Chapter 4

Penn

One minute, he's there, and then, he's … not.

I try to ignore my disappointment as I lock up the backyard before heading to my car. It's really hard not to resent being ditched, but I know Madden has a big heart, and I know Xander needs him. I've been there through his panic attacks, where he literally thinks he's dying, and it's scary as shit. So no. I won't get all weird about it, even though it fucking hurts.

With no clue if he's coming over later or not, I head home, shower, and get changed into something casual. There's this pit sitting heavy on my chest, something that's been growing deeper lately, and the more I try to ignore it, the deeper it burrows.

I think … I think I'm lonely.

The feeling has been sneaking up on me for a while now, and as fun as my twenties have been, they're more than halfway over already, and it's starting to sink in that I don't have a whole lot of people in my life.

My work friends are strictly colleagues. My parents live on the East Coast. I moved out here to be close to Madden, and now he has this full life with this new family, and I'm scared I'm going to be forgotten about.

Because I have no one of my own.

I pull out my phone and open a dating app that I downloaded one pitiful night and haven't looked at again since. All my details are in there, and the number of attractive women on there looks promising, but I wouldn't know where to begin.

Contacting someone, striking up a conversation, hoping for that click … it's a lot. It's intimidating. I drop my phone back onto the counter with a sigh, then flick over to Madden's messages. It's been two hours now, and I still haven't heard from him. Guess I need to face facts that he's not coming.

I'm trying really fucking hard not to be bummed out by that.

I'd saved this movie to watch with him. I'd invited him over because he always seems to be busy, and I've tried hard not to be smothering, but we're long overdue for some time together. Turns out even asking outright doesn't guarantee that will happen. What the fuck does it take to get to spend time with my best friend these days?

I drag my hands back over my hair, frustrated, wondering whether I'd still have this need to be with Madden if I had a person of my own. Surely if I had a girlfriend, she'd distract me. She'd fill the loneliness that settles when Madden is around. Not to mention I'd be getting regular sex and stop being so fucking wound tight all the time.

There's only one problem with my plan: I don't actually want a girlfriend.

So that's a real fucking kicker. I'm lonely, I don't want to be lonely, but I don't want someone in my life who can fix it either.

I laugh softly because I'm a fucking mess.

There's a knock on my door, and I immediately glance at my phone. There are no waiting messages, but I haven't ordered dinner yet either, so that doesn't leave many options of who it could be.

Madden might knock, but he has his own key, so it's doubtful.

When I open the door, it isn't Madden standing there; it's a woman.

And the first thing I notice is she's drop dead gorgeous.

"Umm … hi." She gives me a dorky wave. "I'm new to the building, and I sort of saw you come home earlier—not a stalker, sorry, that was weird. I mean that I saw you pass, figured we were roughly similar ages, and that maybe—if this isn't totally weird as hell—we could maybe grab a coffee?"

It takes me a moment to realize that no, this isn't my imagination gone wild. There's an actual woman, standing right in front of me, asking me to coffee. And she's goddamn stunning and cute as hell. I can't even open my mouth to form words.

"Oh! Sorry. That sounded like I was asking you out. No. It's not that you're not cute. I …" She lets out a massive puff of air. "I'm fucking this way up, and I'm so sorry."

I reach out a hand. "Penn."

"Lana."

"From what I've pieced together from the rambling, you're new here and would like to make a friend."

She snaps her fingers and points at me. "Yes. That one."

"You want to come in?" I step back and widen the door, but she hesitates, and it takes me a second to work out why. "Actually, scrap that. I'm a stranger, I get it."

"Sorry, it's not you?—"

"Don't apologize. "

She gives me a tight smile and tucks her honey-blond hair behind her ear. "World's a bit shit when it comes to men and women, you know?"

"Oh, I definitely know. It's a bit shit when it comes to Black and white people too."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too. But coffee sounds awesome. Tomorrow morning?"

Lana lights up. "I have yoga at six, but I should be back at like … seven thirty? Eight?"

"Works for me."

Her relieved smile has a hint of that dorky vibe I was getting from her earlier. "Awesome. I will pick you up."

"Okay …"

She heads back up the hall, and I watch her go, still sort of thrown by the interaction. Is this a sign? I'm here thinking about a girlfriend, and an adorable woman shows up at my door? It's more likely I've knocked my head and am currently unconscious on my kitchen floor.

Until Madden steps around the corner.

"Fuck." I jump at his sudden appearance, which only makes him laugh.

"Dude, I'm a tiny bit late, and I get here to find you chatting someone up. Who was that?"

"Said her name's Lana. She's new to the building."

"Huh. Cool, cool." He playfully shoves me. "Lana does yoga ." He drags the word out, and I resist rolling my eyes before leading him back inside. She could do horseback sword fighting for all I care—I met her for about a minute, and while I'm getting good vibes, that's as far as things go. I don't reply, hoping he'll drop it.

Madden strips out of his clothes and hangs them on the hook I installed inside the front door, revealing all that smooth, lightly tanned skin .

"So, you two are meeting up tomorrow?" he asks, obviously wanting to push the conversation.

"Yeah, I guess."

"She was super pretty."

My tone is dry when I respond. "Switching teams now, are we?"

"Never. I can tell when someone I'm not into is attractive. Just doesn't come with that side of wanting to bone her. Like you can tell when a guy is good-looking, but it doesn't mean you want in his pants."

"That's true." I grab my phone from the counter. "What do you want to eat?"

It's a lot easier to scroll through the food options now that he's here and I know I won't be eating alone. Madden—even when he's being annoying as shit—has a way of making a room warmer. More inviting. And instantly, that emptiness that normally fills my chest cavity lifts.

"Pizza."

"Done and done."

I order two vegetarians from that place we like, then set my phone aside. Neither of us is strictly vegetarian, but Madden goes through stages of turning off meat, and so I forgo it in support. It's nothing political, although I'm waiting for Madden to jump on the carbon emissions train any day now since he's already anti-clothes, anti-war, and anti-big Pharma. It's all a natural progression, right?

What the fuck do I know? I design houses and lawns to look pretty for a living. I can't handle the dark truths in the world.

"Should we start the movie now or after?" he asks.

Discomfort creeps over me. "Well, we need to decide what to watch first."

"I thought you said Ghostbusters ?"

"Yeah, but …" You saw it with people who weren't me, wh o took you out for your birthday when I couldn't. "You've already seen it. Don't you want to watch something new?"

"Nah, I liked it. You will too."

That is why I'd planned for it tonight, but I keep that bitter thought to myself. "Okay, let's start it now."

I settle on the couch, and Madden takes the place beside me. Right beside me. I lean into his side, missing how much we used to do this because Madden makes things in my mind settle, and it's a reprieve I cling to.

The movie starts, and we both sink into the couch. It doesn't take long for his head to find my shoulder, and then he wriggles his large body until he's comfortably curled against me. I laugh, arm wrapping around his shoulders, as I turn my head to kiss his hair. We've always been affectionate, and yeah, it got weird for a hot minute when he first went full nudist, but it didn't take long for me to get over my hang-ups. What's a thin layer of material anyway? He could be cuddled against me like this or in a pair of loose shorts, and the only difference between the two scenarios is whatever difference my brain assigns to them. I'm not looking or touching, so wherever the hell his dick is isn't my business.

"So," I ask, voice pitched low under the movie. "How's Xander?"

"Good. Derek got him all fixed up."

Xander needs more than a nurse talking him from the edge of his panic attacks though. That guy should be in therapy. "I'm glad."

Madden shifts so he can tilt his head up to look at me. "You okay?"

"Fine."

"Right …"

"Are you okay?"

"Of course. I'm … sometimes it's like … look, maybe I'm read ing into things too much here, but there's tension. Between us. Or something. Maybe it's all in my head."

I sigh because of course Madden has picked up on my weirdness. "It's not …" I trail off, not sure how much to tell him or even what to say. I'm jealous of your roommates makes me sound like a fucking head case, and truthfully, I don't even know if it's that. I love that he has a new family for support where his doesn't give him that. I guess I'm struggling to see where I fit into it. "Sometimes I think I'm lonely."

"Lonely?" He sits up to look at me. "But you've got me."

I smile gently and pause the movie. "Don't you think I should have, you know, more than you?"

"What … like a girlfriend?"

"Maybe. Or other friends."

He frowns and looks away, thumb absently rubbing his sternum. "Yeah. I guess you probably should."

A long silence stretches out while I try to come up with something to say. Something that isn't stupid like if you spent all your time with me, it wouldn't be a problem. Instead, I try for the less creepily possessive route. "You can't spend every day with me, that's all I'm saying. You're my best friend, you'll always be my best friend, but I need more than that. I can't keep sitting around at home all the time, wondering if we'll get to hang out today."

"But you have loads of friends."

"I have none. Literally none."

"Your work friends. And our college buddies. And the Bertha boys."

"The Bertha guys are your friends." I try to keep the tone out of my voice. "Work is work, and our college friends live … well, so many other places that aren't here. I have hookups, which is great, and I chat with my family on the phone, but a guy can't have one real-life friend to rely on. It's not fair on you. "

Madden swallows, staring at my carpet. "Sort of sounds like you want a girlfriend to me."

I shrug because I still don't know where I've landed on that. "Maybe. That could work, or it might not. I haven't given it a lot of thought beyond the lonely thing."

Madden reaches for my hand and gives it a squeeze. "You know I want you to be happy, right? Like I'll do anything to make that happen."

"Of course you do. I feel exactly the same."

His blue eyes lift and meet mine. "Then I'll help you."

"Help me?"

He nods quickly. "Yeah. Girlfriend, friend, whatever." An idea hits him. "We can start with Lana. You said she was pretty. You guys are already meeting up …"

I don't think I said that at all, and I know I don't like where this is going.

"Oh, hey! I can teach you yoga. Come over to the house early, and we can do it together. Two birds, one stone. We get to hang out, and you'll have something in common to talk about."

That suggestion immediately has my interest. More time with Madden? Not like I can say no to that. Whether it helps me with Lana or not doesn't matter. But … well, I just questioned how the hell we spend more time together, and I think I might have found the solution.

"What time do I need to be there?"