15. Roman

Sasha and I stayed out late. We ate and drank and laughed.

We played darts, and I was happy to spend time with my friend. I fucking missed him more than I thought I did. It lightened my heart to talk to him like we used to. Even surrounded by a sea of plaid-clad and bearded men, just my type, I could only think about one of them.

Perry.

After driving home, Sasha slipped into his vehicle and left, promising a text once he arrived. Thank god we switched to tonic water and lime early. Hangovers are not my thing, and if I wanted to talk to Perry tonight, I didn't want alcohol to cloud my mind.

The lights are off in the house, but Perry's truck is in the driveway. I stay quiet and don't turn on the lights, instead using the glow of my phone. I admit, I sort of hoped he'd be on the couch again with his corset porn. But he isn't and I hesitate before taking the hallway to my room.

Would he come out later? God, what do I plan to do? Wait and ambush him and offer to do the stroking myself? This isn't as easy to do now that I'm here, but I should at least talk to Perry about the kiss.

A shout comes from his hallway, and I freeze.

"Don't! Hold on! No! No!"

On autopilot, I jog to his bedroom door. More random shouts and a rustling of blankets. His voice is so hoarse and painful that I make a split decision to open the door and go in.

Moonlight shines through the high dorm-style window and bathes the room in a muted glow. The sheets wind around Perry like a cotton constrictor and even in the low light, the sheen of sweat on his skin is visible.

I've been there a time or two after my parents died and I know he's having a nightmare. His chest heaves and he cries out again, breaking my heart that I can't remove the memory that steals his sleep from him. But I can soothe it.

Just as my sister did for me, I peel off my jeans and slide into bed behind him, untangling his sheets and recovering both of us. Wrapping my arms around him, he tenses, but soon relaxes with a mumble.

"Roman? I can smell your vanilla." I smile at his sleep-slurred voice and his big hand pulls my arm tighter across his chest as he snuggles back into my body.

I'm paralyzed with fear. Being this close to him, in his bed, has me second-guessing my decision, but his breathing evens out and the grip on my arm relaxes.

"Yeah," I whisper. "It's me. I got you."

The room is heavy with silence. My blood pounds through my ears, but Perry sleeps on. And he doesn't let go of my hand.

And against the fear that rages inside me, I like this.

I don't know what this means for me, though.

Sleep overtakes my worry, and I hold on tight.

Blinking my eyes open, I jolt with the late morning sun bathing the room.

Not my room. Perry's.

I don't know what time it is, but it's later than I've ever slept. And tangled up with me is Perry. Still holding my arm across his chest, my leg is trapped between his, so if I wanted to sneak out without waking him, I couldn't.

There's a low buzz followed by the ping of a text notification. It's muffled by my pants, but it happens three more times before Perry groans and releases his hold on me.

"You should get that."

His gravelly morning voice is possibly the sexiest sound, and I drop a kiss on the back of his neck without thinking.

"It's probably just Sasha, but I should make sure."

Sliding out from behind Perry, I find my jeans and fish out my phone, which is filled with messages from Sasha.

His last one is genuinely wondering if I'm okay, so I send him a quick message with a promise to talk to him soon.

"It's 9 A.M. I can't remember the last time I've slept all night. Let alone this late. It's been…years."

The blankets rustle, and Perry turns onto his back. The muscles in his arms flex as he tucks his hands behind his head.

"It's been nine years and three months since I slept this well. A few times I've slept through the night. It comes and goes, but even when I do sleep, it's never this late." His blue eyes, still foggy with sleep, fix on me. "What made you come check on me? Did I wake you?"

Avoiding his questions, I first ask him my own. "What happened nine years ago to give you nightmares like that?"

He rubs a hand down his face with a sigh.

"Roman, are you asking for curiosity or because you care?"

"Well, I'd like to think it's not because I enjoy listening to you in pain."

Perry runs a finger over the same place on his neck where the hickey is on mine.

"Did I leave that mark on you? Is that why you've been wearing your collars up all week?"

"Well, I haven't been out with anyone since I've been here and you're the only one I've made out with in the kitchen. So…yes to both questions."

He remains quiet and my skin feels too tight. My hands wring together and I remember I'm only in my underwear. Not sure where my shyness came from, but I reach for the edge of the blanket to cover myself with.

"I used to be a search and rescue diver for the provincial police. Sadly, it was more often the recovery I did. Rescue was rarely part of the job by the time I was called. Most of the time, I could keep it locked away inside and it wouldn't bother me."

My eyes fly to his and my breath hitches.

"Roman?" Perry swings his legs over the bed and reaches for me. "What's wrong?"

The memory of the police officer at the door telling my aunt that they found my parents' snow machines, but needed to call in divers, rips the breath from my lungs. The other officer didn't make sure the kids were out of earshot as they told her their bodies were recovered under the ice. My aunt sobbing. My sisters pulling me into them, relieved they could say goodbye while all I could do was panic that it could happen to any of them.

It all plays back in my mind like an HD movie on an IMAX screen. Still tearing me apart the same as it did on that day over twenty years ago.

"Hey, babe…it's okay. Take a breath."

Perry holds me against him and my whole body shakes.

What are the fucking odds this man can connect with me over such a tragic event? This must be what Sasha hinted at. That we might be more alike than I think.

"M-my parents were…they drowned when I was a kid." My voice is barely a whisper. "They had to be recovered from under the ice by a diver."

"Roman…" He squeezes me tighter and his words aren't empty. "I'm so sorry."

"Is that what gives you nightmares? All the people you had to tell their family died?"

His giant hand is soft despite the calluses as he caresses my cheek.

"No. Recovery actually made me feel useful. Because I could give families like yours closure. They could know their loved ones were at rest and not still missing." He hesitates and I lean into his hand. "My nightmares come from a rescue that went wrong."

His thumb wipes at my wet cheek. I've never cried in front of anyone. His phone chimes but he doesn't move, focused on me only.

"This is going to sound weird, but…would you be open to spending today with me somewhere? I think it would do both of us good."

This new and tentative connection between us scares me. But I can't ignore the pull or the relief that someone else who isn't a therapist might understand why I'm like the way I am.

His phone beeps again, and I nod.

"You should get that and tell them you're busy today. I'll go get changed."

His smile is warm, and he reluctantly moves away to get his phone.

"Dress down Roman. Wear something you don't mind getting dirty in." He chuckles. "Not that kind of dirty. The muddy kind."

"Um, I don't really have anything like that?"

He pauses from his texting and his blue eyes seem… hopeful.

"Do you plan to stay in Maple? Like you and Sasha planned to base your business here and to live?"

"Yes, of course. I know I'm still staying here and the lodge probably can't be a long-term arrangement, but…yeah, I intend to stay here. This is my choice. My plan with Sasha."

He holds up a finger while he finishes his text.

"Then you're going to need some things and if you'll let me, I'd like to help."

Chewing my lip, I stare at the naked chest of Perry before bringing my gaze back to his. His sincerity is there. I have no reason not to trust him. Sasha's words echo in my head about opening up to people, and maybe this is my first sign.

"Okay. I'll, ah, find something to wear then."

A tentative smile flits on Perry's lips.

"I'll be ready in a few. Meet you in the kitchen."

"I fucking trusted you, Perry! What is this bullshit?"

"Quit bitching for once. This bullshit is what will keep you warm and dry in the spring when you're in the bush."

"You know what else keeps me warm and dry? A fucking house. With warm blankets and not in this hideous green."

It's not Walmart in sweatpants, but it's damn close. After a quiet breakfast together, Perry dragged me down to some kind of outdoor store. There are animal heads and dead fish on the walls, an aquarium bubbling away with tiny bait fish called minnows and the whole place stinks like… well, what I imagine the place he wants to take me smells like. Fucking vile with a side of sadness.

He's currently fussing over the right boots for me. They're all ugly and I swear if anyone sees me like this, I will die of embarrassment. The boots paired with the neon-yellow lined rain jacket make me feel like a lemon with feet.

And I'm about as sour as a lemon right now too if he dares to laugh one more time.

"Try these. If they don't fit you right, you'll have cold feet."

He opens the box and sets the pair of rubber boots in front of me. With a sigh, I slip them on and stand up.

"They feel fine. Can we go now?"

"You're sure they aren't too big?"

"Yes. They're fine. Let's just get out of here so you can show me the purpose of this misery."

Perry grins as he re-boxes the boots and piles the coat and gloves on top of the box.

"Okay, fine. This should do for now."

"I'm never coming back to this place. Just so you know."

It's a version of hell for anyone who appreciates high fashion. People need to learn comfort doesn't have to equate to flannel and felt-lined boots. Options are out there!

He places the items on the counter at the cash register and a woman who seems absolutely thrilled to be working today smiles at Perry with a wee bit more than friendliness in her greeting.

"Hey, doll. It's nice to see you again." She peruses Perry slowly instead of ringing through our purchases, and I'm irrationally irritated that he smiles back.

"Nice to see you too, Linda."

She scans one item before speaking to Perry again. Multi-tasking is not in her skill set.

"You know…my address is still the same and I don't work on the weekends."

Wow, honey, you need to work on your subtlety.

Perry just smiles and nods and darts a glance my way.

"You'll have more time to visit the lake then. That's great."

"It's better with company, though." She winks at him! Fucking winks at him, and I bite my tongue so hard I taste blood.

"You know, Linda. We're on our way to the lake right now and if you could hurry this up, I'd appreciate it. Keep the flirting to the coffee breaks, yeah?"

I'll cut a bitch. Don't test me, Linda.

Linda glances between Perry and me, and I raise an eyebrow in defiance. She scans the rest of our things and when I present my card to pay, Perry smacks my hand away.

"No, I'm buying. This is my treat."

"Hideous boots and ugly rubber jackets are your treat? Wow. Can't wait to see what you do for my birthday."

"You could say thank you, you know. You'll be thankful once we get there that you have these."

Thankfully, Linda has stopped flirting and I'm not sure why I smile victoriously at her as I follow Perry out of the store with all this stuff. But damn girl, pick another man to flirt with and not the one I'm with.

Not that we're together or anything. It's just rude to flirt when the person is with someone.

"So where to now?"

Perry pulls out of the store's lot and the earlier playfulness has faded from his expression.

"To the lodge. Then you'll put on the things we just bought and I'm taking you somewhere that…" He pauses and runs a hand over his face. "To a place that often brings me peace when things are rough."

What am I supposed to say to that?

"I'm honestly wondering if I was drunk when I agreed to this!"

My words whip away on the wind as we speed down the dirt road on what I can only describe as a death trap on wheels.

After changing into the rubber boots and rain jacket, Perry handed me a helmet of questionable origin and told me to get in. After fumbling with the strap under my chin, his large fingers batted mine away, and he secured my helmet with practiced ease. He lulled me into a false sense of security. His confidence blinded me and now I'm strapped into a machine on four wheels with no doors and an impossibly loud engine as we barrel along a skinny path that he assures me is a road.

I've never been more terrified.

But Perry laughs and squeezes my knee as he slows down some. Not enough, but some.

"You're safe Roman. Relax and enjoy the ride."

He zigs to miss a pothole, jerking to the right, and I scream with surprise.

"Please tell me we're almost there!"

And no sooner are the words out of my mouth, we turn a corner and descend a hill towards a clearing and a lake.

Now, I'm not a nature lover by any means. I enjoy looking at the photos Sasha takes and I like to watch the sunset. I prefer to experience nature through a window. Not dressed up in various shades of rubber and swatting bugs off my skin.

But this place is something you could never capture in a photograph and do it justice.

Perry pulls to a stop a few meters from the lake's edge and kills the engine.

"C'mere." He gently turns my head and undoes my helmet. I remove it as he does the same, and the heavy silence here is deafening. After all the noise from the machine getting here, the pure silence at the lake is harsh. But in a good way.

It's focused and lets you gather your thoughts.

After setting our helmets on the seat, Perry leads me to the water's edge. My boots squish into the mud and now I understand why he made me get these.

"When you asked me how I can still like water after everything I've seen as a rescue diver, I couldn't explain it in words. I thought it might be easier to show you." He stuffs his hands in his pockets and stares across the smooth green surface of the lake. "The amount of life I can see here on any given day far outweighs the amount of lives lost. Water brings life to everything. It only takes life from a few."

My heart beats double time and I blink tears that threaten. My parents are in the category of the few. Gone before they even had a chance to really live. I don't hate the water because of it. I hate the thought that the one time you might step off the known path, it can end in disaster. My remaining childhood had me afraid to do anything with even an ounce of bodily risk attached. Afraid of stepping off the known path and leaving safety.

"At first I hated the water. Then I hated my parents. Then I hated the cards I was dealt." Swallowing, I avoid looking at Perry. His gaze is heavy on me and knowing he might understand me more than anyone I've ever met has me gulping in lungfuls of air. "Then I realized I couldn't stay shut up in a house for the rest of my life. My sisters were going on with their lives and I was still this scared seven-year-old boy. I got better about always clinging to them. It took a long time, though, to be out on my own."

We stand together on the shore staring at the water. Sharing burdens in the silence of nature.

"I was called to a rescue one spring. A group of teenagers were fooling around on the thin ice and a few fell through. It was a place with a powerful undertow." Perry exhales a shaky breath. "All but one boy had pulled themselves out of the water and were sliding to safety when my team arrived. My teammates looked after the kids out of danger while I rushed into my dive gear to go for the remaining kid."

I've drifted closer to Perry as he speaks, the shaky lilt to his voice not at all representative of the larger-than-life man. "My buddy kept throwing him a line to grab while I made my way out to him. Even where I was and knowing how long he'd been in the water, I knew the clock was ticking. If I didn't get to him soon…" He licks his lips. A hard swallow clicks in the silence and I touch his arm. "He finally grabbed the line, and I was so close to him. He just had to hang on for a minute more and I'd have him safe in my arms."

Perry doesn't have to finish the story. His cries from his nightmare spell the rest of that out.

"It took me thirty minutes to recover him after that. And I've never been able to box that one up like other stuff I've seen. That boy haunts me. Sometimes for weeks. Sometimes for a day. I never know."

Oh, Perry.

"I don't sleep because sometimes I think if I do, I'll miss my sisters in distress. It's more a fear for me that someone I love might be gone when I wake up. Even when Sasha moved here without me, I kept myself overly busy, so I couldn't think about that. I know it's irrational, but…" I shrug with a sigh. "That's just how it is."

He clears his throat.

"So, now you know I'm actually human, after all."

"Well, that remains to be seen."

"Oh yeah? What exactly do you need to see, Roman?"

"I don't really know yet. Maybe it's you in lace."

Oh, okay. I guess my mouth is working without a brain filter today.

Perry's eyes are saucer wide and I think I've struck him speechless.

"Not gonna happen."

"If I had to wear this ridiculous get up to come out here with you, why can't you wear a little lace so we're even?"

His brow scrunches as he studies me.

"Are you even serious right now?"

"There's only one way to find out, isn't there?"

After several minutes of silence, each of us just standing on the shoreline lost in our thoughts, I realize that I'm serious.

I want to have Perry.