Rule 47 - Koi

Seven years ago

"It would mean a lot to us." Puffy-eyed Mrs. Palmer stared down at me, holding back her tears. "Would you, sweetie?"

I looked over to Swayze. His head was down, refusing to meet my eyes. He knew what was going on. She"d already asked him.

"Yes, ma"am," I said to her. "It would be my honor."

The next day, I dressed in the suit I"d worn for the Spring Fling. I"d taken Marilyn Burns. Swayze had gone with Kirsty Laurence, and Dennis had taken Dani Ardor. We"d taken them on our bikes and thought we were the shit because we had smokes and had stolen a bottle of vodka from my dad"s cabinet. We even got to make out with them behind the school. We thought we were invincible then, but now... now we weren"t.

I went downstairs and found my dad consoling my mom. She"d been having a hard time with everything too, almost as if it were me, not someone else"s son, who had died.

"Are you ready, honey?" She sniffled.

"Yeah, I"m going to ride my bike over to Swayze"s and pick him up. We"re going together."

"Swayze?" My mom blinked rapidly. "I guess now they don"t need to call him that anymore. They can just call him Dennis." She began to wail, and I bolted out of the house, wiping my tears. I couldn"t take watching her cry. Watching my dad cry, or Dennis"s family cry. I pulled out my bike and hurried off toward Swayze"s place. Fuck anyone that tried to call him by his first name now. Swayze would always be Swayze.

Reaching his house, I dropped my bike and wiped my face again, knocking on the door. He answered, looking just as glum as I did.

"Let"s go."

We rode to the funeral home. We sat in front with his family, and we helped carry the casket to the car, and then once more to the gravesite. My mind was on autopilot, not paying much attention to the grand speeches, the sad stories, and the prayers going on during the service. My brain was numb.

I almost didn"t go to see him one last time in his casket, but my mother insisted.

"It will make it real, son."

I didn"t quite understand what the fuck that meant, but I went anyway. I knew he was dead. They"d painted his face to be less blue. It did make it feel real. Dennis wasn"t coming back.

After the service at the gravesite, we left. The moment I was home I went upstairs and cried until I passed out from exhaustion. I"d done that every day since he"d drowned. This was the first real death I"d experienced, and it was my best fucking friend of all people. What was I supposed to do now?

We"d had plans. We were gonna be famous sex pest rock stars. This summer was going to be the best one yet. We were working at Risky Rush Park, the best summer job around.

I woke up sometime after dark. I stood and changed out of my suit, tossing on jeans, a shirt, and a hoodie. I went downstairs. My mom was passed out on the couch, and my dad in the lounger. I went to the liquor cabinet and pulled out a full bottle of vodka. As I was walking out of the room, I saw my dad open his eyes and give me a tired smile and wink. He relaxed back in his chair and I left through the front door.

The summer breeze was cool and felt good on my face. I rode right past Dennis"s house, then Swayze"s, and to the cemetery. Despite only having been there once, I knew where to go. I dropped my bike and started toward the freshly filled hole when I saw a shadow in the dark. Then, I heard a sniffle.

"Koi?" Swayze called to me.

I walked over and plopped down, offering him the bottle of vodka.

"I don"t know what to do, man," he moaned. He handed me a two-liter of cola. "Our best friend is dead."

"I know." I took a swig of the soda and then opened the vodka and took some of that into my mouth together. The liquor burned my throat, but I knew the side effects would kick in quickly, and I needed to be drunk right now.

Swayze did the same, and soon, we were laughing, crying, and falling down, lying across Dennis"s grave.

"Man, if it were one of us that drowned, he"d be roasting the fuck out of us." Swayze laughed.

"Right, like, it"s Risky Rush Park, there"s so many more crazy ways to go out. But no, he fucking fell into the Gallows."

We paused, then started to cry again. It was weird. We were fourteen years old. We shouldn"t be crying like this. It wasn"t what men did. But in the safety of each other"s company, we were able to get our emotions out.

"You know, he never stood a chance with Dani Ardor. She told me the only reason she agreed to go with him was because her friends were going with us." I laughed. For a brief moment, it was like Dennis was here with us, and I could shoot the shit one last time.

We cried, laughed, and talked to Dennis until the sun came up, and then we got on our bikes and left.

Every day, for the rest of the summer, we did this. We"d sneak out, stay until morning, sleep until noon, then work at the park for a few hours, and come home to do it all over again. Each day that they still hadn"t found Domino Risky was like a layer of bandage on our broken hearts. We were beginning to heal, and by the time fall came and they closed the park for the season, we knew she wasn"t coming back and were able to stop going to see Dennis every night.

The night before school started, I couldn"t sleep, so I went to the cemetery and sat down on patches of grass now starting to grow on Dennis"s grave. I pulled my knees up and told him everything I couldn"t tell anyone else.

"I"m not entirely sure how to feel. I"m not gay. But... Swayze. He"s our best friend, but sometimes when I look at him, it"s different. My chest tightens and my stomach gets weird. Like when I see a hot girl. Like... when Domino Risky would be scurrying around, trying not to be seen. It's not just sex… It"s confusing..." I rushed out. It felt like a heavy load had been removed from my chest. We were going into ninth grade this year, and I was afraid of losing Swayze"s friendship because of my feelings. I didn"t even know what my feelings were. Sexual, emotional?

Both.

"You want to what?" Swayze"s voice sent me bolting up from the ground. I spun around and my cheeks flushed with embarrassment. He glared at me.

"I don"t know what you"re talking about." I gulped.

He dropped his bike to the ground and came over. "You said you look at me differently, like when you see a hot girl." Swayze stood in front of me, heaving. "I don"t know about you, but when I see a hot girl, I know what I want to do with her."

"Swayze…" I brushed my hair back and chuckled nervously. "It"s nothing. Just come off it. It"s stupid." This was the last thing I"d wanted. Swayze"s eyes were cold and angry. I knew he would be. Friends didn"t find their friends attractive. I took a step back and then he reached out, grasping my face and pulling me back into him. In an instant, his lips were on mine.

And I liked it.

Kirsty Laurence had said he was a good kisser. I"d just thought it was girls talking, but no. Swayze was a good kisser. My heart hammered as it hit me that I was kissing a boy, and I liked it. I was kissing Swayze, my best friend.

I followed his lead, and my tongue touched his. Explosions went off as we kissed, and then he pulled apart quickly and looked at me. He wiped his lips and grinned.

"Is that what you were wanting to do? Because I was too."