Chapter 35

Madden

Monopoly Monday has always been a comfort to me. A guaranteed moment where I get to indulge in having a family and reminding myself that they're all still there for me.

Tonight though … I can't shake something.

I've clung to these guys like they're all I have, but that isn't the case. I have Penn. The way I love him goes beyond the safety net I have here. Penn feels forever, and I've been too busy worrying about keeping this side of my life that I've forgotten he's my priority.

I play with the dice the others are waiting for me to roll before I glance up at them. They're all already watching me, so I guess getting their attention won't be difficult.

"I have something to say."

There's a beat while they wait and I say nothing.

"Are we supposed to be mind reading?" Seven asks. "Because there's a lack of words coming our way. "

It's not something to laugh about, but fuck. I'm not used to having boundaries around these guys. I love it like that. I'm accepted completely, and I feel the same about them.

But this is something Penn needs, and if he needs it, then so do I.

"I wanted to let you all know that I won't be around on Tuesday nights. Like how we have Monopoly Mondays, I'm giving Tuesdays to Penn. So, like, if you guys need me … don't."

"Wait. What would we need you for?" Rush asks.

My eyes drift toward Xander, and I snap them away again. "No clue. I'm just putting it out there that Tuesdays are our night."

"That's awesome," Seven says. "Can you roll now?"

Molly bats at his arm. "We'll make sure we're around on Tuesdays."

Penn mentioned speaking to Molly, and it's a huge relief to know that he's got our backs and he made Penn feel so welcome. That's a big part of why I love these guys.

"Is this about me?" Xander asks in a small voice. He's nervously folding and unfolding a paper fifty-dollar bill.

I don't want to answer that and make him feel bad. Protecting him is like a reflex, but then I remember Derek's words, and maybe we all need to start treating Xander more like the grown man he is.

"Yes." The word almost gets stuck in my throat. "Well, not completely. It goes for everyone. But he really wasn't happy about last week, and while he understood … he shouldn't have to. He deserves to come first as well."

"He does, and that's nonnegotiable." Seven squeezes Xander's thigh. "You're my punk to worry about anyway."

Xander leans into Seven, but his down expression still hasn't shifted. Everything in me wants to comfort him, but I hold the urges in.

"Sorry," Xander whispers.

It makes my heart hurt because this is probably what Derek was talking about with the manipulation, but there's no way in hell Xander is doing it on purpose.

"Therapy, Z," Seven says. "It's not fun, but it's helping me."

Xander's expression finally changes, but it's to pull into a scowl instead. "Fuck therapy."

There's no use pushing it.

"So, you and Penn are together?" Gabe asks, breaking my focus from Xander.

Hearing it said out loud is something I never thought I'd have. "Total surprise, but I'm happier than I've ever been."

"That's awesome, man. I'm so happy for you."

"Things still going well with Aleks?"

Gabe smiles, the broad kind that brings out his dimples. "It was a life adjustment but the best one I ever made."

I know exactly what he means. This whole thing with Penn has been a complete overhaul of our relationship. I'm having to relearn so much about him and me, and it's taking some adjustment for my default not to be to hide my feelings from him. For the past year especially, I've been pulling away, trying to act like things are normal, and in the process, I messed so much up.

That ends now though.

I'm determined to start showing him that he's as important to me as I say he is. Starting with Tuesdays, and talking through my feelings, and soon enough, letting my safety blanket of Bertha go.

I want to move in with him, but it's fear holding me back. Fear of losing my brothers.

There's one thing that scares me more than that though, and it's losing Penn.

I'm going to put in the work on my issues.

For him.

I kiss behind Penn's ear as I thrust slowly inside him, still so incredibly turned on by what a business badass he was. The way he took ownership over that meeting was incredible and made me prouder than ever of him. Damien didn't know what to say, and I never would have thought up the idea of us taking over the maintenance contract because I don't think that far ahead, but after Damien ran the numbers past me, it became clear, pretty quickly, that Penn's plan could work.

I haven't said anything to him because I don't want to betray Damien's trust, but I have a good feeling Penn's going to be getting a call from him tomorrow, and our whole lives are going to change.

For the first time ever, that thought doesn't terrify me.

"I'm so close," Penn moans, and I wrap my hand around his cock. I lovingly jerk him off until he comes before I unload in his ass. I'm so fucking happy and in love, and sex with him was the perfect way to end the day.

I pull out and flop onto my back while Penn cuddles up beside me.

"Normally, I'm the one jumping you when you walk in." He props his head on my chest. "What gives?"

"Nothing. I'm proud of you, I guess."

He's trying not to smile, and it's really fucking sweet. "Is it weird I'm sort of proud of me too?"

"Nope. Just good. All good."

He smothers a laugh. "You're looking at me funny."

"This is how I always look at you. You just never catch me doing it. "

"It's so weird to me that you've had these feelings for so long and never said anything. And then I've had these feelings for so long and never clued in on what it was."

"We're both idiots."

He draws patterns on my chest, still radiating this happy, peaceful energy.

"At that meeting, I don't think I've told you yet just how awed I was of you."

"I finally felt it," he whispers.

"Felt what?"

"That whole head, heart, gut thing you're always talking about. None of it was planned, but as I was talking, even though I have no clue if Damien will even consider it or not, it felt right. Like I was who I was supposed to be in that moment."

I lean up to kiss him softly. "I can feel it. That you're at peace."

"I really am. Which is not something I experience a lot and fully expect it to be over by tomorrow."

"Then enjoy it while you can."

Because I'm reasonably sure he'll have his answer by tomorrow, but whether Damien agrees or not, it still means a lot of work in our futures. I won't dump him with the business to work out himself—I already sort of did that when I took this consulting role with Damien—and it wasn't fair of me. Penn puts up with a lot when it comes to me following a feeling without totally thinking things through, and I'm so lucky he loves me anyway. Or because of it.

Either way, Penn is a total catch.

It blows my mind that he felt alone for so long when he's the kind of guy people want to be friends with. He's kindhearted and fun and so goddamn loyal. If we keep going like this, I'll marry him someday.

I can imagine it now .

What are you wearing to your wedding, Madden?

That almost makes me snicker, but even now, I can picture it at Peach Acres. At hiring out the place and having all our friends there.

My head, heart, gut thing goes berserk.

"I hate that this all started because you were lonely, but I'm so fucking glad I have you now," I say.

"I'm glad too. That I finally pulled my head out of my ass."

"So I could put my dick in there instead?"

He groans and drops his forehead to my chest. "You're not funny."

"I know you're hiding a smile."

"I'm really, really not." When he looks up again, he's right. He's not smiling, but his brown eyes are full of love as he looks at me. "I won't always make the right choices, but I can promise you I'll always try. There's something I need to work on when it comes to myself and letting go or whatever, but I'm determined to do it. I'm determined to make sure we work. That we'll always work."

As much as I don't hate the possessiveness, I know he has to do it for himself. Plus, it probably would get old fast if it escalated to the point of overbearing. Early on, of course I want him to never get enough of me, but I don't want that to jeopardize my other relationships as well.

He's not the only one who needs to work on things though. I need to get better at showing Penn that I'm all in with him. No more hiding my feelings. No more clinging to my replacement family. I need to trust that I'm not going to lose the best thing that's ever happened to me.

"I'm determined to make sure we work too. So … I thought maybe we could revisit the moving out thing in six months? Maybe if we start taking steps toward it, that might he lp me not want to freak out so dramatically from things changing. Is that … does that work for you?"

He nods slowly. "Yes, Mads. That would be perfect."

It might not actually be perfect, but we're learning. Penn and I have a lot of growing to do, but as long as we do it together, I know we have a chance at making it last. Forever.

There's no one else I'd want to do life with.