Chapter 22

CHAPTER 22

LO

"Okay. You have one brother, Luca. Right?" I ask, glancing at the phone. We're on video call as we both move throughout the house doing our thing. This is one of my favorite things to do and we do it often.

As soon as we both get home from whatever hockey obligations or friendship commitments, we're on a video call. We don't just sit around, though. Usually, we go about our day, but with each other. It's almost like we're in the same room. Cleaning together. Cooking together. Folding laundry together.

It's domestic, and I fucking love it.

"Yes," Caulder confirms.

I thought that at some point, we'd run out of things to talk about. That hasn't happened yet. There's rarely any quiet time and when we are quiet, it's comfortable. Like we can just sit in each other's company and it's not a big deal.

"Luca is married to Orson," I continue.

"Uh huh," Caulder agrees.

"And they have… do you call them boyfriends?"

"Nah. I just refer to them as husbands too. The world is a little slow in catching up to accepting that it's completely possible to love more than one person, so it's not a legal marriage but they all wear wedding bands."

"Ah. Okay so their other husbands are Zvi—porn star extraordinaire." Caulder laughs. "Wren and Vulcan, fire god."

"I think it's volcano god, but yes."

"And they have two boys and a girl?" I know that's wrong as soon as I say it. Caulder is shaking his head.

"Nope. Two girls and a boy."

"Right, right. But you don't see them often."

Caulder sighs. "We try. Orson's step brother lives in NYC and they bring the kids there for field trips and shit, but there's not a whole lot out here. How many times can they see Niagara Falls?"

"I mean, you can take a day trip to Canada," I suggest.

"Yeah. Don't get me wrong. We get together as frequently as we can during the season. But yeah, I don't get to see my nieces and nephew—or brother and in-laws—as much as I'd like."

"So you're not close," I say.

Caulder shrugs. "Meh. Close-ish. But no, we've never been extremely close. He had Orson growing up and I had hockey. Hockey kept me busy almost all the time."

"Mmm," I agree. There's a pause before I continue. "And your parents are still married."

"Yep. Classic high school sweethearts. They even still act like they love each other."

"But do they like each other?"

He laughs. "Yes! Luca and I give them a hard time, which I find funny since Luca also married his high school sweetheart. Honestly, they have a very classic romance. The kind of enduring love everyone wishes they can find. It doesn't fade or grow tired. I'm pretty sure they love each other more all the time. I constantly hear my dad saying how he keeps falling in love with my mother all over again. It's nauseating and yet… goals, you know?"

I do and I don't. My family doesn't look like that.

"And you're an only child," Caulder says. "Done."

I snort, pulling my hands out of the sink and drying them on a dish rag. I lean against the counter to watch him spray down his counter and wipe it. It's cute that we end up moving through the same room together. Sometimes I wonder if we do that consciously, or if that's just where we gravitate naturally.

"No, okay. You grew up with your cousin, Adèle. You're a week apart in age?" I nod. "She's your cousin on your mom's side—mom's sister. Yeah?"

"Yep."

"She has three baby daddies and seven babies, in alphabetical order: Béatrice, Cédric, édouard, Nathan, Ophélie, Philippe, and Rosalie."

"It's hilarious that you memorized them alphabetically."

He flashes me a grin. "I couldn't think of an acronym for age order, so I'm working on that for round two."

I laugh.

"Okay, this is where your life gets wild." He stands straight and picks up the phone to look at me. I grin. "Your parents divorced when you were seven because your dad was having an affair with your mom's sister. Not Adèle's mother, but the third sister. So your mom decided to really fuck up some shit and married your dad's mother—your grandmother. And they've been married for… twenty years?"

Chuckling, I nod. "Yep. Wild shit, right?"

"Man, that could be a soap opera," Caulder muses, setting the phone down again. I watch his sexy ass walk to the fridge and open it. "Was it crazy growing up?"

"Not as much as you might think, no. There was definitely drama when it came out that my dad was having an affair with my aunt. There are still some unanswered questions about who biologically fathered a couple of my cousins from that aunt. Also, that aunt has definitely been shunned by the family. Outside of that, there was no drama. Except what my dad tried to pull when my mom and grandmother got together. Man, was he pissed."

Caulder shakes his head, chucking. "This is like old English families. Keeping the bloodline close."

I laugh. "They're not related, babe."

"Oh, I know, but saying ‘my mom married my grandmother'? Yeah, that's an image."

"Yeah, okay. Fair. My mom married my father's mother. Better?"

Caulder laughs. "No. But also clearer. I feel like my life is kind of boring compared to yours."

"Nah. You have a healthy, happy couple to look up to. You know what it looks like to be loved and treated well. I love my family, and I think I'm pretty well rounded as far as knowing what a healthy relationship looks like. But it's from the outside. Not direct observation. Bouncing between Mom and Dad was… weird. Mom with Grandma, that was fucking confusing. Just as confusing as Dad with Auntie Lydia. I'm not saying they weren't happy, but watching my family fracture into different, strange combinations and seeing the kind of havoc that created?" I shake my head.

"I can understand that. I definitely have a very rosy idea of what a relationship should look like." He pauses in cutting up his berries. "Sometimes I wonder how Mom's going to feel when she finds out that she has two gay sons," he admits quietly.

"Was she upset about Luca coming out?"

Caulder shrugs, shaking his head. "No. Not that I recall. To be fair, I don't think Luca ever came out. There was never a discussion or announcement or… anything. It's like…." he trails off, staring into nothing as he thinks about it. "I don't know. Like they'd always been together. One day he called Orson his boyfriend instead of his best friend. Then they were having a kid and getting married." He shrugs.

"That's how it should be," I insist. "Sexuality shouldn't be a conversation. There shouldn't be ‘coming out' or labeling of any kind."

He nods, still staring at nothing. Then he blinks and turns back to his berries. "You're right. I think they're not going to care. I'm confident that they're not."

"Maybe you do the same thing. Just come home one day and introduce me to your parents as your boyfriend."

Caulder's knife pauses. A beat passes before he turns his face to look at me. There's a small smile on his lips. "Is that what we are?"

I shrug. "Do you need me to ask? I'm not sure what the protocol is with this."

He laughs, rolling his eyes. "Dunno."

"Unless you want to be lovers? You can totally introduce me as your lover."

His laughter is louder this time. "Yeah, that's not going to happen."

"Boyfriend it is. Unless you want to just clue everyone in on our wedding day."

The knife snaps on the board. Caulder looks at me with wide, wary eyes. I burst into laughter. "Relax, babe. I'm playing with you. I'm not jumping that far ahead. I'm just imagining the shock on people's faces."

He doesn't look away for a minute. "Hmm," he answers, pressing his lips together.

Marriage is a sensitive subject…?

"Okay let's talk about that," I press.

"That's not how I'm introducing you."

"I like the boyfriend idea best too. But let's talk about marriage."

"Lo, I'm really loving what we're doing, even if the distance is a little frustrating, but it's been two weeks. We're not having that discussion."

I chuckle. "I'm not talking literally. I mean… is that something you see yourself doing in the future? Marriage? Kids?"

He sighs. It's deep and heavy. His shoulders rise and fall with a big breath. "I don't know," he says after a minute. "Marriage, yeah. I think I've always imagined that. I've got some impossible standards as far as a relationship is concerned because settling for anything less than what I've seen growing up just feels… inadequate. I want that kind of love, you know?"

I nod.

"But kids? I don't know. Meddy has nine kids, and I've been around them a lot. They're great. I've played with them, held them, changed them, fed them. I love his kids. I'm just not sure I want to take care of someone every day for eighteen years. Maybe longer. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely taking care of myself. I don't know if my decisions are right in the big picture sometimes—everything feels huge some days. But they only affect me, you know? Adding a kid to that… it's not just me that something I decide will affect. It could potentially have a disastrous effect on a helpless child who's solely dependent on me."

"Curious that you're talking as if you're a single parent," I point out.

Caulder stops mixing the contents of his bowl. Then he laughs. "Yep, I was. That's weird." He glances into the phone at me. "What about you?"

"Definitely marriage. And yeah, I think I want a kid or two."

He chuckles. "No reason or justifications. Just yes. I wish I could be that way about literally anything."

"I don't wish that for you." Caulder looks at me again, his eyebrows knit together. "I love how you think things through as thoroughly as you do. It's not careful and overly cautious, but informed. You examine how you feel, so when you make a decision, it's already been thoroughly vetted internally."

"You definitely romanticized the chaos in my head," he mutters.

I laugh. "I think you're amazing just the way you are, Caulder Haines. Don't change anything about yourself."

There's this look he gets when I know I've managed to say something that's pulled on his emotions. His eyes get a little glassy and he blinks it away, swallowing it down again.

So I don't make him feel uncomfortable, I change the subject. "Hey, let's talk about sex for a minute."

Caulder laughs. "Sure. Fine."

"I bought you something. It'll be there next week. There's no pressure to use it—alone or with me, but I have a feeling you're not going to buy yourself one, and I want you to have that option."

Caulder's eyes are huge as he stares at me. His cheeks flush. This man is so damn sexy when he's flushed.

"You didn't."

"It's not huge. It's a good first-time trial size."

His eyes shift around the room as if someone is going to come out of the walls and catch him with a dildo. That's not even there yet. "Lo, someone could find it."

"How often do you let people go through your nightstand?" I ask.

"I don't. But?—"

"It's your room, Caulder. I know you're very good at drawing a line and not letting someone cross it. Your bedroom seems like one of those places."

"Yes," he agrees, then presses his lips together. "But what if?—"

"Listen to me," I say and his gaze locks on mine through the screen. "No one will find it. No one will even look for it. This is your house, baby boy. Yours. You can shut doors and there won't be any questions. And again, I want you to have the option. This isn't a pressure tactic. I don't care if you never let anything in your sexy little hole except my fingers, Caulder. Fuck, if you don't even want that again, I'm cool with your choice. It's your body. But I don't want you to hide from exploring yourself out of fear. You're safe."

Caulder takes a deep breath. His chest expands as he holds it and then lets it out slowly. He nods. "I do want your fingers," he says, cheeks pinking. "I… don't know about bottoming yet. I don't know how I feel about sex yet. I'm not even sure why I don't know."

"That's okay," I promise. "If you want to talk about it, we can. If you don't, that's all right, too."

A grateful smile settles on his pretty lips. "I don't know what to say about it. I'm not sure why I'm so hesitant. I still feel a little panicky when I think about it now."

I fucking love that he wants to talk about it. With me!

"You feel that way because there's a possibility it can happen," I say. "It might be why you feel that way now and haven't before. A month ago, it was always hypothetical, in the distant future. Now, you have someone who really wants you. It can happen now. In just a couple more weeks, if you're ready."

We have one more game this year. On March 12. Are we counting down? Fuck yes. We have a plan and we're going to make it happen. This man is spending the night in my bed. Sex or not, I need him in my bed.

Caulder shivers. "You're right. There was no possibility before. And now there is. I've worked it up so much in my head that I just feel… overwhelmed."

"I'm going to make this decision then. No penetrative sex. Not this time. We can revisit this summer."

He gives me a demure look.

"Caulder, I want you to be sure. I don't want you to feel any kind of pressure. Not from me and sure as fuck not from yourself. If there's even the slightest possibility you're going to regret it, I'm taking it off the table."

"Lo—"

"No. We're not having sex. Sorry, I'm not having sex with you. Don't try to change my mind."

He laughs, closing his eyes. A beat passes and then he says, voice low, "Just so you know, I want to. Really bad. I think about it a lot. I'm just… afraid."

"I know you don't like all the promises I make, but I'm going to make you one more. When you're ready , I'm going to make it so fucking good for you, Caulder. Bottom or top, doesn't matter. I will make sure you have a night you will never forget for all the right reasons. I promise you this."

There's that look again. I touched something deep inside him. Something emotional.

"I really miss you," he says. "I'd give anything for a hug."

Sighing, I nod. "Me too, babe. Me too."