Chapter 13

Madden

I'm trying to be very, very okay with Penn not telling me about Lana. I mean, technically, he did. They just got together. But if she hadn't been the one to say something, would I still be in the dark about it?

Something about him keeping a secret from me feels off. I'd really like to say I'm not dramatically needy for him, but that's a fucking lie because Penn is supposed to be mine. Maybe that's where my feelings came from—this lack of guidelines and boundaries has confused my brain into thinking this is more than it is.

My parents can barely stand me, and all of my roommates have paired up except for Xander, who has Seven and Molly anyway. They all have their people. I thought I had mine, but now he's gone and got himself a Lana, and I don't know where I stand .

I'm feeling sick and want to go home, but at the same time, I'm craving to be near him. While I still can.

Penn can say what he likes about this being my place and going to Lana's if she's uncomfortable, the reality is that I'm very, very gay, and Penn is very, very attractive. I wouldn't blame her at all if me being constantly naked is a line for her. It is for most people. They immediately think nakedness equals sex.

They don't get why someone would choose to be a naturist. I grew up in an uptight family, and my parents are always the first to say how strange and off the deep end I've gotten. I try to pretend like it doesn't hurt, I try to stay true to myself, but it's getting isolating. Some days, I question if it's even worth it. Do I want to always be the creep who doesn't wear clothes? Do I want to always justify my choices and explain that I'm so much more myself when I'm naked? When I'm naked at home, I don't even notice because it's treated like a nonevent there. It's not about flaunting things or going for shock factor or attention or anything like that.

Maybe it's time to face facts though. Maybe people think it's weird because it is weird.

"You've gone quiet."

I blink Penn back into focus. "Yeah. Thinking."

"About?"

I don't want to say, but telling him that will only make him worry.

Penn pats the spot beside him on the couch. "Is it about Lana?"

Well, I'm not going to answer that, am I? Even though I don't want this conversation to happen, I join him anyway. I'm too weak not to.

"Kind of?"

"What's wrong?" Penn's hand lands over mine, and the warmth of his skin soaking through mine hurts. I want to curl into that warmth. To bury my nose into where his scent is the strongest.

"She's not going to be okay with your gay best friend hanging around naked." He tries to cut in, but I talk over him. "And I don't only mean her. It'll be the same for any girlfriend, and I wouldn't blame them. I was just thinking … well, maybe I need to decide if it's something I have the emotional energy for anymore."

"You hate wearing clothes."

"I hate being constantly questioned over it as well. I hate being made to feel like this fucking sideshow act because of it."

Penn's lips press flat, and irritation burns behind his dark brown eyes. "Have I ever made you feel that way?"

"Never." Penn asked a lot of questions initially, but other than joking around and being concerned over safety at work, he never makes me feel like an idiot. "You're—" I stop that train of thought before I can go on and on about how amazing I think he is.

"Why did you try it the first time?" he asks.

"W-what?"

"Why did you decide one day that hey, I'm gonna leave my clothes behind ?"

I'm trying to work out if he's taken a knock to the head. "You know why."

"Humor me."

The memory hasn't faded. I'd been looking into wholistic medicines, superfoods, grounding, all things that keep your body and mind healthy ever since I fucked up my shot at baseball. It interests me, and in a world of being as busy as possible, being as online as possible, taking that step back to look after myself and slow down held a lot of appeal.

Then we took on a job outside of our usual clientele, and the conversations I had there opened my mind to things I'd never considered .

"We did a garden for that nudist resort an hour out of town, you remember?"

"I do." Penn's lips twitch. "Bit hard to forget your first nudist resort."

He's right about that. Maybe because of a different reason for me though. Yes, there'd been peens and tits and butts everywhere, but I didn't see the body parts. I saw people who were happy and confident and living their truth.

"You were quiet the whole way home, remember?" he prompts.

"Yeah. I wanted to try it."

"And when you did?"

"It felt good." I shrug. "Obviously, the being naked physically felt good because I wasn't all restricted, but it was deeper than that. This sense that all my vulnerability was being stripped away. That I was finally living the way I was supposed to be."

"You said something about connectedness?"

I'm not sure why Penn is pulling all of this from me now, but with us turned toward each other, with his soft voice and the TV low in the background, the conversation is helping me relax again. Almost like he knew it's what I needed. Us.

"Yeah. Sometimes I feel this string from my brain to my heart and then my gut. Like the three are all working in sync with each other and the environment around me." With anyone other than Penn, I wouldn't talk like this. I know it sounds like hippy nonsense, and maybe it is, but I've experienced that feeling, and it's the best thing in the world. "It's how I know I'm on the right path."

"And that's what you felt, isn't it? That's why you do this?"

I slowly nod as Penn's hand reaches up. His fingertips brush my temple, run along my face, down my neck to my chest, where they pause for a fraction of a second before dipping lower. His fingertips graze my abs, and a jolt of arousal shoots to my dick. I work to keep it under control because the last, very last thing I need is to crack a hard-on while he's touching me. His eyes don't leave mine though.

"That's why." Penn's voice has dropped to a whisper. "That's why you do it. That's why giving up would make you miserable. It's not a gimmick, Madden. It's who you are. And you know who you are more than anyone I know."

His emotion-drenched tone is making my heart thump madly. I want to reach for him, desperately need to be touching him, somehow, somewhere, it doesn't matter. Platonic contact is better than no contact, and this urge is stronger than when I'm horny over him. When he makes me feel, that's when I need him more than ever.

Maybe if my attraction to him had stayed physical, it wouldn't be this hard.

But it didn't.

And it is.

His fingers drop from my stomach, but he doesn't look away. Instead, his very pink tongue darts out and swipes over his bottom lip so fast I almost miss it.

"I want to experience that," Penn says.

"Experience what?"

"That mind, heart, gut feeling. I want to know that I'm on the right path. I've never had that kind of certainty before."

I can't stop my mouth from asking, "Not even with Lana?"

He clears his throat and glances down but doesn't pull away. "That's … new. Barely even a thing. I've never …" His inhale is shaky. "I've never been as sure about anything or anyone as I am about … about our friendship."

"Us?"

He swallows thickly and looks up again. "Yeah. You're the most important person in my life."

Tears threaten my eyeballs. "You're the most important person in mine. "

"Do you think … instead of helping me find a girlfriend or whatever, that you could help me with that instead?"

"Of course." Not that he needs help with a girlfriend now that he's found one. "Anything."

"Okay then." His voice sounds like gravel as he reaches for his shirt and pulls it over his head. "Like this?"

I'm not really sure what's going on until he stands up and reaches for the button on his shorts. It's everything my fantasies are made of, except for one thing.

He's not coming on to me.

"You want to try it?" I ask.

"Yeah." He's standing over me. All short black hair, vulnerable eyes, and long, lean body. He's got dark hair sprinkled over his chest and a small patch above the waistband of his shorts. I wax all mine, but on him … on him, it makes my mouth water.

And somehow, I need to get through the night without staring and making this weird.

So I try to switch off my crush and remind myself that I'm a supportive best friend who will be here for him through anything.

"You don't have to go all at once," I coach him. "I didn't. It's okay to start without your shirt and then work your way up—or down, I guess—to it. Listen to your gut and how you're feeling about each stage. Nerves are good and normal. Discomfort is bad."

"Okay." He pushes his shorts and briefs down in one fast movement. "I'd never be uncomfortable with you around."

He's fucking killing me.

I keep my gaze trained to his face. "Good. Now we do … whatever we usually do. Same as normal. If you change your mind at any time, that's okay."

Penn drops back onto the couch beside me. "Now are you going to tell me why the need for Mexican food?"

With him stripping down and giving me his honesty, I need to do the same. "Everything's changing. I'm scared that I'm going to lose you."

"Madden …" His voice croaks. "That will never, ever happen."

"Just because you feel that way now doesn't mean it won't change."

He cups my face and turns it back toward him. "It won't. I know it won't."

Fuck, I wish I could believe that.

Penn's thumb brushes my cheek, and then a mischievous spark hits his eyes. "Should we rock paper scissors for who will answer the door when our delivery gets here?"

The lightness in his voice helps ease some of my desperate longing. "Fine."

He beats me with scissors over paper, then fist pumps the air.

"Look at me. Nailing this nudist thing already."

He does look a lot more at ease than I was the first time. "You are. Except for one thing."

Confusion crosses Penn's face. "Which is?"

"You need to get better control of your cock, man. Embarrass-boners are a no go."

His warm cheeks darken. "It's a natural reaction to having my clothes off. That's all. We all do it. Are you really telling me you've never accidentally gotten hard?"

"I used to. But like I said, I have better control now. And if you feel yourself getting hard in shared spaces, then excuse yourself and wait for it to go down."

"What, I can't jerk off?"

"No. That's when you pass into creep territory. Nudist spaces are safe spaces. Nothing overtly sexual."

Penn nods. "No boners. Got it."

His dick still doesn't flag, not that I'm looking. It just happens to be there. In my periphery. Which I'm ignoring. "You'll figure it out eventually."

Thankfully, there's a knock at the door, and our delivery saves me from any more talk of peens and rules. We eat our Mexican food and watch a movie, and for all I said about acting normally around each other, I don't curl up in his lap.

I'm giving him space to be comfortable.

Letting him find out if this is for him.

Maybe if it is, he'll be more confident in making my lifestyle a boundary with any relationships he has.

Though I really don't want to be there for the conversation when he tells Lana I've converted him.