Chapter 4

4

Kiren

M ax was tall, with straight dark hair and craggy silver but cute sideburns, the sort of guy I sometimes dreamed about sweeping me off to a secret place where lovers made love on the beach all day and dined by candlelight at night.

I might be little, but I was romantic, too. I sometimes watched Hallmark at Christmas, though I never told a soul. There were even a few gay romances from that channel. I especially loved the sort of formulaic story with an always happy ending. When I was in pain and healing, those sorts of stories made me feel better. They distracted me, kept me from succumbing to depression.

I couldn’t wait for lunch.

We met in the lobby at noon.

“I’ll drive,” Max insisted.

I didn’t mind. My little side loved it.

“Usually, I eat with members of my team,” he said. “I like to eat out… away from the office. But today they’re on their own.”

“I usually eat in my car or upstairs on the roof. There’s a patio up there.”

“I didn’t know about that.”

“It’s my secret,” I said, putting my hand to my mouth as if I shouldn’t have told.

“Sometimes I like to eat alone, too. But office politics keep me social.”

I realized right then that being a boss meant work didn’t actually stop at the lunch hour. Max worked hard.

At the restaurant, I ordered a turkey sandwich. I was too excited to be hungry. It had been so long for dates and men. I took small bites.

Max talked mostly, and I listened. It was nice. I didn’t have to do anything. I could stare at his hands, which were long and graceful as he ate, and at his broad shoulders beneath his blazer. He was the perfect build for me, for what I used to like, broad shoulders, firm chest, long legs. Little chills washed over me.

Finally, he got to some core subject matter.

“Do you know why I chose those little gifts for you?”

Some part of me did know, but I was afraid to say. I shook my head slowly, gaze frozen to his face.

“I wanted to see your reaction. I wasn’t spying on you, but every day I came around at lunch the gift from the day before was gone. You’d either thrown it away or taken it home.”

My voice came out soft. “I wouldn’t throw them away. I like—um—little—um—toys. I just do. It was as if you knew, but I wasn’t sure it was you. I thought about the Dirty Shirley when I saw them.”

Max smiled. “I’m glad I chose them. I can explain if you’d like.”

I took a quick, almost panicky breath. “I’m little.” My face heated. My breaths came faster. “If you don’t know what that means, it’s okay. It was a fun lunch.”

Max put his elbows on the table and leaned into his hands. His face softened. “I know what it means. I’m so happy you told me.”

“Really?”

“Really. Very happy. Maybe that’s why I was drawn to you.”

“Why?”

“I’m a daddy. Please don’t tell.” He put a finger to his lips.

A daddy? It was as if after two years all the luck had just now landed in my lap. My fantasy wasn’t just wishful thinking. I’d suspected it. Seen it in the way he spoke to me. And in the gifts. But his admission was still a surprise.

“I don’t spread my private life around the office. You are the one exception, right now, in all the time I’ve worked there.”

“No one knows about me at work, either. No one,” I said.

“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.” He sat up straighter. “Kiren, I would love to see you again. Would you be up for that?”

“Yes.” My skin went hot all over. My scars tugged at my side, but otherwise it was the best feeling.

“Wonderful.”

I leaned forward. “Will it mean another date?”

“Hopefully many more.”

“I’d like that.”

“I would, too,” Max said. “Would it be all right if we exchanged numbers?”

I grabbed my phone from my pocket. “Yes, please.”

When that was done, Max drove us back to the office. We made our second date for the very next day, which was a Friday. He said he would take me to a nice dinner and we’d discuss things more in detail.

I got home from work that night and went through my usual routine, showering, treating my scars, and eating soup and crackers while cuddling with Brobear on the couch. But everything had changed. It was like I was floating, walking on clouds. The food was great. The TV had on programs that made me laugh. I was excited to see Max again. Even more thrilled to discover he ticked my one big box on my dating list: he was a daddy.

I was still a bit afraid. I talked to Brobear.

“Max is nice. He’ll understand why I’m happy and nervous all at once, right Brobear? He won’t push me into anything physical, I can tell. I’ll be safe with him.”

Though I still worried that my body was ugly, a turn-off, maybe Max wouldn’t be disgusted. Or maybe if things did go far enough to be physical, he’d let me keep a t-shirt on. Or we’d do things in the dark.

My body already wanted him. The moment he’d said he was a daddy, I’d lost control of it. But that was my need blooming beneath the skin after so much downtime. Emotionally, I had some catching up to do, but my body knew what it wanted.

“Brobear,” I said, hugging him hard. “I can’t wait for tomorrow.”

Max arranged it so that we’d both go home from work on Friday night, change, and then he’d pick me up. I enjoyed that he wanted to take that dominant role, driving, choosing the restaurant. He even insisted that he would pay.

I ran around my condo letting out little whoops, hopping up and down in my closet as I chose my outfit. I decided on black jeans and a white pullover sweater. The wind had come up and the night air was cold. My doctors had told me I had to stay warm because my health was what they called fragile. That was an awful word at any age. I had my scarf and jacket ready to go.

I kept running to my front window that faced my tiny driveway, looking for Max. He wasn’t late, I was just impatient.

The tops of the trees swayed. The night sky was weighed down by clouds. Houses across the street from the lot had colorful lights up, dancing in the wind. I tossed my knit cap on the pile by the door with my coat and scarf.

I had no decorations. My first two Christmases after the accident, I’d been home. My parents had trees and gifts. This was my first Christmas in my condo and I didn’t have so much as a Christmas knickknack. Except for Max’s gifts. The windup Santa sat on the coffee table, all shiny and cute, right new to a two-inch light up Christmas tree. My latest gift, the big candy cane, sat on my kitchen counter. That was it.

Pathetic. I loved Christmas. My little side always had. I was going to have to think about what to do about my living space, especially since my parents were taking off this year. Now that they finally had me out of their house and well again, they were going to the Bahamas.

I’d been sad to hear it would be over Christmas, but also glad. Even though they were wealthy now, they still worked hard from home, overlooking every aspect of Living Sun , and they’d taken care of me through the worst of times. They deserved time away. They were leaving two days before Christmas and promised we could have a nice dinner and exchange gifts when they got back in January.

Max couldn’t have timed his entrance into my life better.

I leaned toward the front window again, searching the streets for car lights turning into the complex. I realized I had one hand behind my back, my fingers crossed. And in the background of my mind was a chant.

Please let this work out. Max is so beautiful and nice. I want him. I want him badly.

Finally, Max’s car drove into the lot. I ran to the front door, then hesitated. Should I run out to meet him or would that look too desperate?

I held myself back. Maybe I should let him come to the door and ring the bell.

I shuffled from one foot to the other. When I peered out the peephole, Max was already out of his car. He carried something small in his arms.

I opened the door so I could see better. The cold air blew in. Max saw me and called out.

“Hey, Kit.”

“I’m all ready.”

“Great. But first, I brought you something.”

As Max got closer, I saw he held a little tree about one foot tall. It had shiny little ornaments tied to its branches and gleamed under the walkway lights. When he stepped up the little step that led to my door, he held it out.

“For me?”

“I never go to someone’s house empty-handed,” Max replied.

“Another gift?”

He smiled. “Of course.”

I took it into my hands. It was beautiful.

“Flip the switch at the base and it lights up,” he said.

I felt for the switch and moved it. The tree flickered with multicolored lights.

I looked up at Max. “Like the tiny one only bigger. I love it.”

He grinned. “I hoped you might.”

“It’s my first decoration of the season. Other than the plastic walking Santa and the tiny tree you left me.” Backing up, I said, “Come in while I put this in the perfect place and get my coat on.”

Max took a step inside, glancing about. My place was tidy. I’d only been here six months and didn’t have a lot of stuff accumulated.

I set the little tree on my coffee table right beside the toy Santa and mini-tree.

“It looks perfect there,” Max said.

He glanced at my couch where Brobear was still resting. His eyebrow rose.

I watched him, trying to read his facial expression. As a daddy, he should like the confirmation that I had toys.

Max smiled. “What a delightful place you have.”

My chest filled with bubbles bursting all over. “Thanks.”

When would I get to start calling him Daddy? I couldn’t wait.

“Are you hungry?”

I swung my arms back and forth. “Yes. I’ll grab my coat.”

“Of course.”

Nerves had me on edge, but happy.

We headed out.

The neighborhood was all lit up with light trees and deer and blowup Santas. I loved the icicle lights that were a pale neon blue. People in this area loved to decorate for the holidays. It was as if all the lights shone into me, bright and happy. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt this way.

Max’s car was warm, steam on the windows dissipating when he turned on the defogger. Sitting in the passenger seat headed for a good meal with this lovely man was the best. I would not have sought it out on my own. But because Max played secret Santa, now here I was.

“Thank you for leaving me all those gifts,” I said.

“You’re welcome.”

“You really are a daddy, aren’t you?”

“I really am. And I can’t believe how lucky I am to have found you. Right under my nose all this time. The cute boy in accounts who hides on the rooftop at lunch.”

I blushed. “It’s just that I’m still getting used to things. To the people.”

“Because they know who you are?”

I nodded.

“It’s awkward. I can understand,” he said.

His words comforted me, but he didn’t yet know all my other secrets. Plus, I never went back to college. I often had dreams about that, feeling guilty that I missed all my classes, that I never graduated. It was my own mind playing tricks on me. Lots of people didn’t finish college and were smart and successful. But somehow, missing out on that haunted me, along with the expectations of my parents. They had wanted me to go further, even to grad school for whatever subjects interested me. I hadn’t even begun to find that out before the accident.

I clamped down on all those negative thoughts and rubbed my hands together.

“So,” I said. “Where are we going for dinner?”