Chapter Nineteen

CHAPTER NINETEEN

S t. Sebastian heard the knock on the solar door.

He and Ming Tang had been trying to console his father about the impending loss of the Leviathan when there was a soft rap on the panel. Going to the door, he opened it to reveal Athdara on the threshold.

She smiled timidly. "I would like to speak with your father, if I may?" she asked.

St. Sebastian nodded and admitted her into the chamber. Athdara headed over to the table where St. Denis was sitting with his head in his hands.

"My lord?" she said hesitantly. "Forgive me for intruding, but I have come to thank you for your help. And to ask for your assistance with Tay."

St. Denis' head shot up when he realized who it was. He was grieved all over again simply to see her.

"Assistance for what?" he said. "You have already caused enough trouble. What do you want from me now?"

Athdara was a little taken aback by his rather harsh words, but she understood. From his perspective, she had indeed caused him trouble. Horrible trouble.

But she was about to make up for it.

"My lord, Tay does not know that I have returned to speak to you," she said. "He thinks I have returned to Fox, and I shall eventually, but the truth is this—I do not want Tay coming with me. He does not know that, however. I need your help to escape so he is unaware."

St. Denis' brow furrowed. "Escape?" he repeated. "How do you intend to do that?"

Athdara leaned forward, lowering her voice. "You said you would provide me with a horse and an escort," she said. "I do not need the escort, but I will take the horse. If you have it waiting for me at midnight tonight, I will be able to leave and he will not know."

St. Denis scratched his head, not convinced she could actually do such a thing. "You sleep in his cottage," he said. "How are you going to slip away so that he does not know you have left?"

Athdara grinned. "He does not sleep much during the course of a night, but when he does, it is usually in the dead of night, and nothing short of God and his angels can wake him. I hear him snoring loudly enough to rattle the walls. If I slip out during that time, he will not awaken, I assure you."

St. Denis could see that she had a plan that went against what Tay intended. That was surprising, considering how they'd professed their love for one another right in front of him. Not only that, but it would never work. As a man who had once been in love with a woman, though it was many years ago, St. Denis knew how men in love had a sixth sense about their women.

"He will follow you, you know," he said. "Nothing will stop him, so this is a futile gesture."

Her smile faded. "It will not be," she said. "My lord, Tay is a great trainer. He has told me how much he loves Blackchurch and how hard he has worked to achieve this position. He has only known me a short amount of time, and although I love him and he loves me, I feel that he is not making the right decision. He cannot leave Blackchurch. To do so would ruin everything he's worked for, and for what? For me? He would only grow to resent me, knowing I took him away from something that he loved. He cannot seem to understand that. All he sees is the here and the now. He does not see the future where he would hate me for taking him away from his brethren at Blackchurch. He cannot see that he is ruining his career."

"And he would hate us for letting you escape," St. Denis pointed out. "How do you think he would react knowing we helped you?"

"He would not know unless you told him."

St. Denis hissed sharply. "If his mind is made up, there is nothing we can do," he said. "If he has decided to go with you, then he shall. You cannot stop him."

Her mouth began to tremble, just a little. She had been resolute about what she needed to do when she walked into the chamber, but St. Denis' argument had her emotions getting the better of her.

"He will not wait for me to return, and he cannot come with me," she said. "For his own good, I must make the decision for him."

"How?"

Her eyes were beginning to well. Looking at the table, she hunted around until she saw a quill. She pointed at it.

"If you will loan me your quill and a piece of vellum, I will write him a message," she said, her voice tight. "I will tell him that I lied to him. That I do not love him. And I will tell him that a lover waits for me in Toxandria. I fear only something of that magnitude will prevent him from following me."

"Is it true?"

She shook her head, wiping at the tears that were threatening. "Nay," she whispered. "He is the man I love. And I love him enough not to want him to ruin himself just because of me."

St. Denis watched her lowered head for a moment before looking to St. Sebastian and Ming Tang. While Ming Tang was relatively emotionless, St. Sebastian appeared quite touched—even saddened. He looked to his father in a pleading manner, something St. Denis struggled to ignore.

"You would do this?" he finally asked, considerably more gently than he'd spoken to her earlier. "You would sacrifice your happiness like this?"

Athdara was blinking the tears away rapidly. "I would do anything for him," she said. "My lord, I did not come to Blackchurch to upend your life. I came because I had nowhere to go. I needed help. I did not intend to ruin a man's life because we loved one another. Mayhap if I do this, you will believe that I never meant any harm."

St. Denis didn't know what to say. He didn't want to tell her that he was at peace with Tay leaving Blackchurch, because he wasn't. Selfishly, he wasn't. If she was going to force Tay to remain, who was he to argue?

He was going to help her.

Silently, he handed her a piece of blank vellum, and she pulled a chair up to the table and picked up the quill. All the while, St. Denis just stood there and watched her.

"Y-you cannot let her do this," St. Sebastian whispered in his ear. "It is cruel!"

St. Denis looked at his son. "It was not my idea," he said quietly. "She is right, lad. If Tay goes with her, he ruins everything he has worked for, so I want you to view this situation as it was meant to be viewed—I want you to see what true sacrifice looks like. If she did not love him more than herself, she would not be doing this. That is the meaning of love."

At least St. Denis understood that part of it, but St. Sebastian rolled his eyes and looked to Ming Tang for support. He, however, was looking at Athdara with an expression St. Sebastian had never seen before. Something between sorrow and approval.

Ming Tang went to Athdara and sat down beside her.

"Many years ago, when I was a young man and pledged to the Shaolin temple at the base of the Song Mountains, I met a woman and fell in love with her," he said softly. "Do you ever wonder what started my wanderings? Why I ended up in Devon? It was that incident. I loved her, but it was not meant to be. She was meant for another, a great warlord and great riches, and I knew that with me she would only know poverty and struggle. I knew that I was not the best thing for her. Sometimes, love is not enough, my lady. I know you realize that."

The tears, so recently dried, returned as Athdara looked at him. "I am sorry you did not have your lady in the end," she murmured.

He smiled, though it was weak. "And I'm sorry you will not have your man," he said. "What you are doing is the greatest, noblest sacrifice of all. I want you to know that you have my undying admiration for it."

"You will not talk me out of it?"

"Nay."

Athdara wiped at the tears as they began to fall again. "Then will you do something for me, Ming Tang?"

"If I can."

She gestured to the vellum. "This will be very hard on Tay," she whispered. "When the time is right—mayhap when much time has passed—will you tell him that it was not the truth? I cannot bear that he would go to his grave hating me. Please… tell him that I loved him enough to do this."

"I will, my lady."

That seemed to give Athdara the strength to finish the message. Ming Tang sat with her the entire time as St. Denis and St. Sebastian quietly conferred.

"Have a mount waiting for her tonight in the stables," St. Denis muttered. "Make sure there are supplies and money. She will need money. Make sure everything is waiting for her when she comes."

"Y-you are truly going to let her do this?" St. Sebastian asked, distressed.

St Denis nodded. "It is her choice, lad. She believes she is making the right one."

"What do you think?"

"I agree with her."

St. Sebastian was disgusted with the entire situation, but he was a follower. He wouldn't disobey. With an expression of complete disapproval, he turned and quit the solar, heading out to do his father's bidding.

St. Denis, on the other hand, went to sit at his cluttered table, watching from across the tabletop as Athdara finished her missive, sanded it, and then took a dagger from the table, and cut off a lock of her hair, and carefully sealed it inside the missive.

When she was done, he watched as she laid her head on Ming Tang's shoulder and wept.