Chapter 15 In which I realize its too late to spare myself pain

When I wake up the next morning, I don’t feel much better. My eyes are gritty from tears, my nose is stuffy and I still feel sticky with sweat from dancing. I roll over, wincing at the black smears on the white fabric and then kick myself for the guilt that tries to rear up for staining their pillow case.

It’s their fault.

It’s Maddox’s fault. He’s the one that locked me in here without the chance to do my normal nightly routine. My eyes flick to the door as if that will tell me if it’s been unlocked or not. But of course it doesn’t. My bladder is beating out a frantic tattoo against my uterus though, so I groan and push myself up from the bed, then make my way over to the door totally, butt ass naked.

I let out a breath when the handle turns and I’m able to crack it open the slightest bit. I peer through the slit, find the hall empty, and then yank the door open and run to the bathroom. Or at least I try to, but at that exact moment, the door to the gym opens and the prime asshole himself steps out, all sweaty and shirtless, wearing only a pair of athletic shorts and running shoes, a water bottle gripped in his fist.

He draws up short when he sees me, dark green eyes running from the top of my messy head, over my puffy red-rimmed eyes and mascara smeared cheeks down my very naked body. My nipples pucker and between my legs grows wet at his perusal, at the heat in his eyes. My omega wants to drop to the ground right there in the hallway and present for him, the events of last night apparently forgotten at the sight of him sweaty and half naked. But I’ve been a beta far longer than I’ve been an omega and I clamp down on that instinct hard.

This is the asshole that locked you in your fucking room last night, I all but snarl internally. He’s the one who called you nothing. Only trouble. He does not deserve to have you fawn over him like he’s your alpha. Not until he starts acting like it.

With that reminder, my omega stops panting. Fucking good.

He’s still looking at me hungrily, so I arch a brow and fold my arms over my chest. Maybe I should run in the other direction, embarrassed at being caught naked, but also why would I be, when it’s obvious he likes what he sees.

He mirrors my position. “Do you often walk around naked, trouble?”

I grit my teeth to keep from flinching. “All the fucking time,” I say sweetly. It’s true. When I’m in my own space, I love being naked. And since I live alone, there’s usually not anyone to see me. “But in this case, I’m naked because an asshole locked me in my room without giving me a chance to use the restroom or retrieve my things. You’ll note the smears of makeup on my cheeks and the wild hair because of a lack of a hairbrush. My clothes were sweaty from dancing and I didn’t want to put them back on. If it makes you uncomfortable, maybe don’t be a dick next time you find your omega.”

His brows arch at my use of the words ‘next time’. But I don’t give him a chance to say anything, because my bladder really needs relief and I need to not stand here under his heated gaze and listen to him be a grade A asshole again. As his lips part, I spin, giving him a view of my ass, and stride into the bathroom with my head held high.

Just as I close the door, there’s a thump on the other side. Then he tries the handle, but it’s locked. Ha. How do you like them apples, asshole? “Sadie!” he calls through the door. “Open up.”

“Nope. I’d rather not. Thank you very much. I have better things to do.” Like peeing.

I don’t even care if he can hear me through the door. There is no stopping me. After I’ve finished and washed my hands, I rifle through my bag and find my hairbrush and a clean set of clothes, setting them on the counter before I take a nice long shower, finally washing off the remains of the night before. I feel a million times better once I’m clean.

The hot water washes away the lingering grit from my eyes and the fog from my brain. Last night I was too upset to understand where they were coming from, Luca’s anger and Ethan’s worry.

Of course they’re worried. Their instincts demand it from them. Especially Luca. Whether he likes it or not, I am his bonded omega, and I disappeared yesterday. I’m about ninety percent sure most of his anger was actually possessive jealousy after hearing I danced with another alpha.

I shiver when I think about the way he pinned me against the wall by my throat, the growl of his voice when he called me his. I know part of that is just his alpha instincts, but part of him must actually want me too, right?

But if it’s only instinct, only the bond between us that makes him want me, that makes him care, is that enough?

No. I don’t think it is.

The hallway is empty when I step out of the bathroom, clean and moisturized. I follow my nose to the kitchen, where there’s a pot of coffee waiting. As I help myself to a cup, I note that over half of the chocolate cake is gone now.

There’s a brief flicker of pride that they clearly enjoyed it enough to eat most of it, but then I remember how I spent hours alone yesterday and then ate dinner by myself and I push that flicker away.

If the quiet in the penthouse is anything to go by, today is shaping up to be another lonely, boring day. I imagine as soon as Maddox saw me this morning, he sent all of his pack members out of the house to avoid me. To avoid them getting to know me. I have no clue what his problem is with me, but it’s apparent that there is one.

I don’t know what I can do to change that.

Maybe don’t stomp out of the penthouse like a petulant child throwing a tantrum without leaving a note?

I snort at the thought. They don’t tell me where they’re going. Why should I have to tell them? It’s not like they were actually worried about me. Luca was pissed that I let someone else dance with me in that possessive alpha instinct way. He wasn’t worried that something could have happened, only that someone touched what was his.

I imagine Maddox’s demand that I not leave the house without one of them is something similar. They don’t want me, but they don’t want anyone else to have me either. Nothing more than a trophy for them to claim, to win, but not want. Which is very fucked up.

I lift my cup to drink more coffee, only to find that I’ve stood here alone in the kitchen, spaced out long enough for me to finish it. With a huff, I pour a second cup and then make my way over to the couch, flipping on the TV even though I know it won’t be enough to distract me, to keep me entertained. I should have grabbed my laptop when I ran home. Then I could spend my time looking for a job. Maybe I could borrow a tablet or a computer from one of the pack?

As soon as I have the thought, I dismiss it.

Maddox probably told them to not let me have any contact with the outside world.

I spend some time on my phone, scrolling through job listings, but it’s not like I can fill out applications on my cell. Or I guess I could, but it’d be annoying as hell.

After bookmarking some positions I want to look into later, I toss my phone to the couch with a groan.

God, I’m so fucking bored.

I’d thought being in the penthouse of the center pack of a mob organization would be more exciting than this.

I know it’s crazy for me to want something mafia related to happen, but I’m bored out of my goddamn mind. Mostly because they’ve left me alone. Again. Only this time there’s not even a courtesy note.

Though I can hear the faint hum of masculine voices down the hall opposite from where my room is. So someone must be here. I still haven’t seen them for hours.

Normally, I wouldn’t mind the quiet and the alone time. Before all of this happened, I enjoyed having time to myself… To an extent. But there was a reason I had a job that kept me busy, kept me moving. There was a reason I only lasted a few hours when I was at home before calling Sorrel or Sylvie to hang out.

If I’m inactive, I feel like I’m wasting my life.

I spent so much time being sick when I was younger, so much time lounging in bed, zoned out on TV, that now I hate doing that unless it’s a group activity. Like Liam Cordova movie nights with Sylvie and Sorrel.

The TV’s on, playing some show about selling expensive houses to rich packs. There’s an omega on the screen who is pouting about not finding the right nest. But it’s not enough to keep my attention.

I stand up from the couch, looking around the open space.

There must be something I can do.

Two hours later, I’m standing in the same spot, trying to figure out what else I can do.

After spending an hour in the gym, I showered again and spent thirty minutes on self care. I’ve had coffee and breakfast, a smoothie. I’ve already cleaned up any mess I made. My spartan bedroom is spotless, the corners of the bed made with military precision—well, at least for me.

My eyes flick up the stairs to the second floor and the nest I know is up there. Part of me wants to go look at it, see what they’ve done. Probably nothing. Maddox is pretty damn sure that he doesn’t want an omega. He’s said it repeatedly, so why would they have put any effort into preparing a nest?

Yeah, I’m not sure I need the visual reminder of just how unwanted I am here.

I wander into the kitchen, open the refrigerator and stare into the depths, before closing it and then sighing. Almost on autopilot, I scrounge through the cabinets until I find enough ingredients to make cookies. This is what I would do at home if I was bored and Sylvie and Sorrel couldn’t distract me.

Baking helps. It gives me something to do. So I’ll fucking bake up a storm until someone comes along to distract me.

Three hours later, I’ve made brown butter bourbon pecan chocolate chip cookies, a batch of cheddar, bacon and chive scones, and the dough for a loaf of crusty bread is on its second rise. I would have baked more, but I ran out of flour and I’m under strict instructions not to leave.

I still haven’t seen any members of my pack… er, the pack I’m currently staying with. Not my pack. Lunch time has come and gone. The kitchen is clean once again and I’m back to being bored and ignored.

Wonderful.

After a moment’s hesitation, I make up a plate of the scones and then the cookies and head toward the voices I’d heard earlier. Luca and Maddox must be hungry, and I can at least have a quick conversation with them. Some sort of human interaction to soothe the ache in my soul from being a bonded but unwanted omega.

Maybe I can ask them to get me more flour.

My palms are unaccountably sweaty. I can’t get the way Maddox looked at me last night out of my mind, just before he slammed the door and locked it. Like it was painful to look at me. Like he wanted nothing more than to scrub me from his pack bonds.

There’s a twinge in my chest that I ignore, walking on silent feet toward the slightly open door of the office.

I only have myself to blame for what happens next. I should have kept walking, knocked gently on the door to alert them to my presence. Instead, I paused when the low rumble of their voices reached me. Ostensibly to gather my nerves, but really it’s because I want to hear what they’re talking about.

It’s their own fault for leaving me alone for hours.

“Are we done yet?” Luca asks, sounding like a petulant child. My lips twitch.

“You got somewhere else to be, Luca?” Maddox sounds pissed like always.

“Jesus, Dox. You know I have about a million other things I would rather be doing right now.”

There’s a beat of silence. And then Maddox says. “We agreed not to move forward physically with Sadie.” I frown. Oh, shit. That hurts, the verification that Maddox has ordered them to stay away from me. “We can’t do anything about the bond, but we can keep it from getting any fucking stronger.”

Oh, yeah. Fuck. Fuck. Tears fill my eyes. My throat goes tight, and I let out a ragged breath in an attempt not to sob.

“I know you think it’s going to fade, Maddox. But it’s not going to.” Once again, Luca sounds frustrated by that fact, like he regrets it.

I bite my lip hard to keep from whining. This is fine. I want the bond to fade. Right? I don’t want to be with this pack. I don’t want to be with any pack. Right? Fucking right ? I can’t blame Luca for feeling the same as I do.

“What a fucking mess,” Maddox sounds weary as hell. “You bonded her without thinking, Luca. Brought someone into the pack without talking to us, without making sure it’s what the rest of us wanted. Which we all agreed is not at all what we wanted. Ever .” Maddox growls. And no matter how hard I fight it, I’m hit with such a sense of rejection that my knees crumple, making my shoulder hit the wall for support.

I know Maddox doesn’t like me or want me. I know he doesn’t want me to get to know the rest of his pack. But to hear him say it so plainly, that he doesn’t want me, hurts like a son of a bitch. Especially since my omega views him as my prime alpha, thanks to Luca’s bond.

“I know that, Dox. I know. Believe me. I am well aware I fucked up.” My heart clenches further and my eyes fill with tears. The plate in my hand wavers, a few cookies sliding off to thump onto the carpet. “But we’re stuck with her now, so we have to make the best of the fucking situation.”

Hearing this conversation right on the heels of what happened last night is the last straw.

I swallow a whine as I stumble back down the hall and to the kitchen. It’s amazing that my body can still function when I’m pretty sure my heart is gone. Ripped out of my chest. I’m like a chicken with my head cut off, that keeps living even without a vital organ in my body.

They don’t want me here. None of them, not even Luca, who bonded me without my consent. Why the hell am I still here, trying to make it work when they so clearly aren’t?

I stumble up to my bedroom and spot my bag on the floor by the bed. Thank god I didn’t actually unpack. I scoop it up and toss it over my shoulder before kicking my feet into my white Nikes.

I hurry through the apartment, making my way to the elevator. I can hear the raised voices still coming from Maddox’s office, so I’m not really concerned about one of them catching me.

Still, the minute that I wait for the elevator to arrive is probably the longest minute of my life. I let out a breath once the doors slide closed and I begin the descent to the ground floor. I pull out my phone and think about who’s best to call. My thumb hovers for a moment over my mother’s number, but I quickly disregard it, and continue down the list until I find Sylvie’s contact.

As I step out of the elevator and head across the lobby, I hit the call button and bring the phone to my ear. It rings through to voicemail and I hang up before looking up and down the street. I can’t stay here. I don’t particularly want to go home. They know where I live. And the last thing I want is for them to corner me in what is my safe space. Though, based on what I just heard, they probably won’t come after me.

I’m a situation they need to make the best of. Nothing but trouble.

I don’t have my car, and I don’t actually know where it is. Did they have someone bring it here? I glance back at the building, knowing I won’t be able to get into their private garage. They didn’t add me to the security system, so now I’m stuck out here on the street.

Fuck.

I tip my head back and look at the darkening sky. The last thing I want is to be wandering around the city all night. I’ll find a hotel and hole up there to make a plan. Which is really just going to be finding a way to get home. I already know it. It’s not like I have the ability or the need to start fresh.

Focusing on a plan helps the omega in my chest to stop hurting so much, distracting her from the rejection. Thank god it’s not a fated mate rejection. The last thing I need is to come down with Rejected Mate Disorder like Sylvie has.

Though… this feels an awful lot like she described.

Her pack was also her scent match… or at least she thought they would be. She hadn’t actually matched them when they rejected her, since she hadn’t yet revealed as an omega. But they’d promised her repeatedly that she would be theirs, a member of their pack, and those promises stuck on a soul deep level, resulting in a rejected mate bond as soon as she presented.

She’s been living with it for seven years.

Fuck, I’m going to end up like Sylvie, aren’t I? Pining after a pack that doesn’t want me, unable to touch anyone else. Years and years of sickness and hurt and… Fucking fuck! I didn’t realize that on some level, I actually wanted this to work. I wanted them to want me, to bond with me.

Apparently, on some level, part of me truly thought they would be mine, and now… now they’re rejecting me. Maybe not in so many words, but abandonment is a form of rejection, isn’t it?

I’ll have to go to the doctor, get on suppressants. It’s the only thing that helped Vee deal with her pain. Maybe I should reach out to Dr. Schwab and- I cut that thought off before it fully forms.

No. If I can avoid going back to that office, I will. Sylvie has a doctor in Alver City, where she lived with the Kinsella pack before she moved up to Lake Kilrose. I’ll see if I can get in to see her.

With that in mind, I shoot my friend a text as I head down the street.

Me:

Hey, Vee. I got myself into a bit of a pickle,

And I’m still in the city. If you’re around, can we get together?

If not, no big deal.

I’ll see you back at the lake.

I tuck the phone in my pocket and look up, catching sight of a hotel not far down the street. I should take the time to get farther away, but with every step I take away from pack Falcone, the more the ache in my chest grows. So it will have to do.

“Sadie!” A voice roars down the road, making my steps draw up short and the people around me look around in confusion. I try my hardest not to turn, but my body has a mind of its own, and I spin, finding Maddox barreling toward me. He looks pissed as hell, and that is enough to make me take off running. “Sadie! Get your ass back here right fucking now!”

“Leave me alone!” I cry over my shoulder, not slowing my steps. I barrel right past the hotel and keep going, dodging down an alley, hoping like hell he won’t follow. But of course I’m not so lucky. His footsteps pound after me, closer than before. “I’m doing you a favor, asshole.”

“ Omega, stop. ” He barks out and my feet come to a sudden stop right before the end of the alley. Gritting my teeth, I try to move, to keep running. But his alpha command has me stuck in place.

“Sadie, look at me.” It’s not a command, but I do it anyway. He pauses in the middle of the alley, giving me space even though I can’t go anywhere. This is my first time being under an alphas command and I have to say I hate it.

Whatever Dox sees on my face has him stumbling back a step, his face crumpling slightly before he wipes his expression. “Trouble, where are you going?”

I fold my arms over my chest and tip up my chin. “I’m doing you a favor, Maddox,” I repeat.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

I flap my hands between us. “You obviously don’t want me. You’ve made that more than clear. If the prime alpha of a pack doesn’t want an omega, it’ll never work. I’m doing you a favor by leaving. You can blame me. Tell them I didn’t want to stay.”

Maddox runs one big hand down his face, shaking his head. “How the hell did I fuck this up so badly?” I think I hear him mutter before he meets my eyes. “Come back to the apartment and we can talk, okay? It’s not safe for you to be out here.”

I scoff and shake my head, taking a step back, and thanking god when I’m able to move. “No, I’m fine. I’ve lived a full twenty-five years without you. I can see myself through the city.”

He takes a step toward me, mirroring my movements. The only problem is his stride is a hell of a lot longer than mine, so he’s eating up the distance faster than I can make it. “ Stop, ” he growls out again and once again I stall out.

“You fucking dick. Stop doing that!” I shout at him, hands fisting at my sides. His eyes widen and he lunges forward, one hand reaching for me and the other going to the holster I know he keeps at the base of his spine. He’s going to fucking shoot me now?

I scream and duck, throwing my hands up like that will stop him. But rough hands clamp under my armpits and haul me backward. “What-”

I struggle as Maddox whips his gun out and points it at the asshole behind me. “Let her go, right the fuck now.”

He’s so focused on me, he doesn’t notice two men ruching up behind him. “Maddox!” I cry, bucking against the man holding me, desperate to get to him. He moves just in time, swinging his gun and firing. I scream and buck harder, my legs and arms flailing, striking out at any bit of my captor I can reach. I’m spun around and my head cracks against a hard surface, bouncing off as pain radiates through my head, face and neck.

“ Stop fighting , you little bitch.” I sag immediately. The command taking control of my body even as my mind rages against it. Even as I try desperately to fight.

“Sadie!” Maddox roars from somewhere behind me. “ Fight your fucking ass off .”

The conflicting alpha commands grapple for control of my body, fight for dominance. I know which one I want to follow, know which one I want to win, but in the meantime, it feels like I’m being ripped in half.

A whine pulls from my chest, my omega terrified and confused. My hands shoot up and I push against the man trying to shove me into a van. “Get off me!” I whimper. It’s not as strong as I would like, but it’s enough to take him by surprise. My nails rake down his cheeks and he roars in pain. A second later, pain explodes on the side of my face, my eyes roll into the back of my head and then there is only darkness.