Chapter 14

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

OWEN

"I'm going to make sure you don't regret giving me a chance."

Barrett's gentle words washed over me. My regrets wouldn't be from getting more time with him or having him be my Da. What I would regret, and I knew it as much as I knew my own name, was when he realized I'd been right all along. I was too much work for not enough reward. I knew I was a lot. He didn't recognize it yet, but he would soon enough. Then he'd say he was sorry and be horribly sad, and I would laugh and say I told you so . After that, I'd figure out how to spend the rest of my life desperately in love with a man who couldn't love me back.

"Bear, it's not you I'd ever regret."

Also a true statement. I'd done everything I could to make myself into a little that took less effort, but it hadn't worked yet. Maybe I could try again? Ugh. It was entirely too late to hash it out in my mind tonight. Plus, my sweet baby was waiting for me at home.

"I don't want to end your night early, but Elizabeth is home by herself, and she's just a baby. "

Barrett jumped into action with a look that said I wasn't being silly, which I appreciated. He immediately stood up from the table, grasped my hand, and helped me out of the booth.

Barrett insisted on paying for dinner, a habit I hadn't broken in him over the years. He hustled me outside, and we walked back to the club, where his car waited for us in the parking lot. The difference between this trip and the last was that his hand never left mine.

Warmth radiated up my arm and into my soul. It wasn't often that I felt little. Obviously, when I was in a little headspace, that was one thing, but physically little? Next to never. The exception was when I was physically connected to Barrett.

A rational me would have asked more questions or not agreed to give him a month to prove me wrong. I wanted nothing more than to be mistaken, but I knew that wouldn't happen. The only thing left was to take it for what it was worth. He'd figure out soon enough that he wasn't nearly as okay with me as he thought when it was longer than a few hours.

Until he realized all that for himself, I would hold on for the ride. Then, when he'd moved on, and I somehow learned to live with him falling in love with someone else, my memories would be good enough. But even when he moved on, I knew my tears would need to be hidden. Losing him completely or making him feel like it was his fault wasn't a price I was willing to pay.

I was so preoccupied that I didn't realize we were home until he parked in my shared driveway. We'd been in this exact position hundreds of times before, but tonight felt different. The air between us crackled and anticipation thrummed through my veins.

Before this all went away, I would be able to touch Bear, taste him, and feel him inside me again. While I tried to figure out how to get Bear to make the first move, he raised his hand and brushed my hair back from my forehead. His fingers threaded through my hair and the soft smile that played on his lips was a personal favorite.

"Can I tell you something I've thought about since we met?"

His whispered voice was low and soothing. I sunk into a quicksand of want so quickly that it left me dizzy.

"You know you can say anything you want to me."

My response was just as quiet. The front seat of a car had never been magical, but maybe that Meatloaf song was right. I might not find love with the dashboard lights, but lust was coming in hot.

"Your eyes have fascinated me since we met. You sat on the couch, ignoring me, and I was desperate to get you to look at me. And then you did, and I had never seen anything like it. I'd never seen anyone with gold eyes before." He smoothed his thumb across my eyebrow as he spoke.

"They are technically called amber."

"Gold."

His thumb had migrated down the side of my face, and now he stroked along my jawline before moving to trace my lips. I didn't mean to do it, but they parted and an involuntary sigh escaped. It almost didn't seem real. I'd spent so many years wanting his exact moment, and I was too scared to move.

"Babe, I can feel you thinking. Was there something you wanted to say to me?"

My eyes fluttered shut because the effort to keep them open was too great. My head swayed into his hand because my neck muscles weren't working properly either. He gently placed his hand on the back of my head and drew me close to him.

"Maybe something you wanted?" Barrett leaned forward across the console, and his nose nuzzled against the shell of my ear.

I shuddered at the fluttery sensation that racked my body. When his lips touched the column of my neck, the whimpers I'd swallowed before came in a rush. I felt his smile against my skin and warmth seeped into every cell in my body.

This was wrong on some level, I knew that, but here in the front seat of the car, while the rain drizzled around us, it felt perfect. We were in our own little cocoon, hoping to turn into butterflies.

His lips' exploration followed the path of his thumb. Each caress thawed my reservations a tiny bit more. How could something that felt so incredible be destined to end in frustration and disappointment? My brain wasn't braining anymore because my nerve endings were all preoccupied with the gentle fingers gliding across my body and the pressure of his hands on me.

"It's okay, babe. You can tell me what you want." The seductive tone said he knew the conflict he caused in me. The chuckle that followed said he liked it.

"You're so goddamn beautiful. And so fucking talented. It doesn't seem real that after all this time, I get to touch you." A moan was my only response. "Babe, you gotta tell me. I need to know you're okay with all of it."

Rather than answer, I moved my hand to his shirt and slid up his chest and neck until I reached the nape. Once there, I tangled my fingers through his hair and maneuvered his mouth close to mine. Rather than answer directly, I uttered a guttural moan before I kissed him. No finesse. No sweet request for a good-night kiss. Nope, I pressed my lips to his and slipped my tongue inside.

It may have been rude, but Bear must have been okay with it because he reciprocated immediately. Our tongues stroked against each other in a tangled dance. He allowed me to explore every bit of his mouth and then did the same to mine. Our tastes mingled, and thank goodness he'd had onions for dinner too, though it didn't seem to matter now.

Long before I'd gotten my fill, I drew back to look at him and said, "I hope that answers your question."

He rewarded me with a lopsided grin that went straight to my chubbed dick.

"It helps, but I think I'm going to need a little more information."

He moved forward and nosed the base of my throat before moving along to the front. When I groaned, he began to alternate between nips and licks along my Adam's apple.

"You might need to answer a few more times before I've gotten it down," Barrett said.

The more he touched me, the more my brain lost function.

"I-I-I don't mind," I stammered.

I hated the feeling of loss when he pulled away. Now that I'd had a taste of him, I wanted more. I knew I'd be insatiable, but I had a feeling Bear wouldn't mind too much.

"Babe, we better get inside. Elizabeth is waiting up for you." He glanced toward the house, and I followed his gaze.

Sure enough, Elizabeth sat prettily framed in the window, watching us. Her head was cocked to one side like she had questions. Well, lucky for her, she wouldn't need to worry about finding herself a guy. Or girl. I didn't know if cats could be gay. Although if penguins and giraffes could be gay, there was no reason cats couldn't be. I shook my head at my own tangent and moved to open the car door.

"Babe, what are you doing?" Bear's voice was all growly, and damned if my dick didn't swell just a bit more.

I glanced around the interior of the car. My hand was on the handle. It felt self-explanatory. "Opening the door? "

"When have you ever opened a door in my car?" Barrett looked offended that I'd even considered getting out on my own. This part wasn't new. He'd been opening my door since we'd met. He didn't do it for anyone but me, his mom, and the person he was dating. He claimed it was best-friend privilege. "Don't move."

I sat back and waited for him to come around and open my door. It was silly and sweet and had always made me feel swoony. Most likely, it was just the Daddy in him, but I liked it. I'd heard my friends or cousins complaining about how their spouses became less romantic as their relationship progressed.

Although we'd never been romantic—well, with one obvious exception—Bear had always been a sweet one. He never forgot my birthday. He opened all the doors. He made an effort to find the perfect Christmas present. He volunteered to go on art walks with me because he knew I always wanted to use original art in my designs.

After Bear collected me from the car, we walked into the house. Elizabeth had repositioned herself on the chair by the door and waited with insistent meows for her obligatory strokes.

I picked her up and immediately snuggled her close. Bear lay one arm across my shoulder and used his other hand to pet Elizabeth. The ending effect was him cuddling us both, and I couldn't stop myself from moving deeper into his embrace. His arm tightened around me, and I felt the soft brush of his lips as he kissed the top of my head. Head kisses? How could I be expected to remain rational when that was on the table? Impossible.

"As much as I want to continue what we started in the car, I think we should take a step back and have a real conversation about what tonight means." Bear's tone was regretful, which was gratifying because I was petty like that. "But just so we're clear, I'm taking the month."

"Are we making a mistake?" The words flew out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"No, I left things unsaid when I should have put them out there. But I can't start this off with the same mistake, so we'll talk. Will your boss let you take a long lunch tomorrow?"

Bear was speaking to me but stroking Elizabeth, who ate up all his attention. Such an attention whore. We could be each other's familiar.

"I don't know, but I'll ask in the morning." My face was still buried in his chest, so he couldn't see my smile, but maybe he felt it because I got another squeeze from him. "My boss is pretty decent, so there's a good chance."

"Hey, babe, it'll be fine. We'll get ourselves sorted out." He tilted my chin after he'd made his declaration, and I could see the quiet confidence in his eyes. "I need both of us to be all in for a month, but we can have that discussion tomorrow. Tonight's been a lot for both of us."

His words triggered an enormous yawn in me, and Bear chuckled softly. "Yeah, someone is ready to turn in for the night."

Suddenly, I was overcome with exhaustion, but a thought burst to the forefront of my mind. If I had a month with him, I wanted to pack in all the memories I could. The first of them would be the experience of being tucked in. In all the years I'd known I was little, I'd never had anyone tuck me in deliberately. The lodge didn't count because that was out of necessity. He sounded so confident tonight about what could be between us that I felt braver than usual.

"Bear?"

"Yeah, babe?"

"Ummm, do you think…I mean, if you want…no pressure or anyt hing…" My voice sputtered to a halt. So much for my moment of bravado. "Never mind. I'll see you tomorrow."

I might as well have tried to move a mountain when I attempted to escape his embrace. He kept me anchored firmly to him.

"Nope. Say what you wanted to say, babe."

I closed my eyes so I wouldn't see if he scowled, scoffed, or rolled his eyes. I found my courage again and asked, "Would you tuck me in?" And then I waited.

"I'd love to tuck you in."

Without another word, Bear took my hand in his and tugged me toward the bedroom. Elizabeth followed behind with a steady stream of squeaks, meows, and purrs. She immediately jumped up the path I'd created to allow her to get on my bed without help and snuggled into one of the stuffed animals I kept there. She'd chosen a chestnut-colored teddy bear, which was one of my favorites. Bear indicated for me to sit on the side of the bed and plucked at the stray hair of the wool throw that lay across the foot.

"Where do you keep your pajamas?"

I motioned to a chest on the far wall. Bear went through drawers and bypassed the regular sleep pants. He found my footed onesies in the bottom drawer and pulled out a pair decorated with reading worms and apples.

"Do you wear underwear or something else?" Instead of answering, I bit my lip. "You can be honest with me. There's no right or wrong answer."

"I usually wear cloth diapers at night if I'm sure I won't use them." I tried to look anywhere but directly at him. "They are in the same drawer as my PJs."

Bear nodded and rummaged around until he found some pull-up-style diapers with elastic along the openings. He gathered his supplies and headed back in my direction. He stopped in front of where I was perched on the bed.

"Are these okay?"

The best I could manage was a feeble nod.

Bear ran his hand over my hair and cupped my cheek. "Thank you for being brave."

Talking was becoming more difficult as I felt myself sinking further into my little headspace with his ministrations, but I fought hard to stay big.

"Hold on, and I'll get the water started."

Again, I only nodded.

From my vantage point, I could see him bustling around the bathroom, ensuring he had a proper towel for me and the temperature was warm enough. He knew me well enough to know I liked the water only a few degrees short of scalding. He used to laugh at me back in college when he'd come into the common area of the floor bathroom and the steam would billow out from behind the curtain. It hadn't sunk in yet that this was really happening.

"Hey, buddy, the water's ready for you," Bear said, walking back into my bedroom from the bathroom.

He reached out a hand to lace our fingers together and tugged me gently back into the bathroom. He knew I always preferred baths, and he'd remembered tonight. The tub was brimming with bubbles from the bubble bath and jets. "Do you want to get undressed on your own or have some help?"

"Hep peas," I asked. The pull into the little space was strong, but I continued to fight it.

"Thank you for letting me, baby." I reached up to unbutton my shirt, and Bear brushed my hands away. "Hey now, that's my job."

He quickly undid them and pushed my shirt off my shoulders to toss in the hamper in the corner. His movements were quick and efficient, and because of that, I felt less vulnerable. This wasn't about sex. This was about taking a bath and getting clean. He kneeled on the floor and handled my shoes and socks before rising to his feet again. Next, his fingers deftly released the clasp of my slacks.

Before moving on, he glanced up at me. "Pants only? Everything?"

"Silly, Da."

"You're right, baby, that was a silly question. You can't take a bath with clothes on. What was Da thinking? Good thing my sweet baby knows what to do." With that, he pulled down my pants and underwear and helped me step out of them. "Baby, step over here and go to the bathroom before you get in the tub."

Maybe I should have been embarrassed to be in this position, but it felt nothing close to it. Da helped me and nothing more. There was no pressure. No insinuation I should do more. Da would protect little me, and that was all that mattered. Nice was too mild of a word, but I couldn't think of a bigger one. So I stopped trying and let myself enjoy the moment we were in.

"Baby, let's get you in the water before it's not one step below boiling and you complain about the super-hot water being too cold."

His teasing tone made me smile and giggle. With his help, I stepped into the steaming, thrashing water. He handed me the sieve and plastic animals I kept stashed away in the bathroom cabinet. "Play with your farm animals for a little bit, okay? I forgot to grab your clothes."

With that, I dumped the animals in the sieve and had them bring the rain over and over again.

When Da returned, he sat on the closed toilet seat and watched me play. I snuck glances at him and his half-smile hadn't faded yet. I continued to play in the tub until the water began to cool off.

Da continued to check the water every once in a while, and after the third or fourth dunk of his fingers, he said, "Hey, baby, it's time to get clean, okay?"

I nodded my head. By now, the bubbles had popped away, but the jets kept my bottom a little covered. It didn't really matter because he'd seen everything before anyway.

"Do you want to wash yourself or hop into the shower?"

"No."

"No? No to which one, baby?"

"No out."

"Oh, you want to stay in the tub. Do you want to wash yourself or should I do it?"

"You, Da."

Without saying anything else, Da grabbed the loofah from the shower faucet, my regular shampoo, and the citrus-smelling bath soap. He dropped to his knees next to the tub. He used the sieve to wash my hair but carefully kept the soap out of my eyes.

"Thank you for sitting so nicely, baby. I'm almost done," Da said as he did a final rinse of my hair. "Just a little bit more, and I'll get the rest of you."

He double-checked for residue and called it good. After he set aside the shampoo, he put my citrus bath gel on the loofah. "You want to do this part or okay with me?"

"You." Da quirked his eyebrow but didn't make a move to touch me. "Peas."

"Sure thing, baby. Let's get you clean so we can get you to bed. It's been a long day, hasn't it?"

Da started at my neck and worked his way down. His touch wasn't sexual, but it soothed and relaxed me. He cleaned every part of me, and even though I was naked, I didn't feel vulnerable. With his efficiency, it didn't take long to get it done.

"All done. Let's get you out and in your jammies."

Da held my hand when I stepped out of the bathtub. He wrapped one towel around my waist, and he used the other to rub the water out of my hair. When he was finished, he dropped it on the hook and turned back to me.

"Baby, you okay if I dry the rest of you?"

I nodded, and he reached for the towel around my waist. Just like with the cleaning, he worked quickly and efficiently. I was in a big head space but only just barely. The thread that kept me there was fraying fast.

When he was done, he tossed the towel on the same hook as the first. Da pumped some lotion into his hand and then retraced the towel path. If I were asked to name a time I'd ever been more relaxed, there was no way I could have offered one up. His hands on my skin made me want to melt from the inside out. My bones felt squishy, and my heart rate was a slow thrum.

When he finished, he kneeled so I could step into my pull-up first and then the pajamas. I needed help keeping the footed part straightened out, but Da did all that. When he zipped me up, he also dropped a quick kiss on my nose and made me giggle.

"All right, wiggle worm. We're almost done."

Da used the face wipes he found on the counter and followed up with my moisturizer. He knew me well.

"Last thing, let's get your teeth brushed."

Da squeezed paste onto my brush and took over that task. After I spat and remembered to rinse the sink, Da took my hand and led me back into my bedroom. Once I was settled under the covers, he inserted the paci from the nightstand between my lips so I could suckle it and then grabbed the storybook off my nightstand.

"Let's get to your story."

"Da, here," I said around my paci and scooted over so he could sit beside me on the bed.

He kicked off his shoes before he sat, rested his back against the headboard, and stretched out his long legs. He looked like the perfect Da as he lounged. It would have been impossible to avoid snuggling up to him, so I didn't even try. Once he was settled, I put his arm around my shoulder and snuggled. Only the soft sounds of my suckling could be heard.

"Baby, how am I going to turn the pages now?" Da asked with a laugh.

"Me do it," was my reply. I was anchored to him and wasn't moving.

"Okay, that'll be your job."

He couldn't see me, but I beamed at his words. Snug in my pajamas, Da's smooth voice lulled me to sleep. I intended to stay awake to do my job, and I tried really hard, but it was a lost cause. After a jaw-popping yawn, Da put aside the book.

"I don't think you're going to make it. We can finish this later, baby. You're so tired."

"No," I said, tightening my grip across his torso when he moved to get off the bed.

"Baby, you need to sleep. I'll see you in the morning," Da said before he moved my hair back and kissed my forehead.

"Da stay. Peas."

I'd never been tucked in properly before, but I was certain it involved him staying with me. Elizabeth had snuggled up too and her purr was a constant rumble.

"Okay, baby. I'll stay until you're asleep and then let myself out. "

That was good enough. I nodded and snuggled back up against him. His arms encircled me, and I drifted off to sleep without a single thought in my mind.