Chapter 18

Expecting to see Duke the following morning at breakfast, my heart sank upon hearing the news he’d left the previous evening.

It was all my fault.

“How did he seem?” I sat next to Cyril on the terrace, a chill in the air for the first time since arriving.

“Hard to say. Maybe you should talk to him. We both know there’s something between you, although I’m not exactly sure what that is. I think only you and he can work out what.”

He was right about that. All night, I’d lain awake, replaying our conversation in my head. I never knew things had been that bad for him, but then, after he’d run, I’d put him out of my mind as best I could. For years after the accident, my attention and focus had been on Robbie, and only occasionally had I given Duke any thought.

These past few months, I’d thought about him more. Mainly because he’d been so present in my life for whatever reason. Everywhere I’d turned, he was there, and I began to wonder if that meant something. Was life telling me it was time to move on and let bygones be bygones?

“You’re off today as well, right?” Cyril asked, breaking into my thoughts.

“I am, yes. I have a few things I need to take care of, things I should have done a long time ago.”

“Well, Barbara and I are happy you decided to join us for this small production. We’d like to extend an invitation to you for upcoming movies, if you’d be interested.”

“You know, you’re a great couple, and these past few days have been amazing, but between you and me, I’m calling it a day. I’ve other things I need to pursue.”

“Would one of those be a six-feet, dark-skinned man with a shaved head by any chance?”

“Who knows?”

“I won’t pry and ask what happened last night, but he wasn’t his usual self when he left. A little upset, perhaps? I’ve watched you both while you’ve been here. I know you might not have spotted me, but it’s what I do. I watch and I learn. You have to in my line of work. I need to make sure my actors are happy and pair them with the right person to get the perfect chemistry on screen.

“You and Duke have that. Don’t throw it away, son.”

Leaving me with my coffee, he walked away to greet Barbara when she appeared looking as tired as I’d seen her.

She waved wearily, and I waved back before returning to the view and my coffee. Last night had been an eye-opener for me. As old as I was and as many times as I’d had sex, nothing compared to the care and attention Duke lavished on me.

Sex had been a job for me, not that I didn’t enjoy it. I wouldn’t do the damn job if I didn’t, but there was rarely a deep connection there, certainly no emotions, and that had suited me just fine.

I’d thought for years I didn’t need it. I fucked and got fucked, never for one minute thinking that something was missing.

Not saying that was Duke, but he’d shown me that sex could be sensual in a way I’d not experienced before, not just ‘wham, bam, thank you mam’, or in my case, man.

Down and dirty sex I could do. I’d happily done that for years and been paid handsomely for it. Now, it was time to call it a day and move on with the rest of my life.

I’d told Dex this was my last job, but the doubt that I’d ever be good at anything else had me rethinking my decision more than once.

I planned to visit Robbie, put things right with him, and I’d be having words with my parents too. For far too long, Robbie’s wellbeing and care had all been on me; it was about time they stepped up and took over some of the responsibility.

The money I had was no longer bottomless. I was Robbie’s brother. They were his parents, time they acted like it.

I packed my clothes and camera, and after saying goodbye to everyone, I was ferried to the airport. The flight was as expected, and I arrived home to a dull and dreary reception, nothing at all like the temperatures I’d got used to.

My apartment was freezing, and I turned up the heating, wrapping myself tight in a hoodie and sweatpants.

Time to make some changes.

I contacted Dex first.

“Hey, how did it go?” he asked. “I heard good things.”

“It was fine, but it was my last.”

“Now, I told you not to be hasty.”

“You did, but I’m done, Dex. Time for me to retire. I have my investments, and we still have some sponsorship deals we can make the most of until they run out. I’ve been in this business for too long. I want more out of my life.”

“Well, if you’re sure. There’s nothing I can do to persuade you to stay?”

“Not one thing. I’ll be in touch soon. Been great having you on the team, Dex.”

“Likewise.”

And just like that, the only ‘job’ I’d known since God knows when was done.

Time for a new plan.

Three days later, I was driving down to see Robbie. We’d talked on the phone, and I’d told him my plans for the future. Did it go down well? Not really.

Time to hash this out. I’d asked my parents to be there too. Shit needed sorting.

A car I didn’t recognise sat on the drive. Nothing unusual with that. Robbie often had carers dropping in at all times to help out.

But when I walked through the door, that damn voice hit me.

Fucking Duke.

Was he following me around?

“Simon,” Robbie said excitedly. “Look who dropped in.”

Duke turned around and looked at me, his eyes wide.

Guess he wasn’t expecting me to be here.

“Simon.”

“Duke.”

Robbie looked between us. “What the fuck is going on here?”

“Nothing. I’ll be in the kitchen.” I walked out of the lounge and into the kitchen, my heart pounding. I certainly wasn’t expecting to see him so soon. I poured myself a glass of water, watching as my hands trembled.

I leant my back on the counter and dropped my chin to my chest, my eyes closed.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were coming. I can just leave.” Duke stood in the doorway, looking apologetic.

His voice startled me, and I almost dropped my drink.

“No, it’s fine. You came all this way to see Robbie. You should stay. I need to go find my parents anyway.”

“I think they were in the conservatory. They left Robbie and me to talk.”

“And how’s that going?”

“Surprisingly well. It’s like we’ve never been apart, to be honest. He introduced me to Carlos, but your parents’ reception was a little frosty.”

An awkward silence filled the room. The last words I’d said to him was that I needed to think. I’d done nothing but that since returning, debating how we could have a relationship with my issues of forgiveness.

The thing was, I’d missed the fucker. Missed the banter, missed his cocky smile and most of all, I missed him.

He deserved an answer, and maybe I deserved a future.

“About what I said, the last time we were together.”

“It’s fine, Simon. I understand this could never work between us. You can’t forgive me, and I get it. I really do.”

“You misunderstand me. I want to try and make a go of it. You and me…if you want to.”

“Really?”

“Don’t sound so surprised.”

“It’s just, that last night together, when I told you all those things…”

“Do I need to prove it to you?” I beckoned him closer.

“But Robbie…”

“Robbie can fuck off.” I grabbed the front of his shirt and smashed my mouth to his.

His arms wound tightly around me as I stroked his head, rough from the stubble beginning to grow.

“Is this what you got up to in France?” We broke apart, catching our breath, and turned to Robbie in the doorway.

“Well, part of it,” I said. “Duke and I…”

“I don’t care what you guys do or got up to. It’s been a long time coming is all I’ll say on the matter.”

Duke and I looked at each other. What was Robbie talking about?

“What do you mean?” Duke asked, voicing my thoughts.

“When we were kids, Duke never took his eyes off you. I thought you knew that. And as for you, Simon, you were forever asking me if Duke was coming over. It wasn’t difficult to spot. Come on, guys, even you aren’t that naive.”

Appears we were.

“So, what’s next? Is he going to be my brother-in-law?” he asked, a cheeky smile on his face.

“Three days, Robbie. We spent three days together.”

“I thought you said you saw him at the spa?”

“Not my finest moment, but we’re taking it slowly. We both have a lot to deal with.” I wasn’t sure whether Duke had filled Robbie in on his former life, but when he shook his head slightly, I assumed he hadn’t.

“I came to go over what we talked about on the phone anyway. Duke being here, it saves me from having to repeat myself for part of the conversation. Mum and Dad still in the conservatory?”

“Watching TV as usual.” Robbie pressed a lever, and his chair moved away. I nodded to Carlos, who was standing by the door. He had the biggest smile on his face.

“What’s up with you?”

“I am very happy for you, Simon. Robbie too. He has his friend back, and you have yourself a hot lover.”

I burst out laughing. “You could say that, yes.”

I reached my hand behind me and grabbed Duke’s, leading him into the conservatory.

Mum’s pinched face spoke volumes, but I didn’t give a flying fuck what she thought. It was time for me to have my life back.

We sat on the sofa facing my parents, and I turned off the TV with the remote.

“As you can see, I have a few things to tell you about. I’m not sure you’ll be happy with any of them.”

Duke squeezed my hand, giving me the courage to speak out. I’d had it all planned out in my head, but Duke being here added another thing to the unwritten agenda.

“What’s he doing here?” Dad spoke and nodded to Duke.

“He came here to see me, Dad. Remember?” I looked over at Robbie. How long had that been going on?

“You remember, Duke. He was with Robbie the night of the accident,” Mum reminded him.

Dad looked mildly confused, his brow wrinkled, but he said nothing more. He slouched on the sofa, his arms crossed, and gazed out of the window onto the garden and farmland beyond.

“I’ve a few things to say,” I started. “Firstly, I’m no longer acting.”

Mum snorted, still not over the fact I did porn for a living.

“Mum,” Robbie warned. She rolled her eyes and mirrored Dad’s posture, slouched with arms crossed. I had her attention, or at least I thought I did.

“I’m just letting you know that there’ll be no more big cheques. Other than the few remaining sponsorship deals, there’ll be no money coming in.”

“How are we supposed to manage?” she asked, sitting a little straighter.

“The house is paid for, and I’ll still pay for Carlos and Robbie’s physio. If we ask Duke nicely, he might throw in a few massage sessions for him. I think I can persuade him to do them free of charge.”

He leant over and whispered in my ear, “I’ll do a buy one get one free deal if you’d like.”

“Stop it. I’m trying to be serious here.”

“Carry on, Simon. You know I’m grateful for all the help. You’ve spent all of your adult life looking after me and Mum and Dad. About time you had your own life.”

At least Robbie got it, finally, even if my parents didn’t. If I was right about what was happening to Dad, no wonder Mum was looking worried.

Other people managed, and they would too. I wasn’t cutting them off completely; I was encouraging them to do things for themselves now, knowing deep down that if things became difficult financially, I’d still help out.

“I’m also going to be staying here in the UK now. No more travelling to and from LA; those days are over. I will be staying in Liverpool, though. I want to concentrate on a few other things I’m looking into, and if they come off, I’ll be happy.”

My plan was my gallery, but I needed some more photos. I’d had an idea on where I wanted to go with my artwork, and having Duke with me now, I could bounce some ideas off him, see what he thought.

“Lastly is Duke.”

“I thought you hated him. I certainly do.” Mum’s venomous words struck a chord.

“About that. Things happen, times change. A good friend told me I shouldn’t be living in the past. I should be looking to the future, and right now, Duke is my future.”

“Aw, that’s so sweet,” Robbie said, his hand on his chest.

“Shut the fuck up.” Duke and I spoke at the same time, breaking the tension that had built in the room.

“Can I be a bridesmaid?” Robbie asked, and I glared at my brother. There was that mouth again. He never did know when to shut up.

“Just one more word, Robbie. I’m warning you.”

“I will keep him quiet,” Carlos said and placed his hand over Robbie’s mouth.

Still wondering what their relationship was, I thanked him and carried on.

“Any questions?”

Robbie mumbled from behind Carlos’s hand.

“What was that? I didn’t quite catch it. If it has anything to do with weddings, you can shut up now.”

He stopped and winked.

I forgot what a brat he could be when he wanted to.

Strange as it was, I’d dreaded today. Telling my parents I was stepping back and not supporting them fully financially had been plaguing me. I knew they were taking advantage. Taking holidays and leaving Robbie here—not always alone, but there were times when Carlos couldn’t be here. They thought I didn’t know, but the carers I paid for kept me up to date, as did Carlos.

“Do you have anything to say, Mum?” Usually very vocal, she sat quietly, her lips pursed.

“So you’re choosing him over us?” What a stupid fucking question.

“No, I’m not. I’m choosing my life for a change. I had to grow up and take care of the family.”

“How dare you say such things?” Mum stood up, her fists balled at her sides.

“I’m only speaking the truth. I know you found it hard. We all did, but I knew something had to be done, or else Robbie would have spent his life in a hospital bed. At least now, with the money I brought in, he has a better quality of life.”

By now I was shouting. Dad was quivering on the sofa, looking terrified.

“You’re scaring your father.”

“And just when were you going to tell me about that, eh? Dementia? Alzheimer’s?

“He’s fine. He just gets a bit confused now and again.”

“Really? Fine?” I stood too, walking over to him. He shrank back, cowering from me.

“Mum,” Robbie said quietly, bringing the tone of the conversation back to something normal. “You know Dad needs help.”

The thing is, my parents weren’t old, although Dad had a few years on Mum. She was sixty, and he was sixty-four. They’d not met until late and had us even later in life.

She slumped back in the chair.

“I’m not leaving you high and dry, Mum. I’m not that cruel, but I won’t continue to fund your holidays. I’ve put my heart, soul and money into this family. I’m taking some of that back, living for me now.”

A tear slowly fell from her eyes. “It was just so hard.”

And now I felt bad. I went over to her and put my arm around her shoulder.

“I know, Mum, but I was his brother, not his carer. That was your job.”

“I failed us all.”

“No, you didn’t.”

I looked over at Robbie. Some support would be good about now.

Taking the hint, he drove his chair over to her and placed his hand on hers.

“Simon just needs his life, and we’ve been selfish for long enough, don’t you think?”

She wiped at her eyes with the sleeve of her jumper. “I know you’re right. It’s just a lot to take in all at once. The money side of things, I can understand. But this…”

She gestured towards Duke.

“He’s non-negotiable, Mum. He stays regardless of what you say or think. Duke is part of me.” I looked him in the eye, speaking only to him. “He’s always been a part of me. I just didn’t realise it until now.”

He smiled but stood up. “I think I should go. This should be a time for family.”

“You’re going nowhere. Step into the house if you must, but don’t leave. Not without talking to me, okay? We’ve a lot to discuss.”

I watched as he walked into the house, admiring his form and wondering how soon we could have a repeat performance of our last night in France.

“Hey, lover boy.” Robbie flicked my arm, grabbing my attention.

“Hmm? What?”

“Look at you. Finally smitten.” Robbie and his mouth. I would punch it, wheelchair or not.

“And look at you. Anything you want to tell me?” I eyed Carlos meaningfully. “Anything? Nothing going on there?”

Robbie blushed, finally lost for words.

“I thought as much. Not that I disapprove.”

Mum’s sniffles drew my attention again.

“Have you spoken to a doctor about Dad? I think that’s the first thing to do if you haven’t done so already.”

“We’ve spoken to no one, but you’re right. It’s time.”

Dad was no longer cowering but back to gazing out of the window.

“Is it time for a cup of tea?” he asked, seemingly back to normal. “I’ll go put the kettle on. Simon, my boy. Lovely to see you. Was that Duke I saw earlier? Hasn’t he shot up?”

With that, he stood and left the room.

“See, he’s fine,” Mum said, smiling. “Nothing to do.”

Another fucking thing to add to the list, and the pressure I’d felt lifting settled like a dead weight on my shoulders again.

“We’ll deal with this together, Simon. It’s not all on you this time. I’ll make sure of that.”

I squeezed Robbie’s shoulder and went in search of Duke.

He was sitting in the kitchen, drinking a glass of juice with Dad.

“Did you know Duke was recently in France? Didn’t you go there?”

“Yes, Dad, I was. Is the tea ready?”

“Oh, are we having tea? Let me just put the kettle on.”

Not able to watch this play out any longer, I took Duke’s hand and led him into the lounge.

“It’s not too late to back out. You can see what I have to contend with, and now with Dad…”

“One day at a time. One second, one minute, one hour. Let’s take it slowly. I’m here for you.”

“Even after everything I said and did?” I needed to be sure before I put my heart on the line.

“It’s in the past,” Duke said, “My decisions were my own as were my mistakes.”

I stroked his face with the back of my hand, feeling sentimental and emotional. “If you can own up to yours, I can do the same. I want you, Duke Anders.”

“And I want you, Simon Fletcher. I guess I can’t call you Simon Stroker anymore.”

“Only in the bedroom with the scorecards.”