Chapter Seventeen

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

S he was waiting for him when he walked in the door.

Tay had barely entered the cottage when Athdara was on him, slanting her lips over his and wrapping her arms around his body. He responded instantly, with more passion than he'd ever experienced, and it was a kiss that was heated and sensual, delicious and naughty. As he lost himself in her warm embrace, all he could feel was surrender.

His.

There was no resisting the woman.

Somehow, they stumbled into the common room and ended up on the couch. But Tay put too much pressure on it when he sat down and pulled Athdara onto his lap, and one of the old legs collapsed, sending them onto the floor.

They laughed as they spilled onto the cold wood, and Athdara ended up flat on her back, gazing up at the ceiling. But she was still laughing as Tay rolled to his knees and pulled her up, against him.

"I'm so very weary," she said, snaking her arms around his neck and kissing him gently. "But I could not go another moment without feeling your touch, my darling. I've missed you all day."

He returned her kisses. "And I've missed you," he whispered. "I'm training men, and all I can think of is you. You're with Fox, and all I can think of is the next time I shall see you. You are driving me mad, lass."

They lost themselves in another heated kiss. He licked at her, prying her lips open and invading her mouth. He had his hands in her hair, holding her head steadfastly as if fearful she'd pull away. Carefully, he laid her on her back again, against the cold and hard floor, and things began to grow heated.

Now, she was his captive.

Normally, being unable to move would have sent Athdara into a panic because it reminded her of the bounty hunters and others who had tried to confine her. She didn't like being restrained in any way. But with Tay, she was a willing victim. He moved his mouth over her chin, her neck, suckling her gently and sending rivers of excitement coursing through her as he pinned her down with his body. When his big hand moved to her breasts, she didn't flinch away from him. She welcomed it.

She had for weeks.

Tay gently fondled her right breast, which was full and warm. As her breath came in unsteady gasps, Athdara untied her belt and lifted up her tunic. It was enough for Tay to get his head under her clothing, and he clamped down on a tender nipple as Athdara gasped with the pure pleasure of it. She groaned softly as Tay suckled her, feeling the familiar heat bloom between her legs. It had happened many times before, and Tay told her that it was her body preparing to mate. When she'd given him permission to do just that, he'd declined, but not because he didn't want to—he assured her of that. Athdara wasn't sure if it was on moral or some other grounds, but it didn't matter. So he didn't want to mate with her—yet. She had patience.

Meanwhile, she had never felt safer or more cherished. For the first time in her life, she knew a man's touch, and she wasn't afraid of it.

She was learning to crave it.

His hands were everywhere, touching her gently, while his mouth seemed to nibble every bit of exposed flesh it could. Athdara was absolutely helpless against his onslaught, her hands on his broad shoulders, feeling his strength in her palms. She shifted, parting her legs, and he slipped between them so his weight wasn't completely on her. When he went back to suckling her left breast, she wrapped her arms around his head and held him fast.

He feasted.

But it didn't last much longer. Somewhere in the distance, a sound roused them from their haze of passion, and Tay pulled his head up, alert for Marina's imminent appearance. He was positive that he'd heard her voice. Pushing himself up, he pulled Athdara's tunic down and lifted her into a sitting position.

"Forgive me for cutting this short," he whispered, kissing her yet again. "Marina will be here any moment, and I do not want her to catch us like this."

Athdara watched him as he rocked back on his knees, holding out a hand to help her to her feet. But she ignored the hand, her gaze trailing to the enormous erection straining against his breeches. She lingered on it.

"Tay," she said, eyes glittering as she gestured to his arousal. "Your body is calling for mine. Why do you not answer the call? I have given you permission to do so."

He looked down at himself. Truth be told, it was becoming increasingly painful to force down his erections after he touched her. There had been times when he'd had to stroke himself simply to release the pressure. He'd much rather have Athdara do it, but he didn't want to cross that line. Not yet, anyway.

After a moment, he shook his head. "It is of no matter," he said, holding out a hand to her again. "Come along, love. Stand up."

But Athdara didn't move, at least not to take his hand. She rose to her knees next to him and put her hands gently on his arousal. He flinched as if she'd struck him, quickly moving her hands away as he stood up, out of her reach.

Athdara looked at him, hurt and confused. "Why do you not let me touch you?" she said. "You kiss me and you touch my body, but you will not let our passion take its natural course. I am not a fool; I know that men and women couple. While I've never done it before, I know it is usual when a man and woman feel something for one another. When they love… one another."

Tay sighed heavily, feeling uncomfortable and torn. "I… I do not know what you want me to say, Athdara."

"I want you to tell me the truth," she said pointedly. "Clearly, we feel something for one another. You are all I can think of, and I am all you can think of. You only wish to kiss me, yet you tell me you find me desirable. I do not understand your reluctance to do anything more than kiss me."

He knew that, but he wasn't entirely sure he could put it into words, mostly because he didn't understand it himself. All he knew was that it had something to do with the fact that she was destined to leave him.

Perhaps that was the entire problem.

"The truth is that I cannot take from you that which will belong to the man you marry," he said. "If you do not think it is painful for me to say that, then you would be wrong. To think of you in the arms of another man eats at me like a cancer. I cannot stomach the thought."

"Then don't. I love you."

He froze, still looking away from her, and closed his eyes tightly. They'd implied their adoration and admiration for weeks now, but no declaration of love. Frankly, that scared him to death. But there it was.

Out in the open.

He sighed again. "Athdara…"

"I love you, Tay Munro," she said, more forcefully. "I love you, and I shall never love another. Why do you think I let you kiss me? Why do you think I've responded to you all these weeks? Do you think I was playing some sort of game with you? Did you think I was doing it so you would convince your friends to train me? I do it because I love you and I want the touch of the man I love. You are the man I want to marry."

He looked at her sharply. "Marry you?" he gasped. "Athdara, I cannot marry you."

"Why not?"

He held up his big arms, indicating their surroundings. "Look at where I live," he said. "Look at what I do. I am a Blackchurch trainer, and, for all intents and purposes, we are monks. No one is married. No one has a wife at home, waiting for him."

"Why not?" Athdara demanded, nearly shouting. "You are not a monk. You are a knight."

"I am a Blackchurch trainer," he said, trying not to raise his voice. "I have worked my entire life for this position. I am the elite of the elite. Don't you understand that?"

Athdara shook her head. "Nay, I do not," she said. "I do not understand why you are not permitted to love and take a wife. That is cruel and barbaric. Why should you give your life over to a guild that requires that?"

"They do not require that," he said. "It is a choice we made when we accepted the position. Nothing is more important than Blackchurch and what it stands for."

That was the wrong thing to say. Athdara stared at him for a moment, and as Tay watched, he could see the light drain from her eyes. He could see everything drain from her face.

It was as if someone had just blown out a flame. She'd gone dark.

"I see," she said hoarsely. "So all of this… the kissing, the touching… all of this meant nothing to you. I was simply something to play with."

He shook his head firmly. "That is not true," he said. "I never said I did not feel something for you."

"Do you love me?"

He balked. "You simply do not ask something like—"

She cut him off, enunciating every word slowly. "Do you love me?"

Tay stopped resisting. He simply stood there, looking at her, an expression of intense nausea washing over his features.

"I cannot answer that," he rasped.

Athdara didn't say another word. She turned on her heel and headed to the stairs as he stood there and watched her go. When he heard her chamber door slam overhead, he let out a pent-up sigh and collapsed in the nearest chair. He couldn't move, couldn't think. He couldn't even remember to breathe. All he could do was feel pain he'd never felt before on a level he'd never experienced before.

Do you love me?

That had been her question. Of course he did. He did, very much. But there were so many reasons why he couldn't tell her that. She had asked for the truth, and he couldn't give it to her. Perhaps he was hoping they could just keep going as they were, stealing kisses and time together, and ignore the human toll it would take on them both. Ignore the fact that they weren't indulging in a cheap affair that meant nothing to either of them.

Ignoring the fact that they were in love and he couldn't admit it.

But he did. Athdara, since the day he met her, had proven her bravery. In so many ways, she was far braver than he was. That glorious, headstrong, stubborn woman was braver than almost anyone he knew, and he suddenly felt so very unworthy of her. Incredibly unworthy. Had he been brave, he would have told her that he loved her.

But he wasn't brave.

He was afraid.

Of what?

He knew what. Clearly, he knew what. That woman he thought he'd loved, the one who had left him for a rich lord's son, had broken his heart. At least, he thought so at the time, but compared to what he felt for Athdara, the love he'd felt for the merchant's daughter was like a spring rain. The love he felt for Athdara was a raging storm. He didn't want to hurt her, but he didn't want to be hurt, either.

Therein lay the problem.

Perhaps if she knew why…

"God's Bones, it's dark out there!"

The door to the cottage lurched open, and Marina stepped through, carrying a load of food with her. She headed straight for the table in the other chamber, the one once used as a kitchen, and set a tray and two pots on the tabletop heavily.

"I've brought sup," she called, turning to see if anyone was around and catching sight of Tay in the common room. "Good eve, my lord. I brought everything I could carry. Meat, bread, and little pies made with honey. They were not going to give them to me until I invoked your name. Now, we have plenty."

She was grinning as she said it and began to remove the cloak she had on, but Tay stopped her.

"Wait," he said quietly, holding out a hand. "Will you do something for me?"

"Of course, my lord."

"I want you to sleep in the cloister tonight."

Marina blinked, caught off guard by the request. "You want me to… sleep elsewhere?"

"Please."

She looked around. "Where is Lady Athdara?"

"In her chamber."

Marina's eyes narrowed. She darted past Tay and raced up the stairs, banging on the door. "My lady?" she called. "My lady, are you well?"

Tay had moved to the bottom of the stairs, listening. He could hear a muffled reply from Athdara as Marina begged her to unlock the door. The door was unlocked, words were exchanged, and Marina came back down to the common room. She tried not to look sheepish or defensive as she looked at Tay.

"I am her chaperone," she said. "I wanted to make sure she was well."

"And so you have. Is she?"

She nodded reluctantly. "She is."

"Then you will sleep in the cloister tonight."

Marina eyed him suspiciously. "She looks as if she has been weeping."

"She has had a difficult day. I must speak with her, and it would be better if there was no audience."

That explained quite a bit to Marina, at least enough that she didn't fight him on leaving any longer. Slowly, she nodded.

"As you wish," she said. "May I eat here?"

"Eat with the others, please."

With a shrug, Marina headed to the door without another word. But she paused before she departed, turning to Tay.

"If you are to have a lovers' quarrel, finish it here," she said. "Men are already talking about the two of you. You do not want to give them more fuel for the fire."

With that, she departed, leaving Tay shaking his head at the irony of the situation. He'd spent six feels falling in love with a magnificent woman, and here he was, still hoping no one had caught on.

He'd been a fool.

But the truth was that he knew better.

The minutes ticked away as he remained in the common room, seated in the chair and watching the flames in the hearth. He had a problem on his hands, and he wasn't sure what he could do about it. If there was anything to do about it. The minutes turned into an hour, and, suddenly, he heard a door slam upstairs. Athdara came down the steps quickly, heading for the front door, and he called to her as she rushed by.

"All I had ever planned on being was a knight," he said loudly. "I'd never planned on a wife!"

The cottage door opened, and Athdara stepped through before slamming it behind her. Realizing she'd left in spite of his words, Tay sighed softly, with great regret. Resting his head on his hand, he was continuing to watch the flames when he heard the hinges to the door squeak. There were footsteps coming into the common room.

"Just because you only ever planned to be a knight does not prevent you from telling the truth or expressing your personal feelings," Athdara said. "It does not give you an excuse to toy with me, Tay. Tell me something I should hear, or I will gather my things tonight and move to the cloister. I will not be a convenience for you."

He sat up and looked at her. "I never said you were a convenience," he said. "You have given my life meaning."

Her hard stance softened a little. "But you do not love me."

He took a long, deep breath before replying. "Of course I love you," he mumbled. "I love you to my very bones. I never knew what love was until I met you. But this situation… It should have never happened, and I do not know what to do about it."

That brought her inside, straight to his chair, and she sat down in front of him, her arms on his legs as she gazed up at him.

"And I love you," she said softly, sincerely. "You know I do. Why could you not tell me what is in your heart?"

He was pensive, weary. Reaching down, he took one of her hands in his, toying with her warm fingers. "I was hoping we would never have this conversation, but I suppose that was a ridiculous hope in hindsight," he said. "There was a woman once who left me for the son of a rich lord. I thought I was ruined for all women. Then you came into my life. A beautiful, sweet, and sensitive woman I met in a tavern who turned out to be a female recruit I was sworn to ruin. I think, mayhap, I fell in love with you the first night I met you. I cannot remember when I have not loved you."

She kissed his big, scarred hand. "And that is a terrible thing?"

He nodded. "It is when you consider that you and I have two different paths in life," he said. "You asked me why I will not marry you. It is because you have a destiny to fulfill. You are returning to Toxandria to regain the duchy for your brother. Did you think I was going to come with you?"

She pondered that. "I… I do not know," she said. "I've not thought on it."

" I have," he said. "I am a trainer at Blackchurch. This is my life. My vocation. It is not running off and battling for a duchy. If we were to marry, what then? Do you forget about your quest and stay with me?"

She shook her head slowly. "I cannot," she said. Then, as he watched, her eyes filled with a lake of tears. "But I do not want to be without you."

He reached down and cupped her lovely face, flicking away the tears with his thumbs. "And I do not want to be without you," he said softly. "But we have much to consider. You do not want to be pulled off your quest, and I do not want to leave something I've worked very hard to attain."

She sniffled, but the tears wouldn't stop falling. Heaving a sad sigh, he pulled her up and onto his lap, holding her tightly as she struggled not to weep openly.

"That is why I cannot bed you," he whispered. "If we do not marry, that is meant for your husband. I love you enough not to take that from you because that would be incredibly selfish. I could not, and would not, diminish you so. Love or not, I will not take that which does not belong to me."

It was such a noble thing to say, and he was completely serious about it. Realizing that, Athdara wrapped her arms around his head and shoulders, her chin on the top of his head.

"But I want you to be my husband," she whispered tightly. "I love you, Tay. I do not want to leave you. I want to wake up to your face every morning for the rest of my life. I want to feel your sons growing inside of me, and I want to gaze upon their faces the moment they are born, knowing they are part of you and part of me. I want to watch you as you teach them to be honorable men, and I want to see the pride on your face when you know you have fathered the strongest, most talented sons in all the world. I want to do that for you. I cannot stand the thought of another woman bearing your children. It would destroy me if that happened."

He hugged her gently. "Then we have a problem on our hands, because I am the only man worthy of you," he said. "You are the only woman worthy of bearing my children. But we cannot have children if you live at Breda Castle and I live at Blackchurch. That would be quite impossible."

She sniffled again. "I could visit you often," she suggested. "You could visit me often."

He looked at her, a lopsided smile on his lips, seeing that she was half jesting, half serious. He kissed her on the cheek.

"When I marry, I want to be with my wife," he said. "I do not want to be a visitor to her home, nor do I want her to be a visitor to mine."

"Then what shall we do?"

His smile faded. "I do not know."

Athdara was starting to feel desperate. Now that the subject of marriage had been broached, she needed to feel some peace in her relationship with Tay.

"But we will find a solution, won't we?" she said. "Tay, I cannot go the next several months not knowing if we shall ever be together. That would destroy me."

"I know," he said softly, giving her a gentle squeeze. "It would destroy me also. It is not a closed subject, love. We simply must find a solution."

She was quiet for several long moments, pondering something, before speaking again. "Would… would you be willing to wait for me?"

"What do you mean?"

She wiped at the remaining moisture around her eyes as an idea took hold. "I mean that I must return and restore my father's legacy for my younger brother," she said. "But there will be a day when he will be old enough to rule on his own. He will no longer need me. Would you be willing to wait for me? I would come to Blackchurch. We could be married, and I would stay here with you, forever."

He could see that she meant every word. He grinned, brushing a stray lock of hair out of her eyes. "You would be old and gray," he said. "So would I. But if I had to wait that long, I would. I would wait as long as you wished, even if it meant our time together, in the end, would be short. It is not the length of time we spend together but the fact that we would be together. I can think of nothing better to look forward to."

Athdara put her hands on is cheeks, stroking the stubble as she gazed into his eyes. "We will be together."

"Aye, we will."

"No matter how long it takes."

"No matter."

As the fire crackled softly, a sense of peace settled. Their relationship, once one of stolen kisses and sly gestures, had deepened. Now, it was something heady and true. Something meaningful. Something that had passed into the realm of forever. No matter how long it took for the two of them to come together, they would find a way.

True love always did.