Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

Sawyer

The Rusty Hook pub was the most casual place in town to kick back with a beer—and a regular hangout for me and my friends the past few years.

Mostly because Brooks used to be the bar manager and worked so much it was practically the only time we could see him. Now? It was for nostalgia's sake.

I spotted Cash by the bar, ordering a pitcher of beer for everyone—and buzzing around Declan like a bee in heat. Did bees go into heat? Well, if they did, Cash had it down.

I clomped across the rough-hewn wooden plank flooring and pulled out a seat at the old barrel that had been converted to a table. The decor here was rustic, but it worked for us.

"Hey, sorry I'm late." I dropped into the chair with a groan. "The lake is getting busier, so the food boat stayed out a little longer tonight."

"That's all right," Skylar said, breaking off his conversation with Poppy. Those two had become close friends. "How's it been working with Ash?"

"Hmm. Well…" I didn't quite know how to answer that. "Weird?"

Brooks lifted an eyebrow. "Weird is better than terrible, I guess."

I shifted and looked around the bar. "Uh, yeah. We've…figured out some anger management."

"Just as long as you're not throwing him into the lake," Brooks said, only half joking.

I chuckled. "Uh no. I only did that once."

"Dude, no way!" Fisher exclaimed.

"You didn't!" Poppy added with wide eyes.

"Oh, he did," Brooks said in a measured tone. "Sawyer wouldn't just make that up."

"Oh no," Skylar murmured. "I set this up, thinking it would help. But perhaps I was too optimistic."

"It's fine, guys," I said. "He needed to cool off."

Fisher snorted with amusement. "Damn, man. You really don't like him, huh?"

"It's complicated," I said evasively.

A week ago, I would have answered with an unequivocal, yeah, I hate that guy. After kissing him—multiple times—I was conflicted. Ash still got under my skin. Kissing him was the only way to shut him up—and stop my irritation in its tracks, but… I wasn't an idiot. It wasn't normal to kiss a guy to defuse an argument.

Brooks and Skylar exchanged a look, and judging by the twitching eyebrows and tilted heads, there was a whole conversation happening I wasn't going to like.

"Okay, got the beer." Cash plonked the pitcher down in the center of the table. "What did I miss?"

"Nothing," I said.

Just as Brooks said, "Sawyer threw Ash in the fucking lake, and apparently if he's not going to grow up, we're going to have to set him straight with a friendervention."

I laughed. "Set me straight. That's funny."

"Why is that funny?" Brooks asked.

Cash looked at me knowingly. "Because he's into Ash."

"Cash, I don't think?—"

"Have you kissed again?" Cash interrupted as he took his seat across from me.

"Right before I threw him in the lake."

Skylar looked concerned. "Did he kiss you again without asking? Once could be a misunderstanding, but twice?—"

"No," I said quickly. "It wasn't like that. I, uh…kissed him. To shut him up."

Cash smirked. "Sure. That's why you did it."

"It is," I insisted. "We wind each other up constantly, and it's the only way to shut it down."

"Okay, now we definitely need a friendervention," Brooks said.

"Why? I'm just dealing with the situation you all put me in!"

"Come on, bro," Cash said. "I annoy the shit out of you, and you've never kissed me."

"And Cash probably would have kissed you back," Fisher added with a snicker.

"Ash kissed me back every time it happened, thank you very much."

"Every time?" Brooks said. "Just how many times are we talking about here?"

I lifted the pitcher and poured a beer. This conversation had gotten way more personal than I'd intended. I'd only meant to reassure them that I didn't need a freaking intervention for throwing Ash overboard.

"Does it matter? You all wanted me to find a way to work with Ash, so I did. No friendervention needed."

"Agree to disagree," Brooks said.

"Who appointed you boss of the friendervention?" I muttered before picking up my pint glass and taking a long gulp.

Watered-down piss beer rolled over my tongue, and I screwed up my face as I swallowed. "What the hell is this crap?"

"It's the special on tap," Cash said. "You buy if you want to be picky."

I sighed and took another long swallow, cuz shit beer or not, I needed it to get through this conversation.

"Sawyer, we're just concerned about you," Skylar said.

He was so fucking sweet I didn't doubt he meant that.

Fisher added, "You all friendervented me just for having a crush. This is way weirder."

I flipped him the bird. "Your crush was OTT."

"Kissing a guy to avoid strangling him is OTT," he shot back.

"You're all over the top," Poppy cut in. "Makes me glad I'm aromantic and I'll never have to deal with losing my mind over sex or romance."

"This isn't either of those things," I protested.

"Or maybe it's both," Cash added.

I pointed at him. "You're going on my shit list. No Christmas card for you this year."

He snorted. "I don't remember getting one last year."

"You were probably an ass then too," I grumbled.

"Sawyer, man, you know we love you," Brooks said. "But it's time you really face what's going on here."

"What's going on?" I said. "Tell me, because I don't fucking know."

"I think you do," he said softly.

I shook my head. I wasn't trying to be stubborn or obtuse. There were just too many thoughts and feelings to make sense of. I loved Ash like a brother. He broke my heart. He betrayed me. I hated him. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to shut that big mouth of his and make him whimper for me and—oh, shit.

I shifted, the thought making me a little hard.

Did I want it to go beyond kissing? To pin him to the floor and make him take my dick over and over?

"Fuck," I muttered, scrubbing a hand over my face. "My head's a mess. I don't know what I think about anything."

"Maybe you just need some time to process," Fisher said. "It took Hudson a while to understand what he wanted, because of his baggage. And you two have got a lot of baggage too."

"He's not wrong," Brooks said. "I know Ash hurt you. Maybe talking to him about it will help you figure out the rest."

"Just don't be biphobic," Cash said, his voice taking on an edge he rarely adopted. "You've kissed this guy more than once. You liked it or you wouldn't have kept doing it. Be real about what's happening here."

I chewed on my bottom lip. "Just because I like kissing him doesn't mean I like him."

"Maybe not, but it means you're not straight," Cash said. "Can you acknowledge that at least?"

"Don't rush him," Brooks said. "Everyone has to define their own sexuality. You know that."

Cash looked frustrated. "Maybe I'm tired of waiting on other people to figure their shit out. Maybe I just want to kiss a guy and have him know what the fuck he wants."

"I'm lost now," Poppy said.

"Me too," Fisher said. "I think maybe Cash is talking about his own frustrations as a bi guy?"

Leave it to Cash to make this about himself. "Maybe I want to kiss a guy and know what the fuck I want too, man. It's not that easy."

"Sure it is, Sawyer. If I kissed you right now, you'd know."

"No, I wouldn't."

"No?" He raised one dark eyebrow. "Then kiss me, bro. Kiss me and find out."

"What is happening right now?" Poppy murmured.

"I don't know, but I need popcorn," Fisher muttered.

"Cash, maybe don't poke the bear—" Brooks started to say, but it was too late. Cash had been winding me up and winding me up.

Every guy had his limits. I was annoyed and confused and conflicted, and hell, if kissing Cash gave me some answers, then fuck it.

I grabbed his face and laid one on him.

His eyes widened in shock and I felt…nothing.

Not the triumph that had lit me up when I'd gotten Ash where I wanted him. Not the rush of endorphins at the taste of him.

I wasn't repulsed. I was just…totally and completely unaffected.

I shoved Cash away. "Nothing. I feel nothing."

"Thanks, man. But you weren't exactly inspiring me to write poetry, either."

There was the loud screech of a chair, then stomping footsteps heading for the exit. When I glanced that way, Declan was slipping out the door.

"Shit," Cash muttered, hopping up. "I'll be back in a minute."

We all watched Cash race after his long-time infatuation. We'd teased Fisher about his crush on Hudson, but Cash had always had a weird interest in Declan. I'd assumed it was because the man barely noticed him when everyone else took notice, but maybe there was more to it.

"Maybe I'm not the only one who needs a friendervention," I said.

"Maybe not, but yours isn't over yet," Brooks said.

"I don't know what you want me to say. Things with Ash are volatile. It was punch him or kiss him, or I don't know, fucking swim back to shore, I guess."

"That sounds like fight or flight instincts," Skylar said.

"More like fuck or fight," Fisher added.

When Brooks gave him an unimpressed look, he said, "What? Cash left so I thought I should chime in."

Skylar ignored them, training serious blue eyes on me. "You need to figure out if you feel the same when you're not trapped on the same little boat together. Vera's been interviewing job applicants, so you'll be free of it next week."

"Oh, that's…good. I can go back to avoiding him."

"If that's what you want," Skylar said. "And if it's not, well, you'll have an opportunity to explore it outside of work. Which is probably better."

I winced, suddenly aware that I'd talked about kissing and tossing my coworker in the lake. In front of…if not my boss, my boss's boss? Sort of? The resort was an incestuous business with lots of partnerships, so I wasn't exactly sure how to define Skylar's role, except as top dog.

"Can you not tell Hudson, maybe…"

"As far as I'm concerned, frienderventions are confidential," Skylar said. "It doesn't need to go beyond this circle."

I turned to Fisher. "Does that go for you too? I know Hud is your boyfriend, but he's my boss."

"Don't worry," Fish said. "Hudson isn't that interested. Besides, we're getting ready for that trip to Granville next week. He's got other things on his mind."

"Oh, that's right," Skylar said. "You're visiting your cousins?"

"Yep, Wes and Beck are giving us a guest room," Fisher said. "I figure Hud can use a break before the busiest part of the season hits."

"It's already picking up," I said, relieved for the subject to change. "The food boat was slammed today."

"Yeah, the resort bookings are ramping up nicely," Skylar said, sounding pleased. "I didn't know how long it would take to get the word out, but the social media marketing we've done seems to be working."

"It's not a full house yet," Brooks said, "but the restaurant has been a big hit. With lunch more casual and dinner upscale—without being snobbish and overpriced like The Savory Swallow—it appeals to everyone."

"I just wish we could find a better replacement for the pub," Skylar said. "It's definitely not up to Vera's standard."

I nodded. "No one makes nachos like Mom."

Brooks snorted and tossed a coaster at me. "You and your freaking nachos. Your mom is so much better than that."

"I know she is," I admitted. "She's in heaven over at the resort where she can experiment with recipes."

"Ash is a lot like her, from what I hear," Skylar said, sounding cautious.

My lips twisted. "Maybe."

They both certainly took a lot of risks for what they loved. The only difference was, Ash had a wealthy stepdad to cushion him if the food boat failed.

It was a heck of a lot easier to take risks when you knew there was a safety net beneath you. But most of us weren't that lucky.

We had to risk our savings, our home, sometimes everything to our name. And if we lost, we lost big.

Just as my mother did.

And that was just a cost too high to pay.

The next afternoon, I mopped the kitchen floor while Ash wiped down the counters. We'd been slammed since we opened. Now that it was June and the weather had been heating up, the lake had been getting busier each day.

"Hey, what do you think about…Ex-squid-site Bites?" Ash asked. "Get it? Ex-squid-site, because it's calamari?"

He chuckled at his corny pun.

He'd been at it all day. Apparently, my mom had given him the idea to give his fancy foods sillier names or something. I wasn't really paying attention when he rambled about it this morning.

My head was still too full of friendervention. Of my friends' advice to face what was really happening with Ash. But how was I supposed to do that when I didn't fucking know?

Cash thought I was in denial, or had some internalized homophobic or biphobic shit spinning in my head. But it wasn't that. Hell no. I loved my queer friends, and how could I love and accept something for them but not for myself? No, that wasn't my hangup.

My hangup was Ash.

Ash.

I'd spent so long hating what he did. Hating him for it. How was I supposed to do anything else? Even if…

Ash got into my face. "Are you even listening to me? I am still your fucking boss."

"I'm just trying to get through my last day."

"So you've checked out? Is that it? Because this business matters to me, even if it doesn't matter to you."

I tossed the mop against the wall and grabbed his shoulders, moving on instinct to kiss his stupid mouth shut again, when my brain supplied that kiss from last night with Cash.

Where I'd felt absolutely nothing.

I pushed him away instead. I didn't need to test a kiss with Ash. We'd done it for days, and every time, I experienced something different.

Triumph. Domination. Elation.

The feeling that scared me the most? Joy.

I didn't want Ash to make me fucking happy.

"Sawyer?" He frowned. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fucking fine," I snapped. "Let's just work."

Ash rolled his eyes. "That's what I was trying to do. I've got to change this menu, because I refuse to stop serving the food I want. I need a new way to make it appeal to people."

"Well, Ex-Squid-site Bites is fucking ridiculous."

Ash grinned, his blue eyes lighting up. "Yeah? Then it's perfect."

"From frou-frou menu items to fucking jokes, huh?"

"If that's what it takes." His jaw tightened. "I'm going to make the food I want, and I'm going to make the people out there want it, damn it. I refuse to be a short-order cook flipping burgers all day."

"Jerk-off Chicken?" I suggested flippantly.

"Sawyer!" He laughed, eyes crinkling up. "That's terrible. I need to keep it family friendly."

I shrugged. "Good luck with that."

He stepped in close, lowering his voice. "I'm not opposed to the idea of, uh, jerking off something else, though. If you know what I mean…"

I sucked in a breath. "No idea. We should keep working."

"We've finally got a lull. We could take a dip in the lake?"

I took a step back. "Our clothes will just get all wet. I know how you hate that."

He grabbed the bottom of my T-shirt and tugged me back toward him. "So we'll take them off."

I pulled away. "We should catch up on the cleaning while we can."

Ash exploded. "Okay, what the fuck is wrong with you today?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"You hate cleaning. You always want to cool off during our downtime."

"And you bitch about it. So, now I want to clean, and you're still not happy? Fuck off, Ash."

"No. Uh-uh. Something is going on with you." He poked me in the chest. "What the fuck, Saw?"

I knocked his hand away. "Don't touch me."

"Why not? Usually it's the best way to get along. We start fighting, and then we start?—"

"Don't say it," I growled. "Don't fucking say it."

"Why?" he challenged. "Does that make it too real for you?"

"Fuck you, Ash. Fuck. You."

He threw up his hands. "Go ahead. Fuck me. We both know you want to! I'm sorry if that's too much for you to?—"

My pulse rushed in my ears, blotting out the rest of his words. I grabbed his throat, and in that moment, I really didn't know what I'd do. Choke him silent or slam him into the wall.

Or maybe I did know. Because when I jerked him forward, crashing our mouths together, there was no surprise. Not in his eyes or mine. Only sweet relief.

He opened his mouth and gave me his tongue easily. He moaned as our tastes mingled. My hat fell to the floor, and then his fingers tangled in my curls.

This kiss burned me up from the inside. There was no comparing it to the flat numbness of Cash's kiss. I'd known it all along. That's why I hadn't wanted to go there with Ash today.

He'd had to push. He'd had to provoke.

I spun him to face the wall, then pinned him there with my body. Ash was larger than me. He could buck me off, but he didn't. He just stood spread-eagled, ass tilted out, panting as I growled into his ear.

"You think you're so fucking smart."

"Kinda, yeah," he said.

I rubbed my raging hard-on along the crack of his ass. "How smart will you be when I'm shoving inside your ass, making you take me, tearing you up from the fucking inside?"

He quivered. "We can't…in the kitchen. Not sanitary."

"We'll just have to use our imagination then."

He whimpered. Straight-up whimpered when I stepped back.

"Turn around," I ordered.

Ash did as he was told. As much as he infuriated me, he took direction well when he was horny. He'd drop to his knees and blow me if I asked. He'd catch every drop to keep his kitchen sanitary.

My cock throbbed along with the thoughts playing out in my head. But I didn't want to stand here and receive. There was too much adrenaline pumping through my veins. I wanted to fuck , even if I couldn't fuck him.

I yanked him to me and kissed him hard, then shoved him to the floor, following him down.

Ash parted his legs, letting me settle against him, our hard cocks lining up.

"Sawyer," he said in a breathy voice. "I want you."

I could no longer think beyond the need hammering my body. The pulse pounding in my cock.

I ground our hips together, the friction on my cock painful and yet just what I needed. I fucked Ash right through our clothes, thrusting my hips again and again. Hard, then harder. Faster.

He grabbed my shoulders, dragging me down.

I latched my mouth to his neck, tasting the salt of his skin and sucking a bruise to mark him.

Shouldn't be doing this…not with Ash.

The thought flickered, then Ash arched to meet my next thrust, intensifying the pleasure rushing through me, and my thoughts floated away in a haze of lust.

"Never been fucked," he gasped as our bodies moved together.

I shoved his shirt up and slid a hand up to his furry chest, tugging the hair there and making him jerk. I flicked his nipple, then tugged and twisted.

He groaned. "But I'd let you. I'd let you fuck my ass, Saw. Even if it hurt. Even if?—"

I lost it, coming hard. One minute I was chasing the wave, and the next it was slamming me down, drowning me.

Ash cried out, jerking beneath me, and I felt the warmth of our cum soaking through the fabric between us.

"Fuck," I mumbled. "We're gonna have to jump in the lake again."

Ash laughed. "Yeah. I guess we'll swim with our clothes on. Who knew that would be sexier than skinny dipping?"

"Nothing sexy about sticky pants." I pushed up and away.

Ash reached for me, grasping my arm to keep me there. "Wait, Sawyer."

I tensed up. He tilted his head. "We can't keep doing this."

Surprise jolted through me. Despite how conflicted I was, disappointment hit hard and fast. "You didn't like it?"

"Of course I liked it." He tugged me into a kiss. It was soft and sweet and…weirdly soothing. "I mean, we can't keep pretending it's not happening. It's happening. I want it to keep happening. But…"

He looked nervous.

"But what?" I asked, wary.

I wasn't sure what I wanted him to say. It would be simpler if Ash put an end to it. But as conflicted as I was about my emotions, I knew after today that I couldn't resist the fire he lit in me.

The kiss with Cash didn't compare, but the truth was, the kisses with my last few girlfriends didn't either. Whether it was fighting or fucking, Ash got under my skin like no other.

"We need to talk about all our shit from the past. Once and for all."

Oh, fuck me. That was even worse than him saying no.

"I don't want to talk. I just want to fuck around."

"I know," he said, holding my gaze. "But it's talking or we both walk away from this. I can't keep doing this if I think you still hate me."

His voice broke on the word hate, and suddenly I felt like a shithead.

I kissed Ash. Used his body for my pleasure. And if I did that while hating him, it hurt him. And I didn't want to hurt him. Regardless of what happened with Mel, I couldn't stand the thought of that.

I was still angry. Still hurt by his betrayal. But somewhere along the way, the hate in me had been snuffed out.

Or perhaps just consumed by something larger and more intense.

Because I wanted Ash even more than I'd hated him.

And that was the truth my friends had wanted me to confront.