Chapter 20

Penn

Madden makes up an excuse to go home instead of hanging out with me. He's really fucking bummed over me not jumping on this Peach Acres thing, but what the hell am I supposed to do? Our landscaping business is our thing, and with how rocky our friendship is at the moment, jumping into a project where we'll see each other all day, every day, doesn't sound smart. I've never had awkwardness or discomfort from him, and this afternoon was both. I'd said anything I could to make things better, but if I'm honest, I don't want Madden to be a best friend.

I want more.

It's downright selfish. I'm finally open to my sexuality, and I expect him to be ready to jump into bed with me? It's not like Madden has been sitting around waiting on this moment his entire life.

Lana is leaning against the wall by my door when I step out of the elevator. "There you are! I haven't seen you in a million years. Are you sick of me already?"

No, just avoiding talking to you about a certain someone. "Of course not." I take a moment to look her over. "Are you okay?"

"Fine. Totally fine. Might have kissed a girl last night and want to talk about it with my new bestie though."

I laugh and unlock my door. "Don't let Madden hear you call me that."

"Ooh, will he get all growly?"

I wish he'd get all growly. "Actually, I'm not so sure he'd care."

Lana sweeps past me into the kitchen to help herself to one of my Cokes. "You are severely underestimating that man. Ever since we told him we're dating, I've been sleeping with my bedroom door locked."

Dating? I stall halfway into my living room. "Oh fucking no."

"What's wrong?" She holds up the bottle she's just opened. "Want some?"

I shake my head and make it to my dining table to collapse into a chair. "Madden thinks we're dating."

"Yes …" She creeps closer like she's worried about me. "You were there, remember? Unless, of course, you have a secret twin I don't know about, and it was him going along with the act instead."

" Fuck ." I bury my face in my hands. Madden thought I was dating Lana when we hooked up. What the hell does he think of me? Is that why he was being so weird?

Her voice softens. "Maybe try explaining what this meltdown is about?"

"I'm not straight."

"Huh." She sits down and pushes the drink she's made my way. "Continue. "

"I have feelings for Madden, and the other night, I made a move on him. It was …" I let out a long rush of air. "Everything. But as soon as it was over, he bolted."

"Weird."

" Or he thought I'd cheated on you."

Lana's lips form a perfect, glossy O. "Do you think he'd care about that? He doesn't like me much."

"Even if he thought you were the worst person on Earth?—"

"Yikes."

"He'd never support you being cheated on. Madden is a good guy."

Lana folds her arms over the table. "That actually makes me like him a whole lot more. That he feels guilty over our fake relationship."

I huff and rub my eyes. "I need to tell him."

"Yesterday would have been a good time for that."

I want to sarcastically thank her for the help, but it's not Lana's fault. I'm the one who got the three of us into this position.

"Okay. Tell me about your kiss, and then I'm going to go and see him. And hopefully, he doesn't think I'm completely fucking weird for, well, everything."

"He won't," she says confidently.

"You didn't see him today. It didn't feel like us."

"My story is that I met a girl, we kissed, the end. Go and talk to him. I'll spill all the details tomo?—"

Lana cuts off at the sound of the front door opening. Only one other person has a key to my apartment because I always wanted him to feel like this was his place too. I always wanted him to move out of Bertha and into my spare room.

Now, it's less the spare room and more my bed, but one thing at a time .

I have a dopey smile across my face the second I see him, and my hope that he doesn't notice is answered when his gaze immediately lands on Lana.

"Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't know Penn had company."

"I thought you were busy?" I'm glad he's not busy. So, so glad.

"Changed my mind. I … sorry. I'll go."

"Wait." I jump up from the chair. "Stay."

"No, it's fine?—"

"Madden, please?—"

"—both busy, and I'll?—"

"—we have lots to talk about?—"

"—see you tomorrow." He turns to leave, clearly in a rush to get away and not listening to a damn thing I have to say. I'll chase him down if I have to because even if his weirdness today had nothing to do with Lana, I want to make sure he knows I'd never, ever cheat on someone. I'd especially never ever drag him into helping me do it.

But before he can take another step, Lana shouts over my stammering.

"I'm a lesbian!"

Dear god. What the hell was that?

Whatever it was makes Madden stop though. He glances back over his shoulder, eyebrows furrowed, and looks between us. "You're … what?"

"A lesbian. Very gay, very into women, and not at all dating Penn. Never was."

Madden's eyes shoot to mine as Lana stands from her chair. She scoops up the drink that I haven't touched.

"And with that, I'm going to go. Madden, I hope we have time to hang out at some point, but until then, I sense my cat is missing me."

She lets herself out, and neither Madden nor I speak until we hear the door close behind her .

"Lana's a lesbian?"

I manage not to laugh at the alliteration. "Yes."

"When did she tell you?"

I owe him the truth. "The day we met for coffee."

"But … you were dating."

"We weren't." I feel like complete dirt for admitting this. "She could tell I was getting uncomfortable with you setting me up, so she stepped in."

"It was a lie?"

"I'm sorry." I close the distance between us and grab his wrist because he needs to hear me out. "It was fucked-up of me to go along with it, but I wanted to buy myself some time."

"Some time for what?"

I didn't realize it then, but I think the reason the thought of all those dates made me uncomfortable was because they weren't with him. "I don't want a girlfriend, Madden."

"But—"

"I only want you." The words slip out before I can stop them. I feel sick. Desperate. Terrified he's going to tell me that I've gotten this whole thing wrong.

"Me?"

I hadn't planned to do this. An hour ago, I'd been prepared to take how I felt to the grave. The thing about Madden is that he's impossible to lie to, and when we're face-to-face, I don't want to lie. I want him to know everything about me.

I let go of his wrist and slide my hand into his. "Whatever way you'll have me. Friends. Best friends. More. It probably sounds so fucking psycho to you, but I hate when you're not around. I hate having distance between us, and I want you to come over here after work every day. I want us to be able to hang out with your friends without me feeling like I'm imposing. I want you to get to know Lana and become friends with her too. And I want … I want you to be able to do this job without it feeling like I'm losing you. "

"That's why I'm here," he whispers. "That whole conversation got to me. It felt like you were tearing us apart, and I can't fucking have that. You're the one thing in my life that I'd do anything to protect. I love my Bertha boys, I love my job, I love how good and healthy I feel and how happy I am in my skin. But I'd give everything up if it meant losing you. Including this job."

"What are you saying?" I'm holding my breath, too chickenshit to push his decision, but I'm the one who laid it all out there, and if Madden can't give me an answer, that speaks volumes.

Until he says something I'm not at all expecting.

"I've wanted you since the first time we met."

My focus on him sharpens. "What?"

"In the cafeteria. You were eating and trying not to be noticed by anyone, and I was terrified of having my head shoved down a toilet."

" You were?"

"You had braces," he says. "And your hair was a lot longer, almost an afro, and you were too scared to even look at me. I had to steal your textbook to get your attention."

I remember the moment I tried to steal it back. When he'd grabbed my wrist as I leaned over him, and those gorgeous eyes had met mine.

"Penn?" he'd asked. "Is that short for Penelope?"

"No, it's just Penn."

"My name's Madden Young."

I hadn't known what to say.

"But you can call me Madeline so you're not the only one with a girl's name."

Then he'd smiled, and it's the same smile I've craved every day since.

"I wish I could remember what I said to make you laugh," Madden continues. "But I can still remember the way it tickled something in my chest, and it hit me that guys don't usually react to guys that way. Sure, I'd popped wood before. At that age, I popped wood over just about everything." Madden cups my neck. "But I'd never had actual feelings for someone. Until you."