Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty-Five

With Cass curled in his embrace, contentment swirled around Irish. A feeling he never thought he’d experience again. Or, more to the point, allow himself to feel again. Even though he’d done nothing wrong, guilt still ate at him that he hadn’t seen what his former teammates were doing. How far they’d fallen into the clutches of the enemy.

He should’ve seen it. Should’ve known about what they were doing. Irish hadn’t, yet instead of outing them, he’d taken the fall for them.

After all, they weren’t able to defend themselves. Bullets had ensured that they weren’t able to tell tales. Bullets he hadn’t fired at them. Bullets that should’ve taken him out but hadn’t. Which made it so much easier for everyone to believe him .

“You’re tense. What’s wrong?” Cass whispered.

His immediate response was to brush her off, like he’d always done.

How many times recently had he believed he was going to tell her, only to change the subject or leave it hanging?

A few.

As much as he wanted to deflect her question, he wouldn’t. “I was thinking about my former Delta teammates.”

“Do you want to talk about them?”

“Not really, but I need to. I want to tell you everything,” Irish said, keeping his voice low and steady. Struggling to breathe through the idea of the confession.

Would he really tell her everything?

He still had no idea whether she’d used her magic computer skills and accessed his service record.

Did it matter if she had?

He couldn’t answer that. In a way it would make things easier if Cass already knew the sorry tale and didn’t think of him any differently. However, it would also mean she’d lied to him and—he didn’t like that idea. If she did know, she hadn’t said anything to anyone. Then again, neither had Irish.

No one knew the truth because he’d kept it to himself. Everyone believed what they wanted to believe.

Except Ox. His boss had never asked what’d gone down on the mission that’d led to Irish’s discharge. Ox had always believed in him. Stood by him and up for him whenever anyone had questioned his presence on missions, especially when they’d helped out a former member of Fort’s SEAL team.

Cass sat up. “I know,” she whispered quietly. “But I want to hear it from you. I believe what I read wasn’t the whole story. It doesn’t match with the man holding me right now. The man I’ve seen turn himself inside out with guilt when he believed he failed to protect someone, even when that person was a SEAL.”

There was Irish’s answer, and if he was truthful with himself. It stung—a lot. Even though he’d tried to convince himself he’d be okay with it. “I’m not surprised you already know. But why haven’t you pushed me? More importantly, why didn’t you say something when you asked me if it was hard leaving my commission?”

There wasn’t much light in the room, only a sliver coming through the bathroom door because the light was still on from their shower. It was enough for him to see the shame in her eyes. Along with a hint of worry .

Did Cass believe he was going to push her away?

As disgruntled as he might be, he wouldn’t do that because he’d already suspected she’d dug into his past.

“I don’t know why I didn’t. I guess I wanted you to share it with me, without me demanding or prompting you to do it. As I said, I don’t believe what I read in your file. Everything that was written is in direct contrast to the person I see every day. What is the truth, Dylan?”

Damn, she’d gone for a bit hit and used his given name. Irish could deny her nothing when she called him that. He loved hearing it fall from her lips. Not to mention, Cass deserved the truth, and he could trust her not to say anything.

He’d take the truth of the mission and what his teammates had done to his grave. That was a promise he’d made to them, and it was one he was going to keep.

“You’re right. There is more to the story. Much more. It’s hard to talk about and something that can’t get out,” he said.

She laid her hand on his chest, right over his heart, and the warmth from her touch seeped through his flesh and imbedded itself into his soul.

“Whatever you say to me about this will remain here in this room. I won’t breathe a word of it to anyone.”

“I know.” Irish lifted her hand and placed a kiss on her palm before putting it back. “My teammates, they were my best friends. We’d been together for a long time. I’d gone to their weddings and had held their kids. I was the only single one on the team. I didn’t have anything to lose like they did, so I’ve never understood why they didn’t include me in what they’d been doing for years. Maybe it was because they knew I’d talk them out of it. I was the straightshooter. The rule follower. Did everything by the book, and they all knew it. I had no idea they were selling drugs to the people in the places we infiltrated. I don’t know if they started it as a way of getting information then decided it was a lucrative industry and continued. I’ll never find out why they believed it was a good move. It went against everything we fought for.”

Irish closed his eyes, trying to forget the vacant looks in his friend’s eyes when the shower of bullets had stopped and silence had descended around the jungle. Talking about them only made the image more vivid.

“Do you think it was because they had families, and they needed the money?” Cass asked quietly.

He blinked and stared at her closet door. An inanimate object he could focus on while he continued talking. “It could’ve been. I don’t know what they did with the cash. Not one of them made any flashy purchases. Not that I could tell. Maybe they’d just paid their houses off. I don’t know. After everything, their wives didn’t want anything to do with me—which was hard to deal with. Not only did I lose my best friends, I lost their families.” Irish sighed, the loss still a stab to his heart.

“I’m sorry. That must’ve been so hard.”

“It was. I accepted their looks of hatred because, in their eyes, their husbands were heroes.”

“Because of you.”

He scoffed. “I had nothing to lose.”

“You had your career to lose. The one thing that meant everything to you. That’s not insignificant.”

“Maybe, but if the truth had come out, those families wouldn’t have gotten the benefits they needed. Benefits that would help secure their and their kids’ futures. It didn’t matter if I lost it all. I only had myself to support.”

Cass was quiet, and Irish wanted to ask her what was going through her mind.

Whether she thought any differently about him now. The fact she hadn’t pulled away suggested she didn’t have an issue with what he’d done .

“How did it all happen? If they were going and doing these things without you? How did you find out what happened to them?” she asked after a few heartbeats.

“The moment we arrived at the small town in Colombia, I was uneasy. We’d been sent there to try to get intel on a drug trafficker, and if there was an opportunity, we were to take him out as quietly as possible. Mack, my team lead, scoffed when I voiced my concerns. Little did I know, he’d requested this assignment. It was supposed to go to another team. Mack must’ve given a convincing argument to our commander because he switched the missions around. It seemed Mack had been communicating with the trafficker to supply him with weapons in exchange for drugs.”

Cass gasped. “He was going to steal from the United States Government and give them to this person?”

“It seems so. I only know because they all crept out when they thought I was asleep. I didn’t know what they were doing, but my neck was itching like mad, so I knew shit was going to hit the fan. They were in their full combat kit. Faces covered in black paint. Guns strapped on. That had alarm bells blaring. I got up and followed. I hid but overheard the exchange. The dealer gave my team the drugs, but when it came to handing over the weapons, Mack backtracked, saying he wasn’t able to source what he’d promised. Things got heated, and the dealer demanded the drugs back. I don’t know why Mack just didn’t bend. Maybe he didn’t trust they’d be left to walk away alive. I’ll never know who fired the first shot, but the next minute, bullets were flying. From where I was, I took out a couple of the guys, but it wasn’t enough. Everyone was mowed down, including the dealer and his men. My whole team.”

“Oh, Dylan.” Cass snuggled farther into him, and he welcomed her closeness.

Needed it.

“I stood there for five minutes, looking at the carnage surrounding me, not knowing what the fuck I should do. There was no way people wouldn’t have heard the bullets, but no one came. I guess they were used to things like that there and figured it was better to stay away and not get involved. I didn’t have that luxury. We were on a mission, and I had to call it in. I checked the guys over, closing their eyes. I couldn’t look at their blank stares. Mack was still alive, barely. He uttered his wife and daughter’s names. In that moment, I knew what I had to do. I promised him I would take care of it, and his family would be okay. That all the guys’ families would be. He nodded before he took his last breath.” Irish’s hand shook, just like it had that night, when he’d leaned down and, like he’d done four other times, and gently swept his hand down Mack’s face to close his eyes.

“So, you took the blame. Said you were the mastermind of the venture, and your team didn’t know about it and were trying to stop you when they were caught in the crossfire.” Cass’s voice jarred him from that time.

He fought the urge to close his eyes again. “Pretty much. I made the call, and another team came to get us out. It wasn’t pretty. They all looked at me, the only man standing with drugs in my hand, and that was it. The die had been cast. Mission accomplished.”

“No one questioned you or asked you about it.”

“They tried, but I didn’t say anything, which only solidified my guilt in their eyes. When I told my family I’d been dishonorably discharged, after spending some time in an Army prison, they wanted nothing more to do with me. I haven’t spoken to them in years. I know they’re all okay because I make sure they are. I stay in the shadows and watch my parents as they shop. My sister as she plays with her two kids in the park. They never know I’m there, but it makes me happy to know that they’re okay. That what I did hasn’t affected their lives.”

“It’s just affected yours. That’s not fair.” Cass’s voice broke on the last word, tears leaving a glossy trail down her cheeks.

Irish brushed them away with his thumbs. “Don’t cry for me, Alistronia . I knew what was going to happen when I took the blame. Something I’d do over and over because I should’ve done something earlier to stop them. If I had, they could still be alive today.”

“And if you had, they may have done something to you. It sounds like if they were expanding into selling weapons, they were in deep. That they liked the thrill. Maybe a touch of arrogance that they were getting away with it, without anyone knowing. Even one of their teammates.”

He hadn’t allowed himself to think of what might’ve happened if he hadn’t been awake when they’d left their lodgings. The outcome may have been the same, but their families would’ve been left with the knowledge that their men weren’t the honorable soldiers they’d thought them to be. “One thing I quickly got over, thinking about after my first couple of Delta missions, is that you can’t think about ‘what ifs.’ It can do your head in. In the end, things worked out the way they were supposed to. Fortunately, Ox saw beneath the smoke and ignored the white noise and asked me to join Alliez.”

“Does he know?” Cass asked.

“I’ve never told him, and unless you shared it with him, which judging by your question would suggest you didn’t, then no, I don’t believe he knows.”

“I said it before, but I want to say it again. What you told me will stay between us. I won’t breathe a word of it to anyone.”

Irish was able to give a small smile. “I know you won’t.” Emotional exhaustion tugged at him, and he left out a huge breath. For so long, he’d kept what’d really happened that night to himself. Some days, he cursed his former teammates, wishing things had been different, but he’d learned quickly nothing good could come of it. He’d buried it, and with each passing day, it’d gotten easier to deal with.

“Sleep, Dylan. I’ve got your six now.”