Chapter 11

Rowan was awake, but he really, really, didn't want to be. Daddy was still asleep. Rowan knew this because Daddy was snuggled up to his back. He knew something bad had happened, but it was just out of his grasp, kind of there, but not, and he didn't want to think about it. He wanted to just stay here for the rest of his life because lying in bed with Daddy's arm around him made him feel safe.

Then Daddy moved and Rowan's eyes shot open. He could feel something hard poking into the top of his thigh and thought about his own body. And how much he hated it. Everything down there had always been hidden away. Dirty. Even when he saw Daddy Gabriel, the pad always hid his reaction.

And Mother—

Rowan's breath hitched as the thing he had been trying to avoid thinking about slammed into his brain.

"Rowan?"

And now Daddy was awake and he would go. Rowan clamped his hand down on Daddy's arm, willing him not to move.

"Rowan, are you okay?" Daddy huffed. "Sorry, that was a really dumb question. I guess we fell asleep, huh?"

So Daddy didn't really want to be in here with him. It was an accident. Of course it was. He should let go, but he didn't seem to be able to move his hand.

"How about I go get us both a drink? What would you like?"

Rowan wanted to cover his ears with his hands and pretend he couldn't hear, but that would mean letting go of Daddy's hand and then he would go.

Daddy was silent a moment. He was probably working out how to let Rowan down gently.

"I'm sorry, Daddy," Rowan blurted out. "I'll go. I have my car." Rowan hissed in a breath at his slip. "And I called you Daddy without your name. I'm sorry." He must hate him. If Rowan could have vanished on the spot, he would. Or died. He could die. No one would miss him.

"Woah," Daddy Gabriel interrupted his mental ramblings. "No one's dying."

Oh crap, he'd said that out loud. He kept doing that.

"Rowan, turn and look at me, please." Rowan cringed. "Rowan," Daddy repeated in a tone that seemed to melt everything inside him and Rowan had turned before he knew it. But Daddy didn't shout or get out of bed. He pulled Rowan against his chest. Rowan inhaled. He smelled wonderful, even through the shirt he still wore from last night.

"I'm—"

"How about you stop apologizing for something that isn't your fault?"

Rowan clamped his mouth shut.

"There's only two things I need from you at the moment. Firstly, I want you to understand that I'm not going to pester you with questions. You want to talk to me, then I'm happy to listen. I'm also happy to make sure you get to talk to Charlie today, your dad, or one of your other friends as well. Secondly, I want to know what you'd like to do today. I'd love for you to stay here. I'm also happy to take you to your dad's or Charlie's. Anything you want at all, just say."

"Was it my fault?"

Daddy didn't let him go. If anything, he tightened his arm around him. "Was what your fault, Rowan?"

"She might have died. She might have died, and I should have known."

"How about you tell me who you mean?"

So Rowan did. He told Daddy all about growing up. How Mother and Father—Dad—had fought over what he was allowed to do all the time. How his mother always said he had a sensitive stomach, then the cancer. It all kept spilling out like he couldn't stop. Then the mix-up with the vitamins and Mother's sleeping pills, and Daddy went very very still, but after a few seconds when Rowan worried he'd said too much, Daddy encouraged him to keep going.

"It was like no matter what I did, it was always wrong. It was easier to agree with Mother because she made less of a fuss that way. Dad just went quiet, and he was away at work a lot, anyway." Rowan bit his lip. "The police think she did it to me, but they can't prove it because it was too long ago."

And Rowan knew something else now. Mother didn't love him. Rowan was a duty. She said she loved him, but in a startling moment of clarity, he knew she didn't. He just didn't understand why.

So he told Daddy some more. About his bed-times and the food and how he didn't understand any of it.

Daddy Gabriel listened very carefully. "Rowan, I want to ask you something. It isn't to do with your mom because while I will always support whatever decision you make, I think you need to talk to someone professionally about this. And we'll make that happen," he added when Rowan opened his mouth to object.

"What I want to ask you is about being a little. Do you let your little side out because you feel safe and happy then, or is it a way of fitting in with your friends?"

And Rowan thought about his secret space at his dad's house. Then he thought about his reaction to Woody. It seemed odd. "I can't be little unless I feel really safe, but then I don't know …no, it's as if I don't know how to be my sort of little."

Daddy nodded. "Ah, so you're saying the safety has to come first before you let yourself be a little, and even then, how deep you go may depend on how you feel?"

He nodded. Rowan had never thought about it, but it was true. He would never touch one of the stuffies at the club. He played with the construction toys, and he liked to color, but that was it.

"Does your dad know?"

"No. No one except the club."

"I have another question then. I think you're calling me Daddy because you feel safe to do so. Is that right?"

"Yes," Rowan said. And wishful thinking. But if he was honest, Daddy Gabriel had been Daddy in his head for a long time.

"Then how about this? I'll go get us a drink while you use the bathroom. Then you need to call your dad because you promised. Then I think you should just relax and spend the day here. Let your little side play. See how you feel. Experiment. You know I'll keep you safe. But if you agree, that means I'm the Daddy as well."

"But you're not a Daddy," Rowan said.

Daddy chuckled. "I'm a Dom, which means I'm hardwired to take care of you and expect obedience in return. We're not going to do anything except relax and play. Maybe watch a movie."

Rowan smiled, feeling like he'd just been given a gift.

"What's your safeword?"

Rowan gazed at Daddy Gabriel. "Pineapple." And he'd never gotten to tell anyone. Master Paul had never even asked which should have told him it was wrong.

Daddy Gabriel didn't even blink.

Gabriel listened for the bathroom door to close, but just in case, he took his phone out onto the small balcony at the back of his lounge. Patrick answered on the second ring.

"How's Rowan?"

"He told me the same as what you did, plus there was a similar incident of Rowan supposedly mixing up vitamins and his mother's sleeping tablets. I think the cops are trying to establish a pattern of behavior. They have to know they don't have a chance of proving anything was done to Rowan. He needs someone to talk to quite urgently, and I was hoping you had some kink-friendly names."

"Absolutely. I'll text two recommendations. And apart from that?"

Gabriel sighed. "I asked him if he's attracted to being a little because it's what he wants to do or because it"s what his friends do. I know he started as a sub."

"And what did he say?" Patrick asked. "Charlie's wondered for some time if he's a middle or simply joining in because it's a non-threatening atmosphere."

"That was what I wondered," Gabriel admitted, "but he told me he has to feel safe before he allows himself to be a little, but I honestly don't think he knows how much of a little he wants to be because he's never felt safe enough to find out. He says the pads aren't his thing but take the shame out of the equation and I'm not so sure. I've left him checking in with his dad, and then we're going to spend the day relaxing and see how he feels." Gabriel hesitated. Honesty as a Dom was paramount, and Patrick had always been a good friend. "He calls me Daddy. And I allow it."

Patrick was silent for a few heartbeats. "Look, Gabriel, you're an intelligent man. I don't need to spell out the dangers involved in pursuing this if your heart isn't in it. We both know how vulnerable Rowan is."

"You just said you didn't need to spell it out," he said, dryly.

Patrick huffed down the phone. "This isn't Charlie and me, is all I'm saying. Charlie was capable of making adult decisions. I'm not sure Rowan is in that head space yet."

"Oh, I know he isn't," Gabriel agreed, then paused because he remembered how utterly lost Rowan had been last night, and how much Gabriel had ached to be his compass. "I'm also fully aware even though in the lifestyle friendships can be very intense, I left the friendship zone a couple of weeks ago. Do I know if I can offer a permanent whatever this is? No. But nothing in life is certain. At the moment, Rowan wants to be here with me, and I will do my damnedest to keep him safe and build him a proper support network."

Patrick was silent for a heartbeat. "How can we help?"

Gabriel swallowed. "By teaching him that being a little, being vulnerable, isn't wrong. I'm awed that he finds my place safe, but he needs to be proud of who and what he is, and that bitch has made him apologize practically for being alive for the past twenty years. He asked me this morning if the girl being sick was his fault." Gabriel"s hand shook as he held the phone. "His fucking fault? I want to strangle them both. The dad may be stepping up now, but that still doesn't excuse his neglect. Give them thirty minutes with Master Carrington and no limits."

Patrick chuckled because Amos Carrington was a sadist and normally refused to take on any sub that didn't have clear limits. He always said he was a la carte, not a free for all buffet, and he'd been known to scare the crap out of submissives to teach them a lesson in communication.

"I'm here. We both are."

"I think he needs a lawyer," Gabriel said. "I know that's his dad's purview, but he needs to make his own medical decisions. Apparently, his mom was still accompanying him everywhere."

Patrick hummed a little. "Let me see who I know."

"I also think he needs a second opinion on whatever he has going on medically, but that's a way off."

"Agreed," Patrick said. "Let me know what you need, anytime."

Gabriel clicked his phone off and thought about what he'd just admitted to Patrick. Yes, he was a Dominant. Yes, Rowan was a little. But Patrick and Charlie made it work, or was that just because Patrick was strictly a daddy these days? He couldn't narrow down or put a name to the relationship he had with Rowan. He might have spent less time at the club since his dad's death and helping Clare to get situated, but that didn't explain why he didn't seem to be connecting with any of the subs.

He got up and walked back through the lounge and into the bedroom. Rowan was still in the bathroom, but it was quiet. He would bet money that Rowan was in there working himself up over what he'd told him. Well, that stopped now. Whatever they became, it started with trust.

Gabriel knocked on the door. "Can I come in?" Rowan didn't answer, but the door cracked open a moment later.

Gabriel smiled as if there was nothing wrong with Rowan hiding in the bathroom. "Pancakes?"

Rowan gaped, but then he took a deep breath. "Withchocolatechips?" He rushed it, but the words were still discernible.

Gabriel smiled. "Are there any other kind?"