14. Roman

It's hard to concentrate while you work when all you can think of is a kiss.

Not just any kiss. That would be easy to forget. Like the peck on the cheek I gave Brad. Over and done with no second thought.

Of course, Perry had to kiss me so good I still taste it. Feel it.

It's a permanent tattoo on my brain on constant replay.

His kiss lit up everything I thought was dead inside me. I loved it. But it didn't clarify my thoughts the slightest bit. Not about letting someone in, that is. It did, however, cause a burst of creativity. One of the side effects of the best kiss of my life was sketching up a storm and having so many creative ideas I was bursting to get them out.

I kept going and skipped sleep. Perry's kiss seemed to do more than just make me question my life choices. It seemed to be what I needed to jumpstart my designs even further.

It even got my butt in gear to think about the baby outfit my sister requested.

It also had me wearing a collared shirt. Not that the collared shirt was unusual for me. Buttoned all the way to the top with a tie was. Perry gave me a hickey in a one minute make-out session and I didn't want to answer questions about it. My best friend has done well with not asking me about my change in wardrobe… until now.

"It's a gorgeous day out, Ro. Summer is just around the corner! Dress down a bit for once and be casual. Oh! I know! Let's go into town and take a break. We can get a coffee and wander the bookstore."

My best friend stares out the window at the beautiful weather with a smile. Sometimes I wish I could be as carefree and joyful as him.

"I don't know, Sash. I really want to get this last piece finished so I can go live with the complete collection next month. Just in time for the wedding season to really heat up."

He spins from the window and bounces over to me.

"Exactly! And you'll be busy filling orders after that. Let's take a break." He playfully tugs at my tie. "Why so formal? You never button all the way with a tie." He loops his arm through mine and pulls me up the stairs towards my room. "We're going out to get sunshine and watch ducks. No argument."

He all but pushes me into my room and starts rummaging through my closet.

"Are you still okay here? I'm sorry it didn't work out at the lodge. Once the suite is finished, you're welcome to come back again. But…I feel like being at Perry's has opened up something in you. Given you a new creative outlet."

If only he knew how close to the truth he was.

"I am. I mean…we avoid each other mostly, but I can't ignore the fact I feel comfortable here." Except when I lay awake thinking of that damn kiss. I'm not at all comfortable then.

Sasha holds out a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved Henley.

"I want to take you to the park. No suits and corsets allowed. Be casual."

Eyeballing the Henley, I know the neckline won't come close to covering the love bite. Sasha waits with a look I know too well. Removing my corset, I carefully hang it in the closet while Sasha sits without a word. My tie comes off next, and I unbutton my dress shirt from the bottom up.

"How are you and Perry getting along?"

Sasha's face gives nothing away, and I wonder if Perry confided in him already.

"Good. We have our routines and stay out of each other's way."

"Oh. Well, that's good though. He likes to smoke bacon sometimes. Did you know that?"

My fingers pause at the top button. "Yeah, he made some for me the first morning I was here."

"And? Amazing right?"

When I first arrived, I wouldn't have used the word amazing to describe Perry. I still might not. But he's definitely something. With a sigh, I remove the dress shirt and turn to take the henley Sasha picked off the bed.

"I fucking knew it!"

He launches off the bed and inspects my neck like it's an incurable disease and not a hickey.

"It's Perry, right? You haven't moonlighted without telling me, have you? OMG…he's a great kisser, I bet. No. Don't answer that. I sleep with his brother and that's weird. But seriously, Ro. What the hell is going on?" He sits back on the bed and tilts his head, finally out of breath, after spewing all that on me. "And how do I get Leaf to do that to me?"

Slipping the Henley over my head, I check where it sits in the mirror. It's not as bad as I thought, but it still peeks out like a forgotten cherry in the fruit salad. Still a beacon on my pale skin.

"I'm pretty sure if you asked Leaf he'd do it."

"Yeah, but that's not the same as a passionate kiss in the heat of the moment that leads to…well, that."

Tugging on the jeans, I struggle to find words to express my mixed-up feelings to my best friend.

"Yes, it's Perry. And…has he talked to you about it at all? Or said anything?"

Why do I hope he has?

"No, but I know something is up with him. He's been unusually quiet, and he cancelled our book club meeting."

"You two have a book club?"

He nods his head, smile in full force, and I internally groan. Once he talks about books, it's sometimes hard to get him to stop.

"Yeah. It's just us. We sit around and moon over the swoony romantic guys in the book while we eat junk food and wonder if those kinds of characters exist for real." He laughs softly. "Well, I love Leaf. He's pretty dreamy, you know? But sometimes it's fun to escape into the fantasy of a romance novel."

Thinking of him and Sasha talking books and romance brings a smile to my face. I don't know why, but it's so perfectly them. And it makes me see Perry in a different light. Perhaps I've been too harsh.

"Did he say why he cancelled? What day was that?"

"No. He just said he wasn't feeling up to it and wanted to skip this one. That was on Wednesday. So just a few days ago."

That would be the day after we finally collided like two tanker trucks loaded with gasoline in an explosion that rocked me to my soul. It's nice to know it affected him too on some level. Although, I wouldn't know if it had. The level of avoidance I've reached is Olympic calibre.

"I don't want to put you between us. If I confide in you, it might make it awkward with you and Perry later."

Sasha shakes his head.

"Ro…let me worry about that part. If either of you were to say something confidential, I'd never share it with the other one. I love you both. And you have nobody in town. Perry can also talk to Leaf if he needs."

I hear what Sasha isn't saying, and I'm incredibly grateful for his friendship right now.

"How about we get that coffee and I'll spill my guts? Maybe even buy you dinner."

Sasha's lip quivers and I reach for him as his sunny smile vanishes. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." He smiles before wrapping me in a hug. "It's just that we've been apart for so long and now that you've been back, I still haven't spent much time with you. I miss you."

Holding him close, I agree. "I've missed you too. Let's ditch work and catch up properly, yeah?"

Sasha beams his sunshine on me again, and I know this is the right thing to do.

"Yes. Let's go. And let's take your fancy new car, too."

Our first stop is the coffee shop, Ragged Chutes, where Sasha introduces me to his friend Caleb and the most amazing brownie in the galaxy.

"This is probably the most incredible thing I've ever put in my mouth." I moan while inhaling all the chocolate goodness.

Caleb, the man who owns the shop, chuckles. "That's not the first time I've heard that. Although the boyfriend doesn't enjoy hearing it." He wiggles his eyebrows with a smirk and he and Sasha laugh.

"Do you want me to make a dash across the street for you? Deliver a secret love treat?"

Caleb pauses. "Would you?"

Sasha agrees, and Caleb disappears in the back.

"Caleb dates the guy who owns the bookshop across the street. My friend, Malcolm. They have the cutest meet-cute."

He steals a brownie crumb from my napkin, and I slap at his hand.

"The cutest meet-what?"

"The cute way they met! Seriously, Roman. You really should read more."

Caleb appears and hands Sasha a single paper flower. A raggedy coffee filter forms the petals and the stem is a plastic straw. The straw has several bend lines on it and looks like it was fished from the bottom of a box. It's fugly. Sasha seems to think it's the sweetest, cutest thing on the planet aside from baby ducks and drags me out the door across the street.

"Why doesn't Caleb just do this himself?"

"Roman! It's sweeter this way. They work across the street from each other. They get to share lunches most days, but they work a lot. It's a gesture to show he's always on his mind. And he made it." He sighs with hearts in his eyes and I note how my friend is giddy over a paper flower and wonder if it's something Perry might like. Not that I'd ever make him a flower. He needs something practical.

The bells on the door to the bookshop jingle and an attractive older man smiles warmly at Sasha.

"It's not Saturday. What brings you by, Sasha?"

"I bring you a message." He hands the paper rose to the man. "From Caleb."

The man's face softens as he takes the rose. His fingertips brush over the petals as he smiles. "That man. He always surprises me. You know, when we went on our first date, he showed up with a whole bouquet of these and inside each one was a Hershey's Kiss."

"I know. You've told me, and I still love hearing it." Sasha turns to me. "This is Malcolm. He owns this magnificent store that I spend a lot of money in. Malcolm, meet my best friend Roman."

"Nice to meet you. Sasha talks about books and this store non-stop."

"He's one of my favourite customers."

"What do you mean, ‘oneof'? Aren't I the only favourite?"

Sasha has drifted down a row, leaving me with Malcolm, and I shake my head with a laugh. "He's not one to share anything. Even the title of favourite."

Malcolm twirls the rose between his fingers, and I notice the petals have bits of writing inside. I pick out an ‘I love you' and a few hearts as he spins it. If anyone asks, I won't admit that writing inside a handmade rose might be kind of romantic.

I'm also not ready to admit that I like it. And maybe I might even wish I had thought of it.

"You just got a set of demon romances in!?" Sasha returns, aglow with excitement. "I'm trying those next."

I drift over to the end of a row while they chat about books and demons and shit I've never even heard of. A row of cookbooks sits on display and while I can't cook, I can relate to that more than swoony romance. I don't even know what that means.

"Are you ready to keep walking, Ro?"

"Absolutely. Nice to meet you, Malcolm. I'm sure we'll see more of you."

"I'm sure we will. Welcome to Maple."

The sun is bright and warm on our faces as we stroll around the small downtown. Sasha guides me to the park that's dedicated to Leaf's late husband and the way my friend is so caught up in the meaning behind every gesture for Leaf has me pause my steps.

"So when you did the calendar shoot of lumberjacks for your last college project, this is what you used the funds raised from it for? This park?"

Sasha smiles in that way he has. The way that makes you feel wrapped in the snuggliest of blankets on the coldest of days.

"Yeah. At first, I thought I'd put all of it towards his maple syrup start-up, but that didn't feel right. It was so important to Leaf to keep Connor's memory alive that I felt it was a better fit to donate to the park fund. When we get enough money raised, we're building a concrete pad in the backfield for a skating rink in the winter and basketball in the summer."

Sasha points out the field and keeps talking about his project and how Leaf is friends with a man who manages his favourite rock band. His next calendar project will be the band and even though he fangirls over them in the hardest of ways, he's more fixated on how Leaf will react when the rink vision comes to life.

"You're an amazing human. You know that, right? And I'm so damn proud of you."

He smiles at me and loops his arm through mine.

"Thank you, Ro. I'm proud of me too. But you know, this didn't come easy. And if you want to talk about anything, I'm here. It doesn't go back to Perry."

We stroll through the park in comfortable silence while I gather the thoughts that keep floating through my head.

"Sash…I'm not boyfriend material. I'm…opinionated—"

He snort laughs. "You don't say."

I silence him with a look, and he tightens the squeeze on my arm.

"I don't allow men into my heart because I'm too much. I've never had a grip on the separation anxiety, you know that. Few know. You and my sisters, really. And if I…" I puff out a breath with a harsh laugh. "If I were to try and they left because they couldn't accept that, I don't think I'd like how that feels. And I don't think I'd be able to give someone else what they need because I'm always so self-conscious of it."

Sasha shakes his head with a sad smile.

"I know you struggle with that, Ro. You dress to project the confidence you don't feel. I get you. You know I do, but let me share something with you?"

With a nod, he leads us to a bench and we sit, looking out on the creek that flows through the park.

"When I came here, I was healing. I needed to find, well, me. For years, I didn't know who I really was. You entered the model scene knowing full well you'd be recognized everywhere with that gorgeous face. I didn't understand that Sasha the model was someone different from actual Sasha." He swallows and pauses, and I find his hand to squeeze. "The men that hurt me weren't good people. It took me a long time to understand it wasn't me. It was them. And I still struggle to remember that sometimes. But Leaf…he never lets me forget that I'm amazing, just as I am. That it's me with all my insecurities and issues that he loves."

"You think someone is out there to love me for my flaws? Is that it?"

"I know there is. If it happened for me, it can happen for you. But you need to want it."

My mind drifts back to how I felt when Perry walked out of the kitchen after that kiss. I was relieved I didn't need to tackle all the emotions it brought up, but I was disappointed he walked away so easily.

"He just walked away. Not a word since. We've been avoiding each other and I don't know how to talk to him. All we've done is snark and snap at each other until that fucking amazing kiss in the kitchen. Now it's just silence."

"Perry is…he has his own issues that are for him to share with you, Ro. And I promise you, he will understand. You're more alike than you know."

"So you think he's avoiding me because he doesn't know what to say, either?"

"Something like that. Roman, if you like even a tiny bit of Perry, if he's stirring up that pot of butterflies in your gut, find the courage to put yourself out there."

"I wish it was that easy."

"Nothing worth it is, Ro. Leaf and I work to keep what we have so amazing. Some days are a breeze and some days he's holding me while I cry because I think I shouldn't be here and have this." I look at him with shock and he nods. "It's happened a few times. But he doesn't turn me away. That's love, Ro. Sticking through the good and bad. And Perry knows all about that kind of thing."

There's no one I trust more than my sisters and Sasha. Without even speaking to Josie, I knew she'd echo Sasha's thoughts.

"I said I'd buy you dinner. How about you take me to this lumberjack dream place you told me about? All this talk makes me want to eat my feelings."

"You'll love it, Ro. Big, burly bearded guys wall-to-wall. But there's a lot of plaid there, so try to keep the opinions to yourself."

Genuinely laughing, I playfully push his shoulder.

"I don't know. Plaid might grow on me. They wear it well around here."

"Maybe it's your next design?"

"I don't like it that much." I deadpan. "Let's go."

"I bet you're wearing plaid jackets in a month."

Sasha cackles as he jumps away from my swat.

"Bite your tongue! It's like a gateway drug. Once I wear plaid, what's next? Sweat pants and shopping at Walmart?"

Sasha only laughs more at me while he shakes his head.

"Be careful what you say out loud, Roman. It just might come true."

Not in my lifetime.