepish. It’s a good look for him, terribly attractive. “You said you’d never seen the Pacific Ocean. I thought you might enjoy this view.” He motions out the window. From the hilly point where he’s now pulled over, the ocean crashes below us.

He jogs around the car, opens my door and takes my hand to help me out. A knowing grin spreads across Zack’s face when he spots the goose-bumps on my arms. “I have a sweatshirt in the back if you’re cold.” We both know my shiver has nothing to do with the temperature. I shake my head.

“High Pointe Landing,” he says, coaxing me out, even though I don’t really need any coaxing. “It’s meant for cars to pull over, so it’s safe to get out. Great spot to see the sun go down.”

“It’s beautiful.” I’m mesmerized, although I’m not sure if it’s from the breathtaking view in front of me or the fact that Zack still hasn’t let go of my hand. “And you’re right. I’ve never seen the Pacific before tonight I’ve never seen any ocean like this,” I confess.

Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, smelling the ocean salt in the air, then exhale loudly with a hum. “California really is a beautiful place. I never intended to like it, but it’s close to impossible not to be blown away by the weather and the beauty.”

Zack cocks his head. “You didn’t intend to like it? Why not? You mean, because you love Texas so much?”

I try not to laugh, but I can’t help it. The thought of loving the trailer where I lived better than this is just comical. “There’s not a lot to love back in Texas, Zack. At least not any part I ever lived in.”

“How many parts did you live in?” Zack appears sincerely curious.

“Oh, my mom and I moved a lot. Never very far but lots of different small towns in the middle of the state,” I explain. It’s more than I’ve told anyone about the life Mom and I lived— even Aunt Claire— but it feels natural and right to tell Zack.

“It must be kind of cool to get to know different places. I’ve always lived in the same house. Sometimes I wish we’d move. A new place. Seeing things for the first time. Sort of like starting over.”

“I don’t know about cool. My whole life, I’ve wished I could live in the same house for years on end. I always thought it would be fun to know your neighbors. Maybe have barbeques and share things. I’ve never had real neighbors like Aunt Claire does. She talks to them all the time. I bet your family does the same thing.”

Zack turns from our conversation, leaving his back facing me. What the heck did I say this time? Every time I begin enjoying his company, he disappears on me. I’m starting to get familiar with what happens, I just don’t get why it happens. But this time I feel braver and intend to find out.

I walk around, giving Zack no choice but to face me. I grab his hand, hoping to restore our connection…get a reaction of some sort at least. But he looks down at me blankly. “What happened? You were right here with me a minute ago and now you’re gone. Did I say something? Do something?”

He shakes his head, mute.

“Okay. But whatever it was, I can’t promise not to do it again if I don’t even know what I keep doing that upsets you.”

“You don’t upset me.” Zack brings his eyes back to mine, briefly, then looks away again. Whatever it is, it’s causing him pain and I want it to go away. I just want the anguish I see in his eyes to disappear.

“It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it.” I look down at my watch. “It’s probably time we head to meet the group anyway.” I squeeze his hand and take a step toward the car, our hands still locked. He tightens his grip, but doesn’t move with me. It stops me in my tracks.

“I had a girlfriend,” he begins. His voice is low and he looks down as he speaks. He pauses and I wait anxiously for whatever is to come next.

“Her name was Emily.” Zack lowers himself to the ground and sits on the tuft of grass in front of the car, staring out at the sun setting over an ocean that is bluer than I ever thought it could be.

Forgetting my anxiety about getting so close to Zack, I sit down next to him and wait, knowing that whatever he’s about to share brings him only pain. I want to support him. Just be here for him.

Zack turns to me, and with just enough light left from the setting sun, I see a fullness in his eyes that only fighting back tears can bring. I’m surprised when he speaks. “She was my neighbor for ten years. She died in a car accident six months ago.” And with those two short sentences, Zack has told me more about who he is than a lifetime of words could ever tell me.

I close my eyes, realizing the pain I must have caused when I told him all I ever wanted was a neighbor. Nothing I can say will comfort him…I should know that from experience. So I don’t try to give him words filled with false hope that things will get better, because I’m not sure they will. Instead, I rise to my knees, crawl between his parted legs, wrap my arms around his neck and just hold him. No words. No promises. Just silence and whatever comfort my arms can bring. He’s tense for a few minutes. But I stay steadfast, keeping myself wrapped tightly around him, even if he doesn’t hold me back. Until eventually, his shoulders soften and I hear his muffled tears.

We stay that way until the sun sets behind the ocean and all the light fades away. A lighthouse flashes occasionally in the distance. After a while, Zack pulls back and finds my eyes. “I don’t talk about it, Nikki,” he whispers. “People are afraid to talk to me about it, so they just pretend it didn’t happen. Allie tried to talk to me once, but I shut her out and she knew better than to try again. I don’t want to shut you out. I feel like you understand me. I felt that way even before you told me about your mom.”

I lean my head against his shoulder. A few minutes pass and the flicker of the guiding light off in the distance catches my attention again. “I’ve always been drawn to pictures of lighthouses,” I say. “I never understood why.” As if on cue, it flickers again, revealing itself for a few seconds before it fades back into the darkness. “There’s just something solitary about them, but at the same time they draw people in…guide them…maybe even save a few, just by giving them light in the darkness.” Zack exhales audibly and rests his head against mine.

We stay that way, in the darkness, in silence, the only sound the waves crashing against the shoreline below us. Only thirty minutes pass before we climb back into the car, but it feels like thirty days. We’re close enough now, even in the car, that our bodies touch, but this time there isn’t a sexual energy. It’s different. Acceptance— and understanding. Around Zack, I feel…at home. Like I belong. Something I never thought I’d feel again.