FORTY-SIX ARABELLA

FORTY-SIX

Arabella

IT TOOK ALL of my mostly depleted energy to force myself out of bed at a decent hour. I put on a black crewneck and matching sweatpants, threw my hair up into the sloppiest bun ever seen, and made it to the dining hall just in time to get breakfast, since they stop serving at ten thirty.

Got in under the wire since I walked in at approximately ten twenty-five.

I order a skinny vanilla latte and a bagel with extra cream cheese, eager to drown myself in dairy products. Once I’ve grabbed my breakfast, I spy Simone and Hadley occupying a table, Simone rubbing Hadley’s back. Her face looks positively green.

Forgetting all of my Rowan-related troubles—I hate how we ended things last night and I really don’t know how to respond to the text he sent me when I was already asleep—I head over to the table and settle in across from them.

“Hads, are you okay?” I keep my voice gentle because from outward appearance, she looks like she’s suffering through an epic hangover.

“I drank way too much. I still don’t feel right,” she answers, sounding miserable.

“Ugh, that’s the worst.” I take a sip from my latte, grateful I didn’t really drink much at all last night. “You were definitely feeling yourself.”

Simone sends me a stern look while Hadley groans and buries her head in her arms. “Don’t remind me.”

“She got so drunk, she threw up on Rowan,” Simone whispers.

I nearly spill my latte at her revelation. He mentioned her throwing up, but not on him. “What? When exactly did she do this?”

“Right after you left. I was telling him off and then … I just barfed on his shoes.” Hadley lifts her head, her misery written all over her face.

“Telling him off?” Worry fills me. “About what?”

“About you. I told him I was tired of him leading you on.”

“Hadley—”

“And then I told him that he can’t ruin your dreams. You used to love designing jewelry. You were obsessed with it. Until you became obsessed with him.” Hadley shakes her head. “He changed you, Arabella. You can’t let yourself get wrapped up in a boy so much that they distract you from your future.”

“I’m not letting him distract me from my future.” Ooh, I don’t like that she did this. I can only imagine what she might’ve said to Rowan. And how dumb does she think I am? “I’m leaving for Paris in five days, remember.”

“But you don’t want to go,” Hadley points out. Simone remains quiet, which is her normal stance.

“It’s not that I don’t want to go. I just know I’m going to miss it here—and I’ll miss Rowan.”

“Right. Because it’s all about Rowan. Rowan this and Rowan that.” Hadley makes a face. “I told him you were obsessed with him and that he should let you go.”

“Hadley,” Simone murmurs, shaking her head, while I gape at my friend.

“You actually said that to him?” I am incredulous. I’m also angry.

Why did she do that? She needs to stay out of my relationship.

“You know how I am when I drink. My mouth gets big and I probably say too much.” Hadley winces. “I was only telling him that stuff to protect you. He needed to know.”

It’s my turn to bury my face in my hands. My appetite is gone. I don’t even want the latte anymore. I can’t believe she told him that. “You were definitely too harsh.”

“I don’t care! He deserved to hear it. It’s not healthy, how wrapped up you are in him. I’m only watching out for you,” Hadley cries.

“He told me he loved me, Hads. Rowan loves me. Our relationship is definitely not one-sided.” She meant well. She always means well, but this time, she took things a little too far.

Distressed, I reach for my locket, but I grasp at nothing. It’s not there. I wrap my fingers around the base of my neck, fully expecting to feel the chain move beneath them but it’s gone.

“Oh no,” I whisper. “My necklace.”

“I noticed you weren’t wearing it,” Simone says. “And you’ve always got it on.”

“It must’ve fallen off.” Frantic, I jump to my feet, looking under the table but it’s not there. “I wonder where I lost it.”

“You should retrace your steps.” Simone stands. “Do you need help?”

“Yes. Yes, I do.” I grip the back of the chair I just vacated, running over my every step in my mind. “I came straight here from my room so I guess we should start from there.”

“I’ll help too.” Hadley makes her way over to me and wraps me up in a hug, resting her head on my shoulder. All I can do is pat her back awkwardly, still kind of mad with her but also kind of not? I don’t know how to feel. “I’m sorry, Arabella. I should’ve never opened my big mouth.”

I say nothing. I’m not about to lie and say it’s okay, or it’s all right because it’s not. She had no business saying what she did to Rowan. She says she did it because she was watching out for me, but it feels more like she made everything worse.

The three of us retrace my steps through the dining hall and then outside, on the lookout for my locket, but we don’t spot it. We enter the dorm building, make our way to my room and find nothing. Once I’m in my room, I take apart my bed, figuring I lost it when I was sleeping, but after I tear off the blankets and sheets, I come up empty.

“It’s not in here.” Simone emerges from my tiny bathroom, coming to a stop when she sees my face and no doubt the tears shining in my eyes. “Aw, we’ll find it, Arabella. I know we will.”

“I made that locket. I drew it and my mom took it to a jeweler and had it created for me.” I let the tears fall, then wipe them off my cheeks, frustrated with myself. Why didn’t I notice it was gone sooner? “I haven’t taken it off in all the time I’ve owned it. It’s my favorite thing in the whole world.”

“Did you have pictures in it so someone might know it belongs to you? Though pretty much everyone knows you wear that necklace,” Hadley says.

“The locket was … empty.” Just like my life. Barren of love for my entire existence until these last few weeks. And lucky me, right when I find love and can put a photo in the locket, of Rowan, I lose it.

This feels like foreshadowing. Like I’m about to lose everything that matters to me. Am I afraid of change? Am I terrified of losing Rowan?

Yes, and yes.

Why did I agree to this apprenticeship again?

“How about at the party?” Hadley asks. “Do you think you could’ve lost it there?”

I remember thinking about the loose clasp at one point last night. “Maybe.”

“You should ask Rowan if he found it,” Simone suggests.

“Maybe I should.” I sink my teeth into my lower lip, hating how unsure I feel at the thought of texting him. “I’ll go to his room.”

“Shouldn’t you text him first?” Hadley asks.

“No.” I shake my head, determination filling me. “I’m going over there. Right now. But you guys don’t have to go with me.”

“Thank God.” Hadley sighs loudly. “I’m so embarrassed about throwing up on his feet. I don’t think I can face him yet.”

I can’t imagine how grossed out Rowan was about her vomiting on him. I’m sure he never wants to talk about it again.

“You’ve got this,” Simone says, reaching out to squeeze my hand. She can probably see how nervous I am, while Hadley is still thinking about what happened last night. “And you might luck out. He probably found your necklace.”

“I hope so.” I squeeze her hand back, grateful for her. Grateful for both of my friends. Despite the fact that Hadley could’ve driven Rowan away.

But he’s made of stronger stuff than that.

I hope.

I KNOCK on Rowan’s door and he answers almost immediately, jerking the door open with a thunderous look on his handsome face. The moment he sees it’s me, his expression softens and he opens the door wider. “Hey.”

“Hey.” I wave like the awkward soul that I am. “How are you?”

“Not good.”

I didn’t expect him to be so honest. “Me neither.”

“You want to come in?”

“Sure.” I enter his room, noticing right away that the rug is gone and the entire place is devoid of any party evidence. “Did you have help getting this all cleaned up?”

“Cal helped a little, but I did most of it.” He reaches behind, rubbing at the back of his neck, his T-shirt rising and offering me a glimpse of his flat stomach. My traitorous body tingles at seeing that sliver of skin and I tell myself to calm down.

“Wow, the Rowan Lancaster cleaning up after a party?” I’m teasing.

“I had to. Your friend threw up all over my feet.” He makes a face. “And the rug. I had to toss it outside.”

“Right.” I wince in sympathy. “She told me about that.”

“You saw Hadley?”

“Yeah, in the dining hall. She feels terrible about throwing up on you.”

“Does she feel bad for accusing me of holding you back and ruining your life?” Row’s brows shoot up.

“She didn’t tell you that you ruined my life … did she?” She better not have.

“Not quite in those words, but she made me feel like shit. I didn’t know … any of that stuff she said to me last night.”

I duck my head, embarrassed. “You had to have known I had a massive crush on you.”

“Well, yeah. You made that pretty obvious.”

I lift my head at his slightly amused tone. “What made you give in, then? Because you had no other prospects? Thought you should take advantage of the one girl who consistently offered herself to you?”

“No. It was never like that, Bells. I had—a crush on you too,” he admits.

Unable to help it, I burst out laughing while he just stands there, gripping the back of his neck with both hands now, seemingly lost. Uncomfortable. I don’t know how to describe it. “You’re kidding.”

He slowly shakes his head, dropping his hands at his sides. “Nope.”

“You had a crush on me.”

“Yeah.” Rowan starts to approach me while I remain stock-still. It’s as if I’m frozen in place. “Like I told you before, we wasted a lot of time. And I’m sorry if I upset you last night. That is the last thing I wanted to do. I’ve been in this weird place ever since you told me you were leaving.”

“Me too,” I admit softly. “And I leave in five days.”

“I know.”

“We have finals all this week.”

He scowls. “Don’t remind me.”

“We have to do well on them if we want to get into college,” I remind him.

“I assumed you weren’t going to college since you got this apprenticeship.”

“What if it doesn’t work out? What if I hate it there?”

Rowan takes another step closer, and I can almost reach out and touch him. “You won’t hate it. It’s going to work out, Bells. I can feel it.”

I blink at him.

“If that’s what you want,” he adds, taking that final step, standing right in front of me. “I’ve been weird toward you because I don’t know how to act.”

“That’s silly. It’s just me.”

“Just you. It’s never ‘just you,’ Bells. You’ve become everything to me. I’m consumed with you. You’re all I think about and you’re leaving me.” The pain I see on his face hurts me too. “I never want to make you feel bad for doing that. You have to do what’s best for you, and I support whatever your choice is but I have to be real with you—losing you? It hurts.”

I throw myself at him, pressing my face against his chest, sighing with relief when I feel his strong arms close around me. We cling to each other, silent until I tilt my head back at the same time that he looks down at me.

“It hurts me too. That’s why we need to make the most of these last few days together, don’t you think? I know we have finals and we should probably study for them, and I have to pack up my entire life before I go to Paris. But I want to spend these last days with you, Rowan.” I send him a pleading look, needing him to be on the same page as me. “Every minute I can steal away with you, I want it. I need it.”

He lets go of me and for a moment, I’m scared he’s going to push me away. But then his hands land on my face and he cups my cheeks, his fingers streaking across my skin, feather soft, while he stares into my eyes. “I love you, Bells.”

I forget all my stress, all my worries at hearing him say those words. “I love you too.”

“I’m in this with you. For as long as I can have you.” He drops a kiss on my forehead and I lean into it, exhaling softly. “Stay with me today.”

“Yes,” I whisper. “Yes.”

There’s no place I’d rather be.