Chapter 12

Rowan was kind of numb. He didn't even want to think about his mom. He just wanted to be safe. To forget everything. He looked at the clothes he held in his hands and for some reason he couldn't work out how they went together, or what to put on first. Which was crazy, but he just stared at them for what seemed like forever until a large pair of hands took them very gently from his own. He looked up at Daddy. "I can't work them out," he whispered. He didn't want to. He wanted it to be someone else's responsibility.

"Then it's a good thing I can," Daddy murmured. and took a second towel and made sure Rowan was dry. He even added some deodorant before he bunched up the t-shirt and pulled it over Rowan.

Rowan stared down. "Is this mine?" He didn't remember a Buzz Lightyear shirt. He had a Woody one, but he had no idea where that was, or if it was even important to remember.

"It is now," Daddy said, and Rowan smiled cautiously. That was good. Daddy seemed pleased. Then Daddy made sure his bottom half was dry. Rowan didn't look there. He didn't want to. If he thought about it, he would have admitted Daddy's sure, gentle hands were nice, but Rowan chose not to think about it. It was safer that way.

Safer for so many reasons, and shame burned brightly in him when he thought about Master Paul.

"Rowan, come back. I lost you there, buddy."

Rowan blinked. "I was thinking about being a puppy," he said honestly.

Daddy helped Rowan on with his pad and some comfy fleece-lined pajama bottoms. Rowan nearly gagged in horror at what he'd just said. What on earth was wrong with him? He—

But gently and oh so carefully, Daddy hooked a finger under Rowan's chin and lifted it until Rowan was staring into Daddy's warm brown eyes. Then Daddy smiled and Rowan melted. "It wasn't your fault. None of it was your fault."

Rowan stared at Daddy, unsure. Most things were his fault. At least Mother had always… But Daddy said it wasn't, and Rowan trusted Daddy more than Mother. "Okay," he whispered. Daddy stood and held out his hand and, awed, Rowan slid his hand into Daddy's grasp. His heart was doing a fluttering, beating thing, and his stomach felt like he was on a rollercoaster.

"I've never been on a rollercoaster," he said without thinking, and Daddy chuckled.

"You want to know a secret?" He steered Rowan to the small kitchen table and pulled out a chair. Rowan saw the Buzz Lightyear cup with a straw, but he was too busy thinking about the secret.

"Does anyone else know?" Because wow – Daddy might be trusting Rowan with something just for him. Daddy made sure Rowan was comfortable and then walked to the oven.

"Absolutely not," Daddy said. "They'd revoke my Dom card."

Rowan stared at Daddy in shock. "They can do that?"

"Well," Daddy smiled as he used a kitchen towel to wipe a frying pan, then pulled a jug of what looked like milk out of the fridge. He guessed it was for the pancake mixture with Daddy heating the pan. "They do, but not for this. I'm more likely to give it up voluntarily if anyone ever found out I'm afraid of rollercoasters."

Rowan gaped in surprise, but then Daddy winked, and the thought of Daddy being frightened of anything suddenly made him giggle, and the sound that bubbled from his lips must have shocked them both. Rowan because he didn't think he would laugh at anything ever again, and Daddy because…well, maybe for the same reason.

"I don't mind log flumes, water rides," he continued seriously. "My reason being that I can swim, but I can't fly." Rowan giggled again, but because this time he was sure he was allowed. Daddy looked pleased at the noise he made, and then out of the blue Rowan was imagining another sort of noise, and another sort of reason for it. And for once, it didn't make him feel dirty. Strange, and it was bewildering almost, but not necessarily wrong.

"Rowan?" Daddy must have noticed the little hitch in his breathing. "Are you okay, sweetheart?"

And Rowan melted. Daddy had called him sweetheart. He nodded enthusiastically and Daddy poured some batter in the pan, then went to the fridge and got out a packet of chocolate chips. "So, you like them with chocolate chips?" Daddy asked. "Is that your favorite?"

Rowan sobered almost instantly. "I don't know," he whispered, and of course because Daddy seemed to catch every single word he said, even the ones that escaped without permission, he turned after he flipped the pancake and shook the chips on it.

"Because you have so many you like, or…"

Rowan's throat got tight for some reason. "I had pancakes with fruit once at school, and Mother got cross when she found out." And he'd been dragged in front of the headteacher and they'd both been scolded about Rowan's sensitive stomach and how he wasn't allowed to eat them ever again. The next time his friends got pancakes, he just got an apple.

Daddy didn't respond right away, just slid the pancake onto a plate that he put in the oven and made a second one. Then when it was cooking, he set the spatula down and came over. Even though Rowan was sitting down, Daddy still bent and hugged him. After a moment, Rowan flung his arms around Daddy and clung on. His throat stung and he couldn't seem to swallow.

"How about," Daddy said quietly, "that for today until you get the chance to speak to someone about what it was like growing up, we take today as a day of firsts?"

"What if I don't want to talk about it?" he whispered. He was so ashamed. Most days he just wanted to disappear, although if he did that, he wouldn't be having this day. And anything he had with Daddy was worth all the stuff that came before.

He was just scared of the after.

"What do you think about having a first day?" Daddy nudged.

Rowan's throat eased a little because it hadn't been what he'd expected to hear. "First day of what?" he managed to get out.

"You're going to give yourself permission. You're going to eat what you like, say what you like, and know that whatever you say, you're in a safe space." Daddy hooked his finger under Rowan's chin. "You are allowed to be happy. In fact, as your Daddy, I declare you absolutely have to be."

And so, Rowan ate two and a half pancakes. He ate the first two because they were yummy and didn't finish the third simply because he was full. Not because there was a voice that echoed in his head about letting food control him, and he had to show it couldn't, but just because he was full. Then Daddy declared they would watch a movie while Rowan's tummy settled and then they would play some games. He had all sorts of things. Some boxes so new Daddy had to unwrap them, and in between, Daddy went and got the box out of Rowan's car when he confessed it was in the trunk, and soon Bear and Frog were joining in the fun. Or watching, but they were allowed to watch, they weren't just hidden away.

Rowan kept making sidelong glances at Bear because he wouldn't have minded him being nearer, but he didn't dare ask. But then Daddy had said it was to be a day of firsts, so Rowan pulled Bear next to him and Daddy just treated everything like it was normal, and Rowan had the best morning of his entire life.

Rowan heard Daddy's cell phone ring and watched as Daddy smiled at him before he answered it. Daddy kept his gaze firmly on Rowan while he talked. "Not sure. Let me ask and I'll text you back."

Rowan's heart did a little jumpy thing, but Daddy didn't seem worried. "That was Daddy Patrick. They wondered if you wanted to meet at a little café for lunch near the hospital. Charlie had to go in for a meeting and Daddy Patrick is picking him up." Daddy hesitated. "Daddy Patrick says it's a safe space. It's owned by a friend of Charlie's."

Rowan paused. He'd been coloring very carefully because he wanted to do his best work and had gotten lost in a world of puppies. "There's no pressure," Daddy said. "We don't have to go anywhere today."

Rowan looked at Daddy very carefully, trying to work out what Daddy wanted to do. Maybe Daddy would like to visit Daddy Patrick. He'd been really patient with Rowan, but he must be bored just watching him play and color, and then he felt a little shame creep in and bit his lips, looking down. Daddy must hate—

"Oh no you don't," Daddy said into the silence. "What did I tell you?"

Rowan gulped and looked up. "That today was a day of firsts."

"And you were giving yourself permission to experiment and just do what makes you happy," Daddy added.

Rowan considered the question. "What will happen afterwards?"

Daddy looked puzzled, but then he nodded as if he understood the question. "After we visit? If we go? Well, I hope you're going to come back here. You'll need a quiet evening after all the worry of the last few days, so we'll watch a movie, then it's a bath and an early night. You have a choice, of course." He leaned forward. "If at any time you want to go to your dad's, all you have to do is say and I can take you there right away."

"I don't want to go to my dad's." He wanted to pretend he was going to be here forever. He knew he wasn't, but when he was little he could forget about everything else. When he was little, it made everything he wanted seem real.

Daddy regarded him thoughtfully. "Then I think we should meet Patrick and Charlie. It's important not to cut yourself off from your friends."

And Rowan smiled. Having the decision made was so freeing, and not like the decisions Mother made for him. The ones he hated but never got a choice in. He didn't have to worry about these decisions. Daddy had said they were going, and he trusted Daddy. "You have time to get changed if you want to, but I like you wearing that, and I think you have a blue sweater that would be warm enough for the car."

Rowan agreed immediately and almost skipped to the bathroom to change his pad, just in case. Then he had an awful thought. He only had another two spares. All the others were at Mother's, but he didn't want to go back there. He didn't want to go back there ever again.

Charlie might know what to do.

If he got the chance to speak to him on his own. Which was silly, he supposed, because he'd been so out of it this morning he'd let Daddy put the pad on and never thought it was wrong, so he should be able to ask Daddy. He might have to think about that some more.

Daddy helped Rowan get comfortable in the car, and made sure he had his seat belt fastened, then he took the long way out of the neighborhood and pointed out the plots of land where the new houses were being built. "I've got a deposit on one that I have to make a decision on pretty soon."

Rowan looked over. "You might not move there?"

Daddy huffed a little. "I want to change my job. I'm bored. I haven't been happy for a while. It's a good company, but I have to travel a lot and I'm ready to stay in one place." Rowan twisted his fingers together and wished for things that might never come true. Would it be worse living close to Daddy when he wasn't Rowan's anymore? Because Rowan knew deep down that this was a fairytale. A really nice one, but it still wouldn't be forever.

But then Daddy's large hand settled on both of Rowan's and Rowan's fingers stilled immediately. "We're going to have to practice telling each other things," he said thoughtfully. "So we both get used to it. I'll start," and Daddy told Rowan about his sister and how he hoped they would meet each other very soon, and Rowan told Daddy about his degrees and that he really didn't know what to do with them, and somehow he didn't feel silly, or useless, because Daddy thought it was very sensible to take his time deciding. Somehow that explanation got them all the way to the café.

"I think I did them because I didn't know what else to do," he confessed suddenly and nearly held his breath.

"Well of course not. You're barely twenty-one, Rowan; it's not wrong to not know what you want to do. Why don't you take some time? Give yourself a break?" Rowan beamed happily. Daddy even took his hand to cross the road and didn't even let it go when they got to the door and they stepped inside.

"Rowan?"

Rowan turned, still with a smile on his face, because it hadn't registered that the voice wasn't Charlie's, and looked right into the shocked eyes of Mrs. Edwards. He nearly yanked his hand out of Daddy's grip, but it was too late and he saw her eyes narrow and her lips tighten in disapproval.

She took a step forward and Rowan couldn't help it, he stepped back right into the warm chest behind him. Mrs. Edwards had never been cruel, she just did exactly what Mother always instructed.

"I received a visit from the police," she hissed out like it was Rowan's fault. "I do hope you've spoken to them and dismissed all this nonsense." She glared over his shoulder. "I think you should come home with me. You know it's what your mother would wish." She even closed her hand on Rowan's arm like she was going to drag him away. And then before Rowan even had a chance to blink, Daddy was in front of him and holding his hand out to shake Mrs. Edwards' and introduce himself, which meant she had to let go of Rowan, and from out of nowhere Charlie appeared and put an arm around Rowan and steered him to their table.

Rowan was in a seat before he knew it, and Charlie was holding his cold, shaking hands, but Rowan couldn't hear what Charlie was saying because of the noise in his head and the pain in his chest. Maybe he would have a heart attack and just die? He had been about to have a nice lunch with his friends. Daddy had brought him. He'd held his hand, but then Mrs. Edwards had seen, and everything seemed spoiled and dirty now. Just like Mother always said. Mother had said a lot of things about Rowan being dirty. Maybe she was right.

Maybe Daddy would realize Rowan was spoiled and dirty as well. And then he wouldn't want to hold Rowan's hand, or have any more first days, or eat chocolate chip pancakes. Rowan curled up as much as his stupid, fat body would allow, closed his eyes, and pretended he wasn't here. Maybe if he tried really hard, it would come true.