Chapter 14

Penn

The second Madden is out of my apartment, I text Lana. It's after eleven, and I'm not confident she'll still be awake, but I get a message straight back.

SOS? What happened?

Too much to explain in the text, so I ask if I can come over instead.

The get down here now response isn't expected, but I hightail it over there anyway.

"Well, hello," she says as she pulls the door open. She's wearing a ratty dressing gown and has dog-shaped slippers on. "Please tell me you're coming with fun and dramatic news. Oh! You tried the thingy." Her hands flail madly. "With Madden. You tried it and it worked and now you know he's in love with you."

It's too late for this. I gently hold Lana's shoulders and shift her to the side so I can walk in and close the door behind me. Her apartment layout from the door to the living room is identical to mine, and I have a feeling the bedrooms are the same.

"I didn't do your stupid plan." The fact I have to be clear about that is all kinds of fucked-up. "I wouldn't mess with his trust like that."

"So what was the SOS?"

"I might have accidentally done what you said."

Lana isn't following at all. Her mouth is parted slightly, and her eyes are narrowed like she's trying to read Latin. "You mean you accidentally made him pop bone? That's still the same outcome."

I fall into one of the chairs at her dining table. "Do you have alcohol? Lots of alcohol?"

"Sorry, I'm dry."

"Right. No. Sorry for assuming."

"You're okay." Lana sits down opposite me, and a fluffy white-and-gray cat with yellow eyes jumps up onto her lap.

"This is your cat."

"It's more that I'm his. He adopted me one day and never left."

"What's his name?"

"Mr. Bigglesworth."

I stare at her, trying to figure out if I have that right. "I'm going to assume he had no say in that."

"He's a cat."

Right. Because a cat can adopt a human but not decide if they want to answer to a name. Makes sense.

Lana shakes her hands so suddenly Mr. Bigglesworth takes off. "Stop distracting me. SOS. What happened exactly?"

"Madden and I were hanging out. Like we usually do."

"Okay …"

"And he was wearing clothes. "

She keeps watching me expectantly like that wasn't a revelation all on its own. Though, how could she know that?

"Madden never wears clothes. And I hate that he was feeling uncomfortable, so I made him strip off and …"

"Yes?"

"I might have, umm, had a reaction ."

"A reaction, you say?"

"A small one." I pinch my thumb and forefinger together before it clicks what this looks like. My whole face floods with warmth. "Not that my thing having a reaction was small. Just that my thing had a reaction, and the reaction was only a small reaction."

"I think if you say reaction one more time, a leprechaun will jump out and shove quarters up your ass."

"You … They … What …"

"He was naked, and it made you horny?"

The fight leaks out of me. "He was naked, and it made my dick vaguely interested."

"Right."

"I didn't get horny until we were both naked."

I'm expecting the continuous chatter at that revelation, but Lana's silence speaks volumes. Volumes that I don't want to hear.

"Okay. So you, a straight man, got horny after getting naked with your gay bestie. Was your dick up his ass too?"

Her question makes it even worse. " No ."

"I'm sorry, but then why were you naked? I'm not following this conversation at all, and usually, I'm the one who people can't follow."

I wonder why when she's so all over the place? "I was trying to make him more comfortable about being a nudist."

"By getting naked?"

"Yes. "

"And getting hard over him?"

I groan and drop my head into my hands. "That was the accidental part."

She drums her short nails on the table. "And what did he do when he saw it? Did he get hard too?"

"No."

"Woooow." She draws the word out, then gives a small huh . "I guess I was wrong. Maybe he's not into you."

"He also said that it takes practice not to react when you're naked and that it's a normal part of becoming a nudist. The control over … that ."

"Okay, phew, because if he wasn't into you, that would mean he's an asshole, and I can't do the mean girls thing again, you know?"

"No idea what you're talking about."

"Never mind. You should kiss him."

"Kiss Madden ?" My voice startles Mr. Bigglesworth to dart from the corner of the living room into the hall.

She shrugs. "Just an idea. Or you could get naked with him again? See if you react in the same way?"

"And if I do and he doesn't?"

"Give it a peck and it'll spring to life."

"I'm not kissing my best friend's dick without his permission," I snap.

"Ah-huh! So you'd do it with his permission?"

The wording trips me up, and all I can do is open and close my mouth as a steady "uhhhh" comes out. "That's not what I … I mean … I'm …"

"Straight?"

"Exactly."

"But your male best friend made you horny."

"Fuck." I drop my head into my hands. This could ruin Madden's and my friendship. Not once has he ever made me feel like he's hitting on me or wants more than friendship, and then because of one offhand comment by Lana, I'm questioning everything. "So I'm not straight?"

She hesitates, then reaches out to rub my shoulder. "That's a you question."

"That's what it means though, isn't it?"

"Would it be the worst thing?" There's tension in her voice that isn't usually there.

"Of course not."

She eyes me. "Why does it sound like you're panicking?"

"Because I am."

"But I thought it wasn't a bad thing."

I huff and meet her eyes. "It's not a bad thing. But I'm suddenly reevaluating everything about my life, and it's a lot, so can you please let me do that without claiming homophobia?"

She blinks at me before relaxing back into her chair. "Sorry. I guess I'm a bit defensive about it, huh?"

"A bit. That town really messed with you."

"It did." Lana props her head on her hand. "You okay?"

"I'm not sure yet."

"Want to talk about it?"

Madden's usually the one I talk to about this stuff. This might be the only time in the history of our friendship that I've found something I can't go to him with. It makes me feel more alone than ever.

"I'm confused," I whisper. "I … how can I be twenty-seven and be only figuring this out now?"

"That is a very, very long answer with a whole lot of paths we don't have time for this close to midnight. But it's common, there's nothing wrong with you, and yes, it's entirely possible."

"What if I fuck things up?"

"I fuck things up all the time, and me and Mr. Bigglesworth are doing just fine. "

"You don't understand." My heart hurts to even think about it. "I can't fuck things up with Madden."

Lana watches me for a long time. "Has it occurred to you that maybe you've been in love with Madden for a while now?"

"I'm not in love with him. I love him. He's my best friend, but it's … different."

"Sure." She drums her fingers again. "But maybe give that some more thought. You know. If you want to."

"What do I do?" It's more of a rhetorical whine than something needing an actual answer because what I need to do is bury my head and never ever bring this up to Madden. He's so fucking special whether I love him or I'm in love with him, it doesn't matter, because I won't do a damn thing to ruin our relationship. I've already done way too much.

"My advice? Let yourself be open to something happening. You're clinging to this straight label like it's Velcro, but what if it's just … not? What if he likes you and you like him and you two could be very happy together?"

"But—"

" What if , Penn. What if isn't reality; it doesn't need ‘buts' to bring it down."

"What if, huh?"

"Exactly." She smiles sweetly. "Nothing has to change straightaway. Hang out with him like you usually would, and be open to seeing what could happen."

She's making it sound so fucking easy, but it isn't. Being with a man isn't something I know how to do; it's not even something I'm sure that I'm comfortable with. Maybe my reaction to Madden was a fluke. It might have happened while we were at the beach as well, and a handful of other times, but that doesn't mean anything.

Probably.

And there I go shutting it all down again. Focusing on the why-nots instead of the what-ifs. Can I really be open to it ?

I don't have an answer to that, but then another question quickly replaces that one.

Do I want to be?

And this time, I have an answer.

Yes.