10. Alex

10

Alex

As my eyes adjust to the morning light, I look at the clock and see that it's already nine-thirty. I never sleep this late. I prefer to go to the gym before work, so I'm usually up by five. It was almost five before Rosie and I fell asleep last night.

A smile spreads across my face as I think about Rosie. She's it for me. After she fell asleep last night and I watched her till I succumbed, I tried to figure out how this could work. I even tried to figure out a way for me to work remotely and just follow her like a groupie.

She doesn't have to be back at the hotel until two, so we can make love at least one or two more times, take a shower, and have lunch together. I roll over and find an empty bed. She must have gotten up earlier.

I sit up and listen for a second to see if I can hear her voice. Maybe she's on the phone with her sisters, but I don't hear anything. There's only silence.

I feel the bed and the sheets are cold. She's been gone for a while and suddenly there's a ball of anxiety forming in the pit of my stomach. Where would she go?

She wouldn't just leave. Even though she never said it, I know that she loves me too. I could see it in her eyes when she looked at me as we made love. The last time was slow, face-to-face and so perfect.

I get up and pull on a pair of basketball shorts.

"Rosie!" I yell through the house even though I know it's pointless. She's not here.

I look at my phone to see if she's called or sent a text and there's nothing.

I make my way to the kitchen and there in front of the coffee maker is a note. It says that she's sorry, but she couldn't face me this morning knowing she would have to break both our hearts. That we are in different places in life and that I deserve someone who can be one hundred percent committed to me. She finishes the note by saying that she will never love another man the way she loves me and that she wishes we had met in another life.

I crumple the paper up and throw it away. I leave the kitchen only to run back in, grab the note out of the trash, and work for minutes to try and flatten it back out.

I don't believe this is the end for us. It can't be. Maybe I should back off, but I didn't get where I am in life by making safe choices and not taking chances. That woman is the only one I will ever love, and she loves me. She said so in the letter. Now I just have to figure out how to get her to understand that our love can overcome anything.

I pick up my phone and call someone who knows us both.

"Hey, Alex, is there a problem with the party cleanup?" Liz asks when she answers the phone. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"I have no idea. I haven't checked in since last night. I don't have any texts or emails about it though."

"Then why are you calling me on a Sunday morning?" she pauses. "No, you didn't mess things up with Rosie already. I don't want to be in the middle."

"She left me in the middle of the night or early this morning. It doesn't really matter when it happened. I was asleep and she left."

"Okay, then you need to let her go. She's an adult and she makes her own decisions."

"No."

"No?" Liz asks incredulously. "Um, yes. I'm going to pretend that you didn't say that."

"That's not what I meant. I…I" I stammer as I try to put into words what I mean. "I know she can make her own decisions, but she said she loves me. She just doesn't think she can be enough for me and that's bullshit."

"She has a demanding career and lots of people depend on her. She may be head over heels in love with you and it may not be enough."

"I just can't believe that."

"Because you're a man who isn't used to hearing the word no. Rosie and her sisters have to work twice as hard and yell twice as loud to be heard by half the people that men in the industry do. Rosie knows how much work she puts in, and she probably worries that either a relationship with you or her professional career will suffer. Right now, because of her obligations and the demands on her, she's choosing her career."

I try to understand what Liz is saying, and I know that it makes sense, but all I hear is that I'm not as important as her career and I want to lash out. "How can she treat me like I'm nothing?"

"Alex, I'm hanging up. I want you to really think about what I said and about who you are and who you believe Rosie to be."

Before I can say a word, Liz hangs up. It's ten in the morning, but I grab a beer out of the fridge anyway. I have a feeling the only way I'm going to get through the day is if I'm drunk off my ass and I pass out.