CHAPTER SIX

-:- SARA -:-

Getting home from the hospital, I marveled that I didn’t get stopped for speeding or jumping a red light. Even knowing that he won’t be back for some time, fixing that broken arm will take a while, I can’t shake the fear that has been such a big part of my life for so long.

Sending Evan to his room to see what he wanted to take, I grab garbage sacks from the kitchen and head to my room. Walking into the bedroom I cringe at what’s gone on in here in the past. I only have one drawer in a dresser with clothes in it. One pair of shoes other than the ones I’m wearing. One coat and it’s not a winter coat at that, just a thin summer thing. Throwing things into a garbage sack highlights just how bad my life had become. Opening the wardrobe to grab my coat, I see a large carry-all and a small backpack.

“What the fuck am I thinking?” Grabbing the larger of the two, I open the zipper and dump my clothes from the sack into it. Seeing how much space is left brings a tear to my eye. I have so little to show for my twenty-five years, it’s heartbreaking.

Hearing Evan walk into the room, I see his little arms full. “Pop them onto the bed for me, Evan, then go get some more.”

“That’s all my clothes, Momma. I have a pair of shoes, but they hurt my feet.”

Scooping him up into a hug, I burst into tears. How low have I sunk that my son doesn’t have any clothes or a pair of shoes that fit? Feeling Evan start to cry with me, I pull myself together.

“Don’t cry, Poppet. Things are going to be better from now on. We’ll get you new shoes that fit and nice clothes like other boys have. How would you like a nice pair of sneakers to run around in?”

“Can I have a pair of jeans too, Momma?”

“Bless you, Poppet. I’ll get you whatever you want once I can get a job and earn some cash for us. Now, go back and see what toys you want to take with you.” I put him down and think to myself, ‘There aren’t going to be many of those, either.’

Picking up the backpack, it feels heavy. Going over to the bed, I empty it. Two handguns and several wads of dollar bills fall out. Gasping at the sight, I don’t know what shocks me the most, the pistols or the cash.

Picking up the pistols, I keep my fingers away from the triggers. They look identical, but one has a longer barrel than the other and it feels heavier. Mind you, when I point it at my image in the mirror, it’s as steady as a rock in my hand. Holding the other one up, it wobbles a bit. Dropping Wobbly back into the backpack, I put Rock Steady into the carryall.

Grabbing the cash, I start putting it into the carryall. Having a lightbulb moment, I stop. If I take it all, he’s gonna come for it. He won’t come for me or Evan, he’ll be glad we’re out of his hair, I’m sure. He would definitely want the cash.

Taking it back out, I make two piles. One pile goes back into the rucksack with the Wobbly, the other goes with Rock Steady in the carryall. I put the backpack back in the wardrobe and drop a coat in front of it. Maybe, he won’t know I’ve taken the carryall. Maybe, he won’t realize I’ve taken some of his shit from the backpack. Maybe, if pigs had wings, they’d be eagles! Maybe, my ass. He’s gonna know at some point, but he might weigh it up and think it’s not worth chasing me for it.

Throwing Evan’s pitiful pile of clothes on top of the cash, I walk into his room. He has an action figure in his hands and a teddy by his side. Teddy has one arm and the action figure has one leg.

Kneeling in front of him, I take the figure and place it on the bed. “We’re going to Gramps' house now. How about we stop when we’re nearly there and get you a new teddy for tonight and then we go shopping tomorrow for those jeans and sneakers?”

“Are we ever coming back here, Momma?”

“No, Evan. We’re never coming back, ever.”

“Good. Let’s go to Gramps. Is Gramps a good man, Momma?”

“Yes. He’s a very good man. He’ll take good care of us. He’ll love you to pieces.”

“Why haven’t we gone there before now then, Momma?”

“I don’t know, Poppet. God knows I should have done this years ago. Let’s go.”

Taking Evan's hand in mine and the carryall in the other, we go downstairs and I quickly scan around for anything else to take. Seeing nothing, I throw the carryall onto the front passenger seat and get Evan secured in his seat behind it.

The drive is going to be a couple of hours, I think to myself. We’ll have to stop for toilet breaks. My nerves are on edge and I have to force myself to stop watching the rearview mirror. Thinking of how my father will react when I turn up also has me a little worried. I haven’t seen him since Evan was a baby.

The asshole stopped me from having any, and all contact with him and any of my friends. If only I’d seen it earlier. I guess that’s how these control freaks and abusers do it though. Over time, they subtly undermine your confidence, fostering a dependence on them for every aspect of your life. Never again. I’m out now and staying out. Evan is going to have a normal life, like other kids.

Stopping at a diner in the middle of nowhere, I park out of sight of the road. It’s not a good-looking place, but I have to pee, so it will have to do. Some food wouldn’t hurt, either, but only if they’ve something we can take and eat on the road.

As I’m getting out of the vehicle, the carryall catches my eye. All my worldly possessions are in that one bag. Opening it, I take the pistol and the cash. Shoving the cash in my coat pockets, I slip it on. The pockets look a bit bulky but not glaringly out of place. I start to slip the pistol into my waistband at the back. I’ve never fired a pistol, but how hard can it be? Taking it back out, I look it over. In the movies, they slide the top bit and that loads it, I think. It won’t slide.

Seeing a little button-type thing, I push it down. The top bit slides easily and I think I’ve loaded it. Placing it back in my waistband at the back, the barrel feels uncomfortable with being so long. Taking Evan, I lock up the vehicle and we go inside the diner. Asking the waitress for the restrooms, she points to the far corner.

Taking Evan with me into the ladies, we do our thing and get washed up. Ordering some sandwiches, drinks, and chips to go, we head out to the parking lot. Seeing a man by the open passenger door of my vehicle, I shout without thinking, “Hey! Get out of there!”

He steps back and looks over at me. Seeing a lone woman and child, he grins and starts walking toward me. Evan squeezes my hand tightly, and that’s just what I need to go into ‘Momma Bear’ mode.

Taking the pistol from my waistband, I level it toward the thief’s head. His eyes don’t just widen in shock, he looks terrified.

“Shit, lady. Don’t shoot. I’m outta here.” Stepping backwards, he turns and runs toward the front of the diner.

Evan looks at me as I’m still following the man, but I maintain a hold of my pistol.

“Momma, you are such a badass. That was so cool!” Evan calls out excitedly as he looks at me with wide eyes.

Slipping the pistol back into my waistband, I look at my son. “Badass? You bet I’m badass. That’s gonna be my superhero name from now on. Badass Momma! What do you think of that?”

“I like it. Wait till I tell Gramps.”

Slipping Evan back into his seat, I then check the carryall. Our few clothes are strewn over the footwell. Thank God I took the pistol and cash, I think.

Sitting in the driver's seat, I take a moment to mull over the past few hours. Good things – Evan and I are free of the asshole. We have cash to get us a new start. I’m sure, more like hope , my father will give us a place to stay.

The bad things are that the asshole may come for his cash and pistol. The rounds he can have willingly . I need to learn how to defend Evan and me fast. I need to learn how to be invisible.

Snapping out of my thoughts, I start the engine and get back on the road. Glancing in the rearview mirror, I see Evan fast asleep, he looks relaxed and peaceful. Maybe that’s how I’ll look when I get some sleep now. I’ve had nightmares for so long, that I don’t think I can remember what a good night's sleep is.

Recognizing the area, I know we’re not far from my father's homestead. He was always the outdoorsy type, not like Mom. She hated it - didn’t like the heat, the cold, the tent, the insects, the noise of the animals, the silence of the forests… It didn’t matter to her what it was like, she didn’t like it.

When Pops went fishing, I couldn’t go. Pops? I haven’t thought of him as that for a long time. Probably because the asshole always referred to him as ‘your father’ in his sneering tone. He hated Pops. I think because he knew he saw through him right from the get-go. I never got to go camping, fishing, or none of the good stuff. I grew up being told by Mom that it wasn’t for girls. I missed out on a lot of good times because of her attitude. It wasn’t until after the cancer took her I got to go do outdoorsy stuff.

Then I met the asshole. I won’t dignify him by using his name, and he whisked me away from Pops and to what I thought was going to be the fairytale ending, my happily ever after. By the time I saw the truth, it was too late, and I was conditioned to his way of thinking.

Pulling into the lane to the homestead, I drive slowly up to the cabin. I say cabin, but it’s really a log house. It’s three stories if you count the loft. The loft is one enormous suite. Pops converted it when Mom took ill. She had everything in there that she could want for her comfort.

She hated it, as usual. Said he was trying to put her some place, out of sight, out of mind till she died. Looking back, I don’t know why they stayed together. Everything he did, no matter what, was always wrong. I know he loved her, but what she felt for him, I don’t know.

Pulling up, I step out and stare at the house. It is still as impressive as ever. It has what you can only describe as presence. You sure as hell cannot ignore it.

“Sara? When I woke up this morning, I didn’t think I’d be seeing you today. If I had, I’d have got up sooner to make it happen quicker. Are you ok? Is Evan ok? Is everything ok?”

“Hi, Pops.” Watching him walk towards me, he looks older. Of course, he is older, but he looks older than I think he should. He’s wearing the most godawful wool hat that covers most of his head to below his eyebrows. His coat looks two sizes too big. His pants are as baggy as all hell, and I’ve never seen him in galoshes before. Standing in front of me, large as life and twice as big, I’m not sure what to do or say.

“Can I hug you?” My feet leave the ground and I’m in a bear hug. I can hardly breathe, but I wrap my arms around him and suddenly I’m crying my heart out. By the time I’m all cried out, I open my eyes and I see Evan watching me from the window of the vehicle.

“Come on out, Evan. Meet your Gramps.”

Pops puts me down and turns slowly around. Popping the door open, he offers his hand to Evan. Seeing the cast on Evan's arm, Pops looks knowingly at me. “I’m going to kill that sonofabitch the first chance I get. Will he follow you here?”

“Not now, Pops. Not in front of Evan.”

Turning back to Evan, he holds out both arms. “Can I have a hug from my grandson, do you think?”

“My momma says you’re a good man. Are you gonna be good to us, Gramps?”

“Yes, son. I’ll be very good to you.”

Seeing my Pops cry, I knew I’d done right by coming here.

Once we were inside the house Evan went off exploring the rooms on his own. I sat at the kitchen table and took the pistol from the carryall where I’d put it before I drove away from the diner and placed it on the table. Emptying my coat pockets of the wads of cash, Pops sat silently watching.

Reaching over for the pistol, he did something with it and then raised an eyebrow at me. “You didn’t have the safety on.”

“That’s one of the things you need to teach me about. I need to be able to defend Evan if the time comes.”

“I’ll take you into town tomorrow and we’ll get the ball rolling. I take it this isn’t yours?”

“No. It was one of his.”

“One of? I’ll get rid of this tonight. Not knowing anything about its history, we’ll be better off if we’re not found with it,” he states, dropping it into his coat pocket.

“I’m going to need something in its place. I’ve almost had to use it once already.” I look at the table, as I can’t hold his gaze.

“You’re here now, so you won’t be needing one anytime soon. I’ve got enough to take care of the three of us. You want to fill me in on the gory details? I’ve got a good idea of the basics.”

As I’m telling Pops the details of my past few years, I can see him holding his temper in check. When Evan joins us, I stop and mention that we stopped a couple of times on the way here. Evan takes this opportunity to jump in and tell his Gramps about his badass supermom. I cringe, as I hadn’t meant for him to know about me and the pistol at the diner. Excusing himself, Pops leaves by the kitchen door.

Taking Evan upstairs, I get him washed and settle him in my old room. He has no pajamas, so I let him sleep in his underwear for tonight. Laying down with him, I cuddle him, and the teddy we’d stopped to buy, till he’s fast asleep, which takes only minutes.

Making my way back to the kitchen, Pops is back. “The pistol is disposed of. It was too risky having that around.” Reaching into his pocket, he passes me a knife in a sheath. “If he gets past me, use that. Tomorrow we’ll get you rigged up with something more suitable.”

“Thanks, Pops. I’m sorry for the past few years. I should’ve listened to you.”

“You’re both here now. That’s all that matters. Let’s get some sleep. There’s going to be a busy few days. I haven’t had guests in a while and wasn’t expecting any.”

Sleeping in Mom’s old room is a bit weird at first, but I’m so tired I’m asleep in no time.