Chapter 30

CHAPTER 30

LO

Her newest videos are now furious that she's been issued a DNA test and that he's claiming he's gay instead of being a decent human being and fathering up. These videos are a mistake because finally the comments are turning on her.

If you're so convinced that it's his, get the paternity test.

You're only angry because you've been caught in a lie. If that's not his kid, he definitely doesn't owe you or it anything.

YOU be the decent human being and get the damn test.

Wow. Changed your tune pretty quickly when you need to back up your claims.

Get the fucking test and shut up.

I don't mark those videos as fake news, but I still spend most of my trip going through her old shit and reporting those. I also go through the comments sections, which have new, less bullshit comments now. I also leave those, but mark the blind followers as hate comments.

Clearly, my hours spent doing this haven't made a difference because all her bullshit is still there. But what else am I going to do on a late flight? Sleeping isn't an option. It's not that long.

The one she posted right after Caulder's interview was simply her laughing for the first minute. Waving her hand in front of the screen. Holding a finger up for her audience to wait.

"My man, you can't just call yourself gay, now. It doesn't work like that baby." She leans forward and gives the camera a haughty look. "You stuck your dick in me. You weren't gay then, Caulder Haines. This isn't going away because you decided that you're going to suddenly like boys."

I do enjoy the comments after that. Almost all of them are in Caulder's favor.

His point isn't that he suddenly decided to be gay. It's that he's been gay all along and never touched your ass.

THAT's that part you want to comment on? Not the fact that he's calling you out to prove your bullshit?

You know what? We should have gotten behind him all along. You crazy.

I admit, if you were coming after me with bs like this, I'd turn to dick too.

You're right—it doesn't work like that. He is gay and he didn't touch you. How about you take the paternity test?

It kills me not to tap the little heart next to some comments. But I don't want my name showing up anywhere in relation to this. To any drama, not just this.

In the two weeks since Caulder's interview went live, there's been a lot of support for Caulder. Not just in hockey—where everyone finally woke the fuck up and decided to speak up on his behalf—but within the LGBTQIA+ community too. There have been a lot of LGBTQIA+ influencers and content creators making short, brief supporting statements. Some of them stating that they understand completely. Straight sexuality isn't a title when heterosexuals are talked about—why should gay men and women be labeled as if it's a salutation? Mr. Smith just won gold. Mr. White was promoted. The gay hockey player just scored a hat trick.

Caulder's full interview lasted more than an hour. I've listened to it several times. The pride that fills me from everything he said makes me feel all warm and gooey inside. It did nothing but emphasize that he's legitimately a good person.

It's been difficult to get back to him in the last two weeks. We managed one thirty-hour visit just north of Nashville when we were both close with away games. Otherwise, we've been stuck with several hundred miles of distance between us. It sucks.

But since Caulder's interview, he's looked a lot better. He sounds better. Not back to where he was before this bitch blew up everywhere, but the stress in his voice doesn't have me so concerned that he's going to have a heart attack. And his skin isn't so sallow.

It's close to one in the morning when my plane lands. Since it's such a short trip, I only have a backpack, so I don't have to stop at the carousel. My Shuttled arrives within five minutes and I'm on my way.

Caulder stopped responding to texts an hour ago, so I assume he's asleep. I don't want to wake him since I know he hasn't been sleeping well over the last month with all the bullshit happening. He gave me a house key the last time I was here because he had to leave for practice, but didn't want me to be stuck at his house while he was gone. It works out now because I don't have to wake him with a text or the doorbell if he is asleep.

The car drops me off and I let myself in. After locking up and slipping out of my shoes, I walk through his dark house and stop in his bedroom doorway.

Caulder is on his back, blankets low on his waist giving me a teasing view of the dick bump under them. I swear, if the lighting wasn't so dim, his head is likely poking out. His arms are up, as if he fell on his back and remained that way. In the hand closest to the nightstand where the lamp is casting a very low light is his cell phone, his head turned that way as if he were watching it.

I take a breath, admiring him. He looks so peaceful. So beautiful.

A yawn overtakes me and I creep quietly into the room so I don't wake him and shut myself in his ensuite. I take a shower to get all the airport germs off me and brush my teeth before stepping back into the bedroom again. I contemplate underwear, but ultimately decide against it.

Caulder jumps a little when I climb on the bed, his hand not holding the phone coming down to rub at his chest. He turns his head and tired eyes meet mine. He smiles and reaches for me.

"Lo," he murmurs, voice thick with sleep.

I bring my body down on his and we wrap around each other. His arms are tight, letting me know how much he missed me. I grip him just as tightly, hoping he feels the same from me in return.

He sighs.

"Go back to sleep," I murmur.

Caulder rolls us so he's on top of me. His mouth moves lazily over my neck as he gives me sleepy kisses. I smile, eyes dropping.

"How long are you here?" he asks.

"Thirty-two hours," I answer.

He sighs again. "I hate long-distance."

"I know. It won't last forever."

He's quiet for a minute before saying, "I talked to Ethan and Jakub about their relationship before Jakub was traded here. Asked them how they made it work."

When he doesn't continue, I prompt him with, "And?"

Caulder yawns. "Just what we're doing," he says. He smiles, his lips brushing against my neck. "Lots of talking, open communication, sexy time on video."

I chuckle.

"I asked them how it didn't become too hard. How did they still love each other? Jakub said he fell in love with Ethan all over again constantly. He said that it started out really difficult, but after the first couple years, it wasn't awful. But the last year he started in Edmonton was the worst. He said he'd started to resent hockey and he'd already been talking about retiring before he was traded to Buffalo so he could be with his husband."

"Yeah?" I ask, wondering if I'm ready to retire yet.

Caulder nods. He yawns again and I'm about to tell him to go to sleep. We can finish talking in the morning. But he continues anyway.

"He said he just reached a point where he'd met all his career goals. He still loved hockey, but his love for the game wasn't what it had been. He was ready to say goodbye to the sport and start his life with his husband. He said it felt like he'd be closing one book and starting a new one and that he was looking forward to it more and more. It was the right decision."

"He didn't need to retire when he got here, though," I say.

Caulder hums. "No. But he's considering it again. They want a baby and Jakub wants to be home full time for their kid."

"That's cool. I'm not sure I'd want to be a stay at home father."

He shakes his head. A minute later, he picks his head up and looks at me. He's so tired.

I brush his cheek and he leans his face into my touch. His skin is warm. His smile is soft. "I love you," he says and my breath catches. "I hope we can figure out how to make long-distance not feel so… painful."

"It's more painful now because you need me here and I can't always be here. Those are the times it's going to be roughest, I think. I'm sure there will be a time when I need you, and hockey will become an obstacle more than a job. But we were doing really well. I think we'll figure it out."

His weight comes down on me again, and he rests his forehead against mine. Another sigh. "My newest fear is that maybe I'm not cut out for long-distance," he whispers. "I want you. So damn bad, Lo. But what happens when I need you here or you need me there and… we can't?"

"We'll figure it out," I tell him, my arm tight around his back with a hand still softly on his cheek, brushing my thumb over his cheekbone. "I know you're wary of promises, but I'm not giving this up for anything. We will figure it out."

Caulder presses his lips to mine. I can feel his exhaustion. "I want to. I don't plan to give up easily. I just… I'm afraid of loving you and then the world getting between us."

"The world meaning hockey?"

"Yes. Hockey."

"I'm not worried about hockey getting between us. Don't get me wrong; I want to be here a whole lot more. I hate when a week goes by before I get to hold you. But I know it's not forever. I know we can sneak a couple days here and there throughout the season. Realistically, until a couple lives together, that's about how much they see each other, isn't it?"

Caulder doesn't answer for a minute. He may have fallen asleep. "Is it?"

I grin. "Yes. I think the idea of so many hundreds of miles between us makes it feel like a bigger mountain than it is. We can do this. As long as we want to. As long as we don't give up easily when the distance feels too heavy."

I roll him over and he smiles up at me as I hover over him. I straddle his hips, planting my hands on either side of his face on the bed. "I love you too. I've known that for a while now, but you've been so emotionally drained by crazy pregnant lady that I didn't want to add more to you in case you weren't there yet. But I love you too. I've loved you my whole life and every life."

His smile widens. "We just met, Lo."

"Maybe we just met in this lifetime, but it's been so easy between us from the very moment I stepped into that hotel room. You were nervous, but you relaxed as we talked. Our attraction was instant. I'm the very first person you told your secret to because you knew me, even if you didn't know you did. I think you were mine in every life I've lived, Caulder."

"I told you because you kept trying to pretend you were a girl," he mutters, but I don't miss the way his eyes look glassy.

"Our souls recognized each other," I insist, bringing my body down to his so I can press my mouth to his soft lips. "Everything in me recognizes you."

Caulder's arms come around me again and he squeezes me tightly. We roll again so we're on our sides, tangling our limbs and holding our naked bodies together so fiercely there's a chance that we'll fuse into one being.

"I don't know if I believe in multiple lives, but I love that. I love that you feel that way. True or not, the idea that our souls have been looking for each other across lifetimes."

"More than that. We've lived lifetimes together. You and me. That's why I'm so confident we're going to be fine. We're going to work. I can promise you the world because I've already given it to you over and over as we've lived a thousand lives. And I'm going to again."

"How do you know I didn't give you the world?" he asks.

"You already did when you told me you love me."

His arms tighten so hard that my ribs ache. We're silent for so long that I'd think he'd fallen asleep except that his hold on me hasn't changed. It's still tight. Still bruising.

"I can't wait to spend my life with you," Caulder whispers.

I nuzzle my face into his neck. "We're already spending our lives together. This is just one adventure. We have many, many more. Every day. Forever."

"You're ridiculously sweet. The way you talk to me makes me fucking melt."

"Good. Now melt asleep, Caulder. You're exhausted."

He laughs quietly.

"Lexa, turn off the light." I'm surprised when it works. I didn't realize he had them hooked up to the apps. "Ooh," I tease, and he laughs for real.