Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

Ash

Sawyer kneeled over me, face tense and eyes distant. I didn't know what was going on inside his head.

My heart thundered. I'd just told him I couldn't keep doing this if he still hated me, but what if I'd pushed him too much? It would hurt like hell if he walked away now. Despite the angry make-outs, I'd gotten my best friend back this past week.

The dry humor. The sarcasm. The adorable grin he wore when he talked waterskiing or wakeboarding with some of the boaters who came through. He still loved playing on the lake, and I loved the idea that some of my fondest memories of him remained true.

Sawyer whooping with sheer joy the first time he'd rode the wake behind his dad's boat.

Sawyer crashing hard, and me diving in to check on him, only for him to surface with unhinged laughter at the exhilaration of it.

That was a Sawyer I hadn't seen in a long time.

This Sawyer, the one who kissed me, the one who blew his load with me, was not that same joyful kid. But there was a spark in him, a vibrant flare of life, that reminded me of the guy I'd known for all those years before cold, painful distance separated us.

"I don't hate you," he said finally.

My whole body unclenched, as if it had been awaiting a verdict. I blew out a shaky breath. "You have every right."

He raised one dark eyebrow. "Do I?"

It wasn't sarcasm. It came across like an honest question.

I sat up, and my board shorts shifted, wet and sticky, against me. "Let's go talk in the water. If we wait and customers show up…"

Sawyer hopped to his feet. "Good idea."

For a moment, I thought he might use the opportunity to escape this talk. Escape me. But then he grabbed my hand and hauled me to my feet.

"Race ya," he said with a smirk. "Last one in is a rotten egg!"

Then he took off, yanking his shirt over his head and tossing it aside as he ran.

"Hey!" I ran after him, doing the same. "You cheater!"

It reminded me so much of our childhood I lost some momentum from laughing. Sawyer reached the edge and took a flying leap, looking like he was running through space for a second before gravity took hold. He plunged into the lake with a splash. I followed with a more graceful dive.

The cool water swept in, washing away the evidence of what we'd done. Or most of it, anyway. I used my hand to scrub away the rest.

Sawyer treaded water a few feet away. I swam toward him. "So…you really don't hate me?" I asked.

"You think I should?"

I bit my bottom lip. This was hard to say. "I messed up. Big-time. So, yeah. Maybe I deserve that."

"You apologized to me once already," Sawyer said. "Did you mean it?"

"Of course I did."

He nodded. "And you and Mel…"

"Friends only. For years now."

He tilted his head. "I thought you guys were sorta on again and off again? Friends with benefits? Something like that."

"Eh…not really."

"Ash," he said tightly. "This isn't gonna work if you're evasive. If you want me to believe you?—"

"I didn't mean to be evasive," I said quickly. "It's just, our relationship is weird. Not everyone gets it."

"Great," he muttered. "You're so fucking special."

"No, no. That came out wrong."

Sawyer started to float away from me, so I slung my arms around his neck and pulled myself tight against him. Our bare chests slipped and slid in the water, and damn, I never knew it could feel so good to press up against all the hardness of a man.

But I should have.

I'd been noticing guys for a while. Mel had clocked it before I had. When we hung out, she'd occasionally point out a guy she found hot on the television or even around town. Sometimes I agreed. Sometimes I wrinkled up my nose and pointed out the much hotter guy we'd seen a few minutes ago.

She'd called me on it. I'd denied it meant anything at first, but after a while, I'd come to see that maybe I did have an appreciation for the male body that went beyond the strictly straight bounds.

I'd even realized that my hookup with her in high school had been more about missing Sawyer than it had been about wanting her.

But…over the years, we'd occasionally used the excuse we were dating as a crutch.

"Mel has an asshole ex who lives in town, and so sometimes, if he's giving her grief, we tell people we're dating again," I told Sawyer. "And sometimes, when my parents started making noise about setting me up with someone, I'd tell them Mel and I were together. But we weren't. We haven't been in a really long time."

"How long?"

"Since we dated for real? Summer after high school, I guess."

Sawyer looked incredulous. "And you're telling me you two haven't hooked up since then? Just for old times' sake or because you aren't with someone else?"

"We haven't."

"Not even when you were drunk and horny?" he demanded.

I shook my head. "We're not into each other like that. We're super close friends and we've even been roommates, but…"

I hesitated. Sawyer's eyes narrowed. "What? Just tell me."

"I don't want you to think I'm just saying this to make you feel better, or to make you think I didn't fuck everything up between you and me. This is just the truth."

"Okay…"

"Mel and I were never good in bed," I admitted. "It was just…something was always missing."

"You're honestly telling me you were bad at sex?"

"No. Hell no. I'm fucking great at sex. Didn't you just come your brains out with me?"

He turned bright red, and okay, maybe it was still too soon for him to handle talking about coming with a guy.

"I did all the work," he muttered.

"Because you wanted to and I let you, but…yeah. You were fucking great, Saw. It's different with you."

His gaze searched mine. "I feel different with you too."

"I regret hurting you back then. You moved away, and you weren't returning calls or texts, and hell, I even showed up once to hang out and you acted like I wasn't there."

"I was a fucking mess over my family falling apart, Ash."

I nodded. "I see it now. In hindsight. At the time…" I exhaled. "I don't know what to say, Sawyer. I was a stupid kid, and I made it about me. About how you didn't really want to be friends anymore."

Sawyer pulled away from me. "So you fucked my girlfriend to get even?"

"No! No, I'd never do that." I shook my head emphatically. "Mel and I were just both…sad and lonely, I guess? We missed you."

He laughed bitterly. "So, it's my fault you hooked up."

"Of course not, Sawyer!" I slapped my hand into the water, flinging droplets this way and that. My inability to get this out the right way frustrated me to no end. "None of it was your fault. I was stupid. You broke up with her. I felt like you'd ditched me. We were just two idiots who didn't think it through."

"Okay, fine. Let's say I believe that. What about the fact you kept dating?"

I shrugged uncomfortably. "You hated me for what I did. I figured, I'd ruined our friendship, so I might as well keep seeing her. Otherwise, I'd blown up everything for nothing, you know?"

"That's some backwards logic."

"Yeah, probably." I quirked my lips in a tentative smile. "I never said I was the sharpest crayon in the box."

"You're plenty smart, Ash."

"Not smart enough to see how much you were hurting or how much you needed me to keep trying to be there for you. I'm sorry, Sawyer. Really, if I could change it all, I would."

"There's no going back," Sawyer said.

"I know. So…" I swallowed hard. "Is it possible to go forward with me? After all that?"

"I don't know."

My heart clenched hard. I knew that this might be the outcome of our conversation. I didn't have a good excuse for what happened with Mel. Sawyer had broken up with her, but I'd still broken the bro code. I knew it, and he knew it. I'd fucked up at a time when he'd most needed a loyal friend.

"I fucked up too," he said.

I blinked in surprise to find Sawyer moving in close. "How?"

"I did push you away. All of you."

"We should have tried harder."

"Maybe." He raised a hand to my face. "Or maybe I should have let you in."

My throat grew tight. "You could let me in now?"

"I don't know how to do this, Ash."

"Be with a guy?"

"Be with you."

I flinched back, but he drew me in for a kiss. "I'm not saying it to be an ass. I've just spent a long time with this grudge. It's like a comfortable sweater, you know? I'm trying on new clothes, but…sometimes I might just forget and wear it again."

"Then I'll just have to undress you and remind you that things have changed."

He smirked. "You just want me to fuck you."

I barked a laugh. "Yeah, I do. You've got me all curious."

He rolled his eyes. "Is that all this is? Curiosity?"

"I think you know it's not. We were best friends once. I want that again."

"Friendship."

"At the minimum."

He looked conflicted. "I can't promise you more than friends and fucking. We have all this history, all this baggage, and it doesn't just go away with one conversation."

I nodded. "Yeah, I figured. But you said you didn't hate me. That true?"

"Yeah." He looked annoyed. "I tried hating you. Wouldn't stick. You infuriate me. You rile me up, always have. You get under my fucking skin, Ash, and I can't take it anymore. I can't walk away, because I have to scratch this fucking itch that only you give me. It's frustrating as hell, if you want to know the truth. I fucking hate that I can't hate you."

It wasn't a love confession, but damn, it was sweet victory, just the same. Sawyer might not be over everything that went down between us, but he wanted me more than he despised me, and that was something to work with.

I dragged him into a filthy wet kiss that had my cock trying to harden even in the cold water.

Sawyer pulled me tighter against him, giving as good as he got, until the sound of a boat motor interrupted the moment.

"We better get back to work," he rasped.

"Yeah." I cleared my throat. "Gotta keep working on my menu. Jerk-off chicken, you said? Maybe I'll put it on the menu in honor of today's festivities."

I turned and started swimming back toward the boat, smile overtaking my face as Sawyer's laughter followed.

We finished out the day in a comfort zone of friendly jabs and kisses. We weren't boiling over with frustration, weren't using stupid excuses to kiss. Now we could kiss simply because we liked it.

Liked each other.

It was too much to hope it'd ever be more than that.

But getting my friend back? That was the best gift I could have expected. Getting my friend back with some red-hot action on the side? That was sweet icing on the cake.

"Hey, Saw," I said. "What do you think of ‘Holy Crab Cakes!'"

He laughed. "Now, that one I like."

"Really?"

"It's almost as good as ‘Holy Shi-take Sandwich."

I flung an oven mitt at him. "No shit in my food, thanks."

He laughed. "My bad. I thought you were going for tasteless."

"Tacky, yes. But never tasteless. I'm a goddamned great chef, and don't forget it."

"How could I when you remind me every five minutes?" he teased.

"I could remind you of something else I'm good at," I said with a wink.

He rolled his eyes. "We both know I'm the one who's good at that. Don't worry. I'll serve you the best meal you've ever had real soon."

My gaze flicked to his crotch of its own volition. When I glanced up again, he smirked. "Knew you wanted my dick."

"You are a dick," I shot back.

We continued bantering and trash-talking the rest of the day, all through cleanup, packing up, and hauling everything inside the resort. I wasn't sure when I'd had so much fun. It reminded of the playful taunting we'd given each other when we competed in the same sports in high school.

Before we'd become true rivals.

Before I'd fucked up everything and gotten only silence in return.

"Want me to wait and give you a ride?" Sawyer asked as we made our last trip back into the kitchen. I still had to check in with Vera and give her a rundown of the leftovers we had that she could incorporate. I was happy to say I had fewer to share today, but still more than I'd like.

"Tempting," I teased. "But I'll be here a while."

I'd love to invite him back to my place for some more fucking around. But I'd already made plans for Mel to take me by parents' place to pick up the rest of my stuff. Knowing Rick, he really would throw it out if I didn't. He hadn't been very pleased that I couldn't take everything on the last trip over there.

If Mom hadn't insisted he chill out, he probably would have made good on his threats. I didn't know what took me so long to get out from under his thumb, but now that I was, I couldn't remember how I'd coped with his shit day after day.

Now, I just needed Mom to get the hell out of there too.

I followed Sawyer into the hallway. "Hey, before you leave…"

He turned, eyebrows raised. "Already missing me?"

I chuckled. "I just wanted to thank you."

"For offering you a ride? It's no big deal. It's on the way."

"Not just that. For helping me this week when it was the last thing you wanted to do."

He shifted, looking uncomfortable. "It's not like I had a choice."

"You could have refused."

"Eh, well, I didn't want you to drown out there and give the resort a bad name."

I rolled my eyes. "Just take the thank you, asshole."

He smirked. "Fine. You're welcome. Just don't ever ask me to do it again."

"No? I thought you had some fun."

"Maybe a little." He pinched my ass, making me jump. "Just don't go around telling everyone. It'll ruin my cred."

"Don't want them all to know you don't hate me anymore?" I asked uncertainly.

"Nah, it's not that," Sawyer said. "My friends know we've been kissing and shit."

Now that surprised me.

"I just don't want people to think I'm a pushover. Tell them I was a huge pain in the ass, all right? I don't want to get volunteered for any more jobs. The one I've got is enough."

"Well, I guess it's not much of a lie," I mused. "You were a pain in the ass."

He shoved me. "And if you're lucky, I'll be an even bigger one."

With a cocky swagger, he left me in the hallway, strutting away like a guy who knew that he was gonna hold me down and fuck my ass real soon.

The thought sent a dark thrill through me, and I just stood there, watching him go, fantasies rampaging through my brain and my cock half hard in my pants, until Mel's text about heading to my parents' place jolted me out of it.

Damn, talk about a boner killer.

I packed away my fantasies along with the leftover food and headed to the dock, where Mel had agreed to pick me up.

I didn't want my memories of today tainted by my slimy stepdad. But later? I'd be pulling them out to examine, one by one, when I was alone in bed. Possibly with my cock in my hand.

Hell, if I felt really adventurous, maybe I'd even text Sawyer and let him know what I was doing.