Chapter 22

Penn

My whole body is wrung out. The sex last night was nonstop, and after being with Madden for the last twelve hours, I understand what it means to be insatiable. Somehow, the more we did, the worse this burning need for him got.

And we did a lot.

Madden couldn't keep his hands off me, and I wasn't any better.

He's spread out across the bed, and for someone who likes to be naked, he's a goddamn sheet stealer. His big arms are wrapped around his pillow, and his blond hair is spread recklessly over the dark cotton.

I roll onto my side to admire him, determined not to get hard and start anything. We have work we need to do today and probably a lot of talking to do as well. I'm not sure how things are supposed to change now, or if they change at all, but I don't want to go back to being best friends. I want to try for something real with him, and if what he said last night was true, it should be an actual possibility.

Which is my first roadblock.

I'm still processing that I'm not straight. Am I ready for a relationship with a man? I don't know how it differs or if it differs at all. I still need to work out what my comfort levels will be in public, how much affection I'll want, how I'm supposed to tell people …

Fuck.

I don't think I've ever had to think this much about a relationship before. Normally, it's whether I want to commit to someone, and usually, that answer is no.

With Madden, that's already the biggest difference because I could easily commit to him.

I want something with him. I just don't know how to make that work.

"Stop thinking so hard," he grumbles sleepily.

"Like you could know what I'm doing."

Madden peeks one eye open. "Lucky guess." He yawns and stretches out all of those glorious muscles. "You're always overthinking."

I watch as he fights off the tiredness and rolls onto his side to face me. His smile is relaxed; the way he casually rests his hand on my hip and then leans in for a quick, sleepy kiss is so him. I shouldn't be surprised. Madden makes everything look easy.

"How are you feeling?" he asks.

"Tired." I soak up the happiness surrounding me this morning. "Someone wore me out last night."

"Penn, and I say this with love, I never pictured you to be such a freak in the sheets. If anyone wore anyone out here, it's you."

I duck my head, cheeks burning, but Madden only pulls me in to hug me tighter .

"I want to be very clear that wasn't a complaint. You can pull my hair and scratch up my back anytime."

Well, that's a relief. I've never felt that I can properly let go during sex before, but with Madden, it's like I don't need to be careful.

"Besides, maybe if I'm covered in your claw marks, you won't care if I give you a hickey. Umm, again."

" Again ?" I turn to find him holding back a laugh.

"Just a, uh, little one."

I hurry to unlock my phone, and he takes it, opens the camera, and angles it so I can see the two small darkened marks under my jaw.

"Motherfucker."

"You don't have any meetings today, right?" he asks.

"No. I'm in the office, and you know Dryden will immediately want the gossip."

"So …" His thumb draws circles on my hip. "Tell them?"

I didn't think I'd be in this position so soon, but now that I am, I still don't have an answer. "About you?" I check.

I know it's not the answer Madden wants, but this is all really fast, and I need to give my brain some time to catch up.

"Or lie," he says quickly. "Tell them it was some overenthusiastic woman you met at a bar."

I like that excuse about as much as he does. "No. I don't want to lie. But I know that Dryden will be green with envy if they know it was you."

Madden studies me curiously. "Penn, I'm okay. There's no pressure from me to come out. I get it."

He does. After what he went through with his parents and them being dismissive of his life, I know Madden would never push for me to do anything I'm uncomfortable with, but I also don't want him thinking it's because of him that I'm not comfortable. Or even because of the whole being attracted to men thing. It's more that there are a lot of answers I don't have yet, and I don't want to be faced with those questions.

"You're the only person I have to come out to," I tell him.

"Penn …"

"No, seriously. My circle is so fucking small, and yeah, that gets to me sometimes, but at the end of the day, your opinion is the only one I care about."

"You've got Lana now."

I nod because I really think I do. Now that the drama has ended with the dating a lesbian thing, I want to focus on building a strong friendship with her. "She already knows though."

Madden's eyebrows jump up. "She does?"

"Yeah. It was her who made me realize you were probably worried about me cheating on her." I grab his arm. "Which I'd never do. Ever. Cheating is unforgivable to me."

"Me too." Somehow, that makes him smile. "I think that was what I was most upset about. That if you'd cheated, it meant you weren't the guy I thought you were. My Penn would never do that."

"Ever."

His smile gets all toothy. I did that. I made him that happy. "Do you … does that … did you want to try for something? With me? Dating? Or a date, or?—"

"I think we're past the point of a date."

"True." He looks down between our naked bodies. "This is normally third-date level."

"Considering how long we've known each other, I think we can skip a few stages. But I'm not talking about the sex. We already know so much about each other, is there any point to going on a date? To pretending this is all new."

"It is new."

I'm not explaining myself very well. "The sex is, sure, but I don't want it to be the type of situation where we were friends and now we're … boyfriends? Can't we … be both?"

"You want to be my boyfriend, Penelope?"

My heart warms at his tone. "Yes. But I refuse to relinquish the best friend title as well."

"Even if you did, no one else would fit it the way you do."

That's an enormous relief to hear. "So that's it? We're dating? Boyfriends?"

Madden doesn't jump on it the way I hoped he would. "The thing is … I've wanted this for a really fucking long time. It's still so new for you, and if it didn't work out …"

"I'd be crushed," I finish for him.

"There's so much on the line."

"At least you have your Bertha brothers. Without you, I have no one. I know exactly what's on the line. If I lose you, I lose everything."

It's not often that Madden looks this serious. "That's a lot of pressure for us. I already know where my head is at, but if you changed your mind, I don't know how I'd move on from that. It would kill me."

"Then I have to not change my mind."

There's still hesitance in his eyes, and it's so rare for him. Madden doesn't stop to think, he just does, so this must mean a lot to him. "You need to have the freedom to be able to do that though. We both do."

"I thought you said you know what you want?"

"I do. I know it's hard for you to understand where I'm coming from, but this is a lot all at once. My instinct is to immediately jump into dating you like we've been together for years, but I'm scared to change too much too quickly."

I'm not sure why Madden is scared when I'm ready to give him everything, but I need to try and understand. So I nod, trying to work out how labeling ourselves as boyfriends is "too much," but label or not, I want to be with him .

Then, I get a sickening type of realization. If he doesn't want to make this official, is it because he wants to keep sleeping with other people? It's been a while since I've heard about Madden hooking up or dating people, and I can't help but wonder if it's because he tells his roommates that kind of thing instead. They're all queer, and this isn't the first time I've been curious if he shares that side of himself with them over me.

It's one of the reasons I get so uncomfortable going over there. Because in that house, I have to confront the fact they can give him things I can't.

Well, not anymore.

If Madden really has wanted me since high school, I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure he remembers that. I'll stick by him, I'll give him everything he needs until he works whatever he has to out of his system and is ready to commit. Whether it's doubts, or fear, or other people, I'll be here waiting.

The thought of him with someone else makes me blind with fucking rage though.

Still, I'm not going to change too much. Not too quickly. That will be a conversation, very fucking soon, but for now, I need Madden to know I'm sure.

And then prove it to him.

Hopefully, once he sees that I'm not going to run scared, it'll help him relax into this idea of boyfriends.

With any luck, by then, I'll have more answers too.

This is a long game.

One I'm going to win.