Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17

CAULDER

We don't speak when we get back to the room. No words at all pass between us. As soon as the door is locked, we're on each other. Stripping and stumbling into the bathroom for a more thorough run though the shower again.

Without drying, we land on the bed. There's a light on beside the bed and I assume housekeeping left it on. We're usually in the dark or fucking around by the light of the television. I like that I can see him. I can admire him.

I'm not sure why, but there's urgency in our touch tonight. Desperation to get somewhere. His fingers go right to my hole and I think he wants to fuck, but it feels so good when he fingers me, I let the thought slip away.

I love to touch him. His body is perfect and sexy and I love everything about it. The shape, his height, his smooth planes with light hair on his chest. His pert nipples.

Equally, I love his hands on me. Confident, purposeful, memorizing. The way he touches me everywhere. How he reads my body and knows just how to pleasure me. He's an expert at everything, and I'm somehow the lucky one who gets to enjoy what he does to me.

He rubs the head of his dick across my hole, placing pressure against me. My ass clenches reflexively and I groan, trying not to sound like a needy slut. His fingers dip back inside me. Two fingers. Curling them and making me shudder against him. His fingers come out and his head is back, rubbing my hole. Pressing against me. Teasing.

My entire body aches for this man, but my mind feels panicky. I can't do this. We can't have sex.

Lo's fingers press into me again. Three this time. Three has a very specific burn and stretch. But I can still feel his head there. Pressing against me. Rubbing along my crack. My hole where his body connects with mine. God, it feels good.

Our kissing is frantic. Sloppy. Hungry. I try to focus on that instead of what he's doing down south. But when his dick is back and he's pressing against my hole with purpose, I jerk my mouth away and push him a little to get his attention.

"Wait," I say, breathless. "I can't."

"I have condoms," Lo tells me, licking my jaw and nipping where he'd just run his tongue. But he's already backed away. I don't feel his dick or his fingers anymore.

I swallow and close my eyes. "I know. I just… I can't."

Lo stops kissing me and picks his head up. I can feel him looking. Studying my face. I can't open my eyes, though. They feel like they're sealed closed, and I want to sink through the bed.

"You want to top? I'm cool with that."

Okay, now I open my eyes and look at him. He laughs at whatever expression he finds.

"All right. That's not the problem. Sorry."

I shake my head. "No, no. I just…" I take a deep breath and hold it, unsure how I'm going to get the words out. I feel like I'm burning up. "I haven't… done this before."

Lo stares at me and I almost read him trying to decode my words. Eventually, he asks, "What?"

Turning my face into his bicep, I close my eyes and force the words out. "I've never had sex before, and I don't think I can do it now."

Yep, I think I'm going to burn the first few layers of skin from my body with how hot I am. My stomach churns. Please don't throw up! That's not the tone I want this night to have.

"Caulder—"

"I'm sorry," I interrupt, wanting to slink away. "I know I've kind of been leading you on and it's really shitty of me to change my mind right now?—"

"Stop," he says, and I flinch. Lo turns my face, forcing me to meet his eyes. "You can always say no, Caulder. If someone ever makes you feel like that's not okay, kick them in the nuts and leave. And then tell me who they are so I can send a hitman their way. That's not okay."

My stomach flutters. "No. That's not what I meant. I mean, yes. Thank you. But I just… I feel really guilty that I?—"

His finger along my lips makes me pause. There's the brief thought that he'd just had that finger in my ass, but the way he's staring at me distracts me, and I catch my breath.

"Don't feel guilty," Lo whispers. "Yes, I want to fuck you. Or you can fuck me, I'm truly not picky in this scenario. But that doesn't mean we have to. We can get off together any way you're comfortable. I'm not upset, and you don't need to feel guilty."

"I shouldn't have?—"

He sighs and my words trail off. I'm surprised when he lays his body on top of mine and wraps his arms around me. My breath catches for a completely different reason this time.

"This is the hookup culture we live in," he murmurs. "But you can say no for anything, Caulder. Don't feel guilty. You're allowed to change your mind. Even mid fuck, you're allowed to change your mind. No means no, no matter what stage you're at. A guilty yes is also a no. This is your body. No one has a right to make you feel like they have any claim on it."

I close my eyes and wrap around him in return. God, I'm going to miss this. I'm going to miss everything, but I'm really going to miss hugs and cuddles.

But clearly I need to be a little clearer, though I appreciate what he's assuring me of, all the same. It's just not exactly relevant to what I'm struggling to get out.

"I don't hook up," I say quietly. "I, uh… I've never hooked up."

"I meant any form of hooking up."

Sighing, I say as casually as I possibly can while I'm burning off another layer of my epidermis, "I've never hooked up in any way. No one has ever touched me." Until you.

I let the last two words hang in the air unsaid. Hopefully, that much is obvious. And I'm pretty confident I don't need to say them out loud. Lo is silent as he lets that sink in. As he reads between the lines as I practically scream—I'M A COMPLETE VIRGIN!

"Fuck," he murmurs. "So much makes more sense now."

I flinch.

Once again, he lifts his head up to look at me and I wish he'd not. "Why did you agree to this?"

This time when I sigh, it's in frustration. "This isn't some huge romantic thing, like I'm waiting for the right man to sweep me off my feet and I'm saving myself for the love of my life," I say defensively. "It all really comes down to hockey. I refuse to be a gay athlete. I just want to be a fucking athlete. My sexuality shouldn't play into that, so I refuse to let it. So yeah, that means I don't hook up."

"You know there are ways to have anonymous hookups, right?"

"Yes, but I'm far too afraid of someone recognizing me. I've contemplated it over the years. A lot. Because I'm fucking horny, but I just… I can't bring myself to do it. It's not fear of being out. It's a choice I've made not to be out, to keep that private. I'm allowed to have that privacy. But I'm in a position where I have to make a choice because, like it or not, my privacy isn't private. So as painful as it is, I've chosen to be completely fucking closeted. And because I'm not willing to put myself in a position where it's ever possible to be found out, it also means I'm a fucking virgin."

Lo's smile is soft and understanding.

"But this weekend, I didn't have to be quite so hidden. You offered me something I didn't want to pass up—the freedom to be me and to get off and to be held and remain private. That's why I agreed. I wanted to do this. I still do. Honestly, I didn't know until now when your dick was right there that I'm maybe not ready for sex, which is stupid because I'm twenty-eight and I'm going to be just like that movie!"

"Shh," Lo murmurs, coming back down on me and pressing his lips along my jaw and neck. His arms wrap me up again, and I cling to him feeling a little more desperate now that all that shit is in the open. "Easy, take a breath, babe."

I take several until I'm breathing more normally. "Sorry," I whisper. "I didn't mean to vomit that all over you."

"You have nothing to apologize for. Also, there's nothing wrong with being a virgin. For whatever reason. Regardless of what… What did Max call them? Old, privileged, white men? Regardless of what society says, there is no shame in sex—whether you're not interested in it, whether you want to whore around, if you're waiting for a life partner, or waiting for other reasons. There's no shame in any of it—slutting it up or being completely dry."

I snort. "It's not that kind of choice," I mutter.

He presses a grin to my neck. "I understand your reasons, and I'm not judging them at all. I'm actually impressed that you've fended off men for so long. You're fucking gorgeous. I've been on cloud nine that you're even the slightest bit attracted to me."

I roll my eyes. "Don't be ridiculous."

Lo laughs. "All I'm saying is that you shouldn't be ashamed of being a virgin, just as I'm not ashamed of not being a virgin. I'm really happy you chose me to mess around with."

"You understood," I say quietly. "You get why I don't tell the world I'm gay. You share that secret. If there was ever a perfect storm to lead to me messing around, this is it. You presented me with something I was desperate for, but was never going to have and… you're hot, you have a sexy accent, most importantly, I felt safe that you weren't going to tell anyone, so… here we are."

"And it's unable to go on so long that people might ask questions," Lo says, making me nod in agreement. He sighs. "Yeah, I get it."

"I swear, it's not because I don't want to. Just, as you were pushing your dick to my hole, I felt panicky and that's not the memory I want for this weekend," I say.

"Is it because I was being a little reckless not wearing a condom?" he asks. "I wasn't going to press inside. Just so you know. I always wear protection."

"I don't think that's it but—" I shrug.

Lo's mouth presses to my skin. His lips part and he sucks on me gently. Not enough to leave a mark, but enough that I feel it in my balls. "How do you feel about me fucking your ass crack?" he asks.

I laugh. "What does that even mean?"

"It means I'm going to press your bubble cheeks together and run my dick through them until I get off. If you're good with that."

A shudder runs through me in anticipation. My forgotten hard cock gives a pulse of need. I nod. "Yeah. Do that."

His teeth skim my skin. "When I'm done, I'm going to suck you dry. Then we're going to take a shower so we can get messy again."

"All night," I say. This is our last night together. While I don't say the words out loud, maybe the panicky feeling regarding sex will fade and I'll be able to enjoy his dick inside me.

But I don't say those words out loud. I should have said something before, like no sex. Everything else is okay, but no sex. Just so it was clear. It was out in the open.

I heard what he said, and I agree. But it doesn't change the way I feel. He's mentioned fucking me a few times. He's even asked something about his dick in me, though I was a little too caught up in the moment to truly have heard that question clearly. I didn't disagree. In fact, I think I kind of grunted in agreement.

Yes, I have the right to say no. But only a shitty person leads someone through two nights of fooling around and alluding to having sex without ever having the intention of going through with it. Do they still have the right to say no? Absolutely. Without a doubt. It doesn't mean they aren't a jerk for actively leading their partner on for days.

Lo kisses me—along my jaw, on my mouth, down my neck. He stops at my chest, taking my nipple between his teeth and biting me hard enough that I jerk in his hold. He licks me and then sucks on the place he bit.

"Roll over," he murmurs, lifting his body off mine.

I roll under him, my heart racing wildly. His body comes down and his cock is immediately pressed against my ass crack. His lips return to my skin, kissing along the back of my shoulder, the back of my neck, in my hair.

"You okay?" he asks.

His question makes me relax, allowing the tension in my shoulders to release. Lo truly is the perfect man. Everything about him.

"Yes."

"You can tell me to?—"

"I know," I interrupt, craning my neck to look at him over my shoulder. "I know. I'll stop you if I need to. You don't have to keep checking in."

He smiles, pressing an awkward angled kiss on my lips.

His weight comes down more fully. His hips press against my ass, sinking his cock between my ass cheeks. I shiver.

Lo's legs are on either side of mine, mine tightly together beneath him. My ass cheeks are clenched, causing him to use force and pressure to keep his dick between them. The first pass through makes me shiver. The second, his cockhead snags slightly on my hole and I groan.

His mouth doesn't stop moving over my skin. His hands come up, running along my arms until he can twist our fingers together. Then he's fucking along my crack. The head of his dick gets caught against my hole often, and it sends shuddering desire through my body. The length of his dick against my sensitive hole is erotic.

My cock leaks. His mouth never stops moving over my skin. Everything about this feels deeper than anything that came before it. It's intimate. Personal.

He turns me over before he comes, spilling his release on my cock and stomach. Then he rubs it into my skin like moisturizer. It should be disgusting, but I nearly come just from this gross ritual we've been engaging in since the first time he came on me.

As we lay together catching our breaths once he sucks me dry, I decide that it's a really good thing that this is ending tomorrow. The longer I spend with Laurent Duval, the more certain I am I'd fall for him if this carried on.

Neither of us can afford for that to happen.