4

"I found this coffee shop with ridiculously good drinks that are more like breakfast milkshakes that you can drink to your heart's content now that you know the rune for caffeine like when we drink Mountain Dew," Neldor said to me after training the next morning. "How about we go have a few and talk about whatever is on your mind?"

I swallowed loudly and kept stretching. "I was actually going to speak to Julian first and get a bit more—"

"I would prefer you speak with me first given the topic," he said quietly as he squatted down in front of me. He let out a slow breath when I didn't say anything. "Please? I'm trying not to push here, but I think it's fair to talk to me first. We agreed none of us should influence each other's relationships with you."

I mulled that over a bit. "I can't agree to anything without talking to them first though."

It was his turn to be quiet. "Yeah, that's fair too. I get that. I just—you're clearly going back and forth, and that's not the time to ask them. Not to me. Trust me to talk this out like you do with them. Please?"

I hated the begging tone in his voice, and I finally looked at him. "I've asked you to weigh in on them too, Nel. You have. I'm not being mean here or anything."

He nodded and held out his hand to me. "I still want you to talk to me first. Please?"

Yeah, I could do that. I'd been dancing around him so long and he'd had so many talks with the others that… I could do this for him if it was what he needed.

We both threw on glamours and went with our security to some chic coffee spot that had fancy and crazy everything. There were four types of whipped topping options for my first drink alone. Wow.

"Shit, this is good," I groaned after we sat down. It had the protein of the milk and the protein powder I'd had them add. I shook off my happy taste buds and put up a barrier over us so we could talk. "Izzy said to tell you where I'm at, to respect you that much, and let you decide if you can accept that and handle it."

" That's what I got from you," he sighed. "Something in my gut and magic—I just knew I needed to talk to you. That it needed to be us and something like this" He let out a slow breath. "I'm sorry I was so pushy. Really. I just knew…" He shrugged.

Yeah, fair enough.

"Izzy and Katrina feel like in maybe five or ten years Faerie could be in a spot that this could happen and not be an immediate knee-jerk reaction of everyone… You know."

He swallowed loudly. "I'm the boss and you are just a puppet ruler. Everything you feared and I helped put into too many heads."

Yeah, that. Or that he would take over as king, but he'd promised not to, and there was no changing that law now that the corrupt ancients and elders were gone.

It wasn't like I was going to do it!

"I would agree with their assessment but I'm biased. I will say that Taeral said the same as a way to comfort me that even if we don't have hope now that we will live long lives and hopefully things will change and I could have a chance," he said quietly as he focused on his own drink. "I wasn't mature and got angry that was the only thing standing in our way."

"That's a big ‘only,' Nel," I whispered.

"Yes, but it's…"

"You want to be worth it to me," I said for him, he slightly flinched and hurried to take a drink. "Yeah, I would feel the same, but it's not about whether or not you would be worth it. It's about whether it's smart to start something knowing you would experience that pain."

"I know. I know that. I do."

"But feeling it is something different," I accepted.

"Are you going to have this conversation with yourself?" he teased, his tone light or trying to be.

I ignored it and stayed focused. This was hard enough on me. "I understand your feelings, but you have to factor in how much of this you did to us . I'm not trying to punish you, but it's reality. And my head still screams that I'm a fool to ever consider this after all you did."

I felt his pain almost like it was my own.

"Nel, I've forgiven you," I said gently. "I have. I believe you're not that guy anymore. But too much bad has happened to me. Would it really be the craziest thing that you had come up with a new plot and simply put on a mask to get me this way before going with the original plan?"

He blinked back tears. "No. No, it's not, and you should be that smart." He sat back and wiped under his eyes. "You'll never give us a chance, will you?"

"I want to," I admitted, hurrying on when he froze, not thinking that was where this conversation was heading. "I just don't know how . There's so much at stake. What if—we're not talking about a normal first date here, and even if we have one and it's a disaster, everything is gone." I gestured between us. "Everything we have now is gone. That is such a gamble and—"

"Please take it," he rasped, blinking back tears as he met my gaze. "You're not just my mate but the best friend I've ever had, Tams. I know this is scary. I'm terrified as well. But , everything else aside—Faerie, your other mates, being royals, the gods even—if we were just Neldor and Tamsin…"

"What?"

He licked his lips. "Would you want that first date?"

My answer was instant. "Yes."

"Then please take this gamble with me because my answer is the same. Please take this gamble on us . Don't we deserve it? Haven't we suffered enough because of all the rest of that?" He gestured out toward the world and I knew what he meant. "Leave the rest out there and just let it be us and—"

"But that's not our life, Nel," I cut in. "And I need to think about some… Guardrails here. I need…"

"What, baby doll?" he asked gently. "What do you need to make this work? To give us a chance?"

I took a long sip of my drink. "An idea of what we both expect?" I nodded. "Yeah, that's what Lucca and I discussed and it was smart. I've done it with the others after fights or issues when we got back together."

"But we were never together yet," he hedged.

"Right, I get that, but given where we're starting and what's already happened, it's—that makes everything too complicated to pretend we can simply focus on us only." I was relieved when I saw understanding fill his eyes.

"Okay, I hear you," he accepted. "I didn't consider that when we're both clear we're not going public with any of this. Right, okay, there's still a lot to discuss I guess." He frowned like he wasn't sure if that was true or how that worked so much. He opened his mouth but then closed it, trying several more times before giving me a look like he was stumped.

Which was actually adorable if I was honest.

"I'm not sure I know the answer yet either," I admitted. "That was why I was going to get some more advice first."

"Okay." He bobbed his head and took another long sip. "Are there any specific concerns holding you back?" He frowned when I fidgeted with my drink. "So clearly, there are. Baby doll, if there is something worrying you more than what I already know, please tell me."

"It's really hard for me to, so I need you to…"

"Be gentle with you?" he offered.

Yeah, that would work, so I nodded.

"I can do that. Please, just tell me."

I cleared my throat. "You need to back off a bit if we're going to try dating. Stuff like the press conference scares me. I get you're taking the role your dad had for your mom at times, but they were mated . We're not. And I even accepted it as you being my right hand sometimes, and I get why you do it, but if we cross this line, it's too…"

"Manipulative?" he checked, sighing when I nodded. "Yeah, okay, that's fair. But you have to let me take the heat at times too then since we're the leadership team." He shook his head when I argued. "The vice president does it too, Tams. Their job is to protect the president at times too. I've looked into that relationship and they do."

"Okay, that's fair, but no more sneak attacks or whatever. I'm doing better too. I accepted the food tasters and have been better. I need to build trust that you won't go behind my back even if to help me."

"That's fair," he accepted. "And you're right. I do put everything in the context of my parents after they were mated for fifty years, not just dating or… Okay, I'll tone it back. Maybe check with Izzy if something comes up." He bobbed his head but then smiled.

"What?" I asked, not sure why he was smiling.

He gestured between us. "This is healthy. We're communicating and talking about healthy boundaries and—I like this. We work well when we're fighting for Faerie, but this is nice too." He frowned when I didn't say anything. "It's not for you."

"It's not not for… This part gives me anxiety, Nel. All of it. Five is a lot. It always blows up. I don't want to keep hurting all of the time. Things are finally calm, but I'm going lose my dad soon and…" I swallowed loudly and looked away, trying to hide that my hands were shaking. "I don't want to risk going back to being scared of you or you hating me."

"I could never hate you now that I know you," he said gently. "Never. Even if we don't work out. So tell me the rest. Please?"

I sighed and finished my drink as I thought about how I wanted to say what I was feeling. Then it all just came out in a bit of a ramble. Mostly it was my confusion about how he was framing things now.

We had been talking about sex . He didn't want me to regret us having sex. That was what had been on the table, and he wanted us to have sex and not just one hookup, so… What was the rest of this? Did he want to date in secret? So not just join me in bed with my mates? And what did that mean?

If we were going to date in secret then we weren't going to jump to sex. Lucca and I were just having dates and yeah, he joined my mates in naughty fun, but we weren't having sex. So how would I do that with Neldor but not Lucca? That would land me in some hot water for sure.

That made it completely different than we gave in and had sex and were having sex because we couldn't be more because people were crazy. That was what I'd thought we'd been talking about. But Neldor had talked about taking a chance on us and sounded serious about relationships and that was all different in my mind.

More serious too and just—he had always asked me to admit I wanted him, not take a chance on us. So now my answer would depend on what he was really asking me for and what he wanted.

And like what did he really want?

The look he gave me as if I'd grown another head and was maybe speaking a language he'd never heard before when I was done getting it all out made a pit grow in my stomach. I knew that look well. It was also a bit of "holy shit, she be crazy" mixed in for sure.

And I felt really, really stupid.

"Forget it," I whispered, taking down the barrier and leaving before he even said anything, still blinking at me.

He looked almost relieved when I pushed open the door to leave as I glanced back over my shoulder. Like he'd just dodged a bullet.

Great. Well, that was one way to handle the drama and possible heartache.

Just avoid it by giving him a taste of my crazy so he bailed before anything could really happen.

Awesome. Seriously.

I wasn't shocked that a large box of raw crystals was waiting for me in my first class. After I had accidentally invented the weather crystal, now when people felt I would change the weather around me with my mood, raw crystals were brought to me as a subtle hint to get out this magic before I flooded Kansas.

Again.

Cara and Jordan had some stocked up at one of my houses and my security knew where to grab them. Then after the weather crystals were made they were… I had no idea where they were stored. My security handed them over to Iolas and they were locked up somewhere.

As I sat there and made them to get my upset out, I had an idea and put a meeting on the books to discuss them. Actually, it could be a project for my class with Lageos as well. Or even just one homework assignment with how hard he was pushing.

And I didn't even blame him. I needed to push my magic given how the clock was running down on us working together.

I felt a portal open and glanced up to find Neldor walking through it. I flinched at seeing him but then glanced around when I realized he froze all the fairies there including Sontar.

While I was distracted, he cupped my face and brushed his lips over mine before kneeling in front of me.

"I'm sorry, baby doll."

Huh? Just… Huh?

He must have understood the confusion on my face. "My brain exploded. You're right that this is way more complicated than I realized. I didn't see any of that and I couldn't—my mouth was just—I'm sorry. I saw how hurt you were at my inability to make my brain process it all, but I couldn't move or—I'm sorry."

I glanced at the clock. It had been over an hour since I'd left him there. I'd had breakfast, showered, and gotten ready for my day since then. "Have you been there this whole time?"

He nodded. "I just stared off into space. I couldn't—it was like white noise as I tried to process what you said." He moved his hands over my knees. "And you were right. You are always the smarter one and absolutely right that there is more we should consider and talk about." He let out a slow breath. "Part of what I was…"

"What?" I pushed when he seemed hesitant. I got frustrated when he didn't seem like he was going to tell me. "I blurted out all of that and left thinking you couldn't handle my crazy. Do you have any idea how much that hurt?" I waved at the finished weather crystal as if to make my point. Then I gestured to the ten others.

He simply winced.

Yeah, idiot.

"I felt like an asshole," he admitted.

"Go on," I chuckled.

He stood with a sigh and sat on the desk across from me. "I was getting upset that I was thinking about this and you didn't seem to care." He gestured between us to signal what "this" was like I didn't already know.

Actually, I preferred him to be crystal clear given how often I seemed to be out of step with the men in my life.

Or people in general. Yes, being specific and clear was always best.

"We're on my mind all of the time. I'm worried about—and it didn't seem like you were. It hurt. I was getting… Salty. You always correct me to say salty." He let out a small chuckle and shook his head.

Yeah, I didn't know what that was about, and I was going to leave it alone.

"I think about it, Nel. I just have a lot else to think about. I don't mean to be a shit that I keep bringing up that I have five of you, but I have five of you."

He studied me and frowned. "You do, and there is clearly some point you are making, so I ask you state it bluntly so we have no misunderstandings. My feelings will be fine, and you aren't being rude when I ask."

Fair enough.

"You are a bit of a spoiled prince sometimes. Plus , you've gone through a lot of shit being a male royal in a fucked up society that doesn't appreciate them while still being sexist against women somehow. It's all a huge mindfuck, and I worry a lot that I can't be what you need when I have four other men in my life.

"I think that you need someone who dedicates their everything to you. And even if I didn't have Hudson, Julian, Lucca, and Darby, I could never do that. I'm going to be queen of a damn planet. A planet in serious trouble still and in recovery. I will never downplay what any of them have been through because they've all had their issues and traumas.

"Hudson and Julian especially have been through hell. Hudson understands you with the overthrows and—but you were in actual war before you were even a real adult, Nel. Switching sides to try and broker peace and trying to save a realm. You are just as wounded as I am. That takes a lot of help and healing, and I'm terrified I won't be enough and you'll resent me."

He didn't say anything for maybe the longest minutes of my life. "I think the fact that what you just said is one of your main worries for me is maybe the most reassuring thing you could have said that my emotions and heart are safe with you." He nodded when I couldn't hide my shock. " But all of what you said is valid. I didn't think about a lot of these points and I want to."

"Okay. So where does that leave us?" I checked.

"You talk to who you were going to, and I need a bit of time to think about what you said," he answered. "Then when we have our answers, we talk again." He shrugged. "I don't want to hurt you either, Tams. I want to do this right and not make the mistakes they've made or ones I have made again."

"Okay." That seemed a bit too up in the air for me, but it was fair.

Even if he was the one pushing for answers and to move forward.

But it was better to hit the brakes now and assess things. I got that. Just frustrating.

He stood but then opened his mouth and closed it before trying again. He shook his head and sighed. "I hear you—I heard you on all of that. I truly did, but I think once you get Faerie back to working the way it should have, ruling it won't actually be that difficult."

I snorted and crossed my arms over my chest.

He bit back a smile but continued, probably realizing how condescending that sounded. "I have experience this time. My mother—most of her day was fighting against bullshit. More than I even ever knew and corruption. Look how far we've come without that. Look how much we've done with real help—how much fairies have done."

I sighed. "And how would the day-to-day of Faerie be if we all worked together like that." I nodded when he did. "I understand what you're saying, but I just can't picture it. It's like what Izzy said about in ten years. I can't… I've spent my entire life just struggling to make it through the day or week. I don't think I know how to look ahead like that."

"Something to learn how to do together since it's not my best ability either." He dipped his head to me and unfroze everyone before opening a portal and leaving.

I held my hands up in surrender when Sontar frowned. "I didn't do it. Yell at him."

It was hard not to laugh when the fairy simply sighed. But then he seemed to notice my mood was better, so clearly Neldor had been the reason for my upset.

Yeah, and no matter what we decided, I saw that being the answer a lot in the future.