Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Lilith froze. It was bad enough that she’d had a meltdown when the masked men had stormed Staunton’s office. Reminders of the last time she’d been in a similar situation had slammed into her, and instead of her flight instinct kicking in, she stood immobile, unable to do anything until a man came up to her, and that was when her fight instinct had shown up. She’d fought with everything she had to shake off his hold, which he’d done straight away. But he kept talking. His voice soothing in a weird way.

Eventually his words had penetrated, and she’d calmed down enough to be escorted from the room, long after they’d dragged Staunton out. While she’d been glued to the floor, he’d been shown out quicker than she could blink.

But now she wanted to run back into Staunton’s office. It somehow seemed safer in there than out here with the man who stood in front of her.

“You know her?” the man, who’d told her his name was Irish while he was trying to calm her, asked. He was barely cupping her elbow, and somehow, deep down, she knew he wouldn’t hurt her, and if she wanted to get away, he would make sure she did.

Julian Bennington nodded, his eyes never leaving hers. What was he doing here? Why wasn’t he in jail with the rest of the people who’d run Freedom and Love? Although he hadn’t been around the day of the raid. Not that she’d seen, anyway.

For months, she’d seen him from afar. Even with his scruffy hair and long beard, there had been something about him that had captured her attention. Maybe it was the way he held himself, confident, with a touch of arrogance. Typical of most of the men in the cult, but from what she’d observed, he hadn’t flaunted it as much as the rest of the men.

Of course, she’d never gone up and talked to him. Anything like that was frowned upon and led to punishment, a punishment she’d never wanted to endure. Who wanted to be banished to a shed for a week with nothing but bread and water? But there were times she’d wanted to.

And then one day , he’d been right beside her, and her palms had gotten sweaty. Her cheeks had heated, and she’d prayed that he’d think it was the sun that had caused the flush, and not his proximity.

Knowing that it was wrong to be so close to a man, Lilith had tried to ignore him when he spoke to her, but she hadn’t been able to resist. After that one encounter, hope had sprung like an oasis in her. She’d hoped life could be different for her, that she wouldn’t be forced into a marriage with a creepy, older man. Not that marriage seemed on the cards for her. She was a lot older than the other girls who were chosen. Not one man had staked a claim, something her parents constantly berated her about. Some days she’d wondered if someone had deliberately sabotaged her when she’d been of marriageable age. Said something to Ralph or one of the other elders. Although that made little sense, as her parents would’ve been told about it. Perhaps they had, and that was why they said those things they’d always said to her. There was no chance she’d ever find out now, seeing as she didn’t know where her parents were. In the grand scheme of things, it didn’t matter, and it was just as well she’d never had to endure what other women had had to.

Which was why she’d thought Julian talking to her was something positive for her. That it was his way of indicating that perhaps he wanted to marry her. The fact he was still single, considering his closeness to Ralph, surprised many. She’d heard some chatter. As much as she tried to tamp it down, the idea sprouted, and she wondered if things were about to change for her.

Only, the oasis she believed she’d seen had proven to be a mirage. The next time she’d seen Julian and stopped beside him, he’d acted the way all the men acted in Freedom and Love. He’d shunned her attempt to talk. Had looked at her as if she was nothing but an annoying speck of mud on his boots. As he’d walked away from her, she’d vowed that she never wanted to see or spend time with Julian Bennington ever again. Not long after, she’d found out he was to be married, and she felt like a fool. He’d toyed with her by talking to her. Teased her into hoping. Hope was dangerous when living in a cult.

Nothing had changed, though. She still didn’t want to be anywhere near him.

Lilith shook off Irish’s light hold and rushed toward the front door of the house, wanting the freedom it represented.

Once outside, she didn’t stop. She ran past the people gathering up the members of the cult and headed for her hut. It wasn’t much, but it had still been hers.

No one attempted to grab her, and when she got inside, she closed the door and leaned against it, her chest heaving from her exertion.

Why didn’t she feel elated Staunton had been taken away? That The Hopeful Sunshine commune was possibly being disbanded? Just like Freedom and Love had been.

Lilith staggered over to the cot and collapsed on it. So many thoughts zoomed through her mind, and she couldn’t focus on a single one.

What did this mean for her?

Was she free again?

Did she want to be free?

Yes…maybe.

A knock, followed by the creak of the door opening, had her looking up, although she didn’t need to know who’d be standing in the doorway. She’d been expecting him ever since she saw him standing just outside Staunton’s office.

How ironic that the cause of one of her many humiliations in life was witness to yet another one.

Was Julian laughing at her, knowing that she’d been suckered into joining another cult after already escaping one? One that he’d been deeply involved in.

Did he think that because it had happened to her again, he could manipulate her to do his bidding this time around?

“Are you okay, Lilith?” Could she trust his question, or was he using it to fish out information from her so he could manipulate it in a way that benefited him?

“Go away.”

Way to sound petulant.

Who cared if she sounded petulant? Julian needed to keep his distance.

“Do you want to stay here?” he asked, surprising her. Why wasn’t he demanding she give him answers? After all, he’d done that plenty of times when they had been members of the Freedom and Love cult.

“Sure.” No, she didn’t want to stay living in squalor now that she didn’t have to. But where else could she go?

Wait, she’d been down this road before. She’d seen the buses as she’d been running back to her hut. The Feds would put all the women and children on them to ferry them away to be questioned about what they’d experienced. They would then be required to stay at whatever place they’d driven them to, until family members had been contacted, and they could be collected by them. Or, like Lilith, whose parents hadn’t cared what happened to her. They’d been devastated that the life they’d known had been ruined. In the end, she’d been left to fend for herself with a bag of second-hand clothes and a nominal amount of cash to “get started,” the authorities said, and ushered out the door.

That was the past, and this was now. No way was she going to fall for their offers of help again. She would make her own way. While it wasn’t a lot, she still had some money in her bank account. If it was still open. Would someone flag it as suspicious if there’d been no activity on it for a year?

It wouldn’t matter if it wasn’t flagged. She didn’t have her identification. It had been taken from her by Staunton when she’d arrived.

Ugh, she’d have to ask for help, but she sure as heck wouldn’t be asking Julian. She’d find that Irish guy and see if he could get her what she needed, and then she’d make her own way away from this dump.

All through her chaotic thought processes, Julian stood silently at the door, not inside and blocking it, but outside and just to the side, so he could see in, but she could leave if she wanted to.

Interesting.

Why wasn’t he preventing her from leaving without his permission?

But wait. Something about him was different. The scruffy beard was gone, and his dark blonde hair was shorter than the last time she’d seen him. He wore a vest like the one Irish had. The lanyard around his neck had a laminated card hanging from it. Even from where she sat, she could make out the letters FBI on the card.

Julian worked for the FBI? How was that even possible? Didn’t they recruit people out of college?

“Why are you here?” she asked. “Are you really an FBI agent, or is it a trick to lure me back to Freedom and Love?”

Lilith didn’t know why she added the last bit. Freedom and Love had been disbanded, but Julian hadn’t been there. He could’ve started it up again.

She reached up and squeezed the bridge of her nose, welcoming the slight sting of pain. Everything seemed so overly inflated in her mind.

“May I come in?”

She dropped her hand, her mouth hanging open. “What?”

Julian waved his arm at the interior of her place. “I asked if it was okay to come in. If you’d prefer me to stay here, I will.”

“What game are you playing now, si—I mean, Julian.” She hated that she’d defaulted immediately to how she had been trained to refer to men her whole life. It didn’t matter that she’d caught herself. She’d believed Julian had power over her when he didn’t.

“No game. I’m here to help.”

Lilith laughed at that. “You? Help? This really is a joke. I’m going to walk out there and find out that everything has been an elaborate production put on by The Great Sir Staunton to make sure we all keep kowtowing to him.”

A flash of pity flared in Julian’s eyes before he blinked, and it was gone. He may have tried to hide it, but she’d seen it. He thought she was pathetic. That she’d been so desperate and stupid, she’d fallen in with a cult again.

Did he think she enjoyed being a subservient to the male species of the world? Hell no, she didn’t. All she’d wanted was a better opportunity to improve her life and believed the flyer she’d found would give her a job that would help her improve her financial situation. Instead, she’d ended up right back where she’d started when she’d been a two-year-old and her parents believed whatever rubbish Ralph Williamson had fed them. They’d never told her how they’d ended up in Freedom and Love, just that Ralph gave them hope life would be better living in the compound.

“It’s not a show. This is real. You’re free to walk out this door and do what you were doing before you came here.”

But how was working two jobs for minimum wage any better than what she’d been doing here, getting paid nothing? And could she believe him when he said the badge was real? “Is that all you wanted to say? Because if so, you can leave now.”

“Do you have somewhere to go?” Julian asked softly.

Considering she hadn’t paid her rent for a year on the crappy apartment she’d lived in, the answer to that question would be no. And she really didn’t want to go to wherever the FBI was sending everyone. After what had happened earlier, the idea of being around any of the women wasn’t one she wanted to consider.

“I’ll find something.” If she was going to stop relying on people, men in particular, then she wouldn’t be asking Julian for his help. As it was, she still didn’t quite trust him. How could she, when she’d seen firsthand how he could be? How he could not only believe the crap Ralph sprouted, but actually put it into action. Granted, it was a few years ago, and if he was working for the FBI, surely he would’ve had to go through various tests and psych analysis for him to be accepted.

Then again, after living at Freedom and Love for as long as he had, he was probably the master of fooling people into believing anything he said.

Lilith tensed as she heard the scuff of boots coming onto the small porch of her hut. Was this the moment when she’d be dragged back to the house?

Nope. Not happening. She didn’t care if she got beaten to a pulp. She wouldn’t be quiet and go along with everything.

“You good here, Julian?”

It sounded like Irish. If Irish was talking to him, that had to mean Julian hadn’t lied to her.

“I am, but Lilith needs assistance. Can you help her?”

What? Julian wasn’t going to stay and tell her what she was supposed to do?

Maybe he had changed, but for Lilith, it was hard to grasp, especially after what she’d endured the last year. She didn’t trust herself. Didn’t trust what her mind was telling her.

Irish looked at Julian. There appeared to be a silent conversation going on between them, which fascinated Lilith. She’d seen nothing like it because even though the men had power over the women in the commune, the men wouldn’t dare hold Staunton’s gaze. He would’ve seen it as a challenge to his position and squashed it immediately.

“Are you sure?” Irish asked.

Julian glanced over at her, and she did what she hadn’t done once in the last year. She met his gaze head on. “Yes, she’ll feel safer with you than me.”

“Why is that?” Irish glanced between her and Julian, as if he was trying to solve a puzzle.

“Because he’s an ass, and I don’t trust him,” Lilith interjected, needing to remind the two men that she was in the room. Surprising that she felt like she could butt into their conversation, when only a few hours ago the thought would’ve had her stomach churning with anxiety.

“Julian, care to elaborate?”

“Long story, Irish. Let’s just say Lilith and I have a past.”

“Right,” Irish said as he made a move to walk into the house but paused. “Is it okay if I come in?”

How was it that both these men asked her that question? Was that part of their silent conversation?

Lilith mentally scoffed. There was no possible way they’d had a discussion using their minds. Still, she appreciated the gesture. “Yes.”

Irish crossed the threshold, and she was surprised when Julian stayed where he was. Again, another sign that perhaps he’d changed. “Is there anything you want to take with you, Lilith?”

She could easily imagine what both men were seeing as they looked at her hut. They would see a place no bigger than a standard-sized room with her cot tucked into the corner and her threadbare rug in the middle of the dirt floor. There was no bathroom. If she had to go, she visited the communal toilet, which was nothing more than a sizeable hole in the ground over the rise behind her hut. Nothing remotely personal existed in her space. Initially , she’d collected some blooms from the plants she tended and had dried them, putting them in the cracks in the walls to make it look pleasant. But after a month, she hated seeing the lifeless flowers and had thrown them away.

Now the walls were as bare as the day she had been shown her accommodations.

“Does it look like there’s anything I would want to keep here?” She wasn’t usually this snarky. In the mental conversations she had with herself, she’d been as snarky as hell, but any actual spoken conversations, she kept her voice low and her answers to yes or no, or the bare minimum.

“No, but I had to ask anyway. How about we leave?” Irish suggested.

Lilith looked at the door. She could walk through it and never have to come back to this place. But what was beyond that door was scary and unknown. Did she have the courage to face it?

What if she failed again?

Perhaps she was that weak and submissive person she kept telling herself she wasn’t.