Chapter 29

CHAPTER 29

CAULDER

I'm pacing my living room, knowing that it's just a matter of minutes before the interview is released everywhere. I made a decision that I'm not sure I won't regret once it's out there. But I did it for me. Not because of what this girl is doing.

I think.

I'm fairly confident.

Either way, my world is going to shift dramatically after this and… I'm terrified. What I wouldn't give for Lo to be here right now.

But we both have a game tomorrow on opposite sides of the country, so it just didn't seem logical. In fact, he's traveling right now, which means my nerves are fucking fraying as I pace alone. Lo's on his way home from Edmonton, where Arizona played yesterday.

This last week has been a whirlwind. Lo was here for almost exactly thirty-six hours before he had to go. I didn't leave his arms. We were in contact nearly the entire time. It wasn't until he left that I realized we didn't mess around at all. No groping hands. No orgasms. Not even in the shower.

There was nothing missing from our time together either. Our relationship is more than sex and maybe for the first time, I felt that physically. I mean, I knew that already. Mentally. Emotionally, even. But I kind of thought that the physical parts would outweigh everything else when we were in the same place.

I'm surprised and fucking love that it doesn't. It was the best thirty-six hours I could have asked for. Even though my world was still fucking rocky, I've felt immensely better since he was here.

Of course, now I long for him to be here more. His absence feels louder. My heart aches for him more strongly.

But this week has been… interesting. I'm not sure if this woman posted something new to stir the pot or if someone bit back, but I've received tons of calls in support. People that I don't talk to often. Not because they're not important in my life but because… well, life happens.

Egon Wolf called me. His first words were: "Want me to send a hitman?"

I laughed, but he didn't. I'm going to pretend he wasn't serious. God the way the attention would turn to me then!

Almost right on his heels, everyone from my past life when we were on the college team together reached out—Valenti, Jipson, Coach Adak. All offering me their support. Asking if there was anything they could do.

It touched me in a way that nearly had me in tears. Especially when Coach Adak called.

Now it's quiet. Too fucking quiet. What I wouldn't give for Lo to be somewhere that we could at least be on the phone together. Even if not on video.

The interview is being released in multiple places, both written and audio. I've heard and read both. I approved them.

But fuck, I may pass out.

So I pace back the length of my living room, keeping my attention half on Sports Spot. The doorbell makes me jump and my entire body snaps in that direction. Did… did Lo come back?

I practically run to the door and throw it open. It's not Lo. It's my brother. Behind him is his whole family.

"Luca?"

Luca rolls his eyes. "It hasn't been that long, Caulder," he deadpans. "Please don't tell me you forgot what I look like."

"No, I—" My words trail off as I shake my head. I know he's joking, but I'm too surprised to see him to laugh. "Did I forget you were coming?"

"No, but it's like eight degrees out. You want to let us in?"

"Oh," I say, taking a step back. "Sorry."

The entire household comes in and suddenly, there's no way I can feel like my house is empty with five more men and three kids. Jasmine flings her arms around me right away. She's taller now; I think she's grown like four inches. She's ten now and the top of her head is nearly in my chest.

"Jeez, Jazz. How tall are you now?"

Jasmine shrugs. "Not as tall as you."

Coraline pushes her out of the way. "My turn. Stop being a hog."

"She's bossy for a six-year-old," Jasmine comments, stepping back and unzipping her jacket.

Grinning, I pick up my second niece and hug her tightly.

Destin doesn't try to pry his sister away for a hug. Instead, he just wraps his arms around us both. "You okay, Uncle?" he asks, concern in his eyes.

I kiss his forehead. "I'm good."

"You look less good than you're trying to have us believe," Luca comments.

Fuck, they're going to be here when the interview is live. I think I've done this wrong.

"And now you look panicky," Orson says, frowning.

Because I can't hide this from my face apparently, I turn my back on them and walk into the living room. Should I turn the television off? I think that's more suspicious than leaving it on. Especially since it's almost always on. I like to hear sports updates.

I set Coraline on the couch with her siblings and turn to my brother. "Really, I didn't forget plans? You randomly dropped everything to fly across the country and just drop in?"

He doesn't have a chance to answer before we all hear my name on the television. My breath catches as I stare. Oh no. It's coming.

"Caulder Haines has finally released a statement in response to the accusations against him. If you're unaware or are living under a rock, it's come to light these last two weeks that an aspiring influencer is claiming that after a club hookup, she is now pregnant with Haines' child. There has been zero response from Haines or Buffalo. Even with the damning photo of him in the club," Adrian Tirico says.

"It's probably the photo that's forced his hand," Dari Nolan suggests.

"It's hard to argue that and yet, this is very compelling. Shocking, even." Adrian pauses and a clip of my interview plays.

The room is deathly silent as my voice fills the room. It's surreal hearing myself when I'm not speaking.

"This is a case of mistaken identity," my voice says. "I admit that the man in the picture looks uncannily like me. I even questioned it. But I'm over six feet tall. The man in the picture is at least half a foot shorter than I am."

The recording stops.

"Ohhh," Adrian says and the picture I'm referring to is now on the screen. "That's some sleuthing for sure. I didn't notice that."

A picture of me standing beside our assistant coach pops up next, illustrating my height.

"Definitely curious."

"Keep playing the recording," Dari instructs.

My voice fills the room again. I can feel my brother and in-laws looking at me. Color drains from my face. It's coming. The words are coming.

"Everyone has been quick to raise their pitchforks and blindly believe this woman. I get it—women choose the bear every time because of moments like this where they're mistreated by men. But sometimes, men choose the bear too. I don't know that woman. I've never seen her before in my life. The only time and place I go out is to Sceptre here in Buffalo with my friends. I don't go out when we're on the road except for the night I joined some of the guys at the All-Star Games back in February in Florida. Any of my teammates will tell you that. My college teammates will tell you that. Going out isn't my thing."

I close my eyes. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. It's coming.

"But the truth of the matter and what it really boils down to is simple; if I did go out, I wouldn't touch a woman. I've never touched a woman. I'm gay. I've known I was gay since I was nine. There's never been a moment of doubt, question—nothing. I'm gay. And I've never been with a woman."

The room was already silent, but it feels like a blanket has fallen over us. All the little sounds of life have faded away as blood rushes in my ears. I'm going to be sick. I'm going to pass out. My brother, his husbands, my nieces and nephew are all staring at me as the next question fills the room.

"Why did you choose this moment to come out?" Elrod Barlowe asks. "You know what people are going to say—this seems like a convenient time to announce that you're gay."

I close my eyes as my words rush back to me.

"I chose to keep this to myself because sexuality isn't a public matter. It doesn't affect how I do my job and my private life shouldn't be discussed anywhere. Frankly, it's no one's business who I love or what I do in my free time. The deciding factor to keep this to myself for as long as I have is simple—I don't want to be a gay athlete. I want to be an athlete. My sexuality shouldn't be added onto my occupation. There aren't headlines or comments that lead in with Straight hockey player Caulder Haines but there are headlines that read Gay hockey player Credence Ayrton . I don't want to be constantly labeled by my sexuality. It's not a factor in my career and it shouldn't define me in any way. But I'm choosing to come out now because I think it's important to make the distinction that not every accusation is true. "

"This isn't going to put the argument to rest," Elrod says.

"No. But a DNA test will. A court-ordered paternity test is being served to this woman today that will prove whoever got her pregnant just happened to look like me. I've already been to the clinic for my part."

The interview continues, pausing every few minutes as Dari and Adrian make a comment about the impact of such a statement. On the interview and the message. One of the reasons I've always liked Sports Spot is because they're neutral. They rarely give opinions on anything other than the sport they're reporting on.

But both anchors agree with me. They agree that accusations are not facts. Regardless of how much the picture looks like me, there's no evidence that the picture was taken at the club in question nor on the date in question. There's no evidence of me being seen with this woman except her word.

The show goes to commercials. I wince, swaying on my feet. A beat passes and no one speaks. No one moves.

"Kids, go get a snack," Orson says.

Silently, all three get up and leave the room.

I open my eyes and find myself facing my brother. Fuck. I'm going to be sick for real. I can taste it.

Luca crosses the room and wraps his arms around me. My breath punches out of my lungs and tears sting my eyes. He doesn't speak for a minute.

"You've been carrying that for a long time," he whispers. I nod. "Why didn't you tell me, Caulder? You can't possibly think I'm homophobic."

Several of his husbands snort.

"I didn't tell anyone," I say quietly. "The reasons I kept it to myself are just as I said in the interview. If I'd told anyone at all, there was always the chance it could be broadcast before I was ready. Accidentally. Maliciously. Carelessly. Whatever. But it's my choice when to tell people and I wanted to keep complete control of that decision."

Luca sighs.

Orson wraps his arms around both of us a minute later. He may as well be my brother too. He's been in my life for as long as I can remember. Always with Luca. Always a part of my family.

"We would have taken it to our grave, but we also completely understand and respect that," Orson says. He rests his forehead on my temple.

"I guess I was ready." Realizing in the moment that it's the absolute truth, even though I've been so nervous, my stomach has been sour. "Things have changed in my life recently, and while it looks like this stupid woman is the reason I'm coming out now, it's not. It's just made me realize that I'm ready for other, more important reasons."

"What reasons are they?" Luca asks.

"I, uh… have a boyfriend," I admit and both men take a step back to look at me. "I think I love him. We've been talking about the future and… I don't want to have to sneak around anymore. I don't want to pretend we're just friends when we travel or when we're seen in public."

Luca and Orson look at me incredulously. But it's Zvi who speaks.

"Were you going to wait to introduce us at your wedding?"

I laugh because it's almost exactly what Lo said all those weeks ago. It feels good to laugh. It feels good to tell them. To share this part of my life. Not the being gay thing. That doesn't matter. I know, even to them, a gay household, it doesn't matter.

The part that feels freeing is that I've shared that there's someone important in my life now.

"Mom's going to ground you," Luca says, smirking. "She's going to be furious that you didn't tell her about this boyfriend."

"I love that we get to hear it first," Orson adds, grinning. "I'm going to enjoy holding it over her head too."

I roll my eyes.

"Who is he?" Zvi asks, pushing his way through the two of them and wrapping his arms around my waist for a quick hug. "Do we know him?"

"I'm not telling you who he is. He isn't out."

"So still in secret," Luca comments, frowning.

"There's something really hot about sneaking around," Wren says, wiggling his eyebrows.

All four men look at Vulcan. The big man silently standing in the doorway to the kitchen where he's keeping an eye on the kids blushes madly.

"I don't want to know what that's about," I say, pulling their attention back to me. "But yeah, I'm not upset about keeping our relationship secret—I just don't want to have to . People are going to be poking around now, and I really don't want this part of my life plastered all over the internet for the world to watch and judge. It's still new and I don't want that kind of pressure on us."

"They get bored after a while," Orson says. "It really pisses them off when they don't get a response from you."

"Just like this woman, they're looking for attention," Zvi agrees. "Any attention. Showing them that they're not even worth acknowledging really pisses them off." He shrugs. "They get bored and turn their attention somewhere that will give them what they're looking for."

I nod. "Good to know. I'll keep it in mind. Thanks."

Zvi smiles. "I'm full of useful tips." He gives me a wink before turning around and dropping onto my couch.

"Just so it's out there—I'm not asking for tips."

He grins, waggling his eyebrows. I sigh.

"Thanks for being here," I say, leaning against Luca. He wraps an arm around me. "I've been borderline freaking out knowing that this was going to drop today and I was here alone. I really appreciate you being here."

"You could have just asked," Luca tells me. "I'd have come, no questions asked."

I nod. "I know. I… don't even have a reason that I didn't. My friends would be here too if I asked. But I guess part of me was afraid of being here with people who didn't know and then it being told to them by my voice on the TV and… the conversation I'd have to have."

"That conversation is going to come, regardless," Orson reminds me.

"Yes, I know. But… yeah. I don't know."

"Brother intuition," Luca says. He squeezes me close. "Now let's talk about this boyfriend."